Kenneth H. Cleaver

Perhaps it is not “good” butter; perhaps it is not organic butter. Perhaps it is not churned colonial style in a gnarly wooden tub by shawl-clad indentured servants. But my internal radar, honed for detecting all kinds of consumer chicanery, issues forth strong blips in the general direction of Englewood Cliffs, N.J. I challenge you to prove me wrong and promise my confidentiality should you prove me right.

Sincerely,
Kenneth H. Cleaver

“I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” responds:

Mr. Kenneth H. Cleaver
P.O. Box 810
Bedford, NY 10506

Dear Mr. Cleaver:

It was thoughtful of you to let us hear your comments about “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter!”

For many years, our company has been making every effort to provide customers with superior products to meet their individual needs and preferences. Comments such as yours are certainly gratifying — and most welcome.

As a token of our appreciation, I am enclosing a coupon for your use. If we can be of use in the future, please contact us.

Sincerely,
Lee Hunter
Consumer Representative

Oct. 11, 2000

Mr. Lee Hunter, Consumer Representative
“I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter!”
c/o Lipton
800 Sylvan Ave.
Englewood Cliffs, NJ 07362

Dear Mr. Hunter:

Enclosed please find a copy of my previous letter. Your response offers no evidence that you actually read it. Perhaps you thought my quest for truth could be purchased with a free coupon. You are quite mistaken.

Executive summary of my previous letter is as follows: I believe your product “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter!” is, in fact, butter.

I am returning the coupon I feel is just shy of an insult.

A timely and relevant response would be appreciated.

Sincerely,
Kenneth H. Cleaver

“I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” responds:

Oct. 16, 2000

Mr. Kenneth Cleaver
P.O. Box 810
Bedford, NY 10506

Dear Mr. Cleaver:

I am writing to follow up on your recent correspondence regarding “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter!”

We are pleased to know that you enjoy using our product. In response to your inquiry, “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter!” is classified as a “spread,” as stated on the label, which means that it contains less than 80 percent fat. In order for a product to be called “butter,” it must contain at least 80 percent fat, among other requirements. You may find additional information on this subject at your local library.

Once again, thank you for your loyalty to our product. I have enclosed a coupon for a complimentary container, which I hope you will enjoy.

Sincerely,
Gina Papale
Specialist

At the root of their discontent was my T-shirt picturing Chinese President Jiang Zemin embracing exiled Tibetan leader the Dalai Lama. The back features the slogan “China & Tibet: Together 4ever.” The gang of boys demanded I take it off and became incensed when I refused. Before I could discourse upon freedom of expression and the potential of Buddhist-Communist unity, the young men were upon me.

Strangely enough, I was never kicked or punched, but my mouth was pried open and mob members forced down it what I later discovered to be organic bean sprouts, after which the boys stood up and bombarded me with bricks of extra-firm tofu. During the struggle they made several curious remarks. “Don’t f*** with the Dalai Lama!” “Tibetan Buddhists rule!” Before dispersing, the gang leader warned that if I was seen in Cambridge again he would “get some pipe-hittin’ lesbians and get vegan on my ass.”

My good nature prevents me from condemning a city based on the behavior of a few extremists. I consider it my civic duty to make you aware of what I hope is not a burgeoning problem.

Out of curiosity, perhaps you might clue me in: What is a “pipe-hittin’ lesbian”?

Sincerely,
Kenneth H. Cleaver

The City of Cambridge Police Department responds:

Aug. 21, 2000

Dear Mr. Cleaver:

Your letter of 8/14/00 to City Manager R. Healy, in which you describe being assaulted on a street here in Cambridge, has been forwarded to me for further action. I am sorry to hear of this unfortunate incident and the Cambridge Police Department would like to know more of the details, such as the location, date and time, and physical description of the assailants.

In order for us to investigate the incident, I ask that you call the Cambridge Police Investigation Section and ask for Sergeant Les Sullivan. With more specific information we will hopefully be able to address the situation that you found yourself in on the day you were attacked and be able to prevent a like occurrence in the future.

Again, I am sorry to hear that your visit to Cambridge was marred by that very disturbing incident. I assure you that such crimes are not commonplace here in Cambridge. I hope we hear from you soon so that we may take whatever steps are possible to investigate this incident further.

Sincerely,
Dep. Supt. Thomas O’Connor

In exchange for passes, accommodations and a modest per diem, I will occupy the role of hipster in paradise. My aura ranges from sullen to sassy, my wardrobe from silk to suede. The following statements exemplify my aptitude for instilling a buzz.

“Not since Ed Burns has the American cinema witnessed such unbridled auterism!”

“This is so much better than Cannes: Everyone here speaks English!”

“Now THAT is a progressive mocha!”

“Parker Posey, salt of the earth.”

“Have you seen ______? It’s reminiscent of Kevin Smith, but without the mise-en-scène.”

While I would prefer to work for Sundance, I will soon be courting other offers. Trust me when I say that you want Kenneth Cleaver on your team.

Yours truly,
Kenneth H. Cleaver

Sundance Institute responds

October 31, 2000

Dear Mr. Cleaver,

This letter is to confirm receiving your letter indicating you are interested in volunteering for the Sundance Film Festival 2001. Your request was forwarded to the Volunteer Department. You will be receiving information on the volunteer process in the mail.

Thank you for your interest in the Sundance Film Festival 2001.

Sincerely,

Patti Timm
Human Resources Manager
Sundance Institute

November 15, 2000

Dear Ms. Timm,

I am in receipt of your letter of October 31st as well as the application forwarded to me by the Volunteer Department. Thank you. Unfortunately, there has been a mistake on the part of the festival regarding my original letter, of which I have enclosed a copy.

Volunteerism is an important aspect of our society. Volunteering at the Sundance Film Festival is an exciting opportunity for drooling hordes of undergraduate film students. However, Ms. Timm, I am a professional. Would the Coen brothers ask Steve Buscemi to “volunteer” for one of their films? Would John Sayles ask cinematographer Haskell Wexler to shoot for his new film for a few extra pop tarts from the craft service table? Are you running the Sundance Film Festival or a soup kitchen?

I am trained to release quips. They are strategically designed and delivered to influence players in the world of independent cinema. I am human ambience. While I readily accept Sundance’s decision to employ or pass on my services, I take great umbrage with the suggestion that I would offer them without a signed legal guarantee of remuneration.

Sincerely,

Kenneth H. Cleaver

Sundance Institute responds:

November 22, 2000

Dear Kenneth,

I have received your letter indicating you are not interested in volunteer opportunities with the Sundance Film Festival 2001. Sundance Institute is a not-for-profit arts organization that relies heavily on the service of approximately 1,000 volunteers. The film festival could not happen without the services of our volunteers.

We currently do not have an employment opportunity that requires your skills.

Thank you for your interest in Sundance.

Patti Timm
Human Resources Manager
Sundance Institute

Save the doily!

Kenneth H. Cleaver

Friendly’s Ice Cream Corporation responds:

February 17, 1999

Mr. Kenneth Cleaver
P.O. Box 810
Bedford, N.Y. 10506

Dear Mr. Cleaver,

Thank you for your letter of February 6, 1999, suggesting that Friendly’s use doilies when serving dessert.

Friendly’s is always interested in knowing what pleases our guests and your suggestions have been passed on to the people who are responsible for such matters.

It’s guests, such as yourself, who have helped Friendly’s maintain the high standards that have become our tradition. Again, thank you for taking the time to make a recommendation on ways that Friendly’s might improve.

Sincerely,
Joanne K. Fournier
Guest Service Representative

April 21, 1999

Joanne K. Fournier
Friendly’s Ice Cream Corporation
1855 Boston Road
Wilbraham, Mass. 01095

Dear Ms. Fournier,

Please find a copy of my letter of February 6th and your letter of February 17th. It has been two months and I have yet to hear from “the people who are responsible for such matters.” At risk of being a noodge, what’s going on?

If Friendly’s has indeed downsized the doily, might it be possible for me to obtain two — one for personal use and the other to frame as a souvenir? Please let me know.

Save the doily!

Kenneth H. Cleaver

Friendly’s Ice Cream Corporation responds … again:

April 28, 1999

Kenneth Cleaver
P.O. Box 810
Bedford, N.Y. 10506

Dear Mr. Cleaver:

Thank you for your letter of April 21, 1999.

When you wrote to us on February 6, 1999, we forwarded your comments and suggestions to our restaurant Operations and Marketing Departments for their consideration.

After further review, at this point in time, the doilies are not slated to return. I have also investigated the possibility of having any left in our inventory and unfortunately it seems there aren’t any.

We appreciate your patronage.

Sincerely,
Joanne K. Fournier
Guest Service Representative

For as long as I can remember, I have thrown my pillow in my sleep. I wake up to a stiff neck and my slumber cushion lost to the netherworld of a dark room. What was once a nightly hassle is now a fading memory. My pillow remains affixed to my sheets, thanks to one reluctant Granny and her sewing prowess. Success No. 1!

My dog loves bones. She drags her marrow trophies around as if they were hard won on the Serengeti, rather than the pet aisles of Shoprite. The bones are smelly, gross and constantly underfoot. Zipper now battles bolted-down bones in the corner of the living room. She’s adjusting. I’m ecstatic. Success No. 2!

My favorite slippers now rest permanently underneath my favorite chair. My hairbrush is mounted on the bathroom wall and it’s great for loosening up my neck. I could go on for pages, but I only wanted to let you know how grateful I am. If one can look beyond the cynicism and distrust of a major corporate motel chain, they just might learn something. I sure did!

Sincerely,
Kenneth H. Cleaver

Days Inn Worldwide responds:

8/18/2000

Mr. Kenneth H. Cleaver
P.O. Box 810
Bedford, N.Y. 10506

Dear Mr. Kenneth Cleaver:

Thank you for your recent correspondence in which you brought to our attention the experience you had at a Days Inn hotel located in Dearborn, Mich. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience this may have caused you. Please allow me to explain a little about our franchised system.

This hotel is part of a system of franchised hotels. Each hotel is individually owned and operated. This allows the day-to-day operations such as location of hotel, employees hired, furnishings and rates to be left up to the discretion of the management and franchisee. Again, I sincerely apologize for the inconvenience this may have caused you. Our office is unable to assist you any further with this concern.

If you have any further questions, please direct them to the manager of this location. At Days Inn, we strive to achieve the best in customer satisfaction. We hope that you will continue to choose our chain of hotels for your choice of lodging.

Sincerely,
Lori Hoffman
Customer Service Assistant Manager

I beg you not to succumb to knee-jerk decisions and adopt the plant’s European name of “aubergine.” With the growing popularity of soccer and Austin Powers, American culture must safeguard itself from feminizing European influence. At risk of occupying the role of a curmudgeonly critic, I have taken it upon myself to offer several new names for the American eggplant.

1. The E-Plant ©
2. E2K: The Millennial Vegetable ©
3. The Purple Power-Plant ©
4. Purple Power Bombs ©
5. Squash2 ©

Recognizing that the eggplant is not part of my cultural identity or means of subsistence, I humbly offer my analysis. I hope it is of some use.

Sincerely,
Kenneth H. Cleaver

California Rare Fruit Growers Inc. responds:

Kenneth H. Cleaver
P.O. Box 810
Bedford, NY 10506

Dear Kenneth:

Regarding your displeasure with the name “eggplant,” it surely doesn’t conjure up unpleasant images for me. As with so many odd names for things, when you think of why they are called that, it can be most interesting.

Some 15 years ago I grew the “original” eggplant. It was white and looked exactly like an egg. I brought a basket of them to our county fair and every passerby was intrigued by them, especially children.

Colors and shapes have changed, but I like eggplant by any name — especially the variety from Ukraine called “Diamond.” I purchased the seed for it from the Seed Savers Exchange in Decorah, Iowa. (They probably have the white egg one too.)

Sincerely,
Eunice Messner
Fruit Specialist Coordinator
California Rare Fruit Growers

Sept. 15, 2000

National Football League
280 Park Ave.
New York, NY 10017

Dear National Football League:

While baseball may be our “national pastime,” the High Holy Day of American sports remains Super Bowl Sunday. While not a football fan, I am a Super Bowl consumer. I enjoy the game as an excuse to get together with friends, drink beer and hold society in contempt. On this most American of holidays, it would behoove us as a nation to utilize our propensity for spectacle and sensationalism to cast light on our many national heroes in the too often irrelevant halftime extravaganza.

I confess that I have a hero in mind: a native son of Terre Haute, Ind., an organizer, writer, pacifist and five-time presidential candidate. Frustrated with the myopia and ineffectuality of craft unions, he founded the American Railway Union in 1893 as a means for railroad workers to gain industrial strength. No stranger to prison, he was jailed for his part in the bitter Pullman strike of 1894, where he learned firsthand how the capitalist state will unleash military muscle to break working-class resistance. I speak of no less a man than Eugene Victor Debs.

Debs is worthy of a halftime show not simply because he twice polled nearly a million votes — in the presidential elections of 1912 and 1920 — but because of his ability to Americanize the class struggle. Debs was the only figure on the left capable of uniting the disparate factions vying for power in the working-class movements of the time. Debs enjoyed tremendous popularity with American workers of all ethnicities and regions. His skill as an orator remains unprecedented in the labor movement to this day.

A song-and-dance spectacular, or perhaps Robert Duvall reading some of Debs’ famous speeches, would make for educational entertainment between halves. I hope you will give this idea every consideration. While only the working class holds the key to smashing oppression and building a true democratic republic, the National Football League has the power to inspire would-be revolutionaries searching for inspiration and direction between the halves.

Sincerely,
Kenneth H. Cleaver

The NFL responds:

Kenneth H. Cleaver
P.O. Box 810
Bedford, NY 10506

Dear Mr. Cleaver:

We appreciate your interest in our plans for the Super Bowl and, most particularly, the halftime show.

We have designed the halftime show over the years to provide entertainment for the fans in the stands and at home. We have avoided adopting any causes or tributes because it tends to become relatively controversial as individuals judge the NFL for imposing beliefs on the public. In the history of the game, the only time we adopted a specific mention was in 1982 during the strife in Poland. Our themes have been centered on worldwide themes involving children when we have adopted one focus.

As a viewer of the Super Bowl, we trust you have viewed the halftime shows and have seen how we have attempted to avoid antagonizing or focusing on any element of the fans of the NFL.

If we change our focus, we most certainly will remember your suggestion.

Sincerely,
James H. Steeg
Vice President, Special Events