Salon Home
Topic

Horror

Thursday, Nov 11, 1999 5:00 PM UTC1999-11-11T17:00:00Zl, M j, Y g:i A T

“House on Haunted Hill”

Where evil has a modem and looks like black calamari.

"House on Haunted Hill"
Topics:,

I would rather feed Jesse Helms a rancid peanut butter sandwich, and then have him slowly lick my face off, than sit through “House on Haunted Hill” again.

“House on Haunted Hill,” a remake of a 1958 William Castle movie, stars Geoffrey Rush and some other people, all of whom must have asked the Godfather for a favor years ago and had to pay him back by being in this film. I can’t forgive Rush. What the hell was he thinking? He was terrific as the piano-playing weirdo in “Shine.” As a career choice, this was a pantload of stupidity.

It would be pointless to critique the plot, which revolves around an eccentric millionaire who offers six strangers $1 million each if they can make it through the night in a scary house that used to be an insane asylum. Instead, here are some things I learned from “House on Haunted Hill.” For the full effect, print this out, put it through a shredder and read the resulting bits of paper while repeatedly trying to close a door on your head.

  • If you are a sociopathic serial-killing psychiatrist and you want to torture your inmates by cutting them open without anaesthetic, you will have no trouble finding a bunch of attractive, equally psychotic scrub nurses to hand you a rusty scalpel and film the proceedings.

  • When you’re writing a screenplay and can’t think of any sarcastic remarks for people to make, just have them clap slowly while saying “bravo” in a bored-sounding voice. Have them do this again and again and again, until the movie resembles the sarcastic clapping family sketch on “Saturday Night Live.”

  • If you are hired to design an insane asylum, make it look like a big hood ornament, and put it right on the edge of a cliff overlooking the ocean. Light it poorly. Fix it so that when people want to get from the basement to the attic they only have to use one staircase, with about 10 shallow stairs.

  • If you’re ever stuck in a haunted insane asylum that looks like a big hood ornament on a cliff, and the lights are faltering, find a random wiring junction out of thousands in the walls of the basement, stick your hand in it and wiggle it around briefly. The lights will keep faltering just like they were, but everyone around you will somehow think you’ve rewired the building.

  • Evil looks a lot like black calamari. You can keep it captive by walling it up in a basement room, but it can still mess with people’s computers. The conclusion: Evil has a modem and tentacles, and it knows your password.

  • If you want to drive someone crazy, show them a movie of a guy in a bowler hat bouncing a red ball. Brr! It freaks me out even to think of it! Also, include some underwater people, and make blood come out of their mouths. Do this over and over and over and over again, until you’ve completely numbed the audience to the effect.

    On a serious note: What ever happened to pacing in horror movies? The first “Alien” movie was scary as hell because it started off quietly, establishing a sense of “normal” life on a big spaceship. The characters were subtly developed and interesting. The tension built slowly. “The Shining” is another example of good pacing. People slowly going crazy are scary, and if they’re family members you love and trust, it’s much scarier.

    More importantly, in “Alien,” you never saw the entire monster. Things that you can’t see are scarier than the things you can. That’s why the monster lives in the closet, and not on your bedside table right next to the Snoopy lamp. In the third “Alien,” they showed every detail of the monster until it had the horrific effect of a plastic Taco Bell giveaway figurine.

    People who are crazy from the beginning of the movie aren’t scary. There’s nothing to suspect, nothing to be tense about except maybe when they will eventually crack, and these days most scary movies telegraph each moment of approaching horror so clearly that they lose their effect. If the movie never makes you feel anything for the characters, they’re even less scary. I don’t give a damn how creatively you kill them. They’re as expendable to the audience as they were to the screenwriter.

    Here’s an example of how “House on Haunted Hill,” which was directed by William Malone, defined a character. Early on while people were arriving at the haunted asylum, they started introducing themselves. One of them was a bratty blond girl with a video camera. When it was her turn, she said, “I’m so-and-so. I am a filmmaker — OK, I used to be a filmmaker. I lost my job, so now I’m going to break back into show business by filming something really freaky for ‘World’s Scariest Home Videos.’”

    Actually, I kind of wish real life were that expository. It would be great if, when meeting someone, they said things like “Hi, I’m Tina Carruthers. I am a marketing drone and my job bores the crap out of me, but I am adrift in immoral capitalism. I will pretend to like you to get your money, and then I’ll go slag you to my pals.”

    I wonder if Jesse Helms would prefer Skippy or Jif?

  • Continue Reading

    Sarah Beach is a writer living in Berkeley, Calif.  More Sarah Beach

    Friday, Feb 3, 2012 1:00 AM UTC2012-02-03T01:00:00Zl, M j, Y g:i A T

    A clever British horror-thriller nods to Tarantino

    Pick of the week: Ben Wheatley's "Kill List" is part recession-era drama, part violent insanity

    Pick of the week

    Ben Wheatley certainly isn’t the only filmmaker who built his reputation making wannabe-viral video clips for the Internet, but he might be the most talented one, and the one who’s made the most impressive transition to the big screen. A 39-year-old from suburban London, Wheatley will perhaps never attain the heights of popular success he hit in 2005 with a 10-second video titled “Cunning Stunt” (it’s a spoonerism — get it?), which I should not spoil in case you haven’t seen it. Go ahead, the rest of us will wait. Honestly, the combination of good cheer, cleverness and outright cruelty achieved in “Cunning Stunt” pretty much tells you what you need to know about Wheatley. You’ll either conclude, hell yeah, I want to watch whatever that dude makes next, or you’ll say get me the Sam Hill out of here. In either case, I understand.

    Continue Reading
    Andrew O

      More Andrew O'Hehir

    Thursday, Dec 8, 2011 1:00 PM UTC2011-12-08T13:00:00Zl, M j, Y g:i A T

    The controlled madness of “American Horror Story”

    Between Jessica Lange's southern Gothic hamminess and the ever-growing roster of ghosts, this is one loopy show

    Dylan McDermott wrestles with "The Rubber Man" on "American Horror Story"

    Dylan McDermott wrestles with "The Rubber Man" on "American Horror Story"

    The following article contains spoilers for "American Horror Story" season one, episode 10, "Smoldering Children." Read at your own risk.

    “Ladies and gentlemen … the ham.”

    This may be the line that Jessica Lange was born to say, in the role she was born to play, on a TV show perfectly suited to her fluttery intensity. Her character Constance delivered it over a tight shot of a ham festooned with moist pineapple slices being thrust into the camera’s lens, as if the show were being broadcast in 3-D. It was a perfect kick-off to “Smoldering Children,” the 10th episode of the first season of “American Horror Story.”

    Continue Reading
    Matt Zoller Seitz

      More Matt Zoller Seitz

    Thursday, Nov 17, 2011 7:23 PM UTC2011-11-17T19:23:00Zl, M j, Y g:i A T

    “Breaking Dawn Part 1″: Bella Swan, demon mama or Christ figure?

    In a gory, porny penultimate chapter, all the sexual perversity of "Twilight" comes bubbling through the cracks

    Breaking Dawn

    Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart in "Breaking Dawn"

    “How badly are you hurt?” murmurs studly but ethereal vampire Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) to his human bride, née Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart), on the morning after their wedding night. No no no no — it’s not what you’re thinking. Edward’s superhuman and indeed inhuman strength has left Bella’s arms and torso covered with bruises (and, infamously, has shattered the headboard above their bed). Devotee of the union of Eros and Thanatos that she is, Bella digs it, and wants more. Being a man, albeit an undead one, Edward has second thoughts about the whole thing now that he’s gotten what he came for, and spends the rest of their honeymoon on a Brazilian tropical island shying away from Bella, or playing chess with her. Which is a metaphor for, you know, sex or war or something. Or maybe not a metaphor at all but just chess, played by two people who self-evidently don’t know how to play, with a strangely large and silly set of chessmen.

    Continue Reading
    Andrew O

      More Andrew O'Hehir

    Wednesday, Oct 26, 2011 12:00 AM UTC2011-10-26T00:00:00Zl, M j, Y g:i A T

    This year’s must-read zombie epic

    Colson Whitehead's funny and frightening new novel revitalizes the horror genre

    zoneone_AF

    Topics:,
    This article appears courtesy of the Barnes & Noble Review.

    Zombies eat human flesh, shamble, are bad conversationalists, and need to be shot through the head. Zombie epics usually end in a dismemberment frenzy or hard-won communal recovery. These things we know. Colson Whitehead knows them too — and much more — as exemplified by his nearly perfect new novel, “Zone One,” a sad, funny, and frightening tale that revitalizes a sometimes half-baked genre.

    Continue Reading

      More Jeff VanderMeer

    Thursday, Oct 13, 2011 12:00 AM UTC2011-10-13T00:00:00Zl, M j, Y g:i A T

    “The Thing”: Loving prequel to a horror classic

    Go back to Antarctica with Hieronymus Bosch in a thrilling tribute to John Carpenter's 1982 monster-fest

    The Thing

    Does the world really need some young European director’s new version of “The Thing,” given that John Carpenter’s 1982 film is universally regarded as a high point in the monster-movie tradition and a masterpiece of claustrophobic, paranoid horror? No, of course not. But the world doesn’t need all kinds of things that it’s got, including Rick Perry and breakfast cereal flavored with peanut butter. You don’t actually need to have a telephone that’s also a little TV set, but you’ve probably got one in your pocket right now.

    Continue Reading
    Andrew O

      More Andrew O'Hehir

    Page 1 of 17 in Horror

    Currently In Salon

    Other News