SALON

Douglas Cruickshank

Thursday, Jun 27, 2002 7:00 PM UTC

Martha Stewart’s tips for gracious big-house living

Writing from her exciting new institutional home, Martha gives "how to serve" a whole new meaning.

By

Topics:

Martha Stewart's tips for gracious big-house living

As I write this from within the rustic, pewter-tinted walls of the government facility where I am summering this year, I am reminded of how important it is to make every situation special, felicitous and, above all, attractive in its own way.

This is especially true, of course, during meals.

Thrice daily here at my new “home” my new friends and I assemble in our intime dining room (officially known as Food Services Unit, Room B-7). Within its glowing, brushed-concrete walls, we celebrate gracious living, watched over by uniformed personnel who are attentive to our every need (and slightest move).

Here at the facility, each meal begins when “guests” walk in single file to the “dining room.” To put myself in a mood of pleasant anticipation, I like to think of this procession as a parade, an opportunity to smile, wave, imagine the rousing chorus of a brass band. Attempting to implement this approach led to a brief spate of solitary confinement (for my own safety), but I’m sure it will yield a far more pleasant result for those on the “outside.” Consider adopting this new tradition when family and friends join you for a July 4th gala at your home. Pass out small flags (available at your local dime store or crafts shop) and, especially if children are present, kazoos are certainly in order (again a well-stocked variety store is a good source for these, but they should be collected before the meal is served). In here we find that a “flag” made from a single sheet of “TP” taped to a pencil and a piece of cellophane held against a comb (wash it first!) are the perfect accessories for our “meal march.”

Next, as our meal begins, we are each given a shiny stainless steel tray with partitions for the different types of food. For your event, I suggest similar trays but in bright red, white and blue plastic. These can be purchased by mail order ahead of time (page 167). To impart a patriotic flavor to our reusable trays, I enlisted several surly veterans of the facility to supply sharpened paper clips (a no-no, but I think even our “hosts” would agree that the end justifies the means) to engrave flags, banners and stars as permanent garnishes. You can achieve the same motif with the “July 4 Decal Packet” (available at a nominal charge from www.marthastewart.com). Presumably, your party guests will be more amenable to a patriotic motif.

The menu is often rather limited chez Lompoc, but it exudes a certain charm and embrace of basic American foodstuffs that harks back to simpler, more innocent times. And you know how I feel about more innocent times. I strongly encourage you to adopt this culinary theme for your holiday gathering — a paean to the purity of yore: bologna sandwiches served on gleaming white bread (for ease of preparation leave the crusts on) or peanut butter and jelly (“PB&J” we called them when I was a child; in here they’re known as “rat bait specials” — recipes on page 194). To complement the sandwiches, canned corn or peas and a simple boiled potato (page 129) — known as a “flying coldcocker” in here — create a Yankee veggie melody that your guests won’t soon forget. To drink, a half pint of milk in the carton can summon up memories of happy school days (or hard time at Attica), and refreshing ice tea served in a tin cup always puts me in mind of Adirondack camping trips.

Unlike those of you at home, I enjoy the bonus of a vending machine here at the facility that dispenses a surprisingly good trail mix — assorted nuts, raisins and bits of chocolate that no one else wants to eat (though I will confess to competing from time to time for a fresh bag of Cheetos). I’m sure a similar mixture is available at your grocer. I’ve found that the plastic caps from spray-paint cans (used here in the sign-painting shop) make enchanting nut cups. By snipping off the ends of our toothbrushes and fashioning them into two-prong forks (another no-no here, I suppose, but sometimes a little rule breaking is in order), we make the our nut treats last several minutes — just one more little trick for bringing old-fashioned leisure back into dining.

As you will recall, I’ve always believed that a table is not really set until the flowers and napkin rings are in place. And as you might imagine, napkin rings are a rare item around here, but necessity is the mother of invention. Who would have thought that when cut into fourths and decorated with toothpaste, the tubes from toilet-paper rolls make perfect homes for the serviette (page 136)? If you like, trim them in a scallop pattern and add glitter (not available here). Have the kids add names or humorous nicknames! (We like to label ours with the number of days left on our sentences — a getting-to-know-you trick that creates a sense of optimism and hope, especially among the short-timers.)

One happy discovery I’ve made recently is that celery tops quickly arranged in a Dixie cup whisper “party” in a very unostentatious and distinctly American manner. Use four to six such displays to enliven the center of your table (page 87). (Unlike me, you are not likely to have to trade cigarettes for celery stalks, a step that is mortifying but, as you will see, well worth the periodic debasement). Decorating the cups as we do in here — with papier-maché curlicues made from masticated gum wrappers — will give your affair an atmosphere of playfulness. Origami centerpieces fashioned from back issues of Easy Rider magazine add an exotic and amusingly outré touch.

Most important, be it bologna or foie gras, enjoy your holiday, enjoy your meal and especially your freedom — it’s a good thing! Take it from an “insider”: You can have a good time even when you’re serving hard time.

Next Article

Related Stories

More Related Stories

Featured Slide Shows

The week in 10 pics

close X
  • Share on Twitter
  • Share on Facebook
  • Thumbnails
  • Fullscreen
  • 1 of 11
  • Lisa Montgomery embraces her nephew Thursday after a tornado tore apart her home in Cleburne, Texas. The twister killed six people and destroyed entire swaths of the North Texas town.
    Credit: AP/LM Otero

  • Jack McMahon, the defense attorney for abortion doctor Kermit Gosnell, speaks outside the Criminal Justice Center in Philadelphia Tuesday. His client was convicted of killing three babies in his clinic, and will serve multiple life sentences.
    Credit: AP/Matt Rourke

  • A photo taken Monday captures Vice President Joe Biden's response to a Milwaukee second-grader's innovative proposal to end America's epidemic of gun violence. This guy!
    Credit: AP/Jenny Aicher

  • Sen. Rand Paul, R-Ky., flanked by a grouper-eyed Michele Bachmann, addresses the IRS' admission that it targeted Tea Party groups in advance of the 2012 election. In an op-ed for CNN Thursday, the Kentucky senator slammed the president for his faux outrage.
    Credit: AP/Molly Riley

  • Ousted IRS chief Steven Miller is sworn in on Capitol Hill Friday. Miller testified before the House Ways and Means Committee on the extra scrutiny the agency gave conservative groups applying for tax-exempt status.
    Credit: AP/J. Scott Applewhite

  • Attorney General Eric Holder pauses as he testifies on Capitol Hill before the House Judiciary Committee Wednesday. Holder is under fire, among other things, for the Justice Department's gathering of phone records at the Associated Press.
    Credit: AP/Carolyn Kaster

  • O.J. Simpson sits during an evidentiary hearing at Clark County District Court in Las Vegas, Nev., Thursday. Simpson, who is currently serving a nine-to-33-year sentence in state prison for armed robbery and kidnapping, is using a writ of habeas corpus to seek a new trial.
    Credit: AP/Las Vegas Review-Journal/Jeff Scheid

  • Major Tom to ground control: On Sunday astronaut Chris Hadfield recorded the first music video from space, a cover of David Bowie's "Space Oddity."
    Credit: AP/NASA/Chris Hadfield

  • When it rains it pours. President Barack Obama speaks during a news conference Thursday with Turkish Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan, inexplicably inspiring an #umbrellagate Twitter meme.
    Credit: AP/Jacquelyn Martin

  • A smoke plume rises high above a road block at the intersection of County A and Ross Road east of Solon Springs, Wis., Tuesday. No injuries were reported, but the the wildfire caused evacuations across northwestern Wisconsin.
    Credit: AP/The Duluth News-Tribune/Clint Austin

  • Recent Slide Shows

  • Share on Twitter
  • Share on Facebook
  • Thumbnails
  • Fullscreen
  • 1 of 11

Related Videos

Comments

 0 Comments

Comment Preview

Your name will appear as username

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href=""> <b> <em> <strong> <i> <blockquote>

follow salon

Most Read

Popular on Reddit

links from salon.com

vote
Oklahoma senator: Tornado aid “totally different” from Sandy aid
3115 points3116 points | 2606 comments
vote
Anyone Regret Slashing National Weather Service Budget Now?: With GOP-backed cuts to forecasting agency, experts warn future storms will go undetected and more lives lost
1079 points1080 points | 585 comments
vote
Oklahoma senator wants to offset tornado aid with other cuts
153 points154 points | 61 comments
vote
New campaign compares gun control to anti-LGBT discrimination
32 points33 points | 11 comments
vote
Horrifying new trend: Posting rapes to Facebook " In Chicago this weekend, prosecutors announced three teenaged boys will tried as adults for aggravated criminal sexual assault after allegedly raping a 12-year-old girl — and posting a video of the attack on Facebook."
30 points31 points | 15 comments

From Around the Web

Presented by Scribol
listener_new_rect The Listener: So long, Sookie Stackhouse

Recommendations