Reality TV

Of course, the super-size family – and its breeding habits – practically invite our judgments. The Duggars have always been open about their long-ago miscarriage – which occurred when, Michelle says, she went back on the pill after her first child, got pregnant and “ended up losing the baby.” They suggest the birth control caused “one of our own babies to be destroyed.” Eighteen kids later, they couldn’t be accused of using birth control. So what might they think of God’s plan for them now?

Similarly, the Duggars went into this pregnancy knowing that it was risky. Michelle is a 45-year-old grandmother with 19 kids already, one whose last pregnancy featured a life-threatening bout of preeclampsia and the premature birth of daughter Josie. For the couple, who say that “children are a reward” from God, this possibility must surely have occurred to them.

So they’ve got plenty of kids already. This one was a long shot. They’ve ascribed a prior miscarriage to birth control. They have it coming, don’t they? Who wouldn’t call them “ridiculous” and “insane” for even attempting a 20th baby in the first place? Or at least, among those with a softer touch, decide that “Bless her, but personally I think 19 children is enough” and say, “This is a terrible thing but happens to many people across the world every day.” Compassion: now with qualifications!

Of course, there are commenters out there with more sympathy – generally those who’ve been through it themselves. “Having miscarried three times myself, I know the pain she is feeling and my heart goes out to her,” wrote a woman on Yahoo. A commenter on People observed, “As a mother of three beautiful little girls I have suffered through two miscarriages that left me both sad and broken and longing to know what if.”

Michelle Duggar is currently resting at home. Until recently, she was likely feeling the tumbles and kicks of her newest child. Now, she carries her lifeless baby inside her body as she waits to miscarry. “Our doctor said it was wise to let this miscarriage happen naturally,” she told People this week. Duggar added that “I feel like my heart broke telling my children.”

You probably wouldn’t make the same reproductive choices the Duggars have. Most of us wouldn’t. But anyone who has either endured a miscarriage or loved someone who has knows what a physically and emotionally grueling ordeal it is. What is to the world someone never even met or experienced is, to the family, a person who was going be part of it. Little fingers to be kissed, chubby legs that would have, in time, run around the house creating chaos. And then, suddenly, that dream is gone. That is not something easily brushed off – it’s a permanent loss. Your kids don’t all run together after the first five or six; you aren’t issued a “get out of grief” pass when you lose a pregnancy after several successful births. Life doesn’t work that way. The human heart sure doesn’t, regardless of whether it’s the first baby or the 21st. Because it’s that hoped for baby, that unique, irreplaceable life, that demands to be considered. A life to be celebrated when it begins. And to be mourned when it ends.

Regular reality-TV viewers also report spending a significantly larger amount of time on their appearance and are far likelier to agree with statements like “Being mean earns you more respect than being nice.” Apparently, reality fans don’t join the Girl Scouts to make friends; they join to win.

But maybe not everything dished out on reality TV has a soul-crushing effect. It turns out, according to the poll, that reality watchers exceed their peers’ confidence levels regarding “almost every personal characteristic” — including maturity, intelligence, and humor. They’re also more likely to aspire to lead and more aware of social issues. Two-thirds said that the shows have sparked important conversations with parents and friends.

Is it possible that somewhere amid all the catfights and hot-tub hookups and dates with rehab, there are valuable lessons to be had? Could Snooki teach our little girls something beyond how to rock a pouf? On that latter question, I’m going to guess probably not a whole lot. And that’s where the study’s methodology comes into play. The Girl Scout poll defines reality TV as pertaining to popular genres of both competition shows (like “American Idol”) — and “real-life” shows (such as “Jersey Shore”). It doesn’t seem to distinguish between girls who watch “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition” with their families and those who are off devouring “Dog the Bounty Hunter” solo.

I don’t know about your family, but my 7-year-old could distinguish between “The Amazing Race” and “Real Housewives,” and I suspect her emotional takeaways from the two would be different. I say that because I’ve seen it in action. It was Mondo’s admission that he was HIV-positive on “Project Runway” that turned out to be the first time either of my daughters heard the term, and it wound up sparking a family conversation about HIV and AIDS. My children have also learned, via Tim Gunn, everything they’ll ever need about impeccable grooming and meeting rigorous deadlines. From “American Idol” this year they gained a deeper insight into the neighborhood  kids they know who are on the Asperger’s scale. But they still don’t know who Kim Kardashian or the Situation are — and I’m keeping it that way as long as possible.

Assuming, as the Girl Scouts study seems to have done, that “reality” is broad enough to encompass both “The Girls Next Door” and “Mythbusters” isn’t quite fair to either young girls or to television. But flawed as it may be, the results do suggest that certain kinds of reality shows can teach our daughters more than just how to throw drinks in each other’s faces –  and that if you’re paying attention, there are teachable moments to be found in the unlikeliest places.

The spectacularly fecund Duggars entered the reality game already way ahead of the Gosselins, and even left Octomom Nadya Suleman in the dust. They’ve been a source of weird fascination ever since they welcomed their 15th child on their first television special seven years — and five pregnancies — ago. And each time their brood increases, so does the public scorn. Along with occasional good wishes, commenters on the L.A. Times website have been writing things like: “How about you bolt your knees together?” and “Lady, your hooha isn’t a clown car!”

The 45-year-old Michelle Duggar sees it a little differently. Before appearing on the “Today” show Tuesday, she said, “I was not thinking that God would give us another one, and we are just so grateful.” God, unfortunately, could not be reached for comment. On their TLC Web page, a stiffly “Oh Lord I am so screwed”-looking Jim Bob Duggar says, “Wow. I can’t believe it. Twenty. I can’t… I thought we’d maybe have two or three. It’s a miracle. Twenty. It blows my mind. I’m sure it blows your mind. This is amazing” (trails off in hyperventilating quasi laughter).

Unlike their enthusiastic baby-making TV peers like the Gosselins and Octomom, the Duggars are not fertility-treatment espousing litter droppers. In fact, their strange allure stems from precisely the opposite place – the fact that Joe Bob Duggar’s sperm count is to fertility what Ted Williams’ batting average is to baseball. Off the freakin’ charts. The couple have two sets of twins, but basically they’ve been cranking out kids since the ’80s at roughly the same measured pace that Woody Allen releases new movies. They’re not living on public assistance; they’re not asking for your money. They’re just a nice Christian family from Arkansas who could teach tribbles a thing or two about breeding.

Nevertheless, Americans seem to have a strained relationship with the family, with a tremendous amount of moral outrage attached. Michelle Duggar is not the spry 20-something she was when she got into this game. She’s now a grandmother in her mid-40s. During her last pregnancy two years ago, she developed life-threatening preeclampsia. When daughter Josie was delivered at 25 weeks, she weighed 1 pound, 6 ounces. (The toddler is doing fine now.) Though Jim Bob Duggar says, “Michelle is probably in better health now than she was 10 years ago,” a lady with 19 other kids and a history of preeclampsia heads into another pregnancy with considerable challenges.

That’s why both MSNBC and Fox News today asked if the latest pregnancy was “safe.” “Today” contributor Dr. Nancy Snyderman, meanwhile, called it “a high-risk pregnancy,” adding “That uterus can’t have any spring in it anymore.” More bluntly, a CNN commenter Wednesday wrote, “Can somebody spay and castrate this couple?”

The idea that any humans — even those with the religious conviction and financial means to do so — would keep adding to a family of super-size proportions seems all but, well, inconceivable. Add to it the very real risk that someday luck runs out on these folks, combined with the sideshow aspect of an unusual clan, and you’ve got perfect conditions for a whole heap of public scolding.

Yet on their TLC site, Michelle says, “We are really, really thankful” for this new child. Jim Bob adds, “I know a lot of you out there think, ‘What have they done?’ But … we consider each child a gift and a blessing from God. And our goal is to train our children to love God and to serve others and hopefully make a difference in the world.”

We all consider our children blessings. I named my second child Beatrice precisely because it means blessing. I also think Mirena is a beautiful name, because it’s the device that assured I could not get knocked up 18 more times after my lovely Beatrice.

I have a friend expecting a baby she already knows has a heart condition and Down syndrome. She told me the other day, “People keep saying, ‘Maybe the doctors are wrong. Maybe there will be a miracle.’ Why can’t they understand that maybe this baby is the miracle, just as he is?” The Duggars are similarly holding steadfast to their belief that miracles don’t look the same to every set of eyes. And they see baby 20 as just as much of a blessing as No. 1 . The Duggars’ blessings aren’t yours or mine. They’ve made choices few of us would, but they’ve determined to accept them with as much grace and gratitude as they can muster. Because this is what reproductive freedom and choice look like. And as long as there’s still spring in Michelle’s uterus, they’re going to keep going – 20 and counting.

Citing irreconcilable differences, Kardashian said Monday, “I hope everyone understands this was not an easy decision. I had hoped this marriage was forever, but sometimes things don’t work out as planned. We remain friends and wish each other the best.” But Humphries sounds blindsided by the whole thing. In a counter-statement, he declared, “I love my wife and am devastated to learn she filed for divorce. I’m committed to this marriage and everything this covenant represents,” he says in the statement, “and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make it work.”

Maybe there’s a hint in the preview for the new season of “Kourtney and Kim Take New York,” in which Kim, made-up within an inch of “Ru Paul’s Drag Race,” demands of her new husband, “How am going to have my career and live in Minnesota?” To which a sweat-shirted Kris replies, “Baby, by the time you have kids and they’re in school, no one will care about you.” Oh, Kris, I don’t think we need to wait that long.

Just because the other 99 percent of the country is losing sleep over mortgage payments and student loans doesn’t mean the fascination with excess goes away. Americans scrimped their pennies to go see fizzy, high society, screwball comedies during the Depression. The mid-’70s recession dovetailed neatly with the excesses of glam-rock and disco. And now, as our banks are nickel and diming us for using our debit cards to pay for our value meals, we still make blockbusters of multimillion-dollar movie extravaganzas and DVR the expensive follies of Housewives, Playmates and heavily shellacked pageant moms. And right there, at the crossroads of aspirational glamour and straight-up schadenfreude, are the big badonkadonked members of Bruce Jenner’s extended family. Kim and Kris’ two-part wedding was the most watched special in E! network history. We only have ourselves to blame, America.

But at this point, it seems Kim isn’t the one who ought to be throwing in the towel. As PRI’s Celeste Headlee pointed out on Twitter Tuesday morning, “The Kardashian wedding cost $10 mill, so $138,000 for every day of their now-defunct marriage.” And, as a nightly entertainment show hilariously mused Monday night, this whole fiasco might just finally hurt the Kardashian “credibility.” The credibility you were perhaps unaware existed until just now.

Ill-starred romances happen to the best of us, and not every love affair is meant to go the distance. Kim surely understands – she divorced producer Damon Thomas in 2004. And if you want to build a television brand around shopping or smiling at parties or whatever it is the Kardashians do, have at it. If you want to call it something other than reality, mazel tov. But the accelerated love story of Kim and Kris now looks even more like a cynical stunt by a Hollywood network and an attention-hungry family than it did back in May. And who knew that was possible?

Maybe other women can make a “not easy” decision about the rest of their lives in three and a half months. And others can get gown designers and caterers and magazines to throw around $10 million on a love that’s evaporated before wedding guests gnawed through that six-foot cake. But why would the rest of us want to watch these people? The notion of fairy tales and romance, for anyone who bought into it in the first place, should be about as dead as Kris Humphries’ chance of ever taking a shower with Kim Kardashian again. And for those who watch just to get their disgust at bourgeois excess on, that shark was jumped 10 million bucks and two Vera Wangs ago. All that’s left now is a woman with a “career” whose professional highlight is getting married. Christ, even Paris Hilton didn’t pull that stunt. Kim will no doubt keep the gifts. But one thing we can take back is our attention.