George W. Bush
Last call
The bar is closing, but why don't I feel like taking either presidential candidate home?
The presidential election has left me achingly unfulfilled. I mean, I haven’t been this horny since college, and I’m told I had a lot of sex in college, even though I personally don’t recall most of it because those four years are a booze-addled fog.
Last call was usually my cue to canvass the sorry collection of men still standing in the bar and pick the poor idiot to take me home. And that’s exactly how this election mess in Florida has left me: horny for a real man but willing to settle for a facsimile as soon as the bartender makes last call. But the bar doesn’t seem to be shutting down anytime soon, even though the clock is past closing hour, leaving me ripe and ready to compromise my standards — though not while the booze is still flowing. Because the booze, you see, is what will make either man easier to swallow.
So here I sit with my left hand on Al Gore’s knee and my right hand playfully sizing up George W. Bush’s bicep. Both of them are blabbering slick pickup lines in my ear. Not that I believe any of their shit, but I appreciate the effort they make to sound sincere. One look at Gore and I see that if his dick is as stiff as his demeanor I might be able to make some use of him. Then I glance at Bush and two words come to mind — words that would be unattractive if not for the self-inflicted film of sexiness brought on by the booze — and those words are “grudge fuck.”
This is my selection. Surely the victor will erect himself soon because for chrissakes someone has to fill this aching void.
But Jesus God, here it is the day after, and the day after that and the day after that and … oh, God, I’ve been dry-humped so hard I can send smoke signals from the friction. By now I should be chiseling my way out of a dried cocoon of sperm, but instead I’m right where I started, disheartened but horny, ready to surrender myself at the first sign of invasion, but neither candidate has the nuts to conquer me. I’d laugh if it weren’t so sad. “Is it me?” I begin to think. “Am I not sending the right signal? Are they waiting for a written invitation?”
Turns out that’s exactly what they’re waiting for, which doesn’t help me. Nor does the bright morning light, because it’s shining directly on Bush and Gore, who are each looking less attractive as time wears on. Bush has a face like a bucket of paste and Gore is as animated as a telephone dial signal. “What was I thinking?” I say to myself. I’d go home alone if I could, but by now I’m locked in here with these two guys, as well as all their pundits and professional political dick suckers. This is a clusterfuck for sure, and not the fun kind.
So my emptiness still aches. By now, I should have been screwed by one of the candidates — it would have been cheap, but needed — but instead I’m left untouched and listening to them in the light of day as they each keep promising what a great lay they would be if only they were let in. One says I already picked him, so he’s standing there with his dick in his hand, and the other insists the picking is still in process, so the time for fucking is in the future.
If not for the booze it would be unbearable, so my only option is to forgo a glass and just have the bartender pour the alcohol directly into my mouth. Later I’ll have to look for my liver, which by that time will have escaped from my body out of self-preservation and will be found on the road hitchhiking its way to a healthier host. After a few hours of drinking like this, even Katherine Harris (who looks like Nancy Reagan’s retarded cousin who has been kept locked in a crawl space all these years) will seem appealing — but I know I can’t go there because she’s Bush’s personal butt lick and he’s probably possessive about his bitches.
So even though the finish line keeps getting pushed farther away, the certainty that it has to be one or the other doesn’t change. Sometimes I weaken and whine, “Why can’t I have that one?” pointing to Wolf Blitzer or Ted Koppel or Candy Crawley (if I’m gonna go lesbo, I want her to be big) or any of the other professional pie holes on TV, but my selection is limited to these two. Gore and Bush, one or the other and not neither. Like I said, it would be depressing if not for the booze.
As for the phrase “hanging chad”? It sounds like the name of a well-paid porn star, but actually it’s just a piece of confetti more flimsy than the candidates’ campaign promises. It’s the fleck of paper left partially punched out of the voter’s card, indicating or not indicating the voter’s preference. Both Bush and Gore blather about the hanging chad as if it’s some kind of sex toy, and their performance very well could hang on the hanging chad. Gore says it’s necessary to do the job right; Bush says he doesn’t need it to get the job done. In addition Bush keeps pushing “closure,” and he’s ready to plant the flag on me even though it might mean date-raping my political integrity, and Gore keeps bellowing “fairness,” which would be wimpish if not for his past penchant for doing it over and over and over again.
In the meantime here comes the bartender, ready to fortify me for another night. He’s been serving me the same brand since the beginning, and the label on the bottle reads “Ballots.” As he pours me another shot, I’m struck again by the same certainty that has been both portentous and eagerly awaited since Election Night so long ago: In the end, either way I’m getting fucked.
Hollis Gillespie is a writer in Atlanta. More Hollis Gillespie.
Using Bush’s playbook
"Karl Rove politics" aren't quite dead: Obama's strategy in 2012 will mirror W's in 2004
George W. Bush and Barack Obama (Credit: Reuters/Larry Downing) Barack Obama’s presidency was born from nothing so much as his repudiation of George W. Bush’s administration — its policies and politics, its style and tone. One of Obama’s most effective 2008 stump speech refrains was his promise to end the era of “Scooter Libby justice, ‘Brownie’ incompetence and Karl Rove politics.”
But the political dynamics for winning a second presidential term often differ markedly from winning the first. So don’t be surprised by many eerie parallels between Obama’s 2012 reelection bid and Bush’s 2004 campaign. The president may not rely upon “Karl Rove politics” in the strictest sense, and nobody would confuse David Axelrod with Rove. But Obama’s reelection route and rhetoric may bear more than a few Rovian hallmarks.
Continue Reading CloseThe Bushies are back
Missed the neocons? Don't worry: Mitt Romney's getting the band together again
(Credit: Reuters/Win McNamee) There was good reason for Republicans to cry foul over the Obama campaign’s advertisement highlighting the president’s killing of Osama bin Laden; the GOP has lost its decades-long edge on national security. According to a Washington Post poll, “By a margin of more than 2 to 1, Americans say the president’s handling of terrorism is a major reason to support rather than oppose his bid for reelection.”
Continue Reading CloseJordan Michael Smith writes about U.S. foreign policy for Salon. He has written for the New York Times, Boston Globe and Washington Post. More Jordan Michael Smith.
Bush aide blasts torture
Philip Zelikow tried to warn Bush on interrogations. Now he's penned an authoritative article on how he was ignored
(Credit: Reuters/Jim Young) The Bush administration hasn’t heard the last from Philip Zelikow. After the rediscovery last week of his long lost 2006 anti-torture memo, Zelikow, a former State Department official, has written arguably the most damning article yet about U.S. government’s interrogation policies from 2001 to 2009. The article, called “Codes of Conduct for a Twilight War,” will be released in a forthcoming issue of the Houston Law Journal, and was obtained exclusively by Salon. Says Zelikow in an email: “I’m not aware of other accounts that combine historical, policy and legal approaches to” the subject of the Bush administration’s interrogation methods.
Continue Reading CloseJordan Michael Smith writes about U.S. foreign policy for Salon. He has written for the New York Times, Boston Globe and Washington Post. More Jordan Michael Smith.
Thomas Kinkade, the George W. Bush of art
The rise and fall of Thomas Kinkade, the Painter of Light™ in a decade of bad faith
News of Thomas Kinkade’s death arrived on the same day I received in the mail a vintage teacup on which I had spent a ridiculous amount of money. It has a cottage painted on it. Kinkade, whose work has long exerted a morbid fascination for me (to the concern of all my friends), specialized in cottages. So some part of me understands the appeal, I guess, but, damn: Those paintings make my corneas hurt. And yet, I could barely stop looking at them.
Kinkade was only 54, and his family told the media that he died of “natural causes.” This comes after years of reports of drunken public misbehavior: cursing at people who tried to save him from falling off bar stools, heckling Siegfried & Roy, grabbing a woman’s breasts at a publicity event and, most memorably, urinating on a Winnie the Pooh statue at the Disneyland Hotel while proclaiming, “This one’s for you, Walt!” There were DUI arrests. Also, his manufacturing company declared bankruptcy two years ago, and former franchisees of the once-ubiquitous Thomas Kinkade Signature Galleries won settlements against him for fraud.
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Laura Miller is a senior writer for Salon. She is the author of "The Magician's Book: A Skeptic's Adventures in Narnia" and has a Web site, magiciansbook.com. More Laura Miller.
The memo Bush tried to destroy
A document advising the Bush administration against torture has resurfaced, despite his best efforts to hide it
George W. Bush in 2006 (Credit: AP/Ron Edmonds) In February of 2006, Philip Zelikow, counselor to Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, authored a memo opposing the Bush administration’s torture practices (though he employed the infamous obfuscation of “enhanced interrogation techniques”). The White House tried to collect and destroy all copies of the memo, but one survived in the State Department’s bowels and was declassified yesterday in response to a Freedom of Information Act request by the National Security Archive.
Continue Reading CloseJordan Michael Smith writes about U.S. foreign policy for Salon. He has written for the New York Times, Boston Globe and Washington Post. More Jordan Michael Smith.
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