Ill Humor, page 2

Thinking back on my boyhood in the Dakotas, I've been trying to remember: was our neighborhood a 'hood? When Mom put a penny in the fuse box was she employing a Norwegian-American version of street smarts? When she darned socks, or tore up old T-shirts for rags, was she promoting a gangsta lifestyle or just being frugal?

On the other end of the spectrum, as a media-obsessed so-called adult, I find myself wondering: in all the interviews with rappers I've read in free weekly newspapers and 'zines, have I ever seen evidence of an interface between rapper and mom cultures?

I vaguely recall Ice-T in an interview somewhere reminding his fans that "Yogurt is a healthy substitute for sour cream-- try it on mashed potatoes!" But I could be wrong. Didn't Ice Cube once close his live performances by telling his audiences to dress warmly and rotate their tires? Or maybe it was something about removing ketchup stains with baking soda and vinegar.

I don't know if many gangstas try to fool their children by putting generic frosted flakes in a Kellogg's box, or how many offset the high cost of limo champagne with the exclusive use of lower priced spreads back at the crib, or if they've discovered the incredible variety of interesting things you can do with leftover turkey after the holidays (tried croquettes, by the way?), but even without this information, I think we can make some pretty solid comparisons.

Let's go to the chart. 










GANGSTA

Surrounded by posse.

Raps at the drop
of a hat.                                               

Likes hats.													       

Calls home a "crib."

Wears baggy sweats.

Affects large gold jewelry.

Often makes complicated
hand gestures.

Hates police.

Removes lint from clothing
with masking tape.

Wears dark glasses.

Often complains about being
disrespected.

Knows all about life
on the street.

Has nickname in the 'hood.

Is dangerous when crossed.

Doesn't take crap from anybody.

Busts rhymes. 

Uses the word "fly" to mean "great." 

Calls friends "homes." 

Cellular phone is constant
companion. 																		       

Is a cause of conservative alarm.

Is fiercely loyal to friends and family.

Is very macho.




MOM

Surrounded by bridge club. 

Bursts into "I've Been Working on
the Railroad" at the drop of a hat.

Likes hats.

Has baby crib in attic.

Wears baggy sweats.

Affects large gold jewelry. 

Often clutches purse
tightly. 

Obeys speed limits.

Removes lint from clothing

with masking tape.

Wears tinted glasses. 

Often complains about being
disrespected.

Knows what every family on
the street is up to.

Is called "Mrs. Shoales" in the	'hood.

Is dangerous when crossed. 

Will brook no nonsense. 

Uses DustBuster.

Hates flies, doesn't care who knows it.

Calls friends daily. 

Constantly gets caught in phone cord when 																	       talking to her homies. 

Is an alarmed conservative. 

Is fiercely loyal to friends and family.

Thinks men are childish idiots.
 








There are several conclusions to be drawn here. I'm no sociologist, so I'll be damned if I'll draw them.

It is obvious, however, that a cellular phone would make an excellent Mother's Day gift. And if you're looking for a present to give to that gangsta in your life, we can recommend either a Glock 9mm semiautomatic or "Hints From Heloise" --  in paperback, now, not hardcover, and preferably used. After all, as our homeboy Ben Franklin put it, "Yo, a penny saved is a penny earned. Word up."