SALON

Monday, Feb 10, 2003 9:00 PM UTC

Sleazy pieces

Hollywood's hottest parts: Salma's caboose, Nicole's gams, Jennifer's bodacious ta-tas, and Owen Wilson's big, honking you-know-what! Plus: No MoJo for Joe's Jeeves.

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Topics: Jennifer Aniston,

Forget all that People magazine “Sexiest Man Alive” crap. In its current issue, Movieline magazine cuts right to the chase and hands out the awards to the sexiest body parts in Hollywood.

So while Ben Affleck’s head, lower torso, arms and legs are nowhere to be found on the magazine’s list, his chest muscles have been given the award for “sexiest pecs.” (I’m sure, if they could speak, they’d be happy to thank the Academy.)

Jennifer Aniston gets the nod for “sexiest ta-tas” while her husband, Brad Pitt, puckers up and shares the “sexiest lips” honors with Angelina Jolie.

Sexiest hair? Kate Hudson and Jake Gyllenhaal.

Sexiest legs? Nicole Kidman and Christian Bale.

Sexiest stomach? Jennifer Lopez and Taye Diggs.

Sexiest “caboose”? Salma Hayek and Gael García Bernal.

Why, there are even awards for the sexiest teeth (Gwyneth Paltrow and Jay Hernandez), eyebrows (Lara Flynn Boyle and Benicio Del Toro) and eyelashes (Colin Farrell and Julia Roberts).

Sexiest-nose awards went to Britney Spears and Owen Wilson.

I know, I know … Michael Jackson wuz robbed.

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Speaking of whom …

“He’s a really wonderful, loving, caring man and he’s not portrayed as he really is, and it really pisses me off.”

– Debbie Rowe, the mother of Michael Jackson’s two eldest children, on the man who whisked her babies away within moments of their birth, on British TV.

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Joe lonesome

The butler didn’t do it, but it apparently wasn’t for lack of interest.

“Fancy being at a French chateau for [a month] with 20 women and not being slipped a single number!”

So “Joe Millionaire” butler Paul Hogan gripes to TV Guide Online of his failure to score during the filming of the reality show on which he is overshadowed by another, younger bachelor.

Then again, Hogan is not exactly pining after his forsaken MoJo or anything.

He allows that the time and circumstances may not have been right for lovin’.

“My old man always told me, ‘Never get your meat where you buy your bread,’” the Australian gentleman’s man shares. “It just wasn’t the appropriate time to chase after these young things.”

Besides, he says, “fresh meat’s nice, but I prefer their mums!”

Very good, sir.

- – - – - – - – - – - -

We always suspected as much

“My fan is the mother of two kids, in her 30s, who shops at Penney’s.”

– Celine Dion, on why her new perfume will be offered for sale at low- to mid-end retailers, in the New York Post.

- – - – - – - – - – - -

Juicy bits

Don’t get too excited just yet about watching Renée Zellweger bulk up again. The actress says reports that she and Hugh Grant were a go for the cast of the “Bridget Jones” sequel are grossly exaggerated. “Neither of us has seen scripts, neither of us has a start date, and neither of us has committed because there is nothing to commit to,” Zellweger told the BBC. Then again, she conceded, “I would love to do it if it’s right.” V. promising.

Get ready for the mud to fly both ways in the court battle between David Gest and Liza Minnelli and VH-1. The music network filed a lawsuit against its coulda-been reality-show stars yesterday in the New York Supreme Court. Gest and Minnelli filed their $23 million suit against VH-1 back in December. This battle could get really ugly. (Now, now … stop drooling…)

- – - – - – - – - – - -

Miss something? Read Friday’s Nothing Personal.

More Amy Reiter.

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