2014's fast food atrocities
Burger King's black cheeseburger: Made with squid ink and bamboo charcoal, arguably a symbol of meat's destructive effect on the planet. Only available in Japan.
High in the mountains near Iran’s capital of Tehran, a man and a woman are skiing down a slope. They talk, they laugh and their rapport is so friendly that it’s clear their relationship will turn carnal in a matter of moments. Now is the time to have sex. They pull into a group of trees, quickly shed their expensive ski jackets, pants, boots, hats and gloves, and begin humping and yowling like polecats in heat. Unfortunately, the two have forgotten to look over their shoulders. An armed patrol of mountain police skis up to their makeshift love nest and arrests them for breaking Islamic law.
This sad scenario is becoming more and more common on the ski slopes of Iran. Since the 1979 Islamic revolution, unmarried Iranian men and women are expressly forbidden to socialize in public places. But a loophole opened after 1997, when the administration of moderate President Mohammad Khatami allowed the integration of unisex ski resorts. Seizing the opportunity, rich and single Iranians have been hitting the slopes as if they were in a swinging James Bond movie, arranging their trysts away from the annoying, conservative eyes of the government.
The government has responded with the formation of special police patrols, reported the Kayhan daily newspaper. “The trained police will warn or confront skiers over any immoral act they might witness,” said the paper.
The sex-busting unit is made up of both men and women, and in theory is also supposed to assist injured skiers. But this is Iran, where nobody is allowed to have any fun, so most of the patrol’s time will undoubtedly be spent interrupting the coupling of sexually frustrated snow bunnies.
Jack Boulware is a writer in San Francisco and author of "San Francisco Bizarro" and "Sex American Style."More Jack Boulware.
Domino's Specialty Chicken: It's like regular pizza, except instead of a crust, there's fried chicken. The company's marketing officer calls it "one of the most creative, innovative menu items we have ever had” -- brain power put to good use.
KFC'S ZINGER DOUBLE DOWN KING: A sandwich made by adding a burger patty to the infamous chicken-instead-of-buns creation can only be described using all caps. NO BUN ALL MEAT. Only available in South Korea.
Taco Bell's Waffle Taco: It took two years for Taco Bell to develop this waffle folded in the shape of a taco, the stand-out star of its new breakfast menu.
Krispy Kreme Triple Cheeseburger: Only attendees at the San Diego County Fair were given the opportunity to taste the official version of this donut-hamburger-heart attack combo. The rest of America has reasonable odds of not dropping dead tomorrow.
Taco Bell's Quesarito: A burrito wrapped in a quesadilla inside an enigma. Quarantined to one store in Oklahoma City.