Hank Hyena
Man caught snatching a plastic snatch
Abandoned and unemployed, a man makes the mistake of getting caught with his hands in some artificial pants.
Oct. 27, 1999
A lonely man might be thrown into prison because he tried to steal a small piece of unnatural love.
Jurie Jeremiah Windvogel pleaded guilty on Monday to the pitiful crime of shoplifting a plastic vagina. The 41-year-old unemployed father of six
was recently abandoned by his wife in Cape Town, South Africa, according to the Independent On-line. Desperate for female comfort, he journeyed to an Adult World pornography shop, where he fell in love and tried to clandestinely elope with an artificial pudendum.
Reports haven’t confirmed the exact make of the pilfered pussy. But the world of man-made vaginas is more diverse than many might suspect. Was it a
Kobe Tai Ultra-Realistic Vibrating Vagina, a Chasey Lain Deluxe Signature or a replica of another XXX-rated star? Plastic hootchies tend to be modeled after the sculpted curves of sponsoring hardcore actresses. The pseudo-feminine orifices range from a shaved Nikki Tyler to a hairy Christy Canyon and cost between $35 and $100, depending on texture and vibrating ability. If the package includes an anus, as with the “Tiffany Mynx,” the cost rises another $35, and for $229 an exact full-size replica of Julie Ashton’s buttocks can be purchased and enjoyed with an enclosed vial of lubricant.
Carnal devotion to an adult movie star’s muff-manikin is not a suitable excuse for theft, however. The chastising magistrate, P. Sauerman, explained that swiping stuff to aid a struggling family is understandable, but onanistic abduction is not. Windvogel will either spend four months in jail or pay a rather limp fine of 600 rand ($100) — which might be less than the cost of the stolen item.
In reproaching the accused, the magistrate urged him to satiate his sexual passion in a non-felonious manner. But in today’s world, with gizmos advertised as “better than real vaginas,” is it so surprising that suddenly single and cash-poor men like Windvogel might be tempted to look for love in all the wrong places?
Carnal goo
New products now being tested promise to alleviate female sexual dysfunction.
Imagine a gel that women layer on their pudenda that magically swells the area with lustful desire. Blood engorges the labia, the clitoris stiffens excitedly and lubrication (the historic task of foreplay) is swiftly unleashed by the moistening cream. A tiny dollop rubbed in softly and — shazam! — the female tingles, itching with passion.
Such a thing exists. Many over-the-counter sex creams that speed up women’s “libida” are already available, and two biopharmaceutical companies are aching to get their new love lotions approved by the Food and Drug Administration. Their medical and financial ambition is to garner the products massive Viagra-esque popularity with women.
Continue Reading CloseSexy penises
The circumcision decision could affect a baby's future sex life.
“He’ll never get a blow job!” pregnant Abigail fretted, “if we don’t circumcise him.”
“Fellatio,” her husband Kent conceded, “is man’s best friend. But why won’t my son get sucked if he’s whole?”
The Berkeley, Calif., baby shower had disintegrated into yet another debate about circumcision. Every well-wisher on the festive patio knew that neo-natal Zachary already owned 15 stuffed animals, nine Dr. Seuss books and enough green overalls to costume an elf army, but the parents — like so many others — hadn’t determined yet if the tot would be sporting a foreskin.
Continue Reading CloseThe quest for sweet semen
I learned how to transform funky spunk into delicious joy juice -- but ultimately decided not to.
“You’ve got funky-tasting spunk,” Samantha tells her bitter paramour on the Aug. 6 “Sex and the City” episode, as she refuses to fellate his foully spurting member. “Giving head [to you] is like a trip to the rotten-egg buffet.”
I winced watching this, because I am consumed with greedy but guilty desire when it comes to the issue of squirting inside the mouth and swallowing. I adore oral acceptance of my penile offering, but I’m cravenly apologetic asking for it, because I’m sure the texture and flavor are repulsive on my lover’s palate. Fear of Samanthas also inhibits me: My crotch loves a tongue-lashing but my ego doesn’t.
Continue Reading ClosePenis gourds: The rebel uniform
Indonesia's government sees the garb worn by Dani tribesmen as backward and an act of defiance.
Indonesia is a polyglot nation of 13,000 islands, 300 ethnic groups and 365 languages that has always been ruled by the heavy-handed, populous Javanese. East Timor’s recent wrenching escape from the iron grip of
Jakarta is only the most visible boil in this archipelago that festers with religious, economic and cultural strife. The next bloodbath could break out in the province of Irian Jaya, the western half of New Guinea, where recent settlers have zero in common with the Stone Age indigenous inhabitants.
Is there a connection between AIDS and circumcision?
Researchers claim decade-old evidence has been ignored.
Male circumcision could help diminish the HIV/AIDS pandemic in developing countries, but health professionals are reluctant to publicize this fact, according to an editorial in the Lancet by Daniel Halperin and Robert Bailey. The authors cite a study, published a decade ago, of 422 Kenyan men who habitually visited prostitutes. The research showed that the uncircumcised men had an 8.2 times greater risk of infection. Of 38 additional investigations, 27 from eight different countries found a similar association between uncut men and infection.
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