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Monday, Mar 5, 2001 8:04 PM UTC

Aroused by fresh pancakes

A frying pan, an ardent lover and a kitchen in Mordvinia: Love hurts!

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Topics: Sex, Russia, Love and Sex,

A doctor working in a hospital in the town of Ruzayevka, in the Russian republic of Mordvinia, probably doesn’t see many surprises come through the doors of the hospital — some industrial accidents, perhaps, the occasional mishap at the light bulb factory. But one day such a doctor found an injured couple in the emergency room — a 30-year-old male and a 40-year-old female. Inspecting both patients, he discovered the woman had a brain concussion and the man’s penis was covered in blood and tooth marks. “Aha,” he might have said to himself, “today is the day my hospital will hit the newspapers.”

According to news reports in Pravda, this couple was recently admitted for what was termed a “love injury.” The evening began innocently enough at the flat where the couple lived together. The woman started frying pancakes — apparently a normal dinner choice in the Volga River basin town. During the course of the meal preparation, her mate became aroused. It may have been the warm aroma of fresh pancakes; it may have been the way her hips swayed as she flipped them. In any case, he was propelled to instigate amorous activity, specifically the reception of oral sex — or, as Pravda described it, “French love.”

The woman turned away from her pancakes, dropped to her knees and began performing fellatio. The man, no doubt appreciating the gesture, took it upon himself to clear some things off the top of the stove, including a heavy cast-iron pan. Unfortunately, he lost his grip on the pan, and it fell and smacked his girlfriend on the head.

“She strongly gritted her teeth because of the suddenness and pain,” intoned Pravda soberly.

The traditional Russian pancake holiday of Maslyanitsa, or “cheese week,” when people eat blini and hold street festivals, was reportedly not affected by the well-publicized accident.

Jack Boulware is a writer in San Francisco and author of "San Francisco Bizarro" and "Sex American Style." More Jack Boulware.

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