Our crystal ball

Salon Technology and Business makes its predictions for 2001.

Topics:

Recession? What recession?

In April, just as the NASDAQ is bottoming out at 1,632.46, a strange thing happens: iVillage.com turns a profit. It’s a small profit, but the company is indeed in the black. A week later, Ask.com proudly announces that it, too, managed to make money in the first quarter of 2001, followed swiftly by similar announcements from theglobe.com, drkoop.com and, finally, Amazon.com. It seems that all the belt-tightening and dwindling competition really have turned the industry around.

Spurred on by these surprise recoveries, the economy immediately bounces back, perhaps too far back. The NASDAQ soars to late-1999 heights as investors frantically pick up dot-com stocks hoping to get them on the cheap before the companies turn profits. Venture capitalists go on pet-portal funding binges and entrepreneurs who once steered clear of Silicon Valley return in droves, driving real-estate prices even higher. Lear jet sales go through the roof as proud executives feel the need to spend their fledgling profits. Will they ever learn?

Bill Gates gets a promotion

George W. Bush yearns to prove his business chops to the world. He’s not just some failed two-bit oil baron! He really gets this whole “new economy” thing! So, soon after Bill Gates invites Bush over to test-drive Microsoft’s latest e-book software, Dubya appoints Gates to be chairman of the Federal Trade Commission.

Gates’ first act is to drop the antitrust case against Microsoft. Then the new antitrust cowboy turns his attention to monolith AOL Time Warner. Now there’s a monopoly if the Redmond, Wash., operating system scion ever saw one.

No more singing in the rain

Congress, goaded by Hollywood and the major record labels, passes an amendment to the controversial Digital Millennium Copyright Act. The amendment makes it illegal to sing along with copyrighted songs or to quote lines from movies in conversation. Anyone caught infringing the law faces immediate incarceration; third-time offenders risk the death penalty. Bush — always an advocate of capital punishment and not so great at remembering lyrics anyway — signs the legislation as soon as it hits his desk.

FuckedCompany gets a taste of its own medicine

FuckedCompany.com gets fucked. Everyone’s favorite happy slander site shuts down in the wake of multiple lawsuits for libel and slander. The latest doom-and-gloom industry gossip is apparently addictive reading not only for dot-commers nervous about losing their jobs but for attorneys as well. The last straw is when eBay’s stock price plummets 75 percent in three hours after a bogus rumor about Meg Whitman’s leaving the company floats on the slander site. EBay shareholders launch a class-action lawsuit and Philip “Pud” Kaplan, the Fuckedcompany fry cook, files for bankruptcy. But Pud digs himself out of the hole by hitting the corporate lecture circuit. Soon he’s giving two speeches a week, for $50,000 a pop, to senior executives at Fortune 500 companies on how to create a “viral” Web site.

You Might Also Like

Bill Joy was wrong

The world does not end. Contrary to the dire predictions of Sun Microsystems co-founder Bill Joy, computers do not self-replicate, spew gray goo or do anything that leads to Armageddon. Indeed, men and women all over the globe continue to coexist with desktop computers, laptops, cellphones and hand-held personal assistants — screaming at them, kicking them and generally expressing the same intense feelings of “love” they’ve always had for all things digital.

AOL Time Warner turns out to be not so hot

One day in mid-2001, AOL Time Warner workers are roused from their corner offices for a stunning announcement: The company has fallen prey to a hostile takeover by Am I Hot or Not.com. Within minutes, crowds of pinstriped execs crowd bathroom mirrors in a preening frenzy rivaling the men’s bathroom at Studio 54. Gerald Levin makes a mad dash to the gym while Steve Case cancels his power lunch for an emergency Barney’s binge.

Those privy to the details of the takeover say it was only a matter of time before the multibillion-dollar media monolith succumbed to the unbeatable simplicity of the online meat market. “Let’s face it,” says one insider, “who wouldn’t rather pass a few hours trashing strangers’ looks than watching CNN?” Meanwhile, shareholders rejoice at the subsequent announcement that all business matters will be decided by popular vote — at Am I Hot or Not.com.

More Related Stories

Featured Slide Shows

  • Share on Twitter
  • Share on Facebook
  • 1 of 13
  • Close
  • Fullscreen
  • Thumbnails

    The 12 most incredible pint-size look-alikes in "Orange Is the New Black" season 3

    DAYA  
    Young Daya has yet to become entirely jaded, but she has the character's trademark skeptical pout down pat. And with a piece-of-work mother like Aleida -- who oscillates between jealousy and scorn for her creatively gifted daughter, chucking out the artwork she brings home from summer camp -- who can blame her?

    The 12 most incredible pint-size look-alikes in "Orange Is the New Black" season 3

    MORELLO   
    With her marriage to prison penpal Vince Muccio, Lorna finally got to wear the white veil she has fantasized about since childhood (even if it was made of toilet paper).

    The 12 most incredible pint-size look-alikes in "Orange Is the New Black" season 3

    CINDY   
    Cindy's embrace of Judaism makes sense when we see her childhood, lived under the fist of a terrifying father who preached a fire-and-brimstone version of Christianity. As she put it: "I was raised in a church where I was told to believe and pray. And if I was bad, I’d go to hell."

    The 12 most incredible pint-size look-alikes in "Orange Is the New Black" season 3

    CAPUTO   
    Joey Caputo has always tried to be a good guy, whether it's offering to fight a disabled wrestler at a high school wrestling event or giving up his musical ambitions to raise another man's child. But trying to be a nice guy never exactly worked out for him -- which might explain why he decides to take the selfish route in the Season 3 finale.

    The 12 most incredible pint-size look-alikes in "Orange Is the New Black" season 3

    BOO   
    In one of the season's more moving flashbacks, we see a young Boo -- who rejected the traditional trappings of femininity from a young age -- clashing with her mother over what to wear. Later, she makes the decision not to visit her mother on her deathbed if it means pretending to be something she's not. As she puts it, "I refuse to be invisible, Daddy. Not for you, not for Mom, not for anybody.”

    The 12 most incredible pint-size look-alikes in "Orange Is the New Black" season 3

    SOSO
    We still don't know what landed Brooke Soso in the slammer, but a late-season flashback suggests that some seriously overbearing parenting may have been the impetus for her downward spiral.

    The 12 most incredible pint-size look-alikes in "Orange Is the New Black" season 3

    POUSSEY
    We already know a little about Poussey's relationship with her military father, but this season we saw a softer side of the spunky fan-favorite, who still pines for the loving mom that she lost too young.

    The 12 most incredible pint-size look-alikes in "Orange Is the New Black" season 3

    PENNSATUCKY
    Pennsatucky had something of a redemption arc this season, and glimpses of her childhood only serve to increase viewer sympathy for the character, whose mother forced her to chug Mountain Dew outside the Social Security Administration office and stripped her of her sexual agency before she was even old enough to comprehend it.

    The 12 most incredible pint-size look-alikes in "Orange Is the New Black" season 3

    CHANG
    This season, we got an intense look at the teenage life of one of Litchfield's most isolated and underexplored inmates. Rebuffed and scorned by her suitor at an arranged marriage, the young Chinese immigrant stored up a grudge, and ultimately exacted a merciless revenge.

    The 12 most incredible pint-size look-alikes in "Orange Is the New Black" season 3

    HEALY
    It's difficult to sympathize with the racist, misogynist CO Sam Healy, but the snippets we get of his childhood -- raised by a mentally ill mother, vomited on by a homeless man he mistakes for Jesus when he runs to the church for help -- certainly help us understand him better.

    The 12 most incredible pint-size look-alikes in "Orange Is the New Black" season 3

    NORMA
    This season, we learned a lot about one of Litchfield's biggest enigmas, as we saw the roots of Norma's silence (a childhood stutter) and the reason for her incarceration (killing the oppressive cult leader she followed for decades).

    The 12 most incredible pint-size look-alikes in "Orange Is the New Black" season 3

    NICKI
    While Nicki's mother certainly isn't entirely to blame for her daughter's struggles with addiction, an early childhood flashback -- of an adorable young Nicki being rebuffed on Mother's Day -- certainly helps us understand the roots of Nicki's scarred psyche.

  • Recent Slide Shows

Comments

0 Comments

Comment Preview

Your name will appear as username ( settings | log out )

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href=""> <b> <em> <strong> <i> <blockquote>