Come on down to the Surgery Shack for a brand-new face at used-car prices ... in easy monthly payments!
Topics: Entertainment News
I‘m watching Judge Judy be a badass, as usual, when a commercial comes on offering cosmetic surgery for no money down. That’s right, no money down!
Once, long ago, cosmetic surgery was the exclusive domain of the rich. Now even mobile-home denizens can have instantly shapely buttocks! Is this a great country, or what?
I call the number on the screen to obtain my free “That Look” pamphlet, and before I know it, I’m learning that “cosmetic procedures are accepted today by people from all walks of life.” According to the brochure, “Success — whether in our business or personal lives — often depends upon the image we project.”
So … cosmetic surgery is the ticket out of poverty? But isn’t it, um, prohibitively expensive? “The value of new self-confidence and a strong personal presence go well beyond price.”
Well fuck me sideways! This deal is too good to pass up! I wonder what would happen if, say, a rather unstable individual were to call and request several inane modifications. Would some sensible person try to talk him out of the procedure? Inquiring minds want to know.
I dial 1-800-IMAGES-1, and inform the operator that I saw their “Judge Judy” commercial, and was wondering if they could point me in the direction of the cosmetic surgery that’s right for me.
“You don’t have something particular you want to change about yourself?”
“No. It just looked like such a good deal, I didn’t want to pass it up.”
[Pause.] “OK. We do face lifts, eyes, around the mouth, tummy tucks, stretch marks … um, that sort of thing.”
“It’s such a hard decision,” I whine. “Couldn’t you tell me what I need when I come in?”
“Generally people have something in mind. Do you have a particular area of the body you’re not happy with?”
[Another pause.] “No, not really. I didn’t really think about it until I saw the commercial. It looked like a such a good deal! I just like to go in and see what they suggest.”
[This time, a long pause.] “OK …”
Finally, I suggest that I might be interested in achieving more massive buttocks. She instructs me to fill out a That Look application.
Two hours later, a whiny-voiced woman calls to inform me that I’ve been granted a $7,000 line of cosmetic surgery credit! Hot damn!
“OK, now the doctor we selected for you is excellent,” she says. “His name is Dr. Seys. It’s spelled S-U-E-S-S.”
“S-U-E-S-S? Dr. Suess?”
“Well, it’s not pronounced Suess,” she says.
This story writes itself! The discount cosmetic surgery people want me to go see … Dr. Suess! A question forms in my mind: Will he cut me with a knife? Will he go and tell his wife? I quickly brush it aside. Anyway, I’ll soon find out, since I’ve been granted a complimentary consultation valued at $250. Additionally, I’ve been entered into That Look’s monthly drawing for a free breast, liposuction or nose procedure. I don’t need any of these, but hell, if I win I would most certainly take advantage of their generosity.
Walking to the bathroom mirror, I stare deeply at my face. What would I change about it if I could? I draw a blank — and then it occurs to me that my unstable and borderline psychotic alter-ego might be interested in a very large, plush and cushiony new forehead.
Time to go shopping for my new face! Having duly internalized the low self-esteem encouraged by That Look’s literature, I hide my face from the world. I decide to wear a hood. (OK, well, not exactly a hood, but a wool cap worn very low on my head.) I’ve adopted the pseudonym “John Merrick.”
I meet Dr. Suess at his pristine San Francisco medical office. Sadly, he isn’t dressed like the Cat in the Hat; he’s dressed more like a middle-aged doctor. I sit, head lowered, on his examination table.
“I’m not sure what I need done, so I wanted to see what you recommend.” I crane my neck and stick out my face.
“Well, what do you want to get done?” he asks dryly.
“Can you give me your honest opinion about my forehead?” I ask.
Dr. Suess tells me to remove my Elephant Man hood. I hesitate.
“You might want to shield your eyes,” I mumble. He doesn’t. I unveil my run-of-the-mill forehead as though it were hideously disfigured. Dr. Seuss studies my pouting mug.
“I’ve been thinking about a bigger forehead. See how it goes like this?” My finger traces the contours of my forehead. I extend my hand outward. “I’d like a bigger forehead. Can you do that for me?”
Without skipping a beat, he says, “What we can do is inject fat into your forehead from another part of your body.” Terrific! My forehead will be filled with fat. This will be ideal for comfortable head-butting. Dr. Suess explains the procedure in a very matter-of-fact tone.
I keep waiting for the moment when he’ll grab me by the shoulders, shake me and scream, “Are you out of your mind?!” The moment does not come.
Instead, he explains the procedure. They’ll insert a needle into a thick layer of fat on my thigh or buttocks, then inject it into my forehead. The process will be repeated until the desired amount of fat has been transferred. I practically hug Dr. Suess.
On a whim, I inquire about a brand new chin — I’m an impulse shopper! Again, he dryly explains the chin procedure and shows me chin implants of various sizes. The bill for both procedures would total $3,200. Hell, put it on my account!
I’m directed to the receptionist. She tells me I can make an appointment for surgery immediately. I avoid setting a date, make my excuses and leave.
First thing the next morning, I get a call from That Look. A woman asks how my appointment went. I tell her I’m worried about my finances. “You’re concerned about the payments? Well, let’s go over them.”
“OK,” I say.
She immediately launches into the hard sell. She stresses the cost effectiveness of doing both the chin and forehead procedures at once, rather than putting one of them off. “Yeah, I don’t know if I can afford it,” I say. “Maybe I can sell some of my stuff.”
“Well, certainly I’m not in the position to tell you what you can and cannot afford. According to what your credit report shows, you can afford it!”
I tell her I’m trying to decide between a new forehead and a new shotgun. She wisely implies that I must decide: Do I want a new face or a new shotgun? The discrepancy between the choices does not seem to faze her. Neither does my interest in firearms.
I mull it over. “My answer,” I say, “is a brand new face!”
Now I can watch “Judge Judy” with newfound confidence. I can smile at the checkout clerk as I buy Top Ramen. And when I find I can’t make the payments on my surgery, I’ll wait for the repo man to repossess my head.
More Related Stories
- J.J. Abrams reveals deleted shower scene with Benedict Cumberbatch
- What's behind New York's anti-gay hate crimes?
- Paul McCartney backs Pussy Riot
- Cannes: Ryan Gosling's new movie draws the boo-birds
- Radio host tweets rape joke, blames journalists for reporting on it
- Juror responds to Joe Francis' insults with thoughtful email
- New track from the Lonely Island features Solange Knowles, semicolons
- Amazon introduces fan fiction publishing platform
- Naomi Watts, "Argo," "Wonderstone" among bizarre Teen Choice Awards nominees
- Imprisoned Pussy Riot member declares hunger strike
- The camp-free "Behind the Candelabra"
- Justin Bieber will destroy you if you live-tweet his parties
- Marc Maron on Twitter feud with Michael Ian Black: "We have an understanding"
- "Girls Gone Wild" creator Joe Francis to jury: "You should be euthanized"
- Ai Weiwei releases heavy metal music video
- Actually, Beyoncé is a feminist
- Marc Maron and Michael Ian Black's epic Twitter battle
- Cannes: Directing 101 with James Franco
- Welcome to the jungle: The definitive oral history of '80s metal
- Burt Bacharach opens up on daughter's suicide
- Steven Spielberg to produce "Halo" television series
Featured Slide Shows
The week in 10 picsclose X
- 1 of 11
Lisa Montgomery embraces her nephew Thursday after a tornado tore apart her home in Cleburne, Texas. The twister killed six people and destroyed entire swaths of the North Texas town.
Credit: AP/LM Otero
Jack McMahon, the defense attorney for abortion doctor Kermit Gosnell, speaks outside the Criminal Justice Center in Philadelphia Tuesday. His client was convicted of killing three babies in his clinic, and will serve multiple life sentences.
Credit: AP/Matt Rourke
A photo taken Monday captures Vice President Joe Biden's response to a Milwaukee second-grader's innovative proposal to end America's epidemic of gun violence. This guy!
Credit: AP/Jenny Aicher
Sen. Rand Paul, R-Ky., flanked by a grouper-eyed Michele Bachmann, addresses the IRS' admission that it targeted Tea Party groups in advance of the 2012 election. In an op-ed for CNN Thursday, the Kentucky senator slammed the president for his faux outrage.
Credit: AP/Molly Riley
Ousted IRS chief Steven Miller is sworn in on Capitol Hill Friday. Miller testified before the House Ways and Means Committee on the extra scrutiny the agency gave conservative groups applying for tax-exempt status.
Credit: AP/J. Scott Applewhite
Attorney General Eric Holder pauses as he testifies on Capitol Hill before the House Judiciary Committee Wednesday. Holder is under fire, among other things, for the Justice Department's gathering of phone records at the Associated Press.
Credit: AP/Carolyn Kaster
O.J. Simpson sits during an evidentiary hearing at Clark County District Court in Las Vegas, Nev., Thursday. Simpson, who is currently serving a nine-to-33-year sentence in state prison for armed robbery and kidnapping, is using a writ of habeas corpus to seek a new trial.
Credit: AP/Las Vegas Review-Journal/Jeff Scheid
Major Tom to ground control: On Sunday astronaut Chris Hadfield recorded the first music video from space, a cover of David Bowie's "Space Oddity."
Credit: AP/NASA/Chris Hadfield
When it rains it pours. President Barack Obama speaks during a news conference Thursday with Turkish Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan, inexplicably inspiring an #umbrellagate Twitter meme.
Credit: AP/Jacquelyn Martin
A smoke plume rises high above a road block at the intersection of County A and Ross Road east of Solon Springs, Wis., Tuesday. No injuries were reported, but the the wildfire caused evacuations across northwestern Wisconsin.
Credit: AP/The Duluth News-Tribune/Clint Austin
Recent Slide Shows
- 1 of 11
Harmon has written for Details, Gear, Maxim, POV and The London Guardian, and for the online magazines HotWired, Word and E! Online. He has also written for and appeared on the BBC, and performed comedy around the globe including the Edinburgh Festival in Scotland, the Adelaide and Melbourne
Festival in Australia as well as performances in England, Ireland, Holland, Denmark and New Zealand.