Moby Dong?

Everybody's a winner: "Knob Touch" party game has nothin' to do with doors; You gotta serve somebody, says Mr. Janet Jackson. Plus: Is nothing sacred? Here come the Reagan love letters.

Topics: Celebrity, Ronald Reagan,

I’ve heard of rubbing elbows with the stars — even shoulders — but rubbing your freely dangling schlong against the unsuspecting likes of Dennis Rodman, Winona Ryder, Drew Barrymore, Kate Moss and Madonna? Well, that’s just sick.

Moby apparently doesn’t think so. He thinks it’s fun. Big-time fun. In fact, he thinks it’s “the funniest thing in the world.”

It’s all part of a little game the techno-music master and his buddies have perfected, called “Knob Touch.”

“If you’re at a big celebrity party, with two or three friends, you take your penises out of your pants and just walk around. No one will notice, ’cause it’s really crowded,” Moby explains in the upcoming issue of Britain’s Q magazine. “You see how many celebrities you can touch with your penis.”

Is it, er, hard? Not at all, he says. “You just have to walk up and brush them. It’s nothing really. I’ve never been caught.”

Alert the paparazzi!

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Royally experienced

“There’s nothing too risqui for the royal family. They’ve seen it all.”

Emma Thompson, at the royal gala opening of “Maybe Baby” (about in vitro fertilization treatment), dismissing the suggestion that Prince Charles might find the film a tad too explicit.

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Hello, I must be going …

Announcing your divorce before acknowledging your wedding has to be some kinda serious breach of etiquette. But Janet Jackson is apparently not a Miss Manners devotee.

Jackson’s husband, Rene Elizondo, served the singer with divorce papers Wednesday — citing “irreconcilable differences.” Despite years of repeated and vehement denials that their love thing was a legal thing, the two now admit they were, in fact, wed by a priest at their San Diego country home back in March 1991. Janet’s mom was the only Jackson in attendance.

“We didn’t elope,” Elizondo, author of more than 30 of his wife’s songs and director of many of her videos, told USA Today, explaining that the two agreed to keep their marriage a secret because they thought their marriage had a better chance of surviving.

“Some of the public figures that announce their marriage seem to dissolve quickly,” he said, confessing that, despite their precautions, the couple had become “more business and creative partners than lovers.” They agreed to the split in a phone call, he revealed, and he is seeing someone else.

So how’s the Nasty Girl herself taking the news? “It pains me greatly that, despite my sincere efforts, my marriage to Rene did not work out,” she told the BBC.

So sad. But really, what had he done for her lately?

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The filth, the fury and the poets

“Wordsworth and Coleridge were the punks of their time.”

– Actress Samantha Morton, of “Sweet and Lowdown” fame, on what she learned from filming a movie about the two poets, which was directed by Sex Pistols documentarian Julien Temple.

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Juicy bits

Looks like commitment-phobic bachelors have a new spokesman: Bill Maher. He claims he’s “too busy drinking and whoring” for a committed relationship. “Single people are one of the last groups that get lost in the special interest shuffle,” Maher tells Us Weekly. “In this country, kids are the most important thing. Somebody wants to take time off to take care of their kid, that’s sacrosanct. If I want to take care of my hangover, that’s a problem.” Talk about politically incorrect …

Forget man vs. machine. It’ll be man vs. rock star when world chess champ Garry Kasparov takes on Sting (and three band members) in an exhibition match at New York’s Times Square in late June. “This is part of our attempt to bring chess to a broader audience,” a spokeswoman said. Stay tuned for Sting’s heartfelt rendition of “Can’t Stand Losing [to] You.”

Who will play JFK Jr. in the upcoming Fox biopic? The rumor mill’s churning out names including Freddie Prinze Jr., Joshua Jackson and Ed Burns (who recently tried to buy the late John-John’s downtown loft). Too bad Ted Danson’s so old — he has the hairpiece for the role …

Who wants to read Ronald Reagan’s love letters to Nancy? Not me. But the former first lady firmly believes there’s a market for Ronnie’s amorous jottings. She’s publishing “I Love You, Ronnie: The Letters of Ronald Reagan to Nancy Reagan” — which include epistles from the couple’s courtship in the early 1950s until 1994, when the former prez was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s — through Random House in September.

Evidence that, this time, Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee’s relationship is really over for good? Exhibit A: She has admitted that it was, in fact, she who turned him in for breaking his parole, which demands abstinence from alcohol and drugs, for sharing a glass of champagne with him on New Year’s Eve. Exhibit B: The New York Daily News is reporting that Pammy’s dating a Swedish male model named Marcus Schenkenberg (who shares her passion for animals) — and that she’s dropped “Lee” from her name yet again. Poor Tommy — shed like yesterday’s breast implants …

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