2014's fast food atrocities
Burger King's black cheeseburger: Made with squid ink and bamboo charcoal, arguably a symbol of meat's destructive effect on the planet. Only available in Japan.
First off, let me say that I think the film looks gorgeous. George Lucas was able to hire the best. He took advantage of advances in computer graphics to portray many old sci-fi favorites in vivid ways. The costumes are just spiffy, the sword fight scenes zesty. Great aliens, too (except for Yoda, who’s still a rubber oven mitt with two facial expressions: patronizing and condescending).
I actually quite enjoyed the first part of the film — Jedis running around
on the Trade Federation mother ship, jumping and slashing, leaping and
blasting. My hopes started to rise. But then — well, let me list just a few
Underwater cities? A city that covers a whole planet? Where’ve we seen
those before? Well, they may be clichis, but Lucas stole them fair and
square, and served them back with loads of panache, so he’s forgiven. On
the other hand, there are other clichis that make you moan aloud. For
This recalls blowing up the shield projector in “Return of the Jedi”
(which is achieved entirely thanks to the wookie — neither Luke nor Leia
makes any real difference in achieving the Rebel victory. Think about it!).
Or a computer virus shutting down all alien shields in “Independence Day.”
Or Obi-Wan dialing down the tractor beam. Or the hero in “Logan’s Run”
shooting one computer console and blowing up a city. And so on. Yeesh! Are
villain equipment-designers really that bad in every off-Earth empire? In
fairness, this clichi is endemic. Ever notice how, in “Star Trek,” Kirk
talked five different super-computers into self-destructing? If the
universe really is like this, we Earthlings are gonna kick butt when we get
But enough wallowing in small stuff. Let’s get down to the Grand
Champion clichi of all:
Note that the only “Star Wars” movie without this dreadfully clichid trick is “The Empire Strikes Back,” again showing how that movie towers over
the others. Actually, I guess “Phantom Menace” is logically the first time
the stunt gets used, since it’s the “earliest” of the movies, so let’s be
forgiving. But then, if Anakin did this as a boy, don’t you figure he’d
remember the nasty little design flaw, 40 years later, when he helps
and the Emperor build the Death Star? (This may be Clue No. 1 to a
great underlying plot secret, one potentially capable of transforming the
whole series! A fantastic surprise that’d actually make sense of the whole
saga! Care to guess?)
I confess there was one really original thing in “The Phantom Menace,”
something I have truly never seen before. I could not believe my eyes when
I read the yellow prologue letters flowing across the screen at the very
beginning of the film: A sci-fi action movie whose premise is based on
taxation of trade routes and negotiations over tariff treaties? Now
that … (yawn) … is something … I’ve … never … (snore) …
It happens time and again. You create a beloved universe — then spend most
of the sequels wallowing in emotional reunions, or worse, spend most of
prequel introducing characters to each other, dwelling on each moment for
long stretches laden with emotional music. R2, meet Threepio! (For the
very first time!) Obi-Wan, meet Anakin! Anakin grew up with Greedo!
Naturally, there are cameos by Tuskan Raiders and Jabba the Hut and every
other old friend, for nostalgia’s sake. Anyone notice the delegation of
Spielberg’s “ET” aliens in the Senate chamber, uncharacteristically willing
to associate with humans for a change?
And there’s more! Anyone notice the names of the other candidates
for Chancellor? Minister Antilles of Alderan? Maybe the dad of
Captain Antilles, the first dude Vader crushes to death in the first movie?
Cousin of Luke’s wingman, Wedge Antilles? Could it be a coincidence?
Destiny? (Or maybe Clue No. 2?)
Again, to be fair, the nostalgia thing has been done even worse by others.
Remember “Star Trek, The Motion Picture”? Wasted half an hour
the Enterprise from the outside before we even got aboard. Get on with it!
According to Stefan Jones, “In the first film, the Force was a kind of
martial art/Zen archery kind of thing. Rather egalitarian: Obi-Wan even
offers to teach scoffer Han Solo the ropes. Goofy comic-book mysticism,
kind of charming and innocent in a Hong Kong kung-fu movie sort of way.”
But as the \bermensch effect took over, the Force grew elitist. You had to
be born with it! In a progressive universe, Yoda & Co. would set up
Jedi-arts studios in every mini-mall on Coruscant — the way karate has
saturated suburban America — giving millions of kids exposure to a little
discipline and fun, plus a chance to better themselves through hard work,
and maybe outperform what cynical grownups expected of them. But Yoda
thinks he can diagnose at age 6 who’s got it, who hasn’t, and who is
pre-destined to fail before they try. Only demigods need apply … and only
those demigods Yoda likes. (Maybe this really is Clue No. 3?)
Naturally, this hustling of babies will wind up being the major subplot of
Episode III — which ought to be a real bummer of a movie: Coruscant and a
zillion other planets are gonna have to fry as the emperor takes over,
since that would only happen over the dead bodies of every decent citizen
with any spirit. What a lovely way to finish the saga! But we’ll still
cheer as Obi-Wan manages to grab the twins, Luke and Leia, saving them
from Dad’s evil clutches as billions perish behind them. Hurrah!
Cheats and unexplained plot drivers
So what do we see in this movie? Liam Neeson (Qui-Gon Jinn) gets
separated from his
nemesis, Darth Maul, by a force field. The adversaries pause and glare at
each other before resuming the fight. What a great time for Maul to give
his side of the story — his seething need for revenge against the Jedi!
Maybe some riveting mumbledy-jumble about the Jedi having crushed and
suppressed one whole side of the Force for a thousand years, thus creating
awful imbalance in the universe! (Maybe Neeson even half agrees! After all,
he’s the one wanting to restore “balance,” which presumably means
bringing back enough of the Dark Side to make sort of a Zen-twilight gray …
or maybe a dramatic layered, two-tone effect. Anyway, a hint about Liam’s
temptation could explain a lot.)
Hey, Maul’s harangue wouldn’t even have to make sense, so long as it told
us something about the cause that little Anakin will later adopt as his
own. Less than a minute of villainous rant could have packed a lot of juice
into their vendetta. But no.
Here’s an idea. Let’s take the energy symbiote mitochondria inside our
cells and mystify
them into “midichlorians” (apparently swarms of some sort of symbiotic
fairies inside of each of us) to give a pseudo-techno gloss to Lucas’ new
religion. To be fair, “Star Trek” does the same damn thing all the time.
Nevertheless it brings us back to the different ways the two traditions –
“sci-fi” and science fiction — would treat Superman. If these symbionts
empart great powers to people, can’t we find a way to give common folk
more of them? A blithe contentment with genetic determinism is one
thread this “Star Wars” universe shares with most ancient tales — and with
Still, even from this Campbellian \bermensch-hero premise — that
only a genetic elite get to share in the Force — there is a big logical
problem in “The Phantom Menace.” Consider: Young Anakin acts with
godlike poise and heroism at every turn, yet Yoda accuses this brave kid
(packed fulla midichlorians) of being too afraid to be a Jedi? Do I sense a
jealous under-plot here? Like maybe old Yoda fears competition? Could he
be the hidden hand? Maybe this is the true reason he’ll lie to Luke, 40
years later, about his father! Certainly no other explanation for the lie is
ever given. None. Not one. Ever.
(Now here’s a thought. How come we never see Yoda take on an enemy with
a light saber? Come on master, fire it up and battle a Sith Lord! That’s a
battle I’d pay to see! His secret advantage? A long time ago, oven mitts
were made of asbestos!)
Could this be Clue No. 4? Maybe Anakin’s conversion into Darth has
a reason darker than any hinted at, so far. It sure makes more sense than
Yoda being so flaming incompetent. (He can foresee the future, but can’t
sense something as big as “this kid’s gonna someday fry planets and kill
every Jedi”? How convenient.)
Forgivable stuff — and the rest
Perhaps the biggest torrent of Internet complaining over “Episode I”
concerns something that I’m inclined to overlook: the comic relief
character, Jar Jar Binks. It may surprise you to learn that I’m not going to
waste any time disparaging poor Jar Jar, or dwelling on hints at “Yes,
Bwana” racism. I can take at face value Lucas’ assurances that he meant
well. Likewise, I found the Ewoks in “Return of the Jedi” to be a bit
rankling, but bearable, perhaps even plausible! Hey, what’s the harm? I can
dial down my mental age in order to enjoy a good Flash Gordon-style sci-fi
romp. Cute-dumb sidekicks ain’t the real problem here, folks.
Even simpleminded heroes can be excused. For all the faults of every other
lying Jedi, Luke Skywalker is a true hero throughout episodes IV-VI — a
good dude who remembers his friends and keeps his common touch. A
demigod who never lies or forgets a promise. He’s not very bright — and
can’t act — but he’s a genuine good guy, all the way. And he gets a lot
done, whenever he forgets Yoda’s advice and lets himself get a little mad.
Despite all the clichis, plot inconsistencies and other criticisms I’ve
levelled in this article, I am not suggesting that movie “sci-fi” tales need
the same level of logic and character and intricacy you find in first rate
science fiction. That would be asking way too much. Anyway, there’s a
place in this world for eye candy. Even the tsunami of schlock “Star Wars”
merchandise flooding every store and mall doesn’t raise my ire. Go for it,
If those were my sole complaints, I would not have taken the time to
write all this down.
It’s when a director relentlessly tries fiddling with our cultural moral
compass that we should sit up and take notice. I’ll trust Steven Spielberg
with such power, because he’s earned it. He’s proved again and again that he
loves this civilization — an open society of rambunctious citizens — that
gave him so much. He’s one of us, only more so.
George Lucas, on the other hand, should stick to producing simple
action-adventure films — good clean fun — and lay off preaching. It’s
simply not where his gifts lie.
David Brin is an astrophysicist whose international best-selling novels include "Earth," and recently "Existence." " The Postman" was filmed in 1997. His nonfiction book about the information age - The Transparent Society - won the Freedom of Speech Award of the American Library Association. (http://www.davidbrin.com)More David Brin.
Domino's Specialty Chicken: It's like regular pizza, except instead of a crust, there's fried chicken. The company's marketing officer calls it "one of the most creative, innovative menu items we have ever had” -- brain power put to good use.
KFC'S ZINGER DOUBLE DOWN KING: A sandwich made by adding a burger patty to the infamous chicken-instead-of-buns creation can only be described using all caps. NO BUN ALL MEAT. Only available in South Korea.
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