2014's fast food atrocities
Burger King's black cheeseburger: Made with squid ink and bamboo charcoal, arguably a symbol of meat's destructive effect on the planet. Only available in Japan.
If you’re like most people, you’ve often stopped in the middle of your workday and asked yourself, “Gee, I wonder what Joan Rivers smells like?”
Oh, sure, we all know she herself has a particularly acute sniffer, leading her to gripe about the personal hygiene habits of stars like Russell Crowe. But what kind of waft does the fashion-focused lady give off herself?
Now Rivers has answered this age-old question by introducing her new perfume: Now & Forever.
At an intimate kickoff held last week in Rivers’ own deeee-luxe New York apartment (gilding, dog sculptures, skinny-legged silk settees …), I took a spritz on the wrist for the sake of us all.
And? Not at all the grandmotherly Emeraude-ish scent I expected. Lighter. Very floral. A slightly more sophisticated version of the Lily of the Valley perfume my sister favored in high school.
According to the press materials, “It had to be totally modern, yet truly timeless, so that it would capture Joan’s sense of optimism … for now and forever.”
Um … OK. All I know is that once I smelled like Joan, her lap dog Lulu made a beeline for me, presenting me with his (her?) gold bone and barking for attention. (Arf! Can we tawk?) Never mind the fact that his/her mistress herself was standing directly next to me, explaining the fine points of her new hairdo.
The new do (which I can’t tell from the old do, but what do I know?) requires Rivers to wax each strand individually. It now takes her forever to get herself ready in the morning.
Which is maybe where the perfume got its name.
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V. heartfelt plea for literacy
“Read more Joyce.”
– Graffito scribbled on a poster for “Bridget Jones’s Diary” in a London tube station, noted by the Times of London.
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That’s Mrs. Material Girl to you: Madonna has officially changed the name on her American Express card to Mrs. Madonna Louise Ciccone Ritchie. “I think she likes being called Mrs. Ritchie,” Madonna spokeswoman Liz Rosenberg tells the New York Daily News. So remember that next time you see her.
A little bit country, but which one? Current U.K. media darling Donny Osmond has told a Welsh newspaper that his family has traced its roots to South Wales. “I don’t know a lot about Wales,” he said. “But from what I hear the Welsh are pretty good singers and everybody says that’s where we get it from.” But one local griped to the U.K. Sun, “The Welsh have had enough bad publicity … without being blamed for the Osmonds too.” Hardly a Wales of a welcome.
Harold may soon have a whole new set of fantasies to conjure with the help of his purple crayon. According to the Hollywood Reporter, Sharon Stone has signed on to narrate an animated HBO series based on the kids’ classic “Harold and the Purple Crayon.” No word on who’s playing Harold, and whether he’s familiar with Stone’s oeuvre.
In case you were wondering whether John Mellencamp and Stephen King are still collaborating on that stage musical, the answer is … yup. (A little ditty about Jack and Diane and … Carrie?) “I’ve got about eight songs written,” Mellencamp tells USA Today. “And Steve’s story is so cool — I don’t think Broadway has ever seen a story like this.” I’ll bet.
Penélope Cruz … or is it Snuz? The Spanish actress says she loves to sleep. Can’t get enough of the stuff. And we’re not talking about an occasional siesta. We’re talking nappage of Rip van Winkle proportions. “If I don’t sleep I have a really bad temper,” she tells Empire Online. “My record is 18 hours.” But for those six hours she was awake, she was on fire.
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Miss something? Read yesterday’s Nothing Personal.
Domino's Specialty Chicken: It's like regular pizza, except instead of a crust, there's fried chicken. The company's marketing officer calls it "one of the most creative, innovative menu items we have ever had” -- brain power put to good use.
KFC'S ZINGER DOUBLE DOWN KING: A sandwich made by adding a burger patty to the infamous chicken-instead-of-buns creation can only be described using all caps. NO BUN ALL MEAT. Only available in South Korea.
Taco Bell's Waffle Taco: It took two years for Taco Bell to develop this waffle folded in the shape of a taco, the stand-out star of its new breakfast menu.
Krispy Kreme Triple Cheeseburger: Only attendees at the San Diego County Fair were given the opportunity to taste the official version of this donut-hamburger-heart attack combo. The rest of America has reasonable odds of not dropping dead tomorrow.
Taco Bell's Quesarito: A burrito wrapped in a quesadilla inside an enigma. Quarantined to one store in Oklahoma City.