Super Bowl
Have yourself a merry Jimmy Buffettmas
Pour yourself a drink and forget the presents. December 25 offers plenty of other reasons to celebrate.
If you’re like me, you’ve done the “holiday season” thing every winter for some 30-odd years now. And every year, you heave a big sigh of relief when it’s all over.
Sure the parties are great, the decorations are nice, the Christmas trees are pretty and smell really good. But the sentiment is lost under all the glossy red and green advertising hype, the prefab gift sets and the insipid songs. Admit it: You only buy presents for the people you know will be buying you something.
Isn’t it time to try something new? Loretta Lynn wants us to “put the Christ back in Christmas.” I say let’s give Jesus a break.
December 25 offers plenty of other reasons to celebrate. Book a flight, get out of town and forget about the presents. This year, have a happy alternative Christmas by celebrating some of the other famous people who share the same birthday as Christ.
Humphrey Bogartmas
Brood and chain-smoke all day in your matching trench coat and fedora. Grimace as you mutter machine-gun-fire bons mots. And don’t say, “Play it again, Sam,” because he never did.
Sir Isaac Newtonmas
Prove and reprove the theory that gravity does exist by dropping things on people all day. This is especially fun to do while wearing a big powdered wig and pantaloons.
A Patriotic Christmas
It was on December 25, 1896, that John Philip Sousa finally committed to paper a melody that had been haunting him for several days. That catchy little ditty was none other than the patriodelic “The Stars and Stripes Forever.” In order to celebrate Sousa’s Stars and Stripesmas properly, search bargain bins and garage sales for months or even years in advance to make one single tape of every version of “The Stars and Stripes Forever” that’s ever been recorded. We’re talking Zamfir’s Pan Flute version, the Moog Synthesizer version, the U.S. Navy Marching Band, Nirvana, the Hollywood Strings. Every version. Ideally, Sousa’s Stars and Stripesmas should be celebrated in a patriotic setting: Philadelphia, Arlington Cemetery or in front of the Alamo. One should wear turn-of-the-century garments and ride around on one of those bicycles with the really big front wheel. (Cycling was America’s predominant pastime in 1896.) But if you can’t pull that off, just wear red, white and blue, drink lots of hearty ale and make up your own words to the song you would love to forget.
Larry Csonkamas
Sports enthusiasts already know that December 25 is Larry Csonkamas. Miami, Fla., is the place to celebrate his birthday by playing football the whole day. And it’s Csonkamas, so everyone gets to be No. 39. At the end of the day, throw a big banquet where everyone takes turns giving short Hall of Fame acceptance speeches and recounting fond memories from Super Bowls VI, VII and VIII.
Jimmy Buffettmas
The birth of Jimmy Buffett can be properly celebrated in any suburb that has a Margaritaville restaurant. Declare yourself a “parrothead” (akin to the Grateful Dead’s “deadheads”), don a Hawaiian shirt, imbibe hundreds of margaritas and run around screaming for your “lost shaker of salt.” Warning: After too many margaritas it becomes easy to confuse Jimmy Buffett and Eddie Money. So whatever you do, under no circumstances sing “Two Tickets to Paradise” (that’s Eddie Money).
Cab Callowaymas
On December 25, 1907, Mr. Minnie the Moocher, the original crossover artist (one of the first black band leaders to become popular with white audiences) was born. Celebrate by donning a white tuxedo with tails and taking the A train into Harlem. Tap-dance a lot and wish everyone a hearty “Hi di, hi di, hi di, ho, ho, ho.” Plop the kiddies in front of the TV and pop that old Betty Boop cartoon into the VCR. (Cab provided the music, vocals and inspiration for the dancing skeletons in the haunted “St. James Infirmary” sequence.) Shake your head and remember the good ol’ days.
Twilight Zonemas
On this day in 1924, “Twilight Zone’s” deadpan host and creator, Rod Serling, was born. This holiday allows for some free-form adaptation. Choose your favorite “Twilight Zone” episode and spend the day reenacting pivotal moments from it in the public setting of your choice. Some personal favorites include:
Talking Tinamas: Carry around a baby doll that says “Mommy. Daddy. I’m going to kill you.”
Eye of the Beholdermas: You and your friends wear pig-face masks and walk around shrieking in horror when you encounter “conventionally attractive” people.
Queen of the Nilemas: Adopting the doomed glamour of a fading movie star, try to place a magic scarab on a youthful victim’s chests (so you can suck out the life that’s left in them in order to retain your ageless beauty).
Clara Bartonmas
‘Tis the season to act out all your nurse fantasies.
Barbara Mandrellmas
This Nashville darling deserves some celebrating. A marathon of her 1980s family variety show would be a lovely way to spend some quality time with someone dear, don’t you think?
Dean Martin Death Day
This is the High Holy Day for the swing set. It also falls conveniently close to Frank Sinatramas (December 12). To celebrate properly, don a sharkskin suit or a beaded satin cocktail dress for your “gay apparel” and head to the holy land for high rollers: Las Vegas. (It’s a travesty that the Sands no longer exists, making it impossible to visit the sacred spot in front of the marquee where the Rat Pack was photographed and immortalized into a top-selling postcard.) Dean Martin Death Day celebrants should, upon waking, immediately commence the obligatory 21-martini salute. Around martini No. 10, begin spontaneously bursting into strains of “That’s Amore.” By martini No. 21 everyone will be singing “Volare.” End the night with some drunken off-color slurs, alleged spousal abuse and a retreat into obscurity.
As you can see, the possibilities for a truly enjoyable December 25 are virtually limitless. It’s just not fair that Jesus gets all the glory. Martha Stewart may tell you to deep-fry your turkey this year for something different. I say trash the whole Christmas concept and start from scratch. Celebrate some of the others who have been lost in the shadow of His glory.
After all, it’s Christmas!
Gentry Lane is an American writer living in Paris. More Gentry Lane.
Super Bowl ads: The good, the bad and the ’80s
There were cars and babes galore. But in a game that rematched teams from four years ago, retro ruled the ads, too VIDEO
Several months ago, a 45-year-old ad executive drove home in his roomy, fuel-efficient SUV, anticipating the watery beer that awaited in his fridge, and thought, “Dammit, I used to be cool. Cool like Lloyd Dobler.” And then he went on to create the ads for the 2012 Super Bowl. Nostalgic much, Gen-X?
Sure, this year’s crop of ads featured hot babes, cute kids, funny animals and Doritos, but they were also heavily tinged with one overwhelming message: Hey, you. Yeah you, the one who once thought your band was going to be the next Love & Rockets. Can we sell you a car? Herewith, Salon’s picks for the Super Bowl’s best, the worst, and the most likely to make John Hughes roll over in his grave.
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Mary Elizabeth Williams is a staff writer for Salon and the author of "Gimme Shelter: My Three Years Searching for the American Dream." Follow her on Twitter: @embeedub. More Mary Elizabeth Williams.
Super Bowl: A tale of two catches
A taut, novelistic game turns in the space of three plays
New England Patriots wide receiver Wes Welker drops a pass during the second half of the NFL Super Bowl XLVI football game against the New York Giants, Sunday, Feb. 5, 2012, in Indianapolis. (AP Photo/Matt Slocum) (Credit: AP) Super Bowl 46 was a tale of two catches – one made, one dropped – that took place within the space of three plays. The catch he dropped will haunt New England Patriots flanker Wes Welker to the end of his days. The one that New York Giants’ wide receiver Mario Manningham caught led to the Giants’ fourth Vince Lombardi Trophy, and will be almost too painful for Patriots’ fans to ever watch. Four years after Giants’ receiver David Tyree’s legendary ball-on-helmet grab led to the Giants’ scintillating victory in Super Bowl 42, the Patriots just got fatally struck by Eli Manning lightning. Again.
Continue Reading CloseGary Kamiya is a Salon contributing writer. More Gary Kamiya.
How Madonna liberated America
As the pop icon prepares to play the Super Bowl, a celebration of the way she changed sexual mores forever
When Madonna takes the stage at halftime of the Super Bowl this Sunday, she’ll be the first female solo performer to do so since Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake played peek-a-boo in 2004. Ever since Nipplegate, Super Bowl programmers have avowedly played it safe, booking a string of hoary grown-man rockers such as Paul McCartney and The Boss, known quantities not prone to random disrobing.
By and large, the halftime show has become the live-performance equivalent of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, an honor bestowed long after an artist’s peak. So Madonna, once the baddest good girl or best bad girl in pop, is now safe prime-time fare? No shocker there. But even if Madonna hasn’t had a mega-hit since Justin Bieber was in diapers, that’s far from the point. Madge will be bringing two other fabulous Ms. M’s — Minaj and M.I.A. — onstage with her, which is exciting, but that’s not the point either.
Continue Reading CloseSara Marcus Sara Marcus is the author of Girls to the Front: The True Story of the Riot Grrrl Revolution." Follow her on Twitter: @thesaramarcus. More Sara Marcus.
Puppies and nostalgia will always sell
In a brand-savvy world, Super Bowl ads attract social media attention with sex and cuteness
(Credit: CNET) “If God manifested himself to us, he would do so in the form of a product advertised on TV.” –Philip K. Dick
So how did you like this year’s Super Bowl ads? You know, the ones that haven’t aired yet? The ones that have been teased, previewed, screened, deconstructed and parodied days and — in some instances, weeks — before their broadcast “premiere” during Sunday’s big game?
Which dancing and/or talking, cute, furry piece of CGI wizardry did you like best? Which retro-celebrity comeback performance? Which piece of brilliantly choreographed boomer nostalgia or crowd-sourced slapstick? What offended you more, the GoDaddy boobs or the boobs that represented the prototypical salt, trans-fat, hops-barley-and-corn-obsessed American male, circa 2012?
Continue Reading CloseJames P. Othmer is the author of the novel “The Futurist,” the memoir “Adland: Searching for the Meaning of Life on a Branded Planet” and the forthcoming thriller, “The Last Trade,” written as James Conway. More James P. Othmer.
The Super Bowl is not a job creator
Despite what civic boosters say, hosting the big game provides few long-term benefits
(Credit: AP/Michael Conroy) Roger Goodell, the commissioner of the National Football League, argued on “60 Minutes” last Sunday that the NFL is one professional organization designed to appeal to the economic interests of the little guy: Its revenue-sharing model, he said, gives a fighting chance to squads from Green Bay and Buffalo as well as to those from large media markets like New York, Los Angeles and Boston.
On the eve of the Super Bowl, Goodell was touting the familiar idea that the sport’s biggest game is a boon to economic development. But with the cost of a ticket now averaging $3,982 and 30-second television spots selling for $3.5 million, the Super Bowl can appear to be more an occasion for ostentatious excess than an engine of development.
Continue Reading CloseAlexander Heffner is a freelance journalist whose writing has appeared in the New York Times, Washington Post, and Boston Globe. More Alexander Heffner.
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