A frying pan, an ardent lover and a kitchen in Mordvinia: Love hurts!
A doctor working in a hospital in the town of Ruzayevka, in the Russian republic of Mordvinia, probably doesn’t see many surprises come through the doors of the hospital — some industrial accidents, perhaps, the occasional mishap at the light bulb factory. But one day such a doctor found an injured couple in the emergency room — a 30-year-old male and a 40-year-old female. Inspecting both patients, he discovered the woman had a brain concussion and the man’s penis was covered in blood and tooth marks. “Aha,” he might have said to himself, “today is the day my hospital will hit the newspapers.”
According to news reports in Pravda, this couple was recently admitted for what was termed a “love injury.” The evening began innocently enough at the flat where the couple lived together. The woman started frying pancakes — apparently a normal dinner choice in the Volga River basin town. During the course of the meal preparation, her mate became aroused. It may have been the warm aroma of fresh pancakes; it may have been the way her hips swayed as she flipped them. In any case, he was propelled to instigate amorous activity, specifically the reception of oral sex — or, as Pravda described it, “French love.”
The woman turned away from her pancakes, dropped to her knees and began performing fellatio. The man, no doubt appreciating the gesture, took it upon himself to clear some things off the top of the stove, including a heavy cast-iron pan. Unfortunately, he lost his grip on the pan, and it fell and smacked his girlfriend on the head.
“She strongly gritted her teeth because of the suddenness and pain,” intoned Pravda soberly.
The traditional Russian pancake holiday of Maslyanitsa, or “cheese week,” when people eat blini and hold street festivals, was reportedly not affected by the well-publicized accident.
Jack Boulware is a writer in San Francisco and author of "San Francisco Bizarro" and "Sex American Style." More Jack Boulware.
More Related Stories
- How Dan Savage lost it
- Diet soda rots your teeth "like meth and cocaine"
- Will U.S. amphibians become endangered species?
- I don't hate millennials anymore!
- Developers evict historic women's shelter to build luxury hotel
- Kaitlyn Hunt refuses plea offer, will go to court over high school relationship
- The secrets of cicada survival
- Nobody "needs" to rape
- Catholic Church in market for more exorcists
- Report: Nearly a quarter of all Americans struggle to afford food
- Louie Gohmert: Women should be forced to carry nonviable pregnancies to term
- This is what Guy Fieri looks like as a balloon
- Boy Scouts to members: Just don't be a gay adult
- Anonymous rallies behind Kaitlyn Hunt
- Mistrial in penalty phase of Arias case
- My text blew up in my face
- Boy Scouts end ban on openly gay boys
- Mississippi could begin prosecuting women for miscarriages
- Teenage girl claims she was beaten up for looking like Taylor Swift
- Billionaire hedge funder: Babies, breast-feeding "kill" focus, keep women from succeeding
- "Bookless library" set to open in Texas
Featured Slide Shows
The week in 10 picsclose X
- 1 of 11
Lisa Montgomery embraces her nephew Thursday after a tornado tore apart her home in Cleburne, Texas. The twister killed six people and destroyed entire swaths of the North Texas town.
Credit: AP/LM Otero
Jack McMahon, the defense attorney for abortion doctor Kermit Gosnell, speaks outside the Criminal Justice Center in Philadelphia Tuesday. His client was convicted of killing three babies in his clinic, and will serve multiple life sentences.
Credit: AP/Matt Rourke
A photo taken Monday captures Vice President Joe Biden's response to a Milwaukee second-grader's innovative proposal to end America's epidemic of gun violence. This guy!
Credit: AP/Jenny Aicher
Sen. Rand Paul, R-Ky., flanked by a grouper-eyed Michele Bachmann, addresses the IRS' admission that it targeted Tea Party groups in advance of the 2012 election. In an op-ed for CNN Thursday, the Kentucky senator slammed the president for his faux outrage.
Credit: AP/Molly Riley
Ousted IRS chief Steven Miller is sworn in on Capitol Hill Friday. Miller testified before the House Ways and Means Committee on the extra scrutiny the agency gave conservative groups applying for tax-exempt status.
Credit: AP/J. Scott Applewhite
Attorney General Eric Holder pauses as he testifies on Capitol Hill before the House Judiciary Committee Wednesday. Holder is under fire, among other things, for the Justice Department's gathering of phone records at the Associated Press.
Credit: AP/Carolyn Kaster
O.J. Simpson sits during an evidentiary hearing at Clark County District Court in Las Vegas, Nev., Thursday. Simpson, who is currently serving a nine-to-33-year sentence in state prison for armed robbery and kidnapping, is using a writ of habeas corpus to seek a new trial.
Credit: AP/Las Vegas Review-Journal/Jeff Scheid
Major Tom to ground control: On Sunday astronaut Chris Hadfield recorded the first music video from space, a cover of David Bowie's "Space Oddity."
Credit: AP/NASA/Chris Hadfield
When it rains it pours. President Barack Obama speaks during a news conference Thursday with Turkish Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan, inexplicably inspiring an #umbrellagate Twitter meme.
Credit: AP/Jacquelyn Martin
A smoke plume rises high above a road block at the intersection of County A and Ross Road east of Solon Springs, Wis., Tuesday. No injuries were reported, but the the wildfire caused evacuations across northwestern Wisconsin.
Credit: AP/The Duluth News-Tribune/Clint Austin
Recent Slide Shows
- 1 of 11