Books
“I Only Say This Because I Love You” by Deborah Tannen
The author of "You Just Don't Understand" turns her eagle eye on the stinging, maddening, sneaky ways that family members communicate.
Deborah Tannen is the professor of linguistics who gave a scientific imprimatur to the “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” idea in the bestselling “You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation.” Since then, she’s tackled the world of business-speak in “Talking From 9 to 5″ and taken a shot at our overly confrontational public conversational style in “The Argument Culture.” In her new book, “I Only Say This Because I Love You,” Tannen returns to her bread and butter: how people talk to each other in their intimate relationships. This time, she’s concerned with how families, especially parents and their adult children, communicate — or, more often, fail miserably to communicate, leaving battle scars where comforting bonds should be.
How to get along with the family is a problem that has launched countless blueprint-for-life self-help franchises. Like most of Tannen’s books, this one is clearly aimed at that market — it’s got a strong whiff of the cheery, studiously inoffensive, bullet-pointed formula about it. But that doesn’t mean that the wisdom in it is banal.
Tannen’s conclusions are based on carefully gathered empirical evidence and sound linguistic principles — and lest we forget that she’s not some self-appointed expert, she lets us see bits of her transcriptions and analyses of thousands of hours of tape-recorded conversations, showing us her painstaking method at work. And while Tannen will never be celebrated for elevating the self-help genre to something approaching the literary — check out Peter Kramer’s improbably elegant “Should You Leave?” if you don’t think that can be done — she does succeed in passing on some impressive, eminently useful insights into the kinds of wounds, dilemmas and impasses that have kept novelists in business for centuries.
So what if you have to wade through some painfully predictable metaphors (the family is a “pressure cooker in which relationships roil”; “the seeds of family love” sometimes “yield a harvest of criticism and judgment”) to get to the point. And so what if the names she invents to protect the identity of her study subjects tend toward the fossilized: Dick, Sally, Betty. Tannen’s central idea, and the way the book illustrates it in action, are worth it: When we talk to people close to us, we give and receive not only “messages,” the literal meaning of whatever words are spoken, but also “metamessages,” which communicate to us something about the relationship between the two speakers. That’s where we get into trouble when we talk to family members.
The book’s title captures a classic example of these dual levels at work: A mother who precedes a statement to her grown daughter with “I only say this because I love you” is getting ready to say something that the daughter will interpret as intrusive and critical, but that the mother will see as an attempt to help. Tannen quotes one women who says that whenever she hears that phrase from her own mother, “I know she’s going to tell me I’m fat.”
The mother thinks she’s expressing love and concern for her daughter’s health or well-being, but the daughter hears something more like “There’s something wrong with you.” The same goes for statements disguised as questions, such as “Do you really need another piece of cake?” or “Did you notice they also have salmon?” — asked by a wife who claims she’s “just watching out for” her husband. Many examples of weighted phrases Tannen points out are so automatic that we probably don’t even hear ourselves saying them. A seemingly innocent “I’m counting on you,” for example, sends the message that the request needs special reinforcement because the person being asked to pitch in cannot really be trusted.
Families are inherently hierarchical, and family members’ pecking order inevitably turns these seemingly innocuous messages into fightin’ words. Tannen calls this the “control continuum”: Equality among all family members is an ideal that can never be reached, and family members use their positions to jostle for the right to make demands and have them met. A woman in her late 20s is preparing Thanksgiving dinner for her family. As she gets together the ingredients, her mother asks, “Oh, you put onions in the stuffing?” The daughter explodes, accusing her mother of criticizing everything she does. The mother retorts, “I just asked a question. What’s got into you? I can’t even open my mouth.”
Who’s right? Well, both. The daughter is overreacting to a small comment, but the mother did imply a lack of confidence in the daughter’s ability to handle the dinner — as the person higher up in the hierarchy, the mother’s words carry extra weight. Most children want approval from parents, no matter how old they are. Tannen’s advice to parents is to accept that they have to act to some degree “like guests” in their adult children’s homes, but that they should think of that not as stifling themselves but as “acknowledging the special power you have as parents and choosing to wield it with discretion.”
Alongside the “control continuum” is the “connection continuum.” Family members have to figure out the right balance between closeness and distance –feeling “protected and safe” but not “overwhelmed and suffocated.” The two continuums frequently overlap, which is what makes it hard to decipher all the metamessages at play in a conversation. Often, what you may think is a gesture of connection (“Wait, I want to come with you, but I won’t be ready for half an hour”) can come across to the other person as a power move (“You may be eager to get going, but I’m going to make you wait”).
As in all of Tannen’s books, there are a lot of pointers in “I Only Say This” that sound like they could, if followed, actually help people get along better. “Pay attention to metamessages” is Tannen’s main piece of advice, and whenever possible “metacommunicate”: Be as explicit as possible about what you want to communicate to the other person. (What Tannen doesn’t acknowledge is that that requires knowing exactly what you want from other people, which is another skill entirely.) Don’t say “I’m counting on you,” say “I’m not completely confident that you’ll do it,” and the ensuing conversation will have a whole different tenor.
And keep in mind that “living together means coordinating so many tasks that it’s inevitable that family members will have different ideas about how to perform those tasks.” If you think your way is better, don’t have an argument, make an argument — string together coherent thoughts that attempt to bring the other person around to your point of view. But realize that the person may simply not care about the same things you do, and you may have to let some things go. In general, the book’s many examples suggest that those hostility-tinged rhetorical questions that don’t really allow for a dignified answer — “What are you, crazy?” “So I’m just like a stranger to you, then?” “What did I just say?” — are always a bad idea and should be purged immediately from your repertoire.
Tannen is also big on apologizing, which, she concedes, is something women care deeply about but men tend to strenuously avoid. Just do it, she says, in a chapter cleverly titled “I’m Sorry, I’m Not Apologizing.” She doesn’t subscribe to the view that women apologize too much, thereby conveying a lack of self-confidence. She thinks that apologies “work their magic in myriad ways,” including getting the person you’re apologizing to to admit his own fault.
There are also ways to get the same effect without the ritual humiliation that men seem to think an apology entails. Focusing on the effect of the action rather than on the intention — “I’m sorry it turned out that way” rather than “I’m sorry for what I did” — can be one solution. (It did seem to work when the U.S. tried it during the recent spy plane impasse with China: “I’m sorry for the death of the pilot” — though that seemed a bit weaselly, too). She also suggests explaining rather than excusing your actions: “An excuse is an explanation that implies you didn’t do anything wrong; because you had a good reason, it wasn’t your fault, or someone else made you do it. But an explanation that does not evade responsibility can be an effective element of a good apology.”
Every once in a while Tannen dips her toe into some deeper philosophical waters, as when she concludes the book with Spanish writer José Ortega y Gasset’s idea of “exuberance” and “deficiency”: Everything we say is exuberant in that it conveys even more than we could have consciously planned to put there. Yet it’s also deficient in that there’s so much we yearn to say to other people that we never can. It’s especially true, and especially poignant, when it comes to the people in our families. One seemingly modest but potentially life-changing gift we can give them, then, is to try out Tannen’s style of careful, good-humored attention to the ways talking connects us.
Maria Russo has been a writer and editor at The Los Angeles Times, The New York Observer and Salon, and is a regular contributor to the New York Times Book Review. More Maria Russo.
“People Who Eat Darkness”: The disappearing blonde
A true crime story set in Tokyo illuminates the complicated truths behind media cliches
Joji Obara and Lucie Blackman (Credit: Estate of Lucie Jane Blackman) Lucie Blackman, 21, went out for the afternoon in 2000, phoning her roommate and best friend Louise to arrange a meeting later that night. Lucie never showed up, and within a few days she’d become one of those vanished blondes whose fates fuel headlines and hours of speculative media coverage. She was British, a former flight attendant, and she and Louise were living in Tokyo. They were also bar hostesses, a profession with a very specific meaning in Japan, difficult to explain to foreigners and not entirely clear to the Japanese themselves. Lucie both did and didn’t match the classic Missing Blonde profile, and for a while the mystery of what happened to her threatened to lapse into permanent obscurity.
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Laura Miller is a senior writer for Salon. She is the author of "The Magician's Book: A Skeptic's Adventures in Narnia" and has a Web site, magiciansbook.com. More Laura Miller.
Corporate criminals gone wild
The maker of the documentary film "Inside Job" has a new book excoriating Wall Street -- and President Obama
A detail from the cover of "Predator Nation" “Inside Job,” Charles Ferguson’s Oscar-winning documentary film on how government, Wall Street and academia colluded to deliver us the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression, made a powerful case that something was very very rotten at the heart of the American political/economic nexus. His follow-up book, “Predator Nation: Corporate Criminals, Political Corruption, and the Hijacking of America,” can be considered the legal brief that dots every “i” and crosses every “t” in his argument. A tightly argued, profusely footnoted and deeply enraged castigation of everyone involved, “Predator Nation” isn’t just a factually unchallengeable account of how Wall Street blew up the global economy. It’s a denunciation, a call for justice and a warning: After getting away with the crime of the century, Wall Street still isn’t satisfied.
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Andrew Leonard is a staff writer at Salon. On Twitter, @koxinga21. More Andrew Leonard.
Can you identify?
Science shows that the only way around some readers' prejudices is to trick them
(Credit: Shutterstock/Salon) The news of recent research documenting how readers identify with the main characters in stories has mostly been taken as confirmation of the value of literary role models. Lisa Libby, an assistant professor at Ohio State University and co-author of a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, explained that subjects who read a short story in which the protagonist overcomes obstacles in order to vote were more likely to vote themselves several days later.
The suggestibility of readers isn’t news. Johann Wolfgang von Goethe’s novel of a sensitive young man destroyed by unrequited love, “The Sorrows of Young Werther,” inspired a rash of suicides by would-be Werthers in the late 1700s. Jack Kerouac has launched a thousand road trips. Still, this is part of science’s job: Running empirical tests on common knowledge — if for no other reason than because common knowledge (and common sense) is often wrong.
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Laura Miller is a senior writer for Salon. She is the author of "The Magician's Book: A Skeptic's Adventures in Narnia" and has a Web site, magiciansbook.com. More Laura Miller.
“The Aleppo Codex”: The bizarre history of a precious book
A reporter traces the shadowy fate of the definitive version of the Hebrew Bible
Matti Friedman An ancient and priceless book, a murky history of evasions and coverups, an underground of sinister and possibly violent dealers, a former spy who drops tantalizing hints and a wily 84-year-old millionaire who says stuff like, “The problem with this story is that it could damage your health”: Are these the ingredients for a cheesy, improbable historical thriller? Yet “The Aleppo Codex,” Matti Friedman’s account of his attempts to learn the history of one of the world’s most precious books, sports all of these assets, and it’s nonfiction. If reporting this story damaged Friedman’s health, it probably happened when he realized what he’d stumbled into and his reporter’s heart started beating in doubletime.
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Laura Miller is a senior writer for Salon. She is the author of "The Magician's Book: A Skeptic's Adventures in Narnia" and has a Web site, magiciansbook.com. More Laura Miller.
Augusten Burroughs: Conquer trauma by letting it go
Salon exclusive: The best-selling memoirist says past horrors haunt us because we think about them too much. Stop
Augusten Burroughs Many people continue to feel influenced and even controlled by the things that happened to them a long time ago. Sometimes, people harbor dark, traumatic memories from childhood. Or fragments of memories — incomplete scenes, uncomfortable feelings, perhaps even a sense of certainty that something specific and terrible happened to them, but little more than this.
Others experienced something traumatic in adulthood that continues to affect them day to day many years later. Maybe an assault has left a person afraid to leave their home or enter a particular neighborhood.
Continue Reading CloseAugusten Burroughs' many books include "Runnning With Scissors," "Dry," "Sellevision," "Magical Thinking" and "Possible Side Effects." His latest book is "This Is How." More Augusten Burroughs.
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