A new breakthrough technique to help our numero-uno malapropmeister memorize the monikers of other countries -- "Ice" Cuba, "Killer" Wales, "Wig" Guam and dozens more!
Topics: Entertainment News
OK, so President Bush’s first 100-or-so days haven’t exactly been a stellar lesson in diplomacy. In fact, in this brief period, foreign relations have already cooled to pre-Clintonian frigidity. This as tensions have increased between Washington and Moscow (for them spying on us), Beijing (for us spying on them) and with the rest of the world (for our ignoring the Kyoto Treaty and generally acting like a bunch of smug, silver-spoon-born oil thugs).
It doesn’t help any that the denizens of other nations — hell, even most Americans — doubt that Dubya could name the capital of France, let alone dictate a competent foreign policy. Indeed, one of the major stumbling blocks he hit on the campaign trail came when he was hard-pressed to name dignitaries and heads-of-state of other countries, his across-the-table peers-to-be in the global political arena.
One skill that the president does seem to possess is doling out “clever” nicknames to those people he encounters regularly, including his family (his wife, first lady Laura Bush, is “First”), Cabinet members (Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld is “Rummy,” Secretary of State Colin Powell is “Balloonfoot”), journalists in the White House press corps (New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd is “Cobra”), key figures on Capitol Hill (House Speaker Dennis Hastert is “Speak”) and even those pesky foreign heads-of-state whose names he can’t remember (Russian president Vladimir Putin is “Ostrich Legs”).
Well, perhaps by harnessing this “talent,” there might be a simple way to comfortably ease President Bush into the circle of nations, a method as elementary as a political “Hooked on Phonics.”
Call it the Chris Berman-ization of international politics, after the ESPN broadcaster who also likes to give creative nicknames to athletes on the highlight parade. If Berman can dub players Derek “Liberty” Bell or Jose “Can You See” Canseco, why wouldn’t there be room for “Swinging” Chad or “Mary Tyler” Mauritania?
Not only will this mnemonic device dramatically reduce potentially embarrassing Bushian malapropisms and help us surreptitiously steer clear of impending international incidents, but it could also foster better relations with our fellow nations. What international leader’s heart would not be warmed were Dubya to affectionately refer to his or her state by a nickname (like “Edgar Allen” Poland) in a press conference, as opposed to some stodgy ol’ “federated republic of whatever”?
We all just might sleep better at night, too.
The following 50 nicknames should help the president begin to find his mark on the world stage:
“You’ve Got” Mali
“Help Me” Rwanda
“Milk of” Malaysia
“Seven-Up, The” Angola
“Rubber” Czech Republic
“Jacket and” Thailand
“Tea for” Tunisia
Ghana “Get a Witness?”
“Sir Thomas” Malawi
“The Cat’s” Macau
“East of” Sweden
“Ebony and” Ivory Coast
“Night of the” Botswana
“Thurgood” Marshall Islands
“Things I” Haiti “About You”
“Have You Ever Been Ex” Syria
“Less Talk” Morocco
“When It Rains, It” Singapore
Libya? “I Hardly Know Her”
“Two Big Macs” Togo
“I Promise I’ll” Palau
“Martina Navra” Moldova
More Related Stories
- How Dan Savage lost it
- Nancy Jo Sales on L.A. celeb robbers: "The Bling Ring kids were depressed"
- “Arrested Development,” hurry up and get here so you can stop being so annoying
- Must-do's: What we like this week
- Josh Ritter makes his "Blood on the Tracks"
- I don't hate millennials anymore!
- What's 2013's "Gone Girl"? Here are this summer's best reads
- Fox executive behind "Does Someone Have to Go?" leaving the network
- Hillary Clinton memoir shows up on Amazon
- A brief history of Jennifer Weiner's literary fights
- First look: Joaquin Phoenix, Marion Cotillard shine in "The Immigrant”
- No women allowed: Summer music festivals are dudefests, again
- Vivica A. Fox tapes anti-gun PSA in front of poster for her movie
- This is what Guy Fieri looks like as a balloon
- Mariah Carey's rambling, cursing, dress-popping "Good Morning America" concert
- Fox's new reality TV show threatens regular people with unemployment
- Amanda Bynes arrested after hurling bong from window
- Steamy lesbian-sex movie has Cannes abuzz
- Stop what you're doing and go watch "Borgen"
- Teenage girl claims she was beaten up for looking like Taylor Swift
- Mike Judge: "Bowling for Columbine" made me pro-gun
Featured Slide Shows
The week in 10 picsclose X
- 1 of 11
Lisa Montgomery embraces her nephew Thursday after a tornado tore apart her home in Cleburne, Texas. The twister killed six people and destroyed entire swaths of the North Texas town.
Credit: AP/LM Otero
Jack McMahon, the defense attorney for abortion doctor Kermit Gosnell, speaks outside the Criminal Justice Center in Philadelphia Tuesday. His client was convicted of killing three babies in his clinic, and will serve multiple life sentences.
Credit: AP/Matt Rourke
A photo taken Monday captures Vice President Joe Biden's response to a Milwaukee second-grader's innovative proposal to end America's epidemic of gun violence. This guy!
Credit: AP/Jenny Aicher
Sen. Rand Paul, R-Ky., flanked by a grouper-eyed Michele Bachmann, addresses the IRS' admission that it targeted Tea Party groups in advance of the 2012 election. In an op-ed for CNN Thursday, the Kentucky senator slammed the president for his faux outrage.
Credit: AP/Molly Riley
Ousted IRS chief Steven Miller is sworn in on Capitol Hill Friday. Miller testified before the House Ways and Means Committee on the extra scrutiny the agency gave conservative groups applying for tax-exempt status.
Credit: AP/J. Scott Applewhite
Attorney General Eric Holder pauses as he testifies on Capitol Hill before the House Judiciary Committee Wednesday. Holder is under fire, among other things, for the Justice Department's gathering of phone records at the Associated Press.
Credit: AP/Carolyn Kaster
O.J. Simpson sits during an evidentiary hearing at Clark County District Court in Las Vegas, Nev., Thursday. Simpson, who is currently serving a nine-to-33-year sentence in state prison for armed robbery and kidnapping, is using a writ of habeas corpus to seek a new trial.
Credit: AP/Las Vegas Review-Journal/Jeff Scheid
Major Tom to ground control: On Sunday astronaut Chris Hadfield recorded the first music video from space, a cover of David Bowie's "Space Oddity."
Credit: AP/NASA/Chris Hadfield
When it rains it pours. President Barack Obama speaks during a news conference Thursday with Turkish Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan, inexplicably inspiring an #umbrellagate Twitter meme.
Credit: AP/Jacquelyn Martin
A smoke plume rises high above a road block at the intersection of County A and Ross Road east of Solon Springs, Wis., Tuesday. No injuries were reported, but the the wildfire caused evacuations across northwestern Wisconsin.
Credit: AP/The Duluth News-Tribune/Clint Austin
Recent Slide Shows
- 1 of 11