Burgers! Breasts! Hand puppets! Hooray! There may be hope yet to save this year’s presidential election from extreme boredom. Andrij Witiuk, acting managing editor of Maxim magazine (the beer and boobs bible for men who scratch their balls and think fart jokes are funny) announced his independent bid for the presidency Thursday at the Manhattan White Castle Burger shop. In a publicity stunt juicier than anything even The Donald could drum up, Witiuk burst into the shop to the strains of Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’” trailed by six “security chicks” — Robert Palmer-esque women with pulled-back hair and pouty lips sporting star-spangled bikinis, sunglasses and earpieces to shouts of “Dirty girl!” and “Show us your platform!” Puzzled-looking employees passed out Slyders and plastic hand puppets (hijacked from a local McDonald’s and covered with Witiuk stickers because the campaign couldn’t afford its own) to a soggy crowd in what can only be described as a gleeful white-trash extravaganza.
Witiuk, who truly is the managing editor of Maxim, said he decided to run because he’s “bored with the election” just like the rest of us. Witiuk (pronounced “Witch-chuck”) read most of his campaign speech off the palm of his left hand; when he was stumped for answers, his campaign flacks told him what to say via an earpiece. Witiuk says he’s “just a schmo like you” who’s sick of all “the fat cybermillionaires who snort all the dough.”
“Time to face reality,” he bellowed. “Your elected officials have been rolling and smoking your hard-earned cash, folks. I, for one, say ‘Screw this!’ Where are our fireworks, our donkey shows, our great Ferrari giveaways?” And why him and not, say, a hapless intern for prez? “I called shotgun, so back off!” Witiuk’s campaign slogan is “Why Not Me?” His platform mantra: “It’s All Good.”
If elected, he promises to eliminate taxes on gasoline, cigarettes and liquor “in favor of a prohibitive new 20,000 percent tariff on cat food.” He also pledged a $500 tax deduction every time a guy met a girl’s parents, and vowed that boy bands like the Backstreet Boys and 98 Degrees will be castrated Vatican-style as a pay-per-view event.
In a concession to the anti-globalization protests of late, Witiuk proposed that the United Nations be disbanded, though he did suggest transferring its governing powers to the International House of Pancakes. He also suggested a constitutional amendment to make it illegal for women to try on more than one pair of shoes per mall visit, and outlawing bikinis larger than a size 10.
Witiuk did not announce his running mate — the folks at Maxim will reveal that in their September issue — but they promised it would be an “appropriate match.” Hmmm, a large-breasted woman in a bikini? Witiuk will be making trouble, err, making appearances at the Republican and Democratic national conventions, according to his campaign manager (and Maxim associate editor) Charles Coxe. Witiuk and Coxe are trying to encourage Maxim readers to put Witiuk on the ballot. With a 1.6 million circulation, you never know what your readers can do for you. After all, that’s more than twice the readership of Forbes magazine.