Anne Lamott
Prisoners of a crappy war
I don't regret protesting Vietnam, but "Return With Honor" has humbled me before the heroism of our military.
There are at least four truly great movies out there right now — “The King of Masks,” “Three Seasons,” “The Buena Vista Social Club,” and “Return With Honor.” I saw the latter almost a year before its release, because one of its filmmakers, Freida Lee Mock, also made a documentary about me. Perhaps there is some sort of conflict of interest in my writing about it, and I can expect to hear from Robert Shapiro before long. But this film is so vast in its scope, grief and war and redemption, that Anne Lamott as subject just doesn’t compare.
“Return With Honor” is simply one of the best documentaries in years. Everyone I know who has seen it feels the same way and it is getting the sorts of reviews that sound suspiciously like affectionate family members wrote them. But mostly people don’t go out of their way to see documentaries, and I want to urge you to do so — I will stake my reputation (such as it is) on the fact that it will change your life, change it a little, but forever. And it will bring you joy.
It is ostensibly about Vietnam, a full-length movie about the American pilots who were shot down over North Vietnam and their captivity, which lasted in some cases for almost nine years. It is about their torture and their torturers, the effort to survive, physically, spiritually, with their humanity intact and to return to the United States with honor — to have looked out for each other, to have refused to divulge military secrets. But it is also about you and me and God and greatness, faith, hope and love.
All these years some of us have had heartfelt opinions about the war, that it was a bad war and we were right to protest. I still have this opinion. And all these years, most of us have felt horror and disgust toward the Vietnamese who tortured the POWs. In this movie, there are indeed heinous descriptions of the tortures inflicted. But because the American pilots portrayed in the film do not seem to hold any hatred in their hearts for their captors, I was brought to neutral, which, because my scale of antipathy started in the minus zone, is actually positive. Also, I have not been the biggest booster of former captives John McCain, the Republican senator from Arizona, or James Stockdale, who was Ross Perot’s befuddled running mate; and now I am humbled before both.
Freida Lee Mock and her partner, Terry Saunders, guide us through history, weaving a tapestry of interviews with dozens of these pilots 30-some years later, and with their wives, who lived for years without knowing whether they were wives or widows. Mock and Saunders have included never-before-seen footage shot in 35 mm black and white of the men in the days immediately after capture, which the filmmakers discovered in Vietnamese government archives. There is footage of the prisons, of the men in their cells, of the propaganda tapes they were forced to participate in and which were then sent to the U.S. government and the devious ways the prisoners thought of to get the truth across. One man repeatedly blinked out the first letters of “torture” in Morse code while spouting dull assurances that they were all being treated well. Another pilot, with his hands hanging casually in his lap, is giving the bird: When the image was reproduced on the cover of Life magazine, the offending gesture had been airbrushed out, leading the pilot’s little nephew to believe for years that the Vietnamese had cut off his uncle’s middle fingers. “Return With Honor” documents the pilots’ transformation from top gun aviators — as one pilot says, John Wayne and Superman rolled into one — into tenderhearted people, trying to stay alive and to take care of one another, hoping against hope to see their families again.
One pilot says early on, “I can’t even stand unpleasantness, let alone torture,” and this pretty much says it for me. And then he does — endures the unendurable. He does it, this superhuman feat of endurance, in the same ordinary way the rest of us bear hardship: one day at a time, and sometimes one hour, and always with a little help from our friends.
Though separated from each other by thick walls, sometimes by empty prison cells as well, the pilots came up with brilliant ways to communicate with each other. Mostly they tapped, five or six words a minute in an ingenious code based on a grid of the alphabet, sounding, as one pilot says, “like a den of runaway woodpeckers.” They swept in code, coughed in code, sneezed in code. They tapped and swept and coughed for two and three years to men they had never seen, and eventually learned to read each other’s moods, to know when someone was close to madness and needed a little spiritual CPR. One pilot says, “The Vietnamese wanted to keep us from communicating so we couldn’t gain strength from each other, but they couldn’t.”
In tapping on the walls, the walls came down — not the physical
walls, which did not crumble, but the more psychically dangerous walls that
the torturers put between the POWs, of being separate and desperately anxious
to get one’s own pain to stop. And yet the torture of listening to someone else
being tortured was worse than anything happening to them, which they were
more easily able to bear. When they had come through another bout of
torture, they tapped, in effect,
Hello! I’m still here, and so are you; we are here together.
One of the most powerful moments in the film is an interview with a man describing a
session of torture, during which he was trying against unspeakable odds not to break and
give his torturer any useful information. He ran through every prayer he
knew, and then he gave up; he thought, OK, you’ve got me, and surrendered
to the pain. It was as if he had moved over a track, so that what was happening to
his body was not even relevant, that it was happening over on another track.
And his prayer was answered: Finally out of the loop of resisting, he felt
freedom from pain and fear. Moments later, the torturer fell apart, crying,
running from the cell, shamed. It was as if the torturer saw something so profound that
it can’t really be put into words — but, to try: such goodness, something so
big, so shining,
so full, like seeing source — that he saw that what he was doing wasn’t
working. Maybe he finally felt the bond of being human, lost the distinction
between us and them and just saw the us.
Vietnam was so long ago that it’s sometimes almost quaint,
and it’s hard not to feel that it’s over. But it’s not. The deep wound of
this war is just less obvious, like an old abscess you’ve gotten used to.
Watching this movie I never felt ashamed that I protested. It was a crappy
war. But at the same time, I’ve never before felt such profound pride in our
military.
Listening to the American pilots (and their wives — tender, feisty,
tough, loyal, as heroic and articulate as any of the pilots themselves) will
leave you stunned
with admiration, for what and how they endured, for how far gone they were,
and how one step at a time they came back from that. One pilot speaks so
calmly that he could be discussing sports technique, yet what he’s talking
about is his effort to commit suicide by smashing his head against the wall
of his cell. Another man describes and then displays the drawings he made in
his cell using the discharge from his infected wounds. One pilot
demonstrates his memorization of the names of 200 POWs, a
rapid-fire mental ticker tape stream that he could give to his commander
when he got home.
“Return With Honor” is finally about humanity, about people under
extreme duress who have
had to jettison all they knew before, all security and comfort, like people
you may know who’ve had cancer or lost a child. They came through reaching
for courage, with the best of being human, and so we listen. The ego here
has fled; there’s not one vainglorious phrase in any of the interviews. All
they had to deal with was what was — and what was in this case was about as
terrible as could be. So they did the best they could, with what they had to
work with, and at first it seems like so little, but turns out to be as big
as life, as breath, faith, concern for others. Somehow even in their cells
they sometimes found the spaciousness of hope and friendship; somehow, more
often than can be imagined, they praised the day.
My son, the father
When my 19-year-old announced he was having a baby, I was worried -- and happy. Then came a terrifying birth ...
Anne Lamott with her son, Sam. My very young son became a father in mid-July 2009, when his girlfriend, Amy Tobias, gave birth to their son. They named him Jax Jesse Lamott, Jesse after Amy’s beloved grandmother Jessie, and Jax because they liked the way it sounded. Amy was twenty when she delivered, and Sam was nineteen. They’re both a little young, but who asked me?
Sam’s birth, on August 29, 1989, was by far the most important day of my life, and Jax’s was the second. Sam and I are quite close, and I’d always looked forward with enthusiasm to becoming a grandmother someday, in, say, ten years from now, perhaps after he had graduated from the art academy he attends in San Francisco and settled down into a career, and when I was old enough to be a grandmother. I was a young fifty-five. Maybe a medium fifty-five. Let’s say a ripe fifty-five, with a child just one year past his majority.
Continue Reading CloseWhy I’m inspired by the midterm election
Christine O'Donnell is gone, and Harry Reid isn't. Now, let's buckle up for the bumpy ride that faces us in 2012
Delaware Republican U.S. Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell waves from inside a vehicle after voting, Tuesday, Nov. 2, 2010, in Wilmington, Del. O'Donnell is facing Democrat Chris Coons. (AP Photo/Rob Carr)(Credit: Rob Carr) I am awash in the afterglow of the midterms.
Perhaps “afterglow” is not exactly right. Or “awash.”
Maybe I mean “profound relief.” Barbara Boxer and Jerry Brown, and Michael Bennet (amazingly) in Colorado, Patty Murray hanging on, and most of all, Harry Reid, HAR-RY, HAR-RY, HAR-RY. My man. Dawg! For me, holding the Senate and Harry Reid is almost up there with the Giants winning.
So maybe they have the Aqua Buddha, but we have two months to go with this House, this Senate, this president. People say that 10 days or two weeks is an eternity in politics, so two months is four or five eternities. Two months is eternity-plus-plus.
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I learned from years of competitive sports that the best time to beat the other side is when they're gloating
There is nothing as sweet as a comeback, when you are down and out, about to lose, and out of time. The almost certain victors are already in full gloat mode, and that’s why the rest of us feel lower than a gopher hole, as Molly Ivins said to me after Bush v. Gore. Nothing you try seems to work. But as I experienced dozens of times in tennis matches as a youth, if you don’t give up, sometimes there’s a shift under your feet, and you win one unexpected point, and then another, and somehow, miraculously, you pull ahead.
Continue Reading CloseWhy I hate Mother’s Day
It celebrates the great lie about women: That those with children are more important than those without
I did not raise my son, Sam, to celebrate Mother’s Day. I didn’t want him to feel some obligation to buy me pricey lunches or flowers, some annual display of gratitude that you have to grit your teeth and endure. Perhaps Mother’s Day will come to mean something to me as I grow even dottier in my dotage, and I will find myself bitter and distressed when Sam dutifully ignores the holiday. Then he will feel ambushed by my expectations, and he will retaliate by putting me away even sooner than he was planning to — which, come to think of it, would be even more reason to hate Mother’s Day.
Continue Reading CloseDear Mr. President: What are you thinking?
Stop dawdling on healthcare, forget about Snowe and Lieberman, and become the leader we voted for already
Dear Mr. Obama,
I hate to complain, and I certainly do not want to sound cranky. But time is awasting, so here goes: Nearly 70 million people voted for you because we supported your commitment to ending the war in Iraq, closing Gitmo and creating universal healthcare. Only a couple thousand of them were passionate about the whole bipartisanship thing, and based on my scientific research, exactly 38 believed that Olympia Snowe’s vote on the healthcare reform bill would even make it bipartisan. Thirty-eight people! (And you should see them.) So now the other approximately 66,999,962 of us are left wondering, Why did you lose so much time courting her vote?
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