Being married has its upside for sure. I love sleeping next to a warm body. But man, some days, it’s hard to get my nut. She’s on her work schedule. I’m on mine. We don’t see each other awake. Or we have a night together but the bills have just come in, so we’ve been nagging each other for hours. We can light as many scented candles as we want — we’re still tense.
So to make a long story short, I get up in the morning and my balls are so blue I almost can’t walk. And she’s sleeping and I want to just slip it into her right there and not even wake her. But let’s face it, that’s not going to happen. So I do what I have to do. Get in that shower, soap it up and pound it. Pound it fast and pound it sure. Get that release. Squeeze those little critters out of my third leg and onto the wall. If you catch my drift. It’s like blowing my nose, or like getting an enema. I mean it’s something I have to do in the morning, or I’m no good at work all day. It’s a health thing.
Eric Bogosian is an actor and writer. His solo shows include "Sex, Drugs, Rock & Roll" and "Wake Up and Smell the Coffee." His novel "Mall" will be published by Simon & Schuster in November.More Eric Bogosian.