Paul Shirley
Every damn sports show at the same time
It's news! It's chat! It's recipes and jewelry tips and bimbonics and fat-cheerleader jokes! Welcome to the frat-house hangout zone of "The Best Damn Sports Show, Period."
Picture a clueless traveler adrift in a foreign land where nobody speaks his language.
Now picture me sitting in front of the TV watching Fox Sports Net’s “Best Damn Sports Show, Period.”
Oui, oui, I have no idea what anybody is talking about. The more I watch, the more I feel it. I’m like one of those guys who, having grown weary of supercilious accusations of xenophobia, visits a foreign country for the first time and finds himself wallet- and trouserless in a back alley.
But that’s just me … and perhaps a few others like me. As co-host Tom Arnold has said, “If you’re a critic of the show, the headline is right there for you … ‘The Worst Damn Sports Show …’ It’s all been said before.” Like most things self-consciously crude and lowbrow, “The Best Damn Sports Show, Period” has become a respectable hit since its launch last July, having steadily attracted more viewers each month after expanding to a two-hour format in December. According to the Hollywood Reporter, the show is also a big hit with advertisers, and accounts for the 10 percent net gain in Fox Sports Net’s ad revenue last year.
Part of this hybrid newsmagazine/talk show’s success with the ad people is no doubt due to the 1950s-style insertion of products into the programming. One of the show’s newest sponsors, Mike’s Hard Lemonade, has set up a little stand in the corner of the set, adding a quaint, frat-boy version of “Hints From Heloise” segment to the program. Did you know you can mix Mike’s Hard Lemonade with Mike’s Hard Ice Tea to create a drink named after some golfer? Now you do. Outback Steakhouse has also graciously provided beef to be consumed onstage.
The show is billed as Fox’s answer to ESPN’s “SportsCenter,” and although it’s unclear who posed the question in the first place, it’s still a good answer, ratings-wise. Whether “Best Damn” (“Damn Sports”? “Sports Show”? “Show Period”?) lives up to its name is a matter of taste, but that it is more, um, assertive than other shows of its genre is undeniable. Co-hosted by Chris Rose, the show is far more “real guy, real guy talk”-oriented than its ESPN counterpart, and it clearly likes it that way. In fact, “Damn Sports” makes abundantly clear what it thinks of the more “highbrow” comedy-sports cocktails that have been essayed recently, notably Dennis Miller’s short-lived association with “Monday Night Football.”
Fox Sports president Tracy Dolgin has said that “Sports Show” is the result of trying to create a more “Fox-like” sports franchise than some of the Net’s failed past efforts. But after watching a few episodes and a highlights tape, the show strikes me as far more genial and civilized than, say, “The O’Reilly Factor.” Again, this may just be because I don’t speak the language, or maybe it’s because I was expecting “The Man Show” with balls. (Comparatively speaking, the bikini bimbonics are kept to a minimum here.)
Still, what I have perceived as a relative gentility may simply be a factor of co-host Tom Arnold’s temporary absence from the installments I caught. (Arnold was off shooting a movie, but did occasionally call in to the show to kid guest host Will Sasso, of “Mad TV,” about his weight.) Rose and other guest hosts, such as former Major League player Steve “Psycho” Lyons, former NFL player D’Marco Farr, former NBA player John Salley and leggy news-babe Lisa Guerrero don’t exactly come off like rabid Fox dogs. They all seem to enjoy each other’s company. When Guerrero pitches in with, “I agree with Psycho!” everyone nods happily and the audience applauds.
In fact, aside from the occasional fat-cheerleader sketch, “Sports Show” is mostly reminiscent of “The View.” (In the fat-cheerleader sketch, in case you are wondering, a cheerleader complains, while gnawing on a turkey drumstick, that her team’s new weight regulations don’t make sense.
“The team is called the Buffaloes, OK? Hello!”
Rose nods and asks, “What’s next for you? Are you going to make weight?”
“You’re damn right I’m going to make weight,” she ripostes. “Thanks for reminding me!” Sticks finger down throat.)
Yes, fat jokes are a staple on “The Best Damn Sports Show, Period” — as are jokes about the hotness of Anna Kournikova, the fiduciary nature of Tiger Woods’ girlfriend’s attraction to him, white men who can’t jump and so-bad-they’re-inoffensive jokes about the Washington Redskins (scalpers, boy were their faces red, etc.).
But there are tender moments. Guerrero says things like, “There are a lot of misconceptions about [San Francisco Giants outfielder Barry] Bonds that people are going to want to hear about. He’s awesome!” Sometimes, the boys sit around and talk about the things that matter to them — like when Lyons weighs in on Mets’ shortstop Rey Ordóñez’s recent errors and relates his own psychological battles with the ball. Then former Dallas Cowboys star and scandal-magnet Michael Irvin declares, “There’s nothing more fragile than an athlete’s psyche!”
Also fun, in a just-visiting sort of way, is watching the boys fawn over 6-foot-9, 300-pound Minnesota Vikings draft pick Bryant McKinnie. They admire his small glacier of a diamond stud earring, stroke his braids and scold each other for not getting to the subject of football sooner — before impetuously asking whether McKinnie has his underwear tailor-made.
Even if Fox intended to present this show as the real man’s alternative to ESPN’s effete “witty” repartee, it comes across as achingly earnest. When someone asks the question, “In a four-corner cage match between the Rock, Jet Li, Ray Lewis and the Portland Trailblazers — who would win?” it takes me right back to when I was 8, and my 6-year-old brother would pelt me with similar queries. (Of course, back then, he was thinking more along the lines of Evel Knievel, the Six Million Dollar Man, Muhammad Ali and the Fonz. And sometimes, I’m not sure why, he wanted to know whether I would rather freeze to death or fry to death.)
Perhaps most notably, “Best Damn etc.” is either entirely unencumbered by format, or encumbered by so many formats as to be rendered unclassifiable. Maybe over on HBO they are trying to score points for originality, but elsewhere they are sending in the clones. A successful format the show has seen is a successful format the show has adopted. In this way, “The Best Damn Sports Show, Period” is an excellent example of the strange Möbius-strip shape TV has taken on lately. Start with “The View” and throw in some of “America’s Funniest Sports Videos,” a “Daily Show”-style newscast, a few comedy sketches in the “SNL” mold (largely unfunny) and a couple of celebrity guests, and even if you’re watching alone, you’re spending the evening in front of the TV with your buddies on TV.
But this conflation of superheroes, this quorum of stars gathered in a mock living room much like (hey!) your own is, essentially, what the “The Best Damn Sports Show, Period” is all about — real guys, real guy talk, real superstar athletes who act just like regular guys, quaffing a brew, grilling a steak, making the sponsors happy, making the viewers feel like part of the team. You may not be able to claim you’ve never allowed a sack in your entire career, but you can eat at the local Outback Steakhouse pretty much whenever. It’s mirror TV — even if the mirror is slightly distorted to make it look as though you, too, can hang out with the Rock and blow smoke up his ass like it’s just another day in celebrity-land for you. And if you spend two hours in front of “The Best Damn Sports Show, Period” every night, then, damn, I guess it is.
Carina Chocano writes about TV for Salon. She is the author of "Do You Love Me or Am I Just Paranoid?" (Villard). More Carina Chocano.
Media turns to disaster porn to keep an audience
Cable news would rather discuss Haiti's natural disaster than its man-made one
Brian Williams The black T-shirt — so tight, so come-hither. And oh, those safari button-downs — joke-worthy on Eddie Bauer mannequins, but on news correspondents, so … enticing.
America missed these sartorial seductions, pined for their sweet suggestive nothings. And now, finally, a nation of television addicts can thank its disaster pornographers for bringing back the lurid garments — and the lustful voyeurism they evoke.
Yes, thousands of miles from the San Fernando Valley’s seedy studios, the adult entertainment business is alive and panting in Haiti. This year’s luminaries aren’t the industry’s typical muscle-bound mustaches of machismo — they are NBC’s Brian Williams pillow-talking to the camera in his Indiana Jones garb, CNN’s Sanjay Gupta playing doctor and, of course, CNN’s Anderson Cooper in that two-sizes-too-small T-shirt “rarely missing an opportunity to showcase his buff physique,” as The New York Times gushed. They are all the disaster porn stars in the media with visions of Peabodys and Pulitzers dancing in their heads.
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David Sirota is a best-selling author of the new book "Back to Our Future: How the 1980s Explain the World We Live In Now." He hosts the morning show on AM760 in Colorado. E-mail him at ds@davidsirota.com, follow him on Twitter @davidsirota or visit his website at www.davidsirota.com. More David Sirota.
The view from the Port-au-Prince airport
My grand tour of the least glamorous of the Caribbean islands: Hispaniola. Plus: Landing without "radar" in Haiti
This GeoEye-1 satellite image taken from 423 miles in space at 1037 am EST (1537 GMT) January 16, 2010, shows Port-au-Prince International Airport with multiple aircrafts, supplies and personnel on the ground. World leaders have pledged massive assistance to rebuild Haiti after the earthquake killed as many as 200,000 people, but five days into the crisis aid distribution was still random, chaotic and minimal. REUTERS/GeoEye Satellite Image/Handout (HAITI - Tags: DISASTER ENVIRONMENT) FOR EDITORIAL USE ONLY. NOT FOR SALE FOR MARKETING OR ADVERTISING CAMPAIGNS(Credit: Reuters) Hispaniola, 1999.
“Sorry, no, it’s too dangerous,” says the driver.
“Um. OK.” To the best of my knowledge and experience, Port-au-Prince is the only place in the world where a cabby will refuse a $20 bill to take a pilot into town for a quick tour. Where else, I don’t know. Maybe Monrovia or Freetown during the wars there?
I’m in Haiti for 90 minutes, on a two-stop turn out of Miami. I was awake before dawn to the roar of the air-conditioning unit when the phone rang, the scheduler rattling off the report time for an afternoon trip to Port-au-Prince and Santo Domingo — a three-leg out-and-back.
Continue Reading ClosePatrick Smith is an airline pilot. More Patrick Smith.
Scientology to the rescue
John Travolta is bringing much-needed supplies to Haiti. The problem? He's also bringing L. Ron Hubbard
In the wake of the spectacular outpouring of relief to the people of Haiti, a number of generous benefactors have emerged. But few are alighting upon Port-au-Prince with quite as much baggage – for good and otherwise – as John Travolta.
Yesterday the 55-year-old actor did something extraordinary: He got off his ass and flew his own Boeing 707 from Florida down to Haiti with an astonishing four tons of ready-to-eat military rations and medical supplies. It is a gesture no one would look askance at in and of itself, particularly at a time when relief organizations like Doctors Without Borders have been having persistent problems getting into the beleaguered country. We may raise a skeptical eyebrow at the fact that the famous movie star – and his lovely wife, Kelly Preston – just happened to arrive prepared for a camera-ready scene of unloading cargo, but it’s doubtful anyone in Haiti right now is saying, “Medical supplies? We would, but you really sucked in ‘Old Dogs.’”
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Mary Elizabeth Williams is a staff writer for Salon and the author of "Gimme Shelter: My Three Years Searching for the American Dream." Follow her on Twitter: @embeedub. More Mary Elizabeth Williams.
When the media is the disaster
In the wake of the Haiti earthquake, false depictions of victims as criminals hinder the relief effort
Left: Haitian children line up to receive food at a food distribution site. Right: A woman defends herself as others try to take a bag she carried out of a damaged building in Port-au-Prince on Thursday. Soon after almost every disaster the crimes begin: ruthless, selfish, indifferent to human suffering, and generating far more suffering. The perpetrators go unpunished and live to commit further crimes against humanity. They care less for human life than for property. They act without regard for consequences.
I’m talking, of course, about those members of the mass media whose misrepresentation of what goes on in disaster often abets and justifies a second wave of disaster. I’m talking about the treatment of sufferers as criminals, both on the ground and in the news, and the endorsement of a shift of resources from rescue to property patrol. They still have blood on their hands from Hurricane Katrina, and they are staining themselves anew in Haiti.
Continue Reading CloseRebecca Solnit grew up in California public libraries and is thrilled to be revisiting them all over the state as part of the Cal Humanities California Reads project, which is now featuring five books, including her A Paradise Built in Hell: The Extraordinary Communities That Arise in Disaster. More Rebecca Solnit.
Haiti loses feminist leaders
Three women's rights activists are among the earthquake's casualties
Three leading women’s rights activists can be added to the tragically long list of those confirmed dead from last week’s Haitian earthquake. Magalie Marcelin, Anne Marie Coriolan and Myriam Merlet all made tremendous strides in combating rape and domestic violence in the country — and they all died under the rubble, CNN’s reports.
Marcelin a lawyer and actress in her 50s, founded the women’s rights organization Kay Fanm, which supports victims of domestic violence. The similarly-minded Myriam Merlet helped start domestic violence shelters in Port-au-Prince and campaigned to get Eve Ensler to bring “The Vagina Monologues” to Haiti. The 53-year-old was also a top adviser for the country’s Ministry for Gender and the Rights of Women and a founder of the feminist organization Enfofamn. Coriolan, a 53-year-old sociologist, was also a top adviser for the gender ministry and founded the group Solidarity with Haitian Women. She fought fiercely for courts to take rape seriously as a tool of war and not a “crime of passion,” as it had been.
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Tracy Clark-Flory is a staff writer at Salon. Follow @tracyclarkflory on Twitter. More Tracy Clark-Flory.
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