I came and she went.
Three a.m. I’m shacked up at this truck stop-motel thing outside Columbus, Ohio. I’m already drunk. Been drinking shots of Jim Beam and chasing ‘em with ice water. Really sad shit, drinking out of the free plastic cup that comes with the room. Anyway, the walls were starting to close in on me, so I leave the room and wander over to the bar.
Place is dark and empty. They’re getting ready to close and there’s a woman at the bar, long blond-y kind of hair, I can’t see her face. I order a whiskey and slide in next to her. In the shadows I still can’t see her face, who cares. By the very fact that I’m sitting next to her at 3 a.m., it is understood by both of us that I am picking her up. We don’t even have to talk. We just drink the hooch, sitting next to each other. I pull out my smokes, she has one. That’s the extent of the courtship. Fuck it. It’s 3:05 in the morning. I still haven’t looked at her, I just say out of the side of my mouth: “Let’s go.” So we do. I get out my key with the diamond-shaped red plastic tag and shuffle over to my cubicle and fumble it open. As I go through the door, I can feel her shadowing me. In the dark, still no talking, we start groping and jostling, clothes kind of getting pulled off and saliva around the edges of our lips and grunting and we’re stumbling around because we’re both so drunk we can’t stand up straight. I’m so numb I can’t smell her breath or taste her. I’m thinking, I don’t care what she looks like, let’s get it over with and crash. So I grope my way into the bathroom to piss. Lunge into the wall, my face scrunched into the icy ceramic tile, pissing straight down into the bowl. One of those pisses where you black out while you’re pissing. I come out of it and I haven’t closed the door and the light is falling out of the doorway onto the bed. She’s nude, lying there on the bed and she looks different somehow. Softer. I focus on getting my clothes off, almost barfing on my shoes as I hold myself steady at the end of the bed and for the first time I see that she’s old. Real old. Like 80 at least. I thought she felt kind of bony and shaky back there. I thought she was just out of shape. Not only is she old, but she’s turned on. She’s up for this. And I’m standing there, looking down on her balding pubic mound, fuck it. And I start to pull on my dick. Figure I’ll just jerk off or something. Maybe I’ll actually fuck her, a new experience. But as my dick grows harder (believe it or not) her eyes grow bigger. It’s like she hasn’t see a hard-on for the last quarter century. And she starts breathing real hard. She gets really turned on. She’s rubbing herself staring at my dick. And I’m talking to myself, “Get me out of here, God. Please. I’ll never do anything bad again, just get me out of this. I really don’t want to have sex with grandma.” And just at that moment, for some reason, I start to come. Long ropy spurts, all over her and she sees what’s happening and starts to fidget more frantically, like some kind of Saint Vitus’ dance and this orgasm or something tears through her and then she stops moving. I’m barely standing. But then I look up and see that she’s completely immobile. And I think, oh great, she’s dead, I came and she went. I wiped myself off, then I checked her pulse. And she was dead. And I was so out of it, I passed out next to her. In the morning, I woke up, and she was all stiff. I felt like someone had taken an electric can opener and was cutting my brain up with it. I left.
Needless to say, I don’t pick up people in bars anymore.
Eric Bogosian is an actor and writer. His solo shows include "Sex, Drugs, Rock & Roll" and "Wake Up and Smell the Coffee." His novel "Mall" will be published by Simon & Schuster in November. More Eric Bogosian.
More Related Stories
- My text blew up in my face
- Boy Scouts end ban on openly gay boys
- Mississippi could begin prosecuting women for miscarriages
- Teenage girl claims she was beaten up for looking like Taylor Swift
- Billionaire hedge funder: Babies, breast-feeding "kill" focus, keep women from succeeding
- "Bookless library" set to open in Texas
- Man arrested for sending Craigslist sex party to neighbor's house
- Greek yogurt, toxic waste hazard?
- Glenn Beck: CNN interview with atheist tornado survivor was a setup!
- Incoming BBC news director on journalism gender gap: "We can do better"
- Illegal construction, shoddy materials at fault in Bangladesh factory disaster
- Pope Francis: Atheists are all right!
- Lawsuit alleges anti-gay hiring practices at ExxonMobil
- Boy Scouts poised to vote, still greatly divided on gay youth
- Is recreational pot use safe?
- How I ended up in a pyramid scheme
- My bipolar partner beat me
- Teenagers care more about online privacy than you think
- Radio host tweets rape joke, blames journalists for reporting on it
- El Salvador court delays ruling on abortion case while woman's life hangs in the balance
- Kicked out of the mall -- for an anti-cancer hat
Featured Slide Shows
The week in 10 picsclose X
- 1 of 11
Lisa Montgomery embraces her nephew Thursday after a tornado tore apart her home in Cleburne, Texas. The twister killed six people and destroyed entire swaths of the North Texas town.
Credit: AP/LM Otero
Jack McMahon, the defense attorney for abortion doctor Kermit Gosnell, speaks outside the Criminal Justice Center in Philadelphia Tuesday. His client was convicted of killing three babies in his clinic, and will serve multiple life sentences.
Credit: AP/Matt Rourke
A photo taken Monday captures Vice President Joe Biden's response to a Milwaukee second-grader's innovative proposal to end America's epidemic of gun violence. This guy!
Credit: AP/Jenny Aicher
Sen. Rand Paul, R-Ky., flanked by a grouper-eyed Michele Bachmann, addresses the IRS' admission that it targeted Tea Party groups in advance of the 2012 election. In an op-ed for CNN Thursday, the Kentucky senator slammed the president for his faux outrage.
Credit: AP/Molly Riley
Ousted IRS chief Steven Miller is sworn in on Capitol Hill Friday. Miller testified before the House Ways and Means Committee on the extra scrutiny the agency gave conservative groups applying for tax-exempt status.
Credit: AP/J. Scott Applewhite
Attorney General Eric Holder pauses as he testifies on Capitol Hill before the House Judiciary Committee Wednesday. Holder is under fire, among other things, for the Justice Department's gathering of phone records at the Associated Press.
Credit: AP/Carolyn Kaster
O.J. Simpson sits during an evidentiary hearing at Clark County District Court in Las Vegas, Nev., Thursday. Simpson, who is currently serving a nine-to-33-year sentence in state prison for armed robbery and kidnapping, is using a writ of habeas corpus to seek a new trial.
Credit: AP/Las Vegas Review-Journal/Jeff Scheid
Major Tom to ground control: On Sunday astronaut Chris Hadfield recorded the first music video from space, a cover of David Bowie's "Space Oddity."
Credit: AP/NASA/Chris Hadfield
When it rains it pours. President Barack Obama speaks during a news conference Thursday with Turkish Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan, inexplicably inspiring an #umbrellagate Twitter meme.
Credit: AP/Jacquelyn Martin
A smoke plume rises high above a road block at the intersection of County A and Ross Road east of Solon Springs, Wis., Tuesday. No injuries were reported, but the the wildfire caused evacuations across northwestern Wisconsin.
Credit: AP/The Duluth News-Tribune/Clint Austin
Recent Slide Shows
- 1 of 11