Academia
Ancient history
I enrolled in college at 41. I did not wear Tommy Hilfiger. Things unraveled.
Aging is a strange thing. In the mirror I see nothing different
from what I’ve always seen, but a number of years ago, supermarket checkers
and other impertinents started calling me “ma’am.” They think they’re being
polite. I want to tweak their heads off.
The first thing I learned in my first college class was who I
am. Oh, in the abstract I know who that is, of course. I’m 41 years old,
married, childless, writer. I started working fresh out of high school and
have worked ever since. I talked about going to college eventually, but who
knew 23 years would elapse before I did? In fact, who knew 23 years would elapse at all?
For the most part, I have done a fine job avoiding any confrontation
with my age. Generally, I surround myself with a mirror of peers who reflect
back at me faces just like mine. By opting not to have children, I have
managed to avoid placing myself in the role of elder. I work at home, so I
don’t have to deal with a workplace of fresh young things, as I did when I
worked at a newspaper. It’s been five years since I left that job and I vividly remember the annual intern season. Those flocks of pretty
young people bubbling with naive enthusiasm always made me feel like Ed
Asner.
And so by exercising well-established avoidance techniques, I created
for myself a cozy delusion that I am, really, as young as I feel — usually pretty young.
Then I started college.
Not just that, but signed up for daytime classes at a community college,
which probably makes the experience a lot more like high school than I
imagine a university would be. Community college feels like time travel back
to my Wonder Years. Couples cuddle in stairwells, kids cluster in hallways
comparing grades, classmates hurry to finish homework before
the teacher arrives.
Fashion accelerates the time warp. Schoolgirls today look a lot like they did in my
day, with long, straight, center-parted hair, big bell-bottom jeans and tiny,
shrunken T-shirts. At any moment I expect my best friend circa 1975 to pop
out of the girls’ room and talk me into cutting class.
My first few weeks at college, I was confident, even cocky.
Sure, the kids surrounding me could tell I was no teenager, but certainly
they also saw my inherent coolness. I was not their mother, I was
them, only a little older. I wore the right bell-bottom jeans, the right
clunky shoes. I didn’t, like one older student I saw — older, even, than I –
wear T-shirts with sparkly big-eyed kitty cats on them. I knew better.
I was smug as only the young can be.
I was pleased to note that although most of my
classmates were not even fetuses the last time I sat in a classroom, I was
at least younger than the teacher, a genial gray-haired fellow with a grand
Texas belly that preceded him into the room. My delusion was maintained — I
might be old, but I wasn’t that old.
I made myself comfortable in the second row and was befriended by the
nice young man who sat next to me. He was older than the youngest in the
class, but nowhere near as old as me. I was flattered that he seemed to have
singled me out as the type of person a guy might want to sit next to in a
7:30 a.m. algebra class. Of course, I told myself. I’m not nearly as
decrepit as 41 sounds.
But one day, the teacher told a joke that inspired blank looks from the
class. He shrugged and explained he’d gotten it from an Archie comic.
Dead silence. “How many of you know who Archie Andrews is?” the teacher
asked. Mine was the only hand that went up.
He and I laughed and spun off a little riff, remembering the characters
together: Moose, Juggie, Mr. Weatherbee, Miss Grundy, Big Ethel. I was cool,
he was cool, we were cool.
Meanwhile, the nice young man next to me peered at the overhead lights
through the prism of his pink plastic triangle.
“What are you doing?” the teacher asked, a little peevishly.
“Nothing,” the young man said. “I’m just not interested in what you’re
talking about.”
And with that, reality hit me in the face like a big, wet raspberry: To these little toots, I’m just an old fart. And as I sat there, fighting a blush, my delusion unraveled.
The right shoes? Who was I kidding — mine were circa 1991 Dr. Martens. That would mean some of my classmates were in elementary school when I bought them. As for
the rest of my clothing, nowhere on my body did the words “Tommy” or
“Hilfiger” appear, nor “Old Navy” nor “Guess.”
And look at me, carrying my schoolbooks not in a backpack, or a rolling
suitcase, as was becoming trendy, but in a tote bag. A tote bag. For god’s sake, I might as well have crocheting in it. And I could pull ancient hard candies from my pocketbook for all the nice children.
I clearly had no idea how to comport myself in class. I had acquired
the idea that asking questions was a good thing; halfway into
the semester I realized I was the only one. I mentioned
this to my husband. “Oh yeah,” he said, thinking back to his college days.
“There was one old lady in every class who always had a million questions.”
Worse yet, I asked all the wrong questions. I asked “how?” and “why?”
and “what if?” instead of the one right question for
young college students in the know: “Will this be on the test?”
There I had it. The inescapable truth. You can put an old broad in
college but you can’t make her young.
And so I invented a way to save face. I made myself invisible.
I try not to draw attention to myself. Whenever a question inspired by
mere curiosity bubbles to the surface, I bite my tongue. The ones I do ask no longer begin with “what if?” Even my teachers don’t seem to care
for those questions. They just want to get on with things before the
attention of the rest of the class wanders.
Perhaps most important, I have given up that adolescent notion that
all the world is looking at me. Ever since Archie Andrews made a woman of
me, I cast aside all concern for the opinions of people younger than some
of my T-shirts. Instead, when I do look around, I notice that although
I’m still there — sitting in classrooms, walking the halls, passing through
energy fields of raging hormones as schoolboy meets girl — no one seems to
notice my old-school shoes, my Tommy-free fashion, my dork-deluxe tote bag.
To be honest, no one seems to notice me at all.
Sophia Dembling is a writer and student living in Dallas. More Sophia Dembling.
Majoring in Potterology
Are books like J.K. Rowling's popular series and Stephenie Meyer's "Twilight" fit subjects for serious scholarship?
(Credit: Shutterstock/Salon) Last week in Scotland, 60 scholars gathered over two days for the U.K.’s first scholarly conference on the Harry Potter series. The Guardian newspaper quoted John Mullan, a professor of English at University College London, questioning the wisdom of organizing such an event. Concluding that the host college, the University of St. Andrews, was primarily after “publicity,” Mullan suggested the attendees would be better off forgetting kids’ books and cultivating their gravitas. “They should be reading Milton and ‘Tristram Shandy,’” he told the Guardian. “That’s what they’re paid to do.”
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Laura Miller is a senior writer for Salon. She is the author of "The Magician's Book: A Skeptic's Adventures in Narnia" and has a Web site, magiciansbook.com. More Laura Miller.
We had all the time in the world
My sabbatical offered a quiet and calm I'd always wanted. Then I discovered what a challenge that could be
(Credit: Hofhauser via Shutterstock) One of the enviable perks of the academic life is the funded year off that comes every seven years, and my husband and I were miraculously scheduled for sabbatical at the same time. The year fell during what was technically the second year of our “empty nest,” but it was the first time we’d be without children and day jobs. Unlike our colleagues, who head to dusty provincial church archives to research the something-something in medieval Spain, we were free to go wherever. Filled with ideas for almost every medium — play, essay, screenplay, pilot, humor pieces — I dreamed of untold productivity and an endless summer at my in-laws’ lake house in New Hampshire. I would finally have the time and quiet I’d been hungering for after 19 years of teaching and raising children.
Continue Reading CloseWendy MacLeod's plays have been produced Off-Broadway at Playwrights Horizons and at The Goodman and Steppenwolf Theaters in Chicago. Her play "The House of Yes" was made into a Miramax film. Her prose has appeared in McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, The International Herald Tribune, The Washington Post, The Rumpus, The Awl, NPR’s All Things Considered and POETRY magazine. She is the James E. Michael Playwright-in-Residence at Kenyon College. Her new play "Women in Jep" will premiere in July at the Arden Theater in Philadelphia. More Wendy MacLeod.
MacArthur Foundation reveals 2011 “genius grants”
Recipients of surprise $500,000 fellowships include Chicago architect, founder of New York City children's choir
NEW YORK, NY - SEPTEMBER 18: Francisco Nunez, winner of the MacArthur Fellowship was photographed on September 18, 2011 in New York, NY. (Photo by Chris Lane/Getty Images for Home Front)(Credit: Christopher Lane) A Chicago skyscraper architect, a New York City children’s choir founder and a North Carolina scientist who studies how to prevent sports-related concussions are among the latest 22 recipients of the no-strings-attached MacArthur Foundation “genius grants.”
The $500,000 fellowships for 2011 were announced Tuesday by the Chicago-based John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation. Recipients largely don’t know they’re in contention for the annual awards, and often learn they’re winners with an out-of-the-blue phone call informing them they’ll receive the money over the next five years.
Continue Reading CloseWhen Jonathan Franzen came to town
I wanted to be the perfect host for the Great American Novelist. Instead I saw how strange literary celebrity is
Jonathan Franzen For the dinner in honor of the Great American Novelist the guest list is made up months in advance. Nobody asks whether the visiting writer wants a dinner. Nobody considers the possibility that giving a lecture on a full stomach and after a glass or two of wine might be difficult. The dinner is not about what the writer wants; it’s about what we want. And we want to meet the writer. Are we highbrow sycophants competing for the chance to say forever after that we had dinner with the Great American Novelist? Or are we faithful readers grateful to hear more from a writer we admire? When Jonathan Franzen came to Kenyon College, I was hoping we’d be the latter.
Continue Reading CloseWendy MacLeod's plays have been produced Off-Broadway at Playwrights Horizons and at The Goodman and Steppenwolf Theaters in Chicago. Her play "The House of Yes" was made into a Miramax film. Her prose has appeared in McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, The International Herald Tribune, The Washington Post, The Rumpus, The Awl, NPR’s All Things Considered and POETRY magazine. She is the James E. Michael Playwright-in-Residence at Kenyon College. Her new play "Women in Jep" will premiere in July at the Arden Theater in Philadelphia. More Wendy MacLeod.
Is it time to kill the liberal arts degree?
I was a floundering humanities graduate too, but in a brutal job market, maybe we need to rethink what we teach
Every year or two, my husband, an academic advisor at a prestigious Midwestern university, gets a call from a student’s parent. Mr. or Mrs. So-and-so’s son is a sophomore now and still insistent on majoring in film studies, anthropology, Southeast Asian comparative literature or, god forbid … English. These dalliances in the humanities were fine and good when little Johnny was a freshman, but isn’t it time now that he wake up and start thinking seriously about what, one or two or three years down the line, he’s actually going to do?
Continue Reading CloseKim Brooks is a graduate of the Iowa Writers' Workshop. Her fiction has appeared in Glimmer Train, One Story, Epoch, and other journals. She lives in Chicago and has just finished a novel. You can follow her on Twitter @KA_Brooks. More Kim Brooks.
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