Jan. 15, 2000
January – February 2000
Brittle networks, missed connections and random timeouts will threaten the status quo this lunar cycle. Try to imagine the horrors unleashed by a widespread IP meltdown: a brief interval of mass panic, followed by hoards of people committing unthinkable acts — like picking up their dry-cleaning (it’s been months!), and going offsite for coffee. Only the nerdly network admin stands between civilization and a chaotic world in which we’re all forced to eat our own PDAs.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Burnout has turned the corner and escalated you into a state of ambulatory segfault. Time to reboot and defrag, despite CEO’s directive to buck up and concentrate on fundamentals. Virtual circuits will be the major challenge for woozy, disoriented Aquarius. Bad network making you feel like an old stand-alone? Let your clients know you’re open to promiscuous connections. Feeling like a swamped Web server? Drop a few packets, or take yourself off the air altogether. E-absence makes the heart grow fonder. Crafty asteroid Ceres plots collision course with your career orbit. Professional mass-extinction event? Look out for: Mysterious relay host promising infinite bandwidth. Route around it, or get ready for packet-switched apocalypse. Look forward to: Sudden abundance of slack time, when management decides to scrap current business model, then fails to contrive a plausible replacement. Surf’s up! What you’d be if you were an operating system: FreeBSD — despite your excellent computational pedigree, you’ve been unjustly eclipsed by the acclaim heaped on your waddling colleague.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
The main theme of your problematic love life has an oddly familiar ring: “This program has performed an illegal operation, and will be shut down. Contact Cupid if this problem persists.” More bad news: Mars signals obsolescence. Are you about to end up on the frag heap of yesterday’s protocols? What you’d be if you were an operating system: VMS — though you’re surprisingly effective on the job, your uncommunicative nature and poor people skills ensure you’ll be relegated to back-room, legacy operations. No upward mobility in your future.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Bugs! Multiplying source code defects precipitate sky-high freak-out factor as release dates recede arbitrarily far into the future. Will you ship before the sun burns out? Meta-X-Yow! What you’d be if you were an operating system: Linux — you’re the darling of the moment and loved by all, even if only a few people actually understand you. Your inner life is in turmoil due to constant meddling by random strangers.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Job jumping? Unpredictable Uranus causes you to consider an exciting new position — with no equity. What are you thinking? New moon on the 6th signals regeneration and new prospects. Good thing, too; that product rollout at CES was your very last chance. Innovation, insight and perseverance are no match for dumb luck. What you’d be if you were an operating system: BeOS — cool, flashy, buzzworthy and completely boxed in by competitors. You haven’t got a chance, unless a comet hits Redmond.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
The prying eyes of management examine your every http transmission. In fact, they’re watching right now. Burn all your cookies or face wrath of petulant Aries. Furtive recruiter makes lame job offer. Feign interest, and insist she take you to lunch at that spiffy new bistro. Refuse to talk about anything but your pets. What you’d be if you were an operating system: OS/2 — elegant, relevant, well-integrated and the most conspicuous victim of egregious, 20th century-style monopolism. You could have been a contender on the virtual waterfront. Sic transit gloria, baby.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Flame war with outrageously opinionated Capricorn ruffles virtual feathers all across the WAN. Never wrestle with a pig; you both get dirty and the pig likes it. You’ll be hitting on an attractive blond Aquarian. Unfortunately, the only response you’ll get will be the romantic equivalent of a 404. What you’d be if you were an operating system: TOPS-20 — surprisingly effective, given that you’re so old and have no relevant platform.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
A big project finally wraps up! Savor the success. Wait until after the roll-out party to check your rearview mirror; you’ll see Moore’s law bearing down on you like a pack of rabid gorillas on roller-skates. Passive-aggressive project lead escalates fear-and-loathing policies on the 12th. What you’d be if you were an operating system: Windows 3.1 — you’re an uninspiring, beige copycat of others who were copycats themselves.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
A white lie is your ticket to surviving a project meeting blame-fest. “New specs? I never received any new specs …” Persistent Pluto persuades you to work through the weekend. Look for a spectacular intranet meltdown on the 22nd. What you’d be if you were an operating system: IRIX — you’re powerful, fast, forward-looking and forever doomed by a completely clueless management staff. Jump!
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Excessive Web surfing turns your mind to jelly. Consider hypnosis, meditation or electroshock therapy to recapture awareness of the world outside your cubicle. Mysterious network engineer secretly reassigns your IP address “just for fun.” You kill him, of course. Nobody notices. What you’d be if you were an operating system: CP/M — yesterday’s tragedy. You’re the Miss Havisham of Silicon Valley — aged, jilted, forgotten and terminally bitter for want of a killer app.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Bad romantic connection as Cupid frantically attempts to patch the routing table of love. Packets fly as misunderstandings proliferate. Reset! Nasty Neptune gets personal on the 8th; un-speed dial him — work, home and cell phone. What you’d be if you were an operating system: Windows NT — though superficially indistinguishable from your bland and mediocre predecessors, you have grand and unattainable fantasies of world domination. It’s a bean-and-lithium burrito for you.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Sagittarian manager berates you for going off-site during daylight hours. With options soon to vest, are you going to take it? Annoying Taurus in adjacent cubicle does the unthinkable and takes a vacation. You take the opportunity to rearrange his file system, just for spite. What you’d be if you were an operating system: BSD 4.2 — you may be forgotten, but your accomplishments will live forever. You have just cause to be smug.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Jupiter cracks the whip: Monumental coding push makes your development group look like a geeky remake of “Night of The Living Dead.” Dogged persistence leads to the collapse of competitor’s price-point. What you’d be if you were an operating system: Solaris — though you began your career as a freedom fighter, you’ve become part of the problem: cynically industrial, charging for what you once gave away and creating pointless roadblocks in service of your own vanity. Expect to be overtaken.
Yesterday — and for my entire life — I was a Leo. Today I’m a Cancer. And I am anti-happy about it.
Some researchers at the Minnesota Planetarium Society took it onto themselves to double check the calculations that determine the signs of the Zodiac. Babylonian astronomers drafted the original Zodiac during the early first millenniua B.C. by determining the position of constellations along various spots of the ecliptic, the path of the sun, and dividing it into 12 sections — actually 13, see below. Your star sign is based on the position of the sun along the Zodiac on the day you were born.
Well, guess what, the Earth moved and wrecked everything! Over the past several thousands of years, the pull of the moon’s gravity has shifted the Earth by about a month, says Parke Kunkle, a board member at the society.
Like the cast list of the high school play your mom made you try out for, here’s your new part:
Capricorn: Jan. 20-Feb. 16.
Aquarius: Feb. 16-March 11.
Pisces: March 11-April 18.
Aries: April 18-May 13.
Taurus: May 13-June 21.
Gemini: June 21-July 20.
Cancer: July 20-Aug. 10.
Leo: Aug. 10-Sept. 16.
Virgo: Sept. 16-Oct. 30.
Libra: Oct. 30-Nov. 23.
Scorpio: Nov. 23-29.
Ophiuchus:* Nov. 29-Dec. 17.
Sagittarius: Dec. 17-Jan. 20.
* Discarded by the Babylonians because they wanted 12 signs per year.
If you need me, I’ll be feeling crabby or “tried and true” instead of my usual “masculine.”
UPDATE: It’s all fake! Sort of.
Professional astrology and author Matthew Currie contacted Salon to point out the fact that this kind of story is nothing new. Apparently, the Minnesota Planetarium Society is engaging in what Currie quickly called a “straw man argument” constructed to debunk the field of astrology.
Currie makes this basic distinction. Astrology is NOT astronomy and vice versa. The two fields diverged a long time ago and today, the very term “Zodiac” is used differently within each discipline. Currie explains the two meanings of the Zodiac:
The Zodiac, the twelve divisions of the sky made up of the horoscope signs, and the Zodiac, the band of constellations in the sky, are two different things. This is how a lot of skeptics of astrolgoy trick people to convince themselves and others that there’s nothing to astrology. But in reality, we’re talking about two different things.
So it might be safe to assume that the ASTRONOMERS in Minnesota recalibrated the Zodiac made up of the constellations while the ASTOLOGERS actually all agree on the twelve divisions.
Are you as relieved as I am?
Read more about astrology on Matthew Currie’s blog.
Even celestial bodies can be found wanting. The International Astronomical Union voted yesterday to shut Pluto out of the planets, the cliquish, newly eight-member group that took the petite wallflower under its wing in 1930. More than 70 years later, astronomers have rethought Pluto’s status, alleging that the now ex-planet is too much of a “dwarf” to travel in the same circle as giants like Jupiter and the lavishly bemooned Saturn. The new rules, established this week at the IAU meeting in Prague, define a planet as “a celestial body that is in orbit around the sun, has sufficient mass for its self-gravity to overcome rigid body forces so that it assumes a … nearly round shape, and has cleared the neighborhood around its orbit.” It’s this last test that Pluto fails, since its orbit overlaps with Neptune’s.
The IAU’s vote has rendered astronomy textbooks obsolete; seven decades’ worth of science projects are suddenly off the mark. But the consequences of this new classification don’t merely affect labs and classrooms, but stargazing astrologers the world over. Now that Pluto’s just a marginalized ball of ice, will our luck change for the better — or worse? Will the IAU’s decision redirect our love lives? To find out, Salon phoned Cheryl Lee Terry, who writes the “Planet Terry” horoscope column for Time Out New York.
How will Pluto’s demotion affect astrology?
It really doesn’t matter, because there are a lot of heavenly bodies floating around that we count in our equations. Astronomers give names to planets — we just consider them heavenly bodies that we interact with. If the astronomers want to say it’s not a planet, that’s great, but it’s not going to change Pluto’s influence. So we believe in Pluto. It’s really been active. This has been a pretty bad month, and Pluto has been one of the instigators.
So Pluto helped bring about its own demise?
There’s a bad aspect to Aug. 31 that comes around once every 48 years — let me look at my calendar. Oh, that’s Saturn. We’ve had some very bad asteroid hits in the past month. On the 17th, when the peace talks were happening, Pluto had a good meeting with the sun. But the war isn’t over. [Laughs] It doesn’t take an astrologer to figure that out.
It’s a new moon for me today. You’re the third phone call I’ve gotten that’s good for my career. Right now for you, there are a lot of financial concerns.
Actually, that’s true. My apartment was robbed on Tuesday.
Everything’s all about money now. In September, you’ll be feeling better about things. Security’s a big issue right now for all Cancers. If I were to tell you something — because you’re young — you want to let go of relationships small and big. Just relax your grip. How old are you?
I’m 25.
You’re going into your Saturn return. You’re coming into this huge change in your life. I don’t know if you’re leaving your job —
It’s my last day interning at Salon.
You’ve got a really hard year ahead of you, but in a good way. It will be big challenge. It’s really kind of exciting.
Wow, thanks. Getting back to Pluto, does the planet have a personality that you could describe?
He — we call Pluto a he — is manipulation. His personality is Machiavellian. Obsessions, compulsions, influence peddling. And the big one is transformation. When you get into a heavy Pluto stage, you’re transforming your life. Pluto when he’s bad is compulsive and obsessive. When he’s good, he’s there to transform you and push you along. He takes no prisoners. When he comes in contact with your sign, you either transform your life or learn a hard lesson.
Basically, they’re changing the label, and that doesn’t matter to me. Just like if you change your name, you’re still the same person. We love him too much — they can’t take Pluto away from us.
Stephen Hawking, author of “A Brief History of Time,” is Lucasian professor of mathematics at the University of Cambridge, and is widely regarded as one of the most brilliant theoretical physicists since Einstein.
Like many in the community of theoretical physicists, Professor Hawking is after the grail of science — the theory of everything that lies at the heart of the cosmos. He’s made attempts at uncovering its secrets — from supergravity to supersymmetry, from quantum theory to M-theory, from holography to duality, and now, at the very frontiers of science, superstring theory and p-branes. Hawking lets readers look behind the scenes as he seeks to “combine Einstein’s General Theory of Relativity and Richard Feynman’s idea of multiple histories into a complete unified theory that will describe everything that happens in the universe.”
With characteristic exuberance, Hawking invites his readers to be fellow travelers on his voyage through space-time. Listen to an excerpt from “The Universe in a Nutshell,” read by Simon Prebble.
This week, we contemplate a question from perhaps the sweetest guy on the planet. Evan isn’t worried about whether he’s compatible with his girlfriend. He knows he is. He just wants to make sure that, if the two of them get married, the pairing will be felicitous for his two very little girls, Ruby and Saskia. Evan writes, “I’m a single dad with two young daughters and I have been seeing a wonderful woman for the past year. Things seem well, but I’d like to get perspective on how the four of us work, especially with my feisty younger daughter, Saskia.” Every person in this prospective family has a different Chinese birth year, and a different Western Zodiac sign as well. Can the stars orchestrate this family circus into a successful act?
Evan: April 4, 1973, 4 p.m. Aries Water Ox, hour of Monkey.
Lily: Jan. 4, 1973, Capricorn Water Rat, hour unknown.
Ruby: July 2, 1995, 11 a.m., Cancer Wood Pig, hour of Horse (Snake cusp).
Saskia: Feb. 21, 1998, 1 a.m. Pisces (Aq cusp) Earth Tiger, hour of Ox (Rat cusp).
According to Chinese lore, the Ox, which you might think of as an unflashy kind of creature, managed to win second place in the Chinese year ranking, because he had such a good nature; he knew how important it was to be helpful to others. As the story goes, all the animals were summoned to Buddha to say goodbye as he prepared to lift off from Earth. The 12 animals that showed up to pay their respects earned a place on the astrological calendar according to the order in which they turned up. The Rat, who had been cleverest about rounding everyone up, made sure to be first by catching a ride in on the back of the dutiful, compliant Ox. The powerful, beautiful Tiger knew from respect; he was right behind them. Headstrong Horse only placed seventh, despite his speed, because he resented being told where to go. And the naughty Pig came in last, but did at least show up, which was worth something!
The Ox and the Rat have had a complex relationship ever since then; better as lovers though than as co-workers, because every now and then, an Ox in an office begins to wonder if his Rat colleague might be taking advantage of him in some way. But in a romantic relationship, they get along famously. The Ox is enchanted by the Rat’s sparkle, while the socially astute, family-building Rat enormously respects the Ox’s trustworthiness and perseverance. The Ox and Rat combination is a wonderful way to head a household. Evan has a really lucky combination; Ox grounds him, while his Monkey birth hour gives him poise, humor and shrewd business sense, and makes him more adaptable than some Oxen. (His Water year sign gives him another boost in adaptability.) Meanwhile, his Aries birth month gives him creativity, ambition and strong family sense. Aries natives thrive when they feel indispensable to a close network of relatives. I think that, in Evan’s case, Aries moodiness will be lightened by the Monkey wit and the Ox’s innate “let’s just get on with it” mentality.
Lily also has a well-balanced meld; her subtle, social, adept, quick-thinking, acquisitive Rat character is wedded to the pragmatic, thoughtful, Capricorn month; which means she is a woman who makes decisions for long-term, and never makes them lightly. She will not be flighty, she knows how to ride out difficulties, and Water Rat is especially gifted at sensing other people’s emotions, so she’ll be a great smoother-over of any difficulties.
Now, the girls! Evan gave their birth times as on the hour — 11 a.m. and 1 a.m. But he should check their birth certificates, and make sure that isn’t over-general, because those are both cusp times; 10:59 a.m. is the hour of the Snake, 11:01 a.m. is the hour of the Horse; whereas 12:59 a.m. is the hour of the Rat, and 1:01 a.m. is the hour of the Ox.
Assuming Ruby is in fact a Cancer Wood Pig, born in the hour of the Horse, she will be loyal to her family and eager to please. Pig is strongly compatible in the parent-child relation with both Rat and Ox. Ruby’s Cancer month makes her potentially quite sensitive and emotional, and the Cancer-Pig meld can produce greediness for pleasure and possessions, and problems with self-discipline. Still, I believe the fortunate Wood year birth reins in the Pig propensity to excess here, — besides granting her the gift of good judgment and unusual tact — so I think Ruby will be just fine. You might try to gently guide her to establish sensible limits for herself early on, just in case. Pigs are usually very popular and make friends easily, and Wood Pigs are especially generous and lovable. Ruby’s Cancer sun sign means she will be good at very many things, but will have a hard time figuring out what she cares most about, or wants to do with her life, in school and later work. On the whole, she’ll be a sunny child, quietly sociable, well-meaning and hardworking. Any bursts of excitability will probably come from her restless Horse-hour birth.
It’s funny that, as you sense, Saskia really is more of a wild card, at least as far as her moon sign is concerned. Tigers get along a wee bit better with Rats than with Oxen, but the relationship still takes work and communication. The most important thing for you and Lily to keep in mind is that Tiger does not respond well to criticism. They are so noble and charming that if they sense they are failing to please, they can’t believe it — it feels to them like a great injustice. So try to hold your tongues unless something really matters. However, if Saskia was born in the hour of the Ox, you lucked out; she will approve of you and respect you on a basic, unshakable level. Also, being an Ox-hour Tiger, she’ll probably feel free to tell you if she’s mad (Pisces may mute this effect; try to be observant), so any grievances are likely to get aired, rather than fester.
As a Tiger, Saskia might be more flamboyant and attention-seeking than the three of you; if so, try not to think that different is wrong. Still, as an Earth Tiger, the calmest and most realistic of the Tiger years, she should be fairly well-attuned to the rest of the family, and her Pisces sun sign will also help make her get along well with you and Lily — Ox and Rat. Pisces girls are the most inscrutable sign in the calendar; calm, feminine, perfectionist and socially astute, they try to blend in to their surroundings. While projecting feminine gentleness, and seeming to defer to their superiors and elders, they manage to subtly lay down rules for behavior that people in their families and peer groups can’t resist following.
More good news: Saskia and Ruby should get along very well; Pigs and Tigers quarrel a lot, but they have strong bonds and great affinity for each other, and will make each other laugh.
So relax — it looks like there won’t be strife in the Ark, or rather, none sent by the stars!
When somebody explains that a relationship has tanked due to lack of fighting, it takes a special subtlety to unravel what actually may have transpired. This week Amanda writes in to ponder the “Girl-Girl gray zone” that exists between her and Jasmine, and to ask if the stars will cooperate in nudging them back into the hot zone. For four years, she and Jasmine had the perfect relationship, she writes, marred only by “too little fighting” and some of the “Dharma and Greg” effect. “Full of laughing and loving, our relationship served as a touchstone for both of us. It almost seemed like we hit the lotto in finding each other.”
And yet, she wavers, “We never quite jumped in with both feet, and though we’re compatible in many, many respects, I’m still a little bit of a wild child with self-destructive tendencies, and Jasmine plays grown-up too much and sinks into bouts of passive-aggressiveness.” They both want to date others, but don’t want the affair to end — a proposition known as having your cake and eating it, too. “Should we gently put our relationship in the over-and-done-with stack,” Amanda asks, or “should we get into a counselor’s office now so as not to risk losing a lifelong love to the cauterizing barriers we will build without each other?”
Amanda: Dec. 29, 1969, noon hour. Capricorn Earth Rooster, hour of the Horse.
Jasmine: May 15, 1974, 9:02 a.m. Taurus Air Tiger, hour of the Snake.
If Jasmine, a well-rounded Taurus Tiger, knew how analytically and soberly Amanda, a conscientious Cap Rooster, regards their breakup, she would be mystified. The Rooster and the Tiger are not exactly compatible, not exactly incompatible; they both see the world through different windows. The Tiger looks out, takes in the whole terrain, assumes its hers for the taking, and wonders how she can best enjoy and use it; the Rooster looks out, notices the potholes, the fallen trees, the things that need fixing, and the troubling intruders and worries about how best to bring everything and everyone on the property into line. If the Tiger jumps into the landscape, the Rooster will think the Tiger also needs to be brought into line, but the Tiger will resist curtailments of its freedom. In short, the Rooster has control issues, the Tiger has “being controlled” issues.
As an Earth Rooster, Amanda does not shy away from difficult truths. She wants to get to the bottom of everything, and she never does a job halfway. If she is Rooster-like, she will tell people what she thinks needs fixing; if she is Hen-like, she will be much more tactful and quiet, but will know how to make her approval or disapproval felt. Her Capricorn Western sign reinforces her tendency toward duty, order and the success and public esteem that come from consistent hard work. Luckily, Amanda has been splashed with Horse by her birth hour, which puts some Technicolor in Kansas. Her strong, pragmatic character will be punctuated by bursts of intuition, caprice and emotionality. Nonetheless, the Earth Rooster-Cap blend produces a little more reality than the average pleasure-loving, praise-seeking Air Tiger can really bear; and the vivacious Horse hour, in addition to rounding out Amanda’s character, also gives her the wit to make really astute, painful criticisms. Here, it’s worth adding, Air Tiger’s self-serving nature can wound the Rooster; and if Amanda has lashed out at Jasmine verbally, she has probably had reason. Since Amanda says the couple has not fought much, it may be that Amanda has bottled up her anger, not wishing to estrange her captivating Tiger. Tigers can be sadistic, and Roosters need to make sure that in humoring their Tigers, they’re not mistaking masochism for patience — and letting themselves get plucked.
It is probably Jasmine’s Taurus sun sign that fuels this couple’s attraction. The reliable Taurus is an earth sign (like Capricorn) and helps ground Jasmine’s volatile Air Tiger moon sign. The Tiger year gives great charm, humor, popularity, intellect, strength and ability, but it does not give a firm work ethic, or a very solid notion of honor and commitment. Air Tigers can work hard, as other Tigers do, but they prefer to be more opportunistic — to get results from working not so very hard — and their moral choices tend to be based on expedience and personal benefit. Calling them on this will make them angry; to remain friends with a Tiger, you must continue admiring the Tiger. Tigers will not stay long with a nonfan. Also, Tigers ultimately like to be the boss in their relationship, which is hard for Roosters, who are equally prideful, to swallow. However, the blending of the conservative, traditional, fair-minded, dutiful Taurus with Tiger creates a nicely balanced personality. The Tiger charm will be wedded to the Bull’s greater sense of honor and mission. The Taurus deliberateness and rigidity will be lightened and broadened by the Tiger joie de vivre and creativity. In a couple of years, Jasmine’s Snake hour birth will assert itself more, calming her Tiger agitation and putting her more in tune with Amanda’s outlook. But can they ride out the wait?
Amanda and Jasmine’s Taurus and Capricorn earth signs attract them to each other, but their Moon signs bedevil them with Big Picture conflicts. Taurus Tiger likes to live in the moment and not over-analyze that moment; Capricorn Rooster likes to think long-term and evaluate the moment ad infinitum. Oxen (1973) and Snakes (1965 or 1977) warm to the Rooster approach, Tigers don’t, quite. Tigers tend to prefer the more impetuous signs, such as Dogs (1970) and Horses (1978).
Because both Amanda and Jasmine have very self-sufficient melds, they are each so complete in themselves that it may be hard for them to hook up with others; they are like two marbles, not like two puzzle pieces, they are non-interlocking players. If they choose to draw others into the game, they might try seeking partners who also have well-rounded melds but who have a birth year that is more compatible with theirs (as described above). Still, there’s no reason for Amanda and Jasmine to shoot each other out of the circle while they wait for the other marbles to turn up — as long as they can play nice.
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How to write to Love Collision
Parke Kunkle, the scientist behind the new zodiac rumors, teaches astronomy at Minneapolis Community and Technical College. 
