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These guys are happy because their little brains literally can't grasp the concept of global warming.
ARIES (March 21-April 19): In her analysis of George W. Bush’s horoscope, astrologer Erin Sullivan warns that the presidential hopeful “is dangerously easily deceived and capable himself of deception.” Why? “His core life-force is not grounded in tangibles,” Sullivan asserts, “but in theoretical potentials, and thus he can succumb to inflated self-importance. Conversely, he could lay his trust in aides who enact his dark side for him, and he would not know this until too late.” Having studied Bush’s chart myself, I concur with this assessment. Closer to home, Aries, I worry that you’re temporarily susceptible to the same weaknesses Bush is permanently hobbled by. Here’s a powerful antidote: As you dive ever deeper into your life’s big mysteries, stay in intimate contact with your dark side. That way it’ll never sneak up from behind and bite you in the ass.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): You probably think you won’t get any taller than you are now. But if there’s ever a time in your adult life when you’re goimg to add a half-inch or more to your height, it is in the coming weeks. “Growth spurt” is too mild a term to use in describing the explosive blooming that’s breaking out in you. At the very least, I expect your fingernails, toenails, hair and brain cells to sprout at a rate far exceeding your norm. (Wouldn’t it be amazing if your breasts or penis burgeoned as well?) Don’t be surprised if you wake up in the middle of the night totally turned on, fresh from a dream of making love in a tulip garden overrun with rabbits.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): This Halloween, I devised a Siamese-twin costume for myself. I was hip-hop performer Eminem joined at the hip with presidential candidate Bush. In other words, I impersonated the two mischief-makers whose influence I am most appalled by. It was my attempt to better understand my enemies and diminish the stranglehold they’ve had on my imagination. The masquerade season is over, Gemini, so you can’t borrow my approach in dealing with your own adversaries. But I suggest you dream up an equally creative way to accomplish the same goal.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): My horoscope has eerie resemblances to that of would-be king Bush. We both have Sun in Cancer, Moon and Neptune in Libra, Jupiter trine Uranus and Sun square Neptune. I have to say, though, that there are few people on the planet with whom I feel less resonance. My values are the opposite of his! So does this mean astrology is a crock? Or that I possess nasty qualities I attribute to Bush, but am in denial about it? I prefer to believe that in my many years of writing this column, I’ve learned to empathize deeply with all the signs. This in turn inspires me to escape the confinements of my karmic blueprint and take on qualities from the entire range of zodiacal influences. It so happens, my fellow Crab, that this is a perfect astrological time for you to try this trick at home. I dare you to read and heed all 12 horoscopes.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): The current planetary rhythms are conducive to any efforts you make to deepen your roots or bolster your foundations or reinvigorate traditions that have nourished you. On the other hand, the heavenly bodies also seem to be in favor of you and your buddies flinging slices of pizza like Frisbees across the living room and staging contests to see who can jump off the couch the farthest and staying up all night giving one another past-life readings. I know these two sets of advice might at first seem contradictory, but I assure you they’re not.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Pop quiz! 1) Might there be a chance in hell of you drumming up some help in improving your ability to communicate? 2) Can you picture yourself picking up the phone and calling someone you swore you’d never call until hell froze over? 3) Would you consider summoning the chutzpah to speak your mind about subjects you’ve been told to shut the hell up about? Correct answers: 1) Hell, yes. 2) Hell, yes. 3) Hell, yes.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Most biologists say that human beings are causing the largest mass extinction of life on Earth since the demise of the dinosaurs. I am not making this up, as humorist Dave Barry might say. This is the tragic conclusion of a poll of the American Institute of Biological Sciences, a professional society of 5,000 scientists. I don’t need any other reason to vote for Al Gore. He’s no environmental saint, but he’ll most certainly work harder to staunch the killing than Bush. Forgive me if it seems I’m hijacking your horoscope to make a bald political statement, but here’s my rationale: The time is right for you to meditate on the impact that mass extinction will have on your personal life during the next 30 years — and what you should do about it. For lots more info, click here.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): I confess I’m more allergic to Bush than I’m attracted to Gore. Bush’s welfare for the rich and pathological apathy about the environment scare the breath out of me, while Gore’s modest visions for improving education and redistributing wealth stir only mild enthusiasm. When I vote for Gore, I’ll feel ashamed to be feeding primarily on negative motivations. Please, Scorpio, avoid following my example (unless you’re an American voter with similar feelings about Bush, in which case I urge you to be like me in that one way). As much as possible, find a way to be moved by joy, not anger; by excitement, not revenge or disgust; by love of beauty, not revulsion for ugliness.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): I’m a big fan of the philosophy summed up by the adage “Follow your bliss.” All my oracles are grounded in my longing for you to figure out what you love to do and then make it the centerpiece of your life. Yet now and then circumstances demand that I make exceptions to this rule. For instance, in this presidential election, my heart is with Ralph Nader, but my fear of Bush’s plutocratic, ecocidal sweet talk compels me to vote for Gore. Here’s another example: The best way to nurture your long-term dreams at this particular moment is to force yourself to do the very things that are most difficult for you to do.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Life may be like a Britney Spears rock video this week — sexy in a mechanical kind of way. This is especially likely if you’ve been treating yourself like a machine. The natural overcompensation for robotic overwork, you see, is robotic hedonism. On the other hand, if you’ve been respecting your own limits and holding your own hand, life may well be like an Anaïs Nin diary — sexy in a moist, intricate, smart kind of way.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Journalism professor Todd Gitlin spoke for me as he assessed Bush’s performance in the last presidential debate. “There are a substantial number of Americans who want their president stupid,” Gitlin wrote in Salon Oct. 24. “If there are enough of those people, then Bush won this debate by losing it, by demonstrating his hapless incompetence and almost daffy incapacity.” I’d add that Bush’s ascendancy to prominence is but one symptom of a culture-wide hunger for mediocrity. Too many of us feel safe and comfortable when surrounded by people who don’t challenge us. Fortunately for you Aquarians, however, it’s a perfect time to weed out bush-league influences. The cosmos is conspiring to help you bring more excellence and feisty inspiration into your life.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): What do Socrates, Laotzu, Buddha, Christ and you all have in common? Like them, you’re now blessed with an unsettling talent for asking questions no one else has the nerve to. Like you, they probably wouldn’t have been afraid to don a giant lobster suit if it would have helped them prove a point about principled behavior. Like you, they could have been named Sexiest Thinker Alive. And finally, Pisces, there’s no doubt what decision you and they would make if pushed to choose between just following tradition and fighting for a beautiful truth.
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For more U.S. election coverage, come to freewillastrology.com.
Rob Brezsny's weekly astrology column appears on Salon as well as on his own Web site and in print publications worldwide. Brezsny's novel, "The Televisionary Oracle," was released earlier this year. He lives near San Francisco.More Rob Brezsny.