Cover your ears, Gwyneth!

Ben Affleck may be dipping into the Viagra again.

Witnesses tell me that the ever-randy actor got a little too frisky with a comely Secret Service agent during a photo op at a Los Angeles rally for Al Gore on Tuesday. Cher, Whoopi Goldberg, Ed Begley Jr., Martin Sheen and alleged onetime armpit-sniffer John Cusack were also in attendance — but Affleck was the only star against whom the married female agent had to use a little self-defense.

“He’s very bright and I’d love to sit down and talk to him sometime, but I was on duty,” explains the agent, who says she was forced “to bend his thumb back” to break a rather constrictive hug.

Nookie monster Affleck also propositioned the hapless agent within earshot of reporters, suggesting that the two repair to a Holiday Inn. “I’ve always wanted to lay a Secret Service agent,” he said.

Listen, Ben, it’s not that kind of Secret Service. Next time, try an intern.

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What would Sonny say?

“Has everyone lost their f–king minds? Doesn’t anybody remember the illustrious Reagan-Bush years when people had no money and no jobs? What has happened to people’s memories? It’s like they have Alzheimer’s or something.”

– Cher, providing a little insight as to why she’s delayed the recording of her new album to campaign against George W. Bush.

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Goths for Gore

Don’t hold your breath for a press release from the Gore camp, but it looks like Al’s just racked up one very important endorsement: Marilyn Manson.

True, the ultra-tattooed Goth rocker recently told Talk magazine he was backing Bush, but now he tells the upcoming issue of High Times that he’s changed his mind. And it has nothing to do with W.’s poor grammar.

Manson says he’s made the move because the Democrats are “safer to deal with” and more likely to appoint “art-friendly” judges. Then again, he says he’s pretty sure “both sides hate me.”

Awww. Sounds like someone needs a hug.

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In fact, hugs all around

“I’m your classic rock guy, I have a lot of anger, a lot of rage inside of me.”

– U2′s Bono, revealing that he still hasn’t found what he’s looking for.

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Mind-bending lawsuit

Attention, Nintendo fans: Uri Geller is not game.

The “psychic entertainer” says he’s outraged that Nintendo has used his name and image on Pokimon cards. It debases him, he says. So he’s filed a lawsuit against the company in Los Angeles federal court.

Geller, who is suing for damages as well as the removal of his name and trademark bent-spoon image from Pokimon cards and related paraphernalia, contends that “Nintendo turned me into an evil, occult Pokimon character. Nintendo stole my identity by using my name and my signature image.”

He’s particularly upset by the star on the Pokimon Geller character’s forehead and lightning bolts on his chest, which he says evoke the Nazi SS symbol.

Says Geller, “I want to tell the world before the start of the holiday season that I have nothing whatsoever to do with these violent characters.”

Put that in your spoon and bend it.

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Pow! Right in Paula’s kisser!

“Actually, I want to win … so I can show Paula Jones what the correct response was supposed to be.”

– Conservative columnist Ann Coulter, commenting in the Washington Post on the likelihood that she’ll win Playboy.com’s “Beltway Babes” poll, which carries the option of appearing in an upcoming issue of the magazine as a reward.

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Juicy bits

Will Eminem’s tribulations never cease? Now the towheaded rapper’s lost the notebook containing the lyrics to his as-yet-unrecorded upcoming album. He last saw it on a Delta Air Lines flight from Cincinnati to New Orleans, according to his spokespeople. And if you spot the vitriol-filled spiral notebook with Britney Spears on the cover, you can e-mail found@eminem.com and collect your cash reward or a chance to meet the rapper himself. Or, of course, you can sell it for a lot of money on eBay.

Eddie the mook, a fashion inspiration? Someone apparently thinks so. “Big Brother” winner Eddie McGee will take home an “Inspiration Award” at the fashion industry’s version of the Oscars on Nov. 27. What, exactly, has he inspired us to do?

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Miss something? Read yesterday’s Nothing Personal.

Most by now are probably familiar with Ann Coulter’s declaration, when discussing the Herman Cain sexual harassment debacle earlier this week, that “our blacks are so much better than their blacks.” Most probably weren’t all that shocked to hear this sort of race-baiting from Coulter, who’s made a lucrative career dispensing right-wing vitriol. Most probably just ignored her uncouth remarks and moved on.

Still, just in case you were looking for a more complete exegesis of the logic behind Coulter’s statement, Jon Stewart, along with his “Daily Show” correspondents, extended the argument to its logical extreme last night.

Ten years ago, a tragedy brought us all closer together. Last night, Jon Stewart recalled another moment, just two days after, when all the solidarity engendered through a national trauma began to dissipate into the political ether. Opportunists — first Jerry Falwell, then Ann Coulter, Glenn Beck, all the “Ground Zero Mosque” people (not to say anything of the folks in power) — began using the memory of that historical moment for their own personal advantage. “The Daily Show” paid tribute:

Ed Schultz targeted Ann Coulter and her recent comments on radiation’s positive health benefits in his “Take Down” segment on Friday night. Last week, Ann Coulter wrote a blog post about the positive health benefits of radiation and made national headlines when Bill O’Reilly scolded her on his show for the shoddy research and inappropriate timing of her incendiary claims. Schultz agreed and took the scolding to the next level saying:

What’s the opposite of fear-mongering? False-sense-of-security-mongering, probably. Or whatever you’d call Ann Coulter’s latest blog post claiming that radiation does a body good:

With the terrible earthquake and resulting tsunami that have devastated Japan, the only good news is that anyone exposed to excess radiation from the nuclear power plants is now probably much less likely to get cancer.

Republican opinion outfit ConservativeHome polled 1,152 Republican activists (according to “YouGuv America”) on their favorite conservative pundits. The results: mostly unsurprising. Rush Limbaugh is No. 1 and Glenn Beck is No. 2. Republican activists love being angry and scared, and getting lied to.

The only newspaper columnists Republican activists actually like are George Will, at No. 10, and human smarm machine Charles Krauthammer, all the way at No. 3, thanks in large part (I assume) to his frequent appearances on Fox and the fact that he has a professional wrestling stage name. (There is also Ann Coulter at No. 9, but she’s more of a mascot than a columnist.)