Gary Kaufman
Searching for the real killers
O.J. Simpson smiles creepily on his comeback TV tour, hoping to win back our hearts -- and pin a little guilt on his NBC hosts.
I have $50.31 on me right now and I’m willing to put it up as a reward to find the “real killers” of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman.
O.J. Simpson went on the “Today” show Tuesday to hype his Internet appearance Thursday at AskOJ.com, where, for $9.95, he’ll answer any question from the public, as long as it’s not about his kids.
Simpson said he’s asked the sponsoring company to donate his profits to three charities. But “Today” host Katie Couric said those charities — including the Innocence Project (which uses DNA evidence to spring the wrongly convicted) and a summer camp for kids with cancer that Simpson helped found — were reluctant to accept the donations. That’s OK, Simpson shrugged, if they don’t want it, some charity will be happy to take it.
Simpson’s line is that the American people just haven’t heard his story, and that when we do, we’ll believe he’s innocent. But who doesn’t know O.J.’s version of events? That he was framed by the Los Angeles Police Department and various friends of Nicole, especially Faye Resnick, who lied at his trial, and that his wife and Goldman were killed by denizens of the shadowy, drug-infested nightlife world he says they inhabited.
Why anyone would pay $9.95 to hear him repeat this stuff is beyond me. They could contribute it to my reward fund instead.
Couric read from Simpson’s famous post-verdict statement: “When things have settled down a bit I will pursue as my primary goal in life the killer or killers who slaughtered Nicole and Mr. Goldman. They are out there somewhere. Whatever it takes to identify them and bring them in, I will provide somehow.” She asked him with a straight face but barely masked hostility how the search was going.
The years have gone by and not a single clue has turned up, despite Simpson’s no-doubt constant search for the — is that them over there?! — real killers. He told Couric that some new information came in just last week, but he couldn’t discuss it.
When Couric suggested that most Americans think his supposed search for the real killers is a joke, Simpson made a Freudian slip. That’s why we watch him now, isn’t it? We’re waiting for him to mess up, to accidentally admit that he did it, or just to break down, “Perry Mason” style, and tearfully shriek a confession.
“If you think I’m innoc … guilty,” he said, “why isn’t NBC, you, putting up a reward? You would like to find who did this if I didn’t do it, wouldn’t you? You have more money than I.” He delivered his response in that calm, sleepy-eyed, half-smiling manner he’s developed since his trial, which has turned him into a truly creepy guy, guilty or no. “Why wouldn’t you want to donate something to a reward to find these killers? And if you think I did it, you’ll never lose your money. You can’t lose a dime.”
Here’s what I think: I think O.J.’s canned answer is insultingly glib. NBC is not in the law enforcement business, and its unwillingness to put up reward money to find mythical “real killers” proves nothing. (Although its willingness to have him on the “Today” show proves the network is not above using Simpson’s shock value to juice its ratings.) I think a guy who didn’t do it wouldn’t say things like “You would like to find who did this if I didn’t do it, wouldn’t you?” I think NBC did find the real killer, when it booked O.J. Simpson to sit in that big armchair and talk to Katie Couric.
I also think O.J.’s a pretty smart guy, and I think he knows what he’s doing. He knows that television is the magic elixir, the great American “everything’s OK” machine. He knows there’s a reasonable chance that if he puts his face on television every once in a while — not too often — people will slowly but surely come to like him again, to feel like they know him and understand him, maybe even, eventually, love him. Maybe, little by little, he’ll go from being that guy who whacked his ex-wife and got away with it to being that serious, earnest, gracefully aging but still handsome fellow with the pained expression, the one who always has to defend himself against people who just won’t let the past die. He’s on TV. He seems so nice. Let’s get his autograph.
And somehow the real killers will escape capture. I just know it. Those bums.
At least my $50.31 is safe.
Last call for the Hall
Readers have their say about which players should make it to Cooperstown. Last of three parts.
Over the past two days I’ve talked about which position players and pitchers ought to make the Hall of Fame. Now it’s your turn.
The e-mails have been pouring in, and some major themes have emerged, aside from the usual major theme of questioning my intelligence, parentage and mental state.
One theme is that I’ve misjudged the criteria for induction into the Hall of Fame, that it’s easier than I think, and some of the guys I’m saying won’t make it actually will. This is not so much misjudgment as poor writing on my part: I didn’t make it clear that I haven’t been trying to predict who will make it; I’ve been talking about who I think should make it. The world according to me.
Continue Reading CloseHall of Fame hurlers
After Clemens and Maddux, which active pitchers are on their way to Cooperstown?
Monday we talked about which active position players were likely to make the Hall of Fame. Today we consider pitchers, who are a little tougher to judge. Especially relief pitchers.
Baseball showers honors on relief pitchers who rack up a lot of saves — a statistic that borders on the meaningless. How many times have you watched a “setup man” pitch out of a bases-loaded jam with a two-run lead in the eighth, only to have the “closer” come in and set down the side in the ninth to collect the save?
Continue Reading CloseWho’s going to Cooperstown?
Considering the definitelys, the probables and those intriguing maybes.
Carlton Fisk and Tony Perez were the recently retired players inducted into the Hall of Fame Sunday, which is as good a reason as any to consider which current players are headed to Cooperstown. (Note for you cub reporters: That’s what we call a news peg.)
Today we’ll consider position players. Baseball’s offensive explosion, which began in 1993 and really went nuts in 1998, may force the voters (baseball writers) to reconsider the “magic numbers” for inclusion. Traditionally, collect 3,000 hits, 400 home runs or 1,500 RBIs and, with a few exceptions, you’re in. Will that still be true when players who have spent most or all of their careers in the current rabbit-ball era start to become eligible?
Continue Reading CloseDropped like a chalupa
The Taco Bell Chihuahua talks about his sudden, shocking dismissal and considers his showbiz future.
The Taco Bell Chihuahua sits slumped over a picnic table at a Doggie Diner in this Los Angeles suburb with the misleadingly glamorous name. He’s wearing dark glasses and chain-smoking Dunhills.
“I fucking knew it, man,” he says, stubbing out a barely started cigarette on the tabletop and adding it to a rapidly growing collection under his seat. “Everything’s always ‘Cool, beautiful, man, we love your work,’ but I always knew deep down that I was just a dog to them.”
Continue Reading CloseShocking allegation
It seems that Don King may have acted improperly.
You’re just not going to believe this: Don King may be facing another investigation.
The New York Post is reporting that the state of New York will look into whether the electric-haired boxing promoter illegally lobbied Democratic assemblymen to vote against a gambling bill that would have blocked a new Indian-owned casino in the Catskills.
New York state law requires that those who do more than $2,000 worth of lobbying be registered with the state Lobbying Commission, which records show King was not. Several members of the Assembly told the Post they’d received calls from King urging them to vote against the bill, although Assemblyman Herman “Denny” Farrell of Manhattan, the head of the Ways and Means Committee, admitted, “I was very confused as to what side he was on.” If you’ve ever heard King speak, you know what he means.
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