Books
But enough about you
From Britney Spears to Angelina Jolie to robber CEOs, narcissists are selfish and maddening -- and yet we just can't get enough of them.
From Britney Spears flaunting her navel in music videos and moaning to InStyle about her breakup with Justin Timberlake, to Bernie Ebbers, former CEO of WorldCom, justifying taking a “personal loan” of $430 million from the very company that he marched into bankruptcy with an almost $4 billion accounting scam, we live in an age of reckless self-regard. The narcissist-as-success-story has become so deeply ingrained in our culture, it’s hardly possible to imagine one without the other. Narcissists are everywhere and, for the most part, they also seem to be triumphant. (Despite the fact that Britney was dumped and Bernie’s in big trouble, narcissists are rarely truly outcast in our society. Let’s face it, Britney’s broken heart will surely mend and Bernie could sell a few of his vacation homes to bail himself out.)
I’m not surprised by our obsession with these supreme egotists. In fact, I’m guilty of being awestruck myself. Narcissists are effective and alluring. They’re tough. I like the idea of someone who can withstand the storm of rejections, betrayals and humiliations that life is bound to offer and remain convinced that he’s special. (And I don’t use “he” here lightly; the DSM-IV estimates that 50 to 75 percent of narcissists are men.) The shamelessness of a narcissist — barreling forward at everyone’s expense, demanding more attention than anyone else at the cocktail party, barking opinions without any discernible evidence to back them up — is offensive but also fascinating. “Narcissistic” — like “intimidating” — is one of those bullying insults that contains a hint of admiration, even jealousy, that makes it seem more like a compliment in the end. Though we pretend the word offers a damning assessment of someone’s character, it also secretly portrays them as bold, forceful, exciting. So what’s not to like?
“Their needs are more important than anyone else’s, and they expect to be accommodated in all things. They can’t … comprehend why they might not always come first. Their expectations have an almost childlike quality, yet they can be tyrannically outraged or pitifully depressed when thwarted.” So writes Los Angeles psychotherapist Sandy Hotchkiss in the introduction to her new book, amusingly called “Why Is It Always About You?” (a title that fairly screams from the cover before offering its subtitle in a conspiratorial whisper: “Saving Yourself From the Narcissists in Your Life”).
Hotchkiss doesn’t offer any new news about the cause of narcissism in this guide — she follows the standard psychoanalytic approach (it’s all rooted in infancy; you didn’t individuate successfully; it’s your parents’ faults) — but she does clearly portray just what the disorder entails. “The Narcissist has no ability to value, or often enough, even to recognize, the separate existence or feelings of other people,” Hotchkiss explains. (Notice Hotchkiss capitalizes the “N” in Narcissist. Like the “G” in God.)
The DSM-IV, a reference guide for mental health disorders (also used in a kind of unofficial parlor game to diagnose all the most annoying and disturbed people one encounters in life), offers this entertaining description: “They may constantly fish for compliments, often with great charm.” (That strangely sounds like it should appear in a fortune cookie: “May you constantly fish for compliments, often with great charm.”)
I have in mind a certain member of my family who is one of those narcissists you have to either admire or hate (and any way you look at it, she’s occupying more of your mind than you’d ever want to admit). She once sat down to dinner, told a story about how far she’d come in her career and then shouted, without a trace of irony, “I’m huge!” That’s “huge” meaning important, accomplished, a star. It’s not exactly fishing, but it certainly brings her audience right to the point. “Yes!” I agreed heartily. (I’ve never been able to resist obliging narcissists. The sheer force of their egotism pushes me back on myself, into some agreeable psychosis of my own.)
According to Hotchkiss, narcissists construct their personalities chiefly to keep their negative feelings at bay and, in doing so, forfeit their grasp on reality. The trick of the narcissist is to repress self-doubt and self-loathing so deeply, to make them so appallingly painful to experience, that these emotions emerge only rarely and, even then, not forcefully enough to check the rampant egotism of the whole personality. Add this to the fact that narcissists, in constant need of affirmation, adapt their personalities to elicit the approval of those around them, and you’ve got less of a human being and more of an ego-machine incapable of producing genuine emotion.
“The Narcissist may be intimidating, mesmerizing, even larger-than-life,” Hotchkiss warns, “but beneath the bombast or the charm is an emotional cripple with the moral development of a toddler.” Judging from the narcissists I know — and I seem to know most of the estimated 1 percent of the population (again, according to the DSM-IV) suffering from this illness — it is true that they all exhibit a kind of blunted emotional growth, though this is almost always camouflaged by a savvy veneer of intellect, charm and flattery. (Interestingly, I don’t know any witless narcissists who might display the traits of the disorder a little more baldly.)
It’s rare, however, that I’ve actually witnessed Hotchkiss’s toddler within rear its ugly head. Though I did once see a narcissist friend of mine throw a temper tantrum, literally kicking and screaming, at the age of 29, when a doorman wouldn’t let us into a party because we weren’t on the guest list. “Do you know who I am?” she shrieked and then karate-chopped the glass wall dividing us from the festivities. Again, I was impressed, and not only because I’d never actually heard someone use the phrase “Do you know who I am?” and mean it.
And yet there is justice in the world. Narcissists don’t just strut through life, conceited and carefree. For one, they’re throwing temper tantrums with doormen who could care less, but they’re also — here it comes — really lonely deep down. (Hey, maybe the reason why it’s a clichi is that we’ve all been quietly chanting it to ourselves for so long as a way of getting through the day, one narcissist at a time.) The very devices narcissists use to protect themselves from reality also starve them of essential human nourishment. They are so trapped in their own strict regime of self-love, they cannot tolerate anyone or anything that disrupts the system.
So when such people are confronted with a seemingly insurmountable bit of reality — think of my “Do you know who I am?” friend or Bill Clinton thrusting his index finger at the world, declaring, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman” or Michael Jackson’s face — they become insane. In these moments, narcissists are expelled from their womb of self-love and plunged into a free-fall of destructive and uncontrolled impulses, awash in long repressed insecurity.
In a section of her book called “The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism,” Hotchkiss lists a variety of manifestations for these impulses: shamelessness, magical thinking, arrogance, envy, entitlement, exploitation and bad boundaries. In each case, the narcissist employs a rash tactic to foist hideous feelings of inadequacy off on someone else. Throughout the book, Hotchkiss illustrates these qualities with profiles of the narcissists she’s encountered — a mother who applies for credit cards in her daughter’s name and then charges them sky-high, a man who doesn’t want to lose his girlfriend (hey, she looks great in a cocktail dress) but won’t make any kind of commitment to the relationship, a professor who marries his awestruck student and then prohibits her from having a career or life of her own.
The moral of the story is almost always that these people are missing out on what’s really important. Narcissists are so busy loving themselves, they’ve forgotten to love anyone else. And then there’s the cruelest insult to these types: growing old. “Aging is the ultimate narcissistic injury,” Hotchkiss grimly explains. “The thinning hair, the sagging flesh, the mind that dumps thoughts and takes too long to retrieve them, the aches and pains that may signal unspeakable terrors yet to come, are evidence that the supply lines for maintaining inflation are drying up.” Forget Michael Jackson — ladies and gentlemen, I refer you to Jocelyn Wildenstein.
And yet time and again people are drawn to these individuals. Hotchkiss calls this condition — that is, falling prey to the frothy appeal of narcissists — “narcissistic vulnerability.” Interestingly, more of Hotchkiss’s book is devoted to the danger of becoming involved with a narcissist than to the hazards of actually being a narcissist. Perhaps this is because, as far as therapists are concerned, narcissists are generally a lost cause. (As a psychiatrist once explained to a friend of mine, narcissists are the bread and butter of the therapeutic enterprise, not because they so often seek professional help — they’re too impressed with themselves to ever think they have a problem — but because they drive so many of the people around them crazy.)
Or perhaps this is because narcissists rule the roost for a reason — our whole culture is narcissistically vulnerable and can’t help but fall in love. Hotchkiss isn’t surprised at the once-rampant popularity of “Ally McBeal,” for example. “Most of the characters are some flavor of narcissist … David Kelley is amazing in what he understands. He’s really made a case study of narcissism in this show,” she told me in an interview. (Though perhaps the program’s decline in ratings and recent cancellation is a testimony to how short-lived the narcissist’s appeal can be.) It’s a symbiotic relationship between the self-obsessed and those obsessed with the self-obsessed. Why else would reality TV be such a success?
The narcissistically vulnerable are, in many ways, just as loony as their counterparts. They hope to borrow from the power and confidence that radiates from the narcissist or to mend an old wound left by a narcissistic parent by having a happy relationship with a replacement narcissist (a doomed scheme, needless to say) or perhaps they’re simply bored. “Sometimes life just seems a little humdrum, a little flat,” Hotchkiss muses. “When you haven’t felt excitement or motivation for a while, there’s nothing like a little narcissism to perk you up.”
And that, I realize, is the point I’ve been driving at all along. I know narcissists are dangerous to relate to in any serious capacity — someone capable of breaking your heart, for example, or firing you — but they are interesting in a superficial way. Hotchkiss gives solid advice to those of us dealing with the narcissists inextricably woven into our lives, but she neglects to mention that the ones we need only deal with from a distance — an acquaintance or colleague or, say, Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton — can actually be a a lot of fun. Look, we’re not getting over our fascination with narcissists anytime soon — it’s hard-wired into our hungry little hearts — so why not use them every once in a while? Even better, you can enjoy the perks of narcissism without actually suffering the hangover in old age. So wind one up and watch him go. The brazen sense of entitlement! The mad theatrics! The byzantine needs! Henry James couldn’t have written it better.
Or you could just watch the latest installment of “The Osbournes” instead.
“Tubes”: What the Internet is made of
If you think your data lives in the cloud and flies through the air, you're wrong
Andrew Blum The title of Andrew Blum’s “Tubes: A Journey to the Center of the Internet” is a ricocheting joke. When Alaskan Sen. Ted Stevens described the Internet as a “series of tubes” back in 2006, he was roundly mocked for not understanding the online world despite being chairman of the Commerce, Science and Transportation Committee and therefore instrumental in overseeing it. Stevens may not have known what he was talking about, Blum (a correspondent for Wired magazine) acknowledges, but he wasn’t wrong, either. In writing this account of “the Internet’s physical infrastructure,” Blum found that “one thing [the Internet] most certainly is, nearly everywhere, is, in fact, a series of tubes.”
Continue Reading Close
Laura Miller is a senior writer for Salon. She is the author of "The Magician's Book: A Skeptic's Adventures in Narnia" and has a Web site, magiciansbook.com. More Laura Miller.
Exclusive: The Paris Review, the Cold War and the CIA
Letters discovered by Salon show even deeper Cold War ties between the Paris Review and a U.S. propaganda front
(Credit: Salon) In 1958, the Paris Review’s George Plimpton wrote his Paris editor with a grand proposal. The Russian author Boris Pasternak had just been awarded the Nobel Prize. But under pressure from the Soviets — humiliated that “Dr. Zhivago” had to be smuggled out of the country — he refused it. “The Pasternak affair has caused such a stir here,” writes Plimpton from the journal’s New York office, “and is in itself an event of such importance in lit’r’y history that we feel the Review somehow should chronicle what has happened…” Writing to Nelson Aldrich, the Paris editor, Plimpton suggests short statements by a “variety of authors asked to comment. What does Sartre have to say on this matter … Aragon, Neruda, Waugh? Here [in New York] we have Niccolo Tucci … digging up statements, mostly from writers who (as he is himself) are refugees from tyranny…” Plimpton goes on to suggest that the Congress for Cultural Freedom, largely and covertly funded by the CIA, might fund brochures to help publicize the issue.
Continue Reading CloseA co-founder of Guernica, Joel Whitney is a Brooklyn writer whose work appears in The New York Times, The New Republic, World Policy Journal and The Paris Review More Joel Whitney.
“People Who Eat Darkness”: The disappearing blonde
A true crime story set in Tokyo illuminates the complicated truths behind media cliches
Joji Obara and Lucie Blackman (Credit: Estate of Lucie Jane Blackman) Lucie Blackman, 21, went out for the afternoon in 2000, phoning her roommate and best friend Louise to arrange a meeting later that night. Lucie never showed up, and within a few days she’d become one of those vanished blondes whose fates fuel headlines and hours of speculative media coverage. She was British, a former flight attendant, and she and Louise were living in Tokyo. They were also bar hostesses, a profession with a very specific meaning in Japan, difficult to explain to foreigners and not entirely clear to the Japanese themselves. Lucie both did and didn’t match the classic Missing Blonde profile, and for a while the mystery of what happened to her threatened to lapse into permanent obscurity.
Continue Reading Close
Laura Miller is a senior writer for Salon. She is the author of "The Magician's Book: A Skeptic's Adventures in Narnia" and has a Web site, magiciansbook.com. More Laura Miller.
Corporate criminals gone wild
The maker of the documentary film "Inside Job" has a new book excoriating Wall Street -- and President Obama
A detail from the cover of "Predator Nation" “Inside Job,” Charles Ferguson’s Oscar-winning documentary film on how government, Wall Street and academia colluded to deliver us the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression, made a powerful case that something was very very rotten at the heart of the American political/economic nexus. His follow-up book, “Predator Nation: Corporate Criminals, Political Corruption, and the Hijacking of America,” can be considered the legal brief that dots every “i” and crosses every “t” in his argument. A tightly argued, profusely footnoted and deeply enraged castigation of everyone involved, “Predator Nation” isn’t just a factually unchallengeable account of how Wall Street blew up the global economy. It’s a denunciation, a call for justice and a warning: After getting away with the crime of the century, Wall Street still isn’t satisfied.
Continue Reading Close
Andrew Leonard is a staff writer at Salon. On Twitter, @koxinga21. More Andrew Leonard.
Can you identify?
Science shows that the only way around some readers' prejudices is to trick them
(Credit: Shutterstock/Salon) The news of recent research documenting how readers identify with the main characters in stories has mostly been taken as confirmation of the value of literary role models. Lisa Libby, an assistant professor at Ohio State University and co-author of a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, explained that subjects who read a short story in which the protagonist overcomes obstacles in order to vote were more likely to vote themselves several days later.
The suggestibility of readers isn’t news. Johann Wolfgang von Goethe’s novel of a sensitive young man destroyed by unrequited love, “The Sorrows of Young Werther,” inspired a rash of suicides by would-be Werthers in the late 1700s. Jack Kerouac has launched a thousand road trips. Still, this is part of science’s job: Running empirical tests on common knowledge — if for no other reason than because common knowledge (and common sense) is often wrong.
Continue Reading Close
Laura Miller is a senior writer for Salon. She is the author of "The Magician's Book: A Skeptic's Adventures in Narnia" and has a Web site, magiciansbook.com. More Laura Miller.
Page 1 of 984 in Books