Charlie Varon

Deep beauty is only skin.
(Beauty is only skin deep.)
— Doug Gordon

“Well, I think if you say you’re going to do something and don’t do it, that’s trustworthiness.”
(“Well, I think if you say you’re going to do something and don’t do it, that’s trustworthiness.” — George W. Bush, CNN online chat, Aug. 30, 2000)
— Dave Romm

Something that he disagreed with ate him.
(He ate something that disagreed with him.)
— David Bedno

And give a fish a man for to teach, and fish eats — eats a man a day for a lifetime! He-he!
(Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day; teach a man to fish, and he eats for a lifetime.)
— Keith Ammann

“For the American people, I need to have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky. To lie back and go to work. A single time — not! I never told anybody these allegations are false, never! I did not!”
(“I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky. I never told anybody to lie, not a single time — never. These allegations are false. And I need to go back to work for the American people.” — President Clinton, Jan. 26, 1998)
— Mark F. Schwartz

Seldom free or thoughtful, thought is free.
(Free thought is seldom free, or thoughtful.)
— D. Dwayne Edwards

Is truth something, a feeling that nothing is true?
(Truth is nothing but a feeling that something is true.)
— Amy Scheck

Crying milk spilled over no use.
(No use crying over spilled milk.)
— Judy Richardson

Never having to say “love” means you’re sorry.
(Love means never having to say you’re sorry.)
— Randall Braaksma

I sees ‘em as I calls ‘em.
(I calls ‘em as I sees ‘em.)
— Stuart Thiel

To the good men, “Come now!” For their aid is to party all of the time.
(Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their party.)
— Christopher J. Lackner

To mind a terrible thing is a waste.
(A mind is a terrible thing to waste.)
— Maureen Cozine

Thanks for taking our challenge. Look for another one in the new year!

EXAMPLE

When the Romans, like, do Rome in.
(When in Rome, do like the Romans.)

RULES

Send your submissions via e-mail only to salon21st@salon.com. Please include your full name and an accurate e-mail address so we can contact you if you’re a winner. By submitting your entry, you give Salon Technology permission to publish, edit and reuse it. Deadline for entries is Dec. 8, 2000.

PRIZES

The winning response will receive a copy of Salon Technology editor Andrew Leonard’s book, “Bots: The Origin of New Species.”

In two weeks we’ll publish a winner and some selected entries — then start over a couple weeks after that with a whole new challenge.

THE WINNER

PDA: Public Display of Affluence
— Keith Amman

HONORABLE MENTIONS

CRT: Cheap Radiation Therapy
— Mark Q. Moore

FTP: Find The Porn
— Janne More’n

JPG: Just Porn, Gentlemen
— John Cave

IPO: Idiot’s Pyrrhic Optimism
— Jeff Ryan

SUV: Suburban Uneasiness Vehicle
— Nancy Ott

PBS: PLEASE Be a Subscriber!
NPR: Not Particularly Radical
RFP: Rigged to Favor Pals
— Keith Amman

AOL: Amateurs On Line
BMW: Burn My Will
— Neal Conner

ATM: Addicted To Money
TLA: Terrible Language Additive
— David Bedno

IRC: Interrupt, Rant, Curse
— Rafe Brox

MP3: My Profits cut in 3rds
— B.J.D. Cruz

MP3: Music Pirates Please Pay
— Dharmo

VCR: Voluntary Commercial Remover
— Pat Hunt

Thanks for taking our challenge. Look for another one in two weeks.

HONORABLE MENTIONS

Visionary-ometer
Detects the precise amount of baloney being emitted from the mouth of the owner of an Internet start-up and produces an approximation, give or take four business days, of when company paychecks will begin to bounce.
— Debi Lewis

Payback 6000 by ColdSweat Labs
Are YOU the Hardest-Working Man in Show Business? Find out with the Payback 6000! Accurately measures the energy in every “Hep!” “Hey!” and “Wow!” Digital display shows both pW (picoWilsons) and nC (nanoCookes). Good God!
— Herb Robinson

Prolixity Distillometer
A hand-held device that measures (in Orwells) the amount of semantic content in speech. “Currently,” “located” and “to better serve you” have failed to register on the device at all in early tests. And an entire Las Vegas technology industry convention barely made the needle wiggle.
— Keith Ammann

Canine Polygraph
Is your dog really happy to see you? How sorry is Rex about the carpet? The Canine Polygraph uses sophisticated audio analysis to measure the stress in your pet’s barks and whimpers. (Not for use with cats. Not admissible for resolving issues in behavioral science in California, Oregon and Wyoming.)
— Tom Sackett

Digital Helenometer
How beautiful are you? Stunningly, breathtakingly, conventionally — or are you just handsome? Why spend hours in front of the mirror cataloging freckles when modern science can tell you the objective truth? The new Digital Helenometer© scans your appearance and gives you instant results. Readouts in millihelen units. (One millihelen equals enough beauty to launch one ship.)
— Michael P. Walsh

Bad Tip Alert
Is the tip you leave a token of gratitude or an inadvertent insult? The Bad Tip Alert hides discreetly in a pocket and vibrates if your gratuity falls below a predefined threshold, determined by the snootiness of the establishment and the quality of service.
— Jason Terada

Blink-per-Minute Counter
People blink more frequently when they’re lying. A BPM counter might prove useful for presidential debates, for assessing auto repair estimates, for annual salary reviews, etc. A bar chart comparing current BPMs to a baseline for an individual might prove handy, too.
— John Englert

Brownie Pointer
Want to know where you stand with your spouse, your co-workers, your boss? Now you can, with our patented combination remote skin-temperature, iris-dilation and voice stress-level tester. Stay up-to-date on exactly how much you can get away with! Vibrating warnings, diversionary cellphone call if you fall below -5.
— Mark Janello

Level Tracker
Forgot whether you were taking your company to “the next level” or “the next, next level”? Compact, wristwatch-size unit automatically counts how many times your boss tells you to “take it to the next level,” while integrated scrolling display shows the proper “next, next, next, next …” sequence needed to refer to your target level.
— Austin Appleby

Millerometer
Are you pretty sure Dante has no place in “Monday Night Football” but afraid you may be missing something? Don’t waste money on CliffsNotes — get the Millerometer. Attached to your television, the Millerometer displays how many other heads Dennis Miller’s commentary is passing over so you can have the peace of mind to use the Inferno as a coaster again.
— Caleb Shreve

Conscience
This nifty, low-maintenance device watches everything: what you eat, when you eat it, what it contains, where you’ve been, what you’ve done, your pulse, your breathing, your thinking. Not getting enough sun? It’ll book you a holiday!
— Peter Blyth

Fartractor
Measures how disgusting drivers are while leaning right to cut the cheese in their cars. It combines a plastic school protractor and stopwatch. While following a leaning driver, hold up the Fartractor and hit the stopwatch. If the lean is more than 15 degrees off vertical and lasts more than five seconds, it’s a Cherry Bomber. [One of many submissions on the theme. Sorry, but we had to cut the rest.]
— Kim Garretson

Thanks for taking our challenge. Look for another one in two weeks.

EXAMPLE

Speech gun
Slow talkers got you down? Turn your speech gun on a colleague, politician or spouse. A chime sounds when the speaker falls below five syllables per second. Optional “Uh” counter available.

RULES

Send your submissions via e-mail only to salon21st@salon.com. Please include your full name and an accurate e-mail address so we can contact you if you’re a winner. By submitting your entry, you give Salon Technology permission to publish and reuse it. Deadline for entries is Oct. 13, 2000.

PRIZES

The winning response will receive a copy of Salon Technology editor Andrew Leonard’s book, “Bots: The Origin of New Species.”

In two weeks we’ll publish a winner and some selected entries — then start over a couple of weeks after that with a whole new challenge.