Debacle 2000: A hopeful solution

A frustrated citizen proposes a simple, straightforward way out of the election madness.

Topics: 2000 Elections, Satire,

I hope they ask Marisleysis González to oversee the hand recounts in Miami, and I hope they award custody of the “Palm Beach County 19,000″ to Bill Gates. I hope Johnnie Cochran arrives to defend the rights of Florida voters, and I hope he tells whichever one of the 6,523 state and federal judges is currently hearing the case that “if the chad sticks, the vote needs a fix.” I hope Secretary of State and citrus heiress Katherine Harris offers the presidential loser permanent visitation rights to Disney World and a lifetime supply of pristine, pregnant and fully punched butterfly ballots. I also hope she has her eyebrows and makeup redone by the guy who clipped President Clinton’s hair for $200.

I hope Linda Tripp comes forward with secret videotapes of the Florida voting booths so she can prove whether or not the old Jewish folks really meant to vote for Pat Buchanan. I hope Kenneth Starr investigates the situation and interrogates John and Patsy Ramsey about any possible collusion between the Boulder, Colo., police and Bush lackey Karen Hughes. I hope Karenna Gore dons thong underwear and flashes it to Ehud Barak when he delivers the absentee ballots from Israel to the White House. I hope Monica Lewinksy gets invited to the festive Bush family Thanksgiving dinner and offers Florida Gov. Jeb Bush some oral stimulation so he’ll award his state to Karenna’s father.

I hope the two candidates tear their clothes off and run around like the naked fat guy on “Survivor.” If the hand recount ends in a tie, I hope the show’s tribal council asks Leonardo DiCaprio to interview both candidates about global warming and the ozone hole in Chile and then votes to throw one of them off the island. I hope all four ladies from “Sex and the City” agree to mess around with the candidate left standing. Then I hope Tony Soprano orders O.J. to take the lucky winner for a ride in the white Bronco. I hope that afterward Tony goes out and dines on veal scaloppine with a risotto appetizer at the best Italian restaurant in Austin, Texas, with Leonardo, Chris Matthews, the cast of “Friends” and the entire Florida Supreme Court.

I hope Laura Bush and Tipper Gore appear on “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire.” I hope Tipper loses when she can’t answer exactly how many years it has been since W. was arrested for a DUI. I hope Laura loses when she can’t recall the vile first line of Eminem’s most recent hit. I hope Laura uses up a lifeline calling Bush biographer J.H. Hatfield — and if Hatfield’s already back in jail, she can call the guy who may have sold dope to Dan Quayle. Then I hope Tipper, Laura and Kathie Lee sit down for a girl chat and dish about what an asshole Regis is and how neither of them ever wants to appear on a show with him again.

I hope John McCain is in the audience while Tipper and Laura play for the bucks. Then I hope Kathie Lee and McCain compare notes about whether he suffered more as a POW than did all the immigrant sweatshop kiddie slaves forced to sew her ugly clothes. I hope McCain and Charlton Heston join forces with Bob Jones to host a Fox News blockbuster about emerging archaeological evidence that the baby Moses was found in the bull rushes with his own AK-47 stashed beside him.

I hope Quentin Tarantino directs the feature version of the Moses story. I hope he persuades Osama bin Laden to play the Pharaoh, Jim Carrey to play Moses and the Blair Witch to play the Angel of Death killing the Egyptian firstborn. I hope they all make a bundle when the movie’s Web site launches an IPO, especially if Alan Dershowitz has negotiated their stock options.

Then I hope Elián’s very hunky dad returns to the U.S. to become CEO of AOL Time Warner. While he’s here, I hope that he also becomes my new boyfriend, and I hope we go to Vermont to join our hearts in civil union. And after the 2004 elections, I hope Jesse Ventura invites us to live in the Lincoln Bedroom for much less rent than Bill and Hillary Clinton ever charged when they were president.

I think these simple suggestions would solve most of America’s current problems, and I’ll keep working on the rest.

David Tuller is a contributing writer at Salon. He is the author of "Cracks in the Iron Closet: Travels in Gay and Lesbian Russia."

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