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Friday, May 24, 2002 7:00 PM UTC

Mr. Green Genes Plant Co., Spring 2002 catalog

"Breeding seed since 1997!"

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Topics: Satire,

Mr. Green Genes Plant Co., Spring 2002 catalog

It’s planting season and time again for the Green Genes lab to roll out the very latest breakthroughs in genetic engineering, each one guaranteed to bring your vegetable patch up to date.

Our seeds are tiny, manmade miracles promising more than just high yields, disease resistance and aesthetic perfection. We reconfigure the DNA of classic edibles to satisfy the whole gardener — at the table and between meals.

Fresh this year!

Tomatoes:

Beefsteak favorites “Big Boy” and “Best Boy” are joined by “Rent Boy” and “Boy Toy,” two new fellas of the beefcake variety. Red, firm and juicy, these perfect orbs are packed with potent pheromones (his or hers) and long-lasting breath-freshening agents. (Men: Try our “Old Boy” or “Growing Boy” varieties to meet special challenges. Ladies: Plant the “Lawn Boy” depilatory cherry tomato for early summer harvest.)

Melon:

Sweet and seedless “Miss Manners” cantaloupe is infused with prosciutto essence and synthetic endorphins to get your dinner party off the ground. Serve with alcoholic “Blotto” asparagus for lively conversation and forgiving taste buds. (Available in 99 proof for practical jokers.)

Beans:

“Brainstorm” pole variety yields clusters of screenplay ideas — high concept or your money back. “Epiphany” bush beans restore faith in humanity.

Peas:

“Naughty Girl” sugar snap peas boost fertility at any age; this year, edible pods shape eyebrows and whiten teeth. Self-supporting “Sir Suave” snow peas (with jumbo tendrils) prevent baldness and improve vocabulary — eight-letter adjectives and a smattering of romantic French guaranteed.

Lettuce:

“Switch” baby lettuce mix delivers complete sex change in a dozen servings — without expensive surgery. (Must provide proof of psychotherapy.) Milder (and burpless!) “Pink Slip” escarole facilitates successful career change.

Flavored Basil:

Make way for newcomers like Ahi tuna, cookie dough and peach daiquiri. (Each variety can now be customized with antidepressant of the gardener’s choice. See Paxil Pesto recipe, page 48.)

Especially for kids:

“Stealth” veggies come in fun shapes (Mickey, Minnie, handgun, lip gloss) and scrumptious flavors (cheese pizza, blue, sour apple). Customize seeds with human growth hormone, acne-fighting antibiotics or a cocktail of popular psychotropics. (We won’t tell!) For parents of teens we offer “Busted”, our new breath-test baby carrots. “Off the Bench” steroid celery works for all ages, as does perennial favorite “Night-Night” codeine cucumber.

Note: Mr. Green Genes cannot be held responsible for plants after cultivation. Bad trips, flatulence, disfigurement, gender confusion, weeping sores and/or incontinence may result if products are stir-fried. “A Thousand Clones” butternut squash and “Block Choy” memory repressing greens are not available until further notice.

Next season: Seeing-eye potatoes, wearable kale, antipsychotic leeks … and more!

Jennifer Foote Sweeney, CMT, formerly a Salon editor, is a massage therapist in northern California, practicing on staff at the Institutes for Health and Healing in San Francisco and Larkspur, and on the campuses of the Alta Bates Summit Medical Center in Berkeley. More Jennifer Foote Sweeney.

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