Photograph by Sibylla Herbrich
Christmas According to Student Bloopers
The word Christmas comes from the Old English Cristes maesse, meaning "the festival mass of Christ." It is truly astonishing what happens when Sunday school boys and girls retell the story of Christ, Christmas and Christianity:
When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she wrapped him in waddling clothes and sang the Magna Carta. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager. In the Gospel of Luke they named him Enamel. St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan.
Christ was crucified at Calgary. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tomb stone off the entrance.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.
The natives of Macedonia did not believe in Paul, so he got stoned. Other Christians were condemned to death in large groups. They entered the arena to face wild lions singing hymns of praise in the name of the Father, the Son and In-the-Hole-He-Goes. The Romans went to the coliseum to watch the Christians die for the fun of it. But, as Mel Brooks says, "The meek shall inherit the earth."
Meretricious to all. Here's a game Yule love to play. If athletes get athlete's foot, astronauts get missile toe. In each sentence below, fill in the blanks with an expression commonly used at Christmas tide.
We will let you know by e-mail if you are a winner. The correct answers will appear in next issue's VERBIVORE. The winner of last issue's food quiz (which proved surprisingly difficult) was Frank Marcus.
