Interview With A Grossologist

Try, just try, grossing out Sylvia Branzei. Big balls of ear wax? Forget it. Athlete's foot? Won't do it. Oozing sores? Diarrhea? Try again. Burps and belches, halitosis, projectile vomit? No dice. Because this junior-high school science teacher, based in Mendocino, California, loves to talk about anything and everything the human body excretes and secretes, no matter how smelly, runny, slimy, or crusty. Branzei, the world's first -- and possibly last -- grossologist, is the author of "Grossology," (Addison-Wesley, 1995), a book for excretory experts, intestinal inquisitors, or just kids who want to make their parents gag.

Her years of delving through the most sordid corners and cavities of our bodies have not dampened Branzei's spirits. In a telephone interview, the scatalogical scholar was vivacious and forthcoming, even when asked the most probing questions.

This is, to say the least, an unusual field of expertise. Why did you decide to write a book about repulsive bodily functions?

I was cutting my toenails one day and said to myself, "Wow, what's this stuff under my toenails? It's really icky and gross." I realized that since I had majored in microbiology, I could actually figure out what it was. Later, over spaghetti dinner with my family, we came up with the idea for this book.

Did you ever make yourself sick while writing it?

Yes, when I learned about the Eskimo tribe where the moms suck the snot out of their babies' noses and spit on the ground. I had to leave my computer to stop gagging, and then come back and write about it.

Does anything else nauseate you?

I have a huge hang-up about spit. You know, big loogies.

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