Air Travel
Fly boy faux pas
Sometimes even high-flying airline pilots turn out to have feet of clay.
Commercial airline pilots, many of whom adopt hard-edged, one-syllable, “Top Gun”-ish names like Chuck, Skip, Buzz, Chip, Turk, Blade and, uh, Dick, have a reputation for thinking highly of themselves. Like surgeons and criminal defense attorneys, they undergo rigorous training, withstand constant public scrutiny, make lots of money and are responsible for the well-being of their clients.
But every now and then, when a silver-haired fly boy steps out of the cockpit, hitches up his pants and prepares to mix with the plebeians, a measure of humor comes right along with them.
Here are three good examples of pilot faux pas as told to me by flight attendants or the pilots themselves:
During a cross-country all-nighter, a particular DC-10 captain (we’ll call him Capt. Spaz) stepped out of the cockpit to relieve himself in the first-class lavatory. But when he opened the door and stepped inside, a woman let loose a scream that woke the dead and nearly killed a few startled passengers. Sitting on the toilet with her pants around her ankles, the woman had apparently forgotten to lock the lavatory door.
Capt. Spaz — startled by a succession of screams that brought flight attendants scurrying from their posts — immediately backed out of the lavatory. In the process of stepping in, however, he had somehow managed to hook his foot through one leg hole of the poor woman’s panties.
While backing away from the lavatory, Capt. Spaz inadvertently yanked the woman’s legs forward. She screamed again. He tried wiggling his foot out of her panties. She screamed once more. He pulled harder. She screamed louder. He fell on the floor, in full view of the first-class passengers, jiggling his foot like a … well, like a man with his foot caught in the leg hole of a strange woman’s panties.
By the time he extricated himself, by the time her panties had snapped back into place and the door had been mercifully shut and locked, Capt. Spaz had lost most of his self-esteem and one of his uniform shoes. He retreated into the cockpit and was incommunicado for the entire 30-hour layover that followed the flight.
In the middle of the night, during a layover somewhere in South America, another captain (we’ll call him Capt. Sleepy) woke in his hotel room. Buck naked and barely awake, he opened the door and stumbled into what he thought was the bathroom. “It was really bright in there,” he said to me while recounting the story. “Deep down inside I knew I hadn’t turned on the bathroom light yet. But I guess I was too sleepy for that to register.”
When the door shut behind Capt. Sleepy, he opened his tired eyes. There was no commode, no shower or sink. But there was another door directly in front of him. The door had numbers on it. He looked down and noticed the thick carpet below his feet. He looked left, then right, half-seeing the row of lights that stretched out in either direction.
Suddenly, he came to the realization that he was standing in a brightly lit corridor. That is, he was standing stark naked in the brightly lit corridor of the 21st floor of a four-star hotel. And the door had closed and locked behind him.
Now wide awake, Capt. Sleepy ran to the stairway, descended 21 flights, poked his head through the lobby door and begged the traumatized night clerk for a spare key and a robe.
Early one morning in Madrid, Spain, as a 767 crew left the layover hotel and boarded the crew bus for the airport, an angry woman approached the bus. From what the flight attendant purser told me, the woman was pissed off at the captain (we’ll call him Capt. Horny). She was gesticulating wildly to the hotel doorman and insisted on a confrontation with the captain.
After calming her down, the hotel doorman climbed into the bus and relayed a message to the purser. The purser threw a look at the captain. “The doorman says you need to clear up a room charge with the front desk,” the purser told him in a whisper.
Unable to appreciate the diplomacy the purser had used, the captain insisted that he had no outstanding charges. “You need to pay your bill,” the purser insisted, jamming his thumb toward the woman. The pilot refused once more.
Frustrated, the purser said in a loud voice, “The prostitute who spent the night with you says you didn’t pay her enough money.”
The two co-pilots, all nine flight attendants, even the bus driver, turned to look at the captain. A sheepish grin spread across his face. Capt. Horny climbed off the bus, smiled nervously at the woman and coughed up the required pesetas.
Elliott Neal Hester has been a flight attendant for 15 years. He has also written for National Geographic Traveler, Men's Fitness, Glamour, Maxim and Caribbean Travel & Life. Out of the Blue appears every other Friday. E-mail your tale of life in the sky to Hester. For more columns by Hester, visit his column archive. More Elliott Neal Hester.
Behind the underwear bomb
The latest airplane terror plot wouldn't have been foiled without airport security -- but not the kind we all know
Travelers line up at a TSA checkpoint at Los Angeles International Airport.
(Credit: Reuters/Danny Moloshok) Another deadly plot taken down in the planning stages. This time, thanks to the work of a CIA double agent, officials were able to infiltrate a Yemen-based al-Qaida plot to destroy a U.S.-bound jetliner using a nearly undetectable underwear bomb.The moral of the story: Airport security works!Am I being facetious? Not necessarily. It depends on your definition of airport security.
In my mind, the key to keeping airplanes safe is, and always has been, stopping acts of sabotage while they are still in the planning stages. Here in the age of the TSA checkpoint, with its toothpaste confiscations and obsession with pointy objects, we tend not to think this way, preoccupied instead with a kind of airport Kabuki — the tedious, fanatical screening of passengers and their carry-ons. Real airport security takes place offstage, as it were. It is the job of the folks at the CIA and the FBI, working together with foreign authorities. And while TSA has an important role here too, we can do without the spectacle of airport guards rifling through innocent people’s bags in a pathological hunt for what are effectively harmless items.
Continue Reading ClosePatrick Smith is an airline pilot. More Patrick Smith.
How the rich took over airport security
Security checks were one of America's most democratic places -- until rich passengers got their own speedy lines
(Credit: Reuters/Salon) The other day at Bergstrom Airport in Austin, Texas, I witnessed a striking manifestation of the new American plutocracy. Along with getting a photo at the Department of Motor Vehicles and sitting in a jury pool, standing in line at airport security with a mob of other people, miserable though it is, remains one of the few examples of civic equality in our increasingly oligarchic republic. Much airport security, of course, is theater, designed to provide alibis for bureaucrats and politicians in the event of a terrorist attack. But while we can debate what a rational airport security system would look like, no rational system would discriminate among passengers on the basis of ability to pay.
Continue Reading CloseMichael Lind’s new book, "Land of Promise: An Economic History of the United States", will be published in April and can be pre-ordered at Amazon.com. More Michael Lind.
When parents drug their kids
Antihistamines can knock out even the loudest child on a plane. Is it safe -- or just bad parenting?
(Credit: Ilya Andriyanov and KAMONRAT via Shutterstock) When I wrote last week about the 2-year-old girl who, along with her whole family, was kicked off a JetBlue flight for having a tantrum, I expected an outpouring of responses. What I hadn’t imagined was how much of it would be in favor of sedating kids as a practical means of getting them from point A to point B. “You know how I traveled with toddlers?” the stay-at-home mother of two tweeted to me. “Benadryl. Works like a charm.”
Continue Reading Close
Mary Elizabeth Williams is a staff writer for Salon and the author of "Gimme Shelter: My Three Years Searching for the American Dream." Follow her on Twitter: @embeedub. More Mary Elizabeth Williams.
When a flight becomes “pre-schoolers gone wild”
A family with toddlers is ejected from a JetBlue plane -- and kicks up a storm about kids and travel
(Credit: Kenneth Man via Shutterstock) Very few venues in this world — especially ones that invlove confined spaces — are thrilled to welcome a 2-year-old. Unless you’re at a Wiggles reunion show, the most common response is a lot of rolled eyes, anticipatory grimacing and the question “Can we change our seats?” So when JetBlue staff noticed young Natalie Vieau boarding a flight from Turks and Caicos with her parents and her 3-year-old sister last month, it’s possible they were already steeling themselves for Natalie to behave exactly like, well, a 2-year-old. When young Miss Vieau complied, pitching a fit that would have made Chris Brown proud, the crew kicked her and her family off the plane. Discuss.
Continue Reading Close
Mary Elizabeth Williams is a staff writer for Salon and the author of "Gimme Shelter: My Three Years Searching for the American Dream." Follow her on Twitter: @embeedub. More Mary Elizabeth Williams.
The things I carry
All those gadgets, chargers, adapters and cords are supposed to make my life easier. I'm not so sure
(Credit: Patrick Smith) The scourges of modern-day air travel.
I can think of a few: TSA, delayed flights, garbage in your seat pocket. Screaming kids and misdirected luggage. “CNN Airport News.”
Or, how about the blizzard of cardboard placards that hotel chains insist on littering their rooms with? I spend a quarter of my life in hotel rooms, and I resent having to spend the first five minutes of every stay gathering up an armful of this diabolical detritus and heaving it into a corner where it belongs. Attention, innkeepers: This is fundamentally bad business. One’s first moments in a hotel room should be relaxing. The room itself should impart a sense of welcome. It shouldn’t put you to work.
Continue Reading ClosePatrick Smith is an airline pilot. More Patrick Smith.
Page 1 of 122 in Air Travel