Football
It leave me
The XFL belongs to the ages now, and we're left with only our memories, if we can remember any.
I can’t believe the XFL is gone. I grew up with that league. What have they done to my memories?
Remember how we got up close and personal with the players? And the cheerleaders. Huh? Huh? You know what I’m talking about. Remember those intimate halftime conversations we got to eavesdrop on? We’d hear the coach say, “OK, guys, let’s go!” and a player say, “Where’s my other shoe?” You don’t get that kind of insider stuff with any old sports league.
Remember that guy who had “He Hate Me” on the back of his jersey? He was my favorite player on the … uh, whatever team he was on. I don’t know if I can do without the sporting wisdom of Gov. Jesse Ventura every week. Or that guy with the cowboy hat. And Vince McMahon! What will we do without Vince McMahon on TV anymore?
Are we Xpected to just forget about our favorite teams? How will we replace the Xcitement in our lives? What will National Engineers Week be every February without that traditional Los Angeles Xtreme-Memphis Maniax game? Is there one among you who hasn’t lived and died with one team or the other in the XFL’s Mafia Bowl, the Chicago Enforcers vs. the New York-New Jersey-Rhode Island-New Mexico-Connecticut-South Dakota-Florida Hitmen?
Who can forget Saturday nights spent in front of the TV, sitting down to watch a Birmingham Thunderbolts-Orlando Rage tilt, then being distracted by a “Brady Bunch” marathon over on Nickelodeon and missing the second and third quarters, and then switching back and forth between the fourth quarter and that lost-in-the-Grand Canyon episode? Remember? Huh? You know what I’m talking about.
Memories.
I remember going to a San Francisco Demons game against the Maniax with my dad. When I heard that the World Wrestling Federation had pulled the plug on the league I called him up, because the XFL is all about fathers and sons. “Remember that playoff game we went to, Dad?” I said, trying not to let him hear the catch in my throat. “Remember how you put your hands on my shoulders and guided me through the crowd after the game was over?”
And my dad said, “Remember it? It was two months ago, you idiot. And I had to guide you through the crowd because you were drunk off your ass like usual. Now leave me alone. I’m watching ‘Surprise Wedding 2.’ How did you get this number?”
Gone. All gone. I can’t believe it. I don’t know if I can subsist on the meager football offerings that remain. Sure, there’s the NFL, but that only goes from August to the end of January. Aside from that there’s only arena football and NFL Europe and the Canadian Football League and college football. It’s a drought. I mean, there are more reality TV shows than there are football leagues now, and we all know there aren’t nearly enough reality TV shows.
But I’m not bitter. I’m not mad. I might have had a bad break with this XFL folding, but I’ve got an awful lot to live for. As I contemplate the demise of my beloved commercially unviable sporting enterprise, the words of that “He Hate Me” guy, or whoever it was, ring in my ears. He spoke for me when he said, “Today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth.”
King Kaufman is a senior writer for Salon. You can e-mail him at king at salon dot com. Facebook / Twitter / Tumblr More King Kaufman.
Can Tebow find salvation?
Updated: After losing his job in Denver, evangelicals' favorite jock faces an uncertain future in New York.
Tim Tebow (Credit: Reuters/Rick WIlking) [UPDATED BELOW]
You don’t need to be an evangelical Christian to care about the future of Tim Tebow. I’m a lapsed atheist myself. But with the resurrection of quarterback Peyton Manning in Denver, I wonder most about the future of the spiritual scrambler, who led the Broncos to the playoffs last year.
The Broncos signing Manning to replace Tebow is a no-brainer. He may be diminished by age and injury, but he is also the best quarterback of our time, not because he is a brilliant coach’s puppet (Tom Brady) or an on-field, off-field brute (Ben Roethlisberger) but by virtue of a fierce work ethic and a concentrated intelligence that is contagious and inspirational. Whatever is left at age 35 of him will make the Broncos better.
Continue Reading CloseRobert Lipsyte is a former New York Times sports columnist. His new memoir, "An Accidental Sportswriter," has just been published. More Robert Lipsyte.
The Super Bowl is not a job creator
Despite what civic boosters say, hosting the big game provides few long-term benefits
(Credit: AP/Michael Conroy) Roger Goodell, the commissioner of the National Football League, argued on “60 Minutes” last Sunday that the NFL is one professional organization designed to appeal to the economic interests of the little guy: Its revenue-sharing model, he said, gives a fighting chance to squads from Green Bay and Buffalo as well as to those from large media markets like New York, Los Angeles and Boston.
On the eve of the Super Bowl, Goodell was touting the familiar idea that the sport’s biggest game is a boon to economic development. But with the cost of a ticket now averaging $3,982 and 30-second television spots selling for $3.5 million, the Super Bowl can appear to be more an occasion for ostentatious excess than an engine of development.
Continue Reading CloseAlexander Heffner is a freelance journalist whose writing has appeared in the New York Times, Washington Post, and Boston Globe. More Alexander Heffner.
Political lessons from this year’s Super Bowl
From jobs to health care, football's big game illustrates the factors that will dominate the 2012 election
New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady (Credit: AP Photo/Elise Amendola) Most Americans won’t need a justification to watch Sunday’s game, but if you’re a Salon reader you might think, even in passing, that celebrating the holiest day of violence, consumerism and class warfare on your couch is a betrayal of your values or a waste of your time. You might even imagine that it would be better to take a hike, read a book or meditate.
Not this Sunday, buster. It’s an election season. You need to watch this game to fully understand how jobs, religion, leadership and healthcare dominate every American contest.
Continue Reading CloseRobert Lipsyte is a former New York Times sports columnist. His new memoir, "An Accidental Sportswriter," has just been published. More Robert Lipsyte.
Enjoy the game? For the true fan, it’s all about agony
The New York Giants are in the Super Bowl. But for one obsessive, the question is what time to take the Ativan
Ohio State football fans (Credit: AP) “The truth is,” Nick Hornby wrote in “Fever Pitch,” his book about his obsession with Arsenal and British football, “for alarmingly large chunks of an average day, I am a moron.”
That’s a wonderful sentence by one of my favorite writers, but if Hornby is only a moron for only large chunks of the average day, he is doing a lot better than I am. I can honestly report that for the last few months I have been an absolute idiot for all but very small portions of the day.
Continue Reading CloseTed Heller's latest novel, "Pocket Kings," will be published in March. He is also the author of the novels "Slab Rat" and "Funnymen." More Ted Heller.
Small blunders kill Super Bowl dreams
For fans of the 49ers and Ravens, the road to the big game is paved with pain
Kyle Williams loses it Just when it looked like the NFC and AFC championship games were going to last until the Super Bowl, two fatal blunders brought them to an abrupt close. The stunning conclusions to two of the most tense, evenly matched conference championship games in recent memory were a painful reminder that although football is a team game, one miscue by a single player can wipe out thousands of hours of collective blood, sweat and tears.
It will be a sad and lonely night for Baltimore Ravens’ kicker Billy Cundiff, whose shanked chip-shot 32-yarder gave the AFC championship to the New England Patriots. Kickers must have strong mental constitutions: in a sport where bonds between teammates are cemented in blood and pain, they are not always regarded as full-fledged comrades to begin with, and so when they screw up, it’s even harder for them to deal with. The mantra “short memory,” which defensive backs are constantly shouting at each other, applies in spades to kickers. Cundiff could use a tall glass of Milk of Amnesia.
Continue Reading CloseGary Kamiya is a Salon contributing writer. More Gary Kamiya.
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