Academia
Application blues
A high school senior tells admissions officers, "If you don't want stupid answers, don't ask stupid questions."
Is it Christmas in my mailbox? It sure seems that way, as each day brings more thick, lavishly produced catalogs, each seeking to outdo the other in marketing gloss and consumer appeal. But no, this is not an early herald of the Christmas season. It’s college-
But no matter how sophisticated college marketing has become, one aspect of the application process is locked in a time warp. The personal statement, or essay, remains a vestige of the past, curiously out of step with the cool, breezy hipness that pervades these catalogs. As evidence, look no further than the “common application,” so-called because it is recognized at schools as diverse as establishment Princeton and loopy Reed. The common application’s essay questions sound as if Robert Young from the 1950s TV series “Father Knows Best” had written them for his son Bud. They ask that applicants “Evaluate a significant experience, achievement or risk” or “Indicate a person who has had significant impact on you.”
Recognizing that admissions officers apparently require some assistance in this matter, I am happy to provide some alternative essay questions that both recognize the reality of the application process and are in touch with the world that we will be inheriting upon graduation:
1. Tell us something about yourself, but not too much. We are really busy today and are primarily interested in oboe players, athletes and the children of alumni anyway.
2. We’d like you to share your personal relationship with a book that has had a profound impact on your life. Preferably, it should be one that you haven’t read, but that you have experienced via reviews and reader comments on the Internet.
3. As part of a fraternity hazing, a freshman is forced to remain outdoors in sub-zero weather until he finishes reading “Remembrance of Things Past” in its entirety, while wearing only a pair of Manolo Blahnik shoes and a Wonderbra. Write the summation speech that is given to the jury at the trial of the senior responsible.
4. Fatwa survivor Salman Rushdie writes a zany television pilot in which Rudy Giuliani is suddenly possessed by the spirit of Mahatma Gandhi, and havoc ensues in New York. You are the president of the network; would you “green light” the pilot, and why?
5. Alien journalists land in Minneapolis and attend a press conference given by Minnesota Gov. Jesse Ventura. They return home, and their Council of the Elders decides not to attack the United States. Summarize the findings of the council.
6. There are some who say that those who succeed in life do so by virtue of talent and hard work. Others maintain that the “suck-up” factor is the dominant engine of accomplishment. Choose and defend one position. (For the admissions director’s list of published papers, check out our Web site).
7. What international issues matter least to you? Feel free to discuss the independence struggle in East Timor, the treatment of women by the Taliban or any conflict of your choosing.
8. You are the arugula in a salad composed of genetically engineered tomatoes. Describe your physical and emotional sensations.
Until the college admissions cabal moves in this progressive direction, all of us anxious high school seniors will be forced to make do with the application questions at hand. I confess that I am vacillating between essay topics that look inward — Who am I? What do I believe in? What is my role in the universe? — and essays that peer outward — the evils of global warming; the growing divide between rich and poor; and the future of the Euro.
It is a high-risk guessing game, balancing the fatal blow of flipness against the equal morbidity of sanctimoniousness. I’m trying to walk a line right down the middle, and when it comes to spotlighting those who have influenced me the most, I plan to wax eloquent about my parents, Elie Wiesel and former Secretary of Agriculture Earl Butts.
Lucas Hanft is a high school senior living on Long Island. More Lucas Hanft.
Majoring in Potterology
Are books like J.K. Rowling's popular series and Stephenie Meyer's "Twilight" fit subjects for serious scholarship?
(Credit: Shutterstock/Salon) Last week in Scotland, 60 scholars gathered over two days for the U.K.’s first scholarly conference on the Harry Potter series. The Guardian newspaper quoted John Mullan, a professor of English at University College London, questioning the wisdom of organizing such an event. Concluding that the host college, the University of St. Andrews, was primarily after “publicity,” Mullan suggested the attendees would be better off forgetting kids’ books and cultivating their gravitas. “They should be reading Milton and ‘Tristram Shandy,’” he told the Guardian. “That’s what they’re paid to do.”
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Laura Miller is a senior writer for Salon. She is the author of "The Magician's Book: A Skeptic's Adventures in Narnia" and has a Web site, magiciansbook.com. More Laura Miller.
We had all the time in the world
My sabbatical offered a quiet and calm I'd always wanted. Then I discovered what a challenge that could be
(Credit: Hofhauser via Shutterstock) One of the enviable perks of the academic life is the funded year off that comes every seven years, and my husband and I were miraculously scheduled for sabbatical at the same time. The year fell during what was technically the second year of our “empty nest,” but it was the first time we’d be without children and day jobs. Unlike our colleagues, who head to dusty provincial church archives to research the something-something in medieval Spain, we were free to go wherever. Filled with ideas for almost every medium — play, essay, screenplay, pilot, humor pieces — I dreamed of untold productivity and an endless summer at my in-laws’ lake house in New Hampshire. I would finally have the time and quiet I’d been hungering for after 19 years of teaching and raising children.
Continue Reading CloseWendy MacLeod's plays have been produced Off-Broadway at Playwrights Horizons and at The Goodman and Steppenwolf Theaters in Chicago. Her play "The House of Yes" was made into a Miramax film. Her prose has appeared in McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, The International Herald Tribune, The Washington Post, The Rumpus, The Awl, NPR’s All Things Considered and POETRY magazine. She is the James E. Michael Playwright-in-Residence at Kenyon College. Her new play "Women in Jep" will premiere in July at the Arden Theater in Philadelphia. More Wendy MacLeod.
MacArthur Foundation reveals 2011 “genius grants”
Recipients of surprise $500,000 fellowships include Chicago architect, founder of New York City children's choir
NEW YORK, NY - SEPTEMBER 18: Francisco Nunez, winner of the MacArthur Fellowship was photographed on September 18, 2011 in New York, NY. (Photo by Chris Lane/Getty Images for Home Front)(Credit: Christopher Lane) A Chicago skyscraper architect, a New York City children’s choir founder and a North Carolina scientist who studies how to prevent sports-related concussions are among the latest 22 recipients of the no-strings-attached MacArthur Foundation “genius grants.”
The $500,000 fellowships for 2011 were announced Tuesday by the Chicago-based John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation. Recipients largely don’t know they’re in contention for the annual awards, and often learn they’re winners with an out-of-the-blue phone call informing them they’ll receive the money over the next five years.
Continue Reading CloseWhen Jonathan Franzen came to town
I wanted to be the perfect host for the Great American Novelist. Instead I saw how strange literary celebrity is
Jonathan Franzen For the dinner in honor of the Great American Novelist the guest list is made up months in advance. Nobody asks whether the visiting writer wants a dinner. Nobody considers the possibility that giving a lecture on a full stomach and after a glass or two of wine might be difficult. The dinner is not about what the writer wants; it’s about what we want. And we want to meet the writer. Are we highbrow sycophants competing for the chance to say forever after that we had dinner with the Great American Novelist? Or are we faithful readers grateful to hear more from a writer we admire? When Jonathan Franzen came to Kenyon College, I was hoping we’d be the latter.
Continue Reading CloseWendy MacLeod's plays have been produced Off-Broadway at Playwrights Horizons and at The Goodman and Steppenwolf Theaters in Chicago. Her play "The House of Yes" was made into a Miramax film. Her prose has appeared in McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, The International Herald Tribune, The Washington Post, The Rumpus, The Awl, NPR’s All Things Considered and POETRY magazine. She is the James E. Michael Playwright-in-Residence at Kenyon College. Her new play "Women in Jep" will premiere in July at the Arden Theater in Philadelphia. More Wendy MacLeod.
Is it time to kill the liberal arts degree?
I was a floundering humanities graduate too, but in a brutal job market, maybe we need to rethink what we teach
Every year or two, my husband, an academic advisor at a prestigious Midwestern university, gets a call from a student’s parent. Mr. or Mrs. So-and-so’s son is a sophomore now and still insistent on majoring in film studies, anthropology, Southeast Asian comparative literature or, god forbid … English. These dalliances in the humanities were fine and good when little Johnny was a freshman, but isn’t it time now that he wake up and start thinking seriously about what, one or two or three years down the line, he’s actually going to do?
Continue Reading CloseKim Brooks is a graduate of the Iowa Writers' Workshop. Her fiction has appeared in Glimmer Train, One Story, Epoch, and other journals. She lives in Chicago and has just finished a novel. You can follow her on Twitter @KA_Brooks. More Kim Brooks.
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