Amy Reiter

Tammy Faye says I’m going to hell

The famous ex-preacher's wife talks about her new self-help book, kicking Ativan, forgiving Jerry Falwell, and why she's a gay icon.

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Tammy Faye says I'm going to hell

Makeup shopping with Tammy Faye? It seemed like a great idea at the time. I arranged to meet the Queen of Eyeliner at the makeup counter in the bowels of Bergdorf Goodman in the midst of her promotional trip to New York for her new self-help tome, “I Will Survive … And You Will, Too!”

In her book, Tammy Faye Messner (she’s remarried and no longer a “Bakker”) proves herself to be a font of advice such as “I think almost everyone should own a wig. It makes every day a good hair day” and asks big questions like “Who made the rule that you don’t put mascara on false eyelashes, anyway?” So I thought she might be able to give me a few tips on jazzing up my look.

I had no idea I’d start a mini makeup riot.

Tammy Faye has certainly survived a lot. As you likely recall, she and her ex-husband, Jim Bakker, once presided over the PTL (Praise the Lord) Club, a TV network on which they were watched daily by about 13.5 million people, and Heritage USA, a popular gospel theme park in South Carolina. They owned lavish properties as well as his-and-hers Rolls Royces.

But in 1987, Bakker was forced out of his PTL post when certain irregularities in his business and private life began to leak out. (Remember the allegations of bisexuality and his infamous one-nighter with church secretary and future Playboy model Jessica Hahn?) In 1988, Bakker was sent to prison for diverting millions of dollars from PTL’s coffers for his personal use and PTL crumbled along with the Bakkers’ reputation and fortunes.

For a time, the flamboyant Tammy Faye retreated from the spotlight, all the while maintaining her and Jim’s innocence and insisting that the Rev. Jerry Falwell had orchestrated their fall for his own gain. But a few years ago, an award-winning documentary film, “The Eyes of Tammy Faye,” narrated by RuPaul, was made about her rise and fall and she quickly became a cult figure. And now — having also survived cancer, an addiction to prescription drugs, second husband Roe Messner’s two-year stint in prison for bankruptcy fraud and the deaths of numerous close family members — she’s back and busier than ever. Not only is she promoting her book, she’s also peddling a one-woman play, has just signed on to do a reality TV show, and is fixing to re-enter the world of Christian television with “The Tammy Faye Show,” a daily variety program she’s planning to syndicate.

The afternoon of our Bergdorf meeting, it’s not hard to spot Tammy Faye, with a middle-aged man and a woman trailing her like loyal pups, striding past the society women who populate the store in the middle of a workday. She looks pretty much like you’d expect her to look — lots and lots of makeup; teased-out, blond-streaked red hair; black-and-white striped outfit with matching black-and-white striped earrings — only way better and, like most celebrities, much tinier.

After we exchange greetings and she introduces me to her companions — her cousin Phyllis, in to meet her from Minnesota, and Joe, the man she credits with coaxing her back into the spotlight after all these years — I share my makeover plan.

“Oh, well, see, if I’d known you wanted to pick out makeup, I’d have taken you to the drugstore,” Tammy Faye whispers from behind her hand.

She digs around in her purse and whips out her off-the-rack eyeliner: Maybelline Great Wear. “They say it doesn’t budge, and it’s true,” she says. “It adds drama.”

Eyeliner stowed, we pause and look at the tubes and tubs tastefully arrayed on one of the makeup section’s many counters.

A subtly made-up woman steps around the counter and asks if she can help us.

Tammy Faye looks confused, panicked even. “I know how to do my own makeup,” she says. “But I wouldn’t know how to do anyone else’s.”

We turn to leave, but she’s been recognized. Makeup salespeople and customers begin to swarm. Men and women rush from behind their counters, pressing compliments on Tammy Faye and creams, unguents, perfumes and lotions into her palms. It’s mayhem.

But Tammy Faye is in her element, thanking people, shaking hands left and right, positively glowing as I whisk her out of there, up the elevator and into the store’s white-tableclothed café, where she orders tea and cookies and stops to smell the roses on the table.

“Aren’t they cute?” she says of the flowers, bunched in a silver cup.

Then I switch on my tape recorder, she helpfully props it up between the salt and pepper shaker, and we’re off.

What made you decide to write this book now?

Because they asked me. They came and found me. I still can’t believe it. I thought my 15 minutes of fame was up long ago. Then the book company came and said, would you like to write a book? And I said, well, I would love to but what do you want me to write about? And they said, whatever you want. So I went home and just started writing from my heart on my old typewriter.

The book is called, “I Will Survive …” Do you feel like now you’re in a stable place?

The book is a journal of how to survive. I’ve been through a lot. I mean, I’ve lost everything in my whole life. I’ve been rich. I’ve been poor. I’ve been through so many deaths. I’ve had my reputation just ruined and had to build that back again, and husbands and cancer and prison, and I survived it. I made it through. And I want to tell other people how to make it through those same type of things.

It’s sort of a new way of ministering, isn’t it?

Yes. So many times I thought it was all over, that I would never get to do another thing, and I’m going back on Christian television again. We’re starting over again, and there’s nothing wrong with starting over small again. When people fall down and they feel like they’ve had it and there’s nothing left, they just need to pick themselves up and dust themselves off and say I’m going to start again.

Were there days when you thought you wouldn’t be able to do that?

Oh yeah. There were many days I thought, “I’ll never be able to start again. It will never work. Everything’s been too destroyed.” But something inside me kept saying — I mean, I know it was God — you know, nothing is ever destroyed as long as you know me.

Did your faith ever waver? In the book it sounds like it did a little bit right after PTL collapsed and Jim went to prison.

Oh, I think everybody’s faith would waver in a situation like that. I was so disappointed that God would allow all that to happen. But after the fact I realized that He allowed it for my good.

There’s a verse in Isaiah that says, “For this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you. In everything give thanks.” Oooooh, that’s hard. Oh, man. Be thankful for losing everything? Give thanks for divorce? Give thanks for two husbands in prison? That’s almost an impossible thing. Give thanks when your brother dies, when your mother dies, when your dad dies, when your aunt dies, when your sister dies, when your best friend dies? I lost all of those people within just a few months. And we’re supposed to give thanks? That’s what the Bible says.

Why in your book did you soft-pedal around the whole Jerry Falwell thing? You didn’t soft-pedal in the documentary made about you a few years ago, “The Eyes of Tammy Faye,” in which you indicate that he deliberately brought down PTL, smearing your and Jim Bakker’s reputations, and betraying what you thought was a friendship. Yet in your book you don’t name him as the man who destroyed PTL.

I did name him, but my book company asked me not to.

They were worried about lawsuits?

I don’t know. I suppose. But I did it before and there was no problem. I’ve always been very honest with the Jerry Falwell thing.I would love to talk to Jerry. I would just say, “Why? I forgive you, Jerry, but why? Can you explain why you put your arms around us and said that you would help us and then you took everything from us?”

Do you feel that part of your mission is to open people’s eyes to people like him?

No, I don’t have anything against Jerry. I really don’t. But I do think that the truth ought to be told. I think people ought to have to live the truth.

How do you not have something against someone like that?

Because, you know, back in the olden days, when you killed somebody, rather than putting you in prison, they would strap that dead body onto your back, and what that dead body ended up doing was killing you.

And Jerry Falwell was strapped on my back. I carried him with me all the time. I hurt all the time. It was all I could talk about. It was all I could think about. That hurt was unbearable. And one day, I felt like God said to me, “Tammy, lay him down. Lay him down at the cross that I bled and died on. Just lay him there and I’ll take care of him.” And I literally, physically, pretended like I was unstrapping a body from my back, and I laid it down, and when I did, I got peace for the first time. Because, see, holding bitterness and holding unforgiveness only hurts you. It makes your blood pressure high. It makes your heart rate increase. It does all these bad things to you. And why destroy yourself over something they’d be glad about? I mean, he’d be glad to know if I was still hurting.

He’s still out there preaching.

Yeah, I know.

How can –?

How can people hear [about how he betrayed us] and so many things like that and they’re proven to be true and still it not faze them? I don’t know the answer to that question.

How can people tell the difference between a Jim Bakker, who you say is an honorable man, and a Jerry Falwell?

You know, I really don’t think you always can. If people know God you’re supposed to be able to tell the difference. But you know, sometimes we as Christians get so busy, that we don’t have time to stay in contact with God, and that’s when we make mistakes in judgment.

Do you think Christians have a corner on the market of God?

Absolutely not. No. They think they do, but they don’t. [Mischievous giggle.]

Anybody can come to God, anybody. God loves a person who is not a Christian just as much as he loves Billy Graham. Just as much as he loves Oral Roberts. Just as much as he loves these great men of God, he loves that person that he still wants to bring to him. So nobody has a corner on God. We’re all exactly the same in God’s eyes.

What about if you don’t accept Jesus Christ as your savior, are you going to hell?

Yes. Oooh yes.

Even if you live a righteous life?

Oh yes, because it’s not by work lest any man should boast, the Bible says. You have to come to Jesus. You have to come to him. And that’s a choice. So, he loves us whether we come to him or not, but there is a consequence to pay if we don’t come to him and that’s going to hell. I believe in hell.

So Jerry Falwell …

He can be forgiven. Jerry Falwell, if he’s asked God to forgive him for what he did, then he’s right with God again.

But if he lives this cruel and crooked life, which you have experienced, and I, who am not Christian, live a perfectly upright life, then am I going straight to hell and yet he gets to go to heaven?

See, honey .. [pausing to bite into a cookie] God doesn’t do it that way. The way God says is if you come to God, he will in no way cast you out. It doesn’t make any difference if you’re Jewish, if you’re Catholic. If you love God and you’ve asked God to be a part of your life then it’s not works, it’s not anything else that you’ve done, or haven’t done, it just ends at the cross.

Switching tacks a little bit … I didn’t know this until I saw the documentary “The Eyes of Tammy Faye,” but you really were quite progressive when it comes to the gay rights movement. How do you reconcile that with the fundamentalist Christian stuff?

Because I think that’s the way Jesus would be. He loves everybody. I think Jesus loves the rascals. [Laughs mischievously.]

Was there any backlash? I mean, the clip that’s shown in “The Eyes of Tammy Faye,” where you’re interviewing the fellow who has AIDS and you’re crying because no one will embrace him. When was that, in the ’80s?

Yeah, that was way back. And people wouldn’t even walk into the same room as someone with AIDS. They wouldn’t even breathe the same air. Wouldn’t even hug ‘em. That’s awful.

It is awful. What was the reaction when you did shows like that? Did anyone ever try to stop you?

They never tried to stop me, which was very interesting. I wouldn’t have stopped anyway, but they never tried to.

You’re not wearing a wig now, are you?

No, this is my hair.

I got the impression from the book that you never went out without a wig on.

Well, I didn’t and then all of a sudden my hair began to grow under my wig and when I took it off I thought, “I don’t need these wigs anymore.” I just started sticking my hair up and letting it go. I washed it last night, which was a very daring thing on a trip, because it only looks good if it’s real dirty.

Well, it looks great now. You must have rolled in dirt.

Thank you.

So are you done with wigs? This is a news flash.

No, I’m not done with wigs, but I’m not gonna wear one unless I have to. If it’s raining outside, I might put one on because you can take it off and just shake it and put it back on and look great. You can’t do that with your own hair.

What motivated you to become a preacher?

It was sort of an accident. I mean, there are no accidents with God, I know, but people always ask me how I do the will of God for my life and I couldn’t tell them, I don’t know. I think you just get out and start doing something, if it works, it’s God’s will and if it doesn’t … [Laughs] Everybody’s on his own for that.

Are you still in touch with Jim Bakker?

Oh yeah. Jim and [his new wife] Lori live in Branson, and Jim’s back on television also. Not long ago, the grandkids graduated from their middle school and Jim and Lori came and Roe and I were there and we all laughed and had a really good time together. We all get along just fine, which is wonderful because I was married to Jim for 30 years so why not be friends?

Did you ever consider living a very private life after all your troubles and not going back out into the spotlight?

Oh, I tried until he [her friend Joe, across the table] came along. He literally pulled me back into my work again. He said, “Tammy, it’s not right that you sit back here and don’t do anything, because the people need you. They need you back.” And he was doing big flea markets at the time. Beautiful big flea markets. And he said, “I’ll tell you what, you try it. You come to my flea market, you sing, and you autograph pictures, you talk to the people, and let’s see how you feel doing that.” And when I went to that flea market it was totally, like, overwhelmingly awesome what happened. And [tearing up] I’ve been back ever since.

Who are your heroes?

I loved Lucille Ball. She was funny, and she was a tough woman. I like Dolly Parton because Dolly’s a tough, strong woman. I feel like we’re a lot alike. She has gone through a lot to get where she is. I like strong women.

In the book you say very specifically that you’re not a women’s libber.

I am not a women’s libber.

What does that mean?

It means that I love to be taken care of by my husband. I think it’s terrible that the men don’t open the doors anymore for the women; they don’t dare. The men don’t carry things for women anymore; they don’t dare. They don’t pay the bills anymore; they don’t dare. I mean, how awful is that?

We’ve ruined it ourselves. I want my husband there. I want to be under his protection and care. I love that feeling. And women’s libbers who say, Well, I can do it all myself. Well, I can’t do it all myself. I wouldn’t want to do it all myself.

But you’re hardly staying at home, meekly …

The calling of God is like a little puppy dog chasing you, nipping at your heels. “Pick me up, pick me up, pick me up.” And that little dog will not stop running after you till you pick it up. Once you get the calling of God on your life and God says, “I want you to work for me,” you can never lay it down.

Has anyone in your family fallen away from the church?

Oh, many. My own son drifted away from God. He was on drugs and an alcoholic. Oh yeah, of course they have, but they’ve all come back.

What’s your son doing these days?

He’s a preacher. He preaches better than his dad — and his dad was a good preacher. He goes all over the country, preaching to young people.

When he was in his drug phase …

That’s when his dad was in prison.

Did you feel somewhat responsible for that?

Oh, course I did. But even if you feel responsible for it, you still have to do something. So I just loved him. I didn’t understand drugs, I didn’t understand alcoholism. So all I did was clean his room, feed him food, love him, wash his clothes and then when he wasn’t looking pray for him, back in the bedroom on my knees.

And yet you, at least according to the documentary, also had a struggle with addiction at one point.

I had a struggle with a little prescription pill called Ativan because I was feeling like I was having a heart attack all the time. I was stressed. And when I would take an Ativan, that would go away. Now, if you were feeling like you were having a heart attack all the time, you’d want something to take it away. It’s a very scary thing. I’ve learned how to live without it now and how to control that stress in my life, through Betty Ford. That was the best thing that ever happened to me. To go there and get knowledge. And that knowledge set me free. I just cold-turkeyed it.

Do you think you have an addictive personality?

No, not at all. I don’t think I have an addictive personality. Because I don’t know of another thing I’ve ever been addicted to — ever. Well, shopping.

Whatever works.

It’s so funny because I’ll go out shopping. And I’ll hear women whistling and singing and humming. And I never see women as happy as when they’re out shopping.

So what made you decide to get eyeliner, eyebrows and lip liner permanently tattooed on your face? That’s a bold move.

No, it’s not a bold move. I tattooed around my eyes because I line them anyway. I tattooed my eyebrows on because they were gone from pulling them out so much when I was a little girl. When we were young ladies we all plucked them real thin and they never grew back in. So I had to do that. The only thing I wish I wouldn’t have done was the lining of my lips, but that’s all faded now, so it’s about gone.

It must have been incredibly painful.

It was. Yeah. It felt like fire. I thought, man, I don’t want to go to hell after that.

And the beauty mark you have tattooed on your face?

I did that way after. And I cover it up now.

So, plastic surgery: When you wrote the book you hadn’t had any.

No, I still haven’t. I want to do this [pulls skin on face taut] so bad. But I haven’t been able to get brave enough to do plastic surgery. Now I love liposuction. See, because your clothes can cover that if they mess up. But what can you cover your face with if they mess up? And I don’t like to see women who look as if they’re in perpetual surprise. So I may not ever get my face done. I just may age gracefully.

What made you decide to do lipo?

Oh, that was years ago. But I was a very round little woman. I was that old-fashioned hourglass figure and all the sand had fallen into the bottom.

What’s your house like?

I have just a simple little two-story Southern home on a cul de sac, but inside, it’s really fun. It looks like television sets everywhere, because I have two life-size dolls that are wearing my clothes that are sitting in the dining room drinking tea. I have them set up like a little tea party. They used to be on the bed, but I took them off because they used to scare everybody when they walked in the bedroom. So now they’re sipping tea in the dining room.

So you eat your meals next to them?

No, I don’t eat my meals there. I never go in the dining room. That’s why they’re sitting there. I eat in the kitchen. [Laughs]

So do you collect anything?

Oh my gosh, I have this horrible thing for purses. And I used to collect baby dolls. I just love ‘em. I just love to look at ‘em.

You waited for a while to have kids.

Nine years, because Jim wouldn’t let me have any kids. He didn’t want children because he was too interested in building a ministry and all. I was such a part of that that he felt that children didn’t belong in our lives. Me, I had the heart of a mom and I would beg God — beg — for a baby. And then finally after eight years, I went to the doctor to make sure I was all right. I told Jim, I gotta have a baby. So he let me. Then after the first one, he wanted 10. Yeah, forget that. It took me two days of screaming to get the first one here. I had the second one Cesarean section and then it was all over. You go to sleep and wake up and there it is.

Well, you have the scar to show for it.

You know, I’ve got a 9-inch scar from my cancer surgery and I thought, wouldn’t it be fun to go to a tattoo artist and have him tattoo a zipper? Wouldn’t that be fun? I think that would be so funny. Or like a rose stem or something?

Why not? As you like to say, if life gives you lemons …

Make some lemonade.

If life gives you a scar …

Make a zipper.

What are your days like now?

It goes between cleaning the house and scrubbing toilets and picking up wee-wee from the puppies. I use more Clorox Cleanup than any human being in the world with those two little puppies of mine, Muffin and Tuppins. I also make cigar-box purses, as a hobby.

What’s a cigar-box purse?

Oh man, they are darling. I go to the cigar store and get empty cigar boxes. I drill holes in them, put a handle on them and they’ve already got the paraphernalia on them to close them. I use my cigar-box purses all the time.

So does it cut down on your purse shopping?

No.

How did I know you were going to say that?

[Laughs]

So you have a reality TV project coming up?

Yeah, I do.

And what’s that about?

They lock you in a house for — oh, oops! It’s supposed to be a surprise.

So it’s not like an Anna Nicole thing where the camera follows you around.

No, they wanted to. I was approached to do a reality series but I said my life is too boring. How many times can you clean up puppy wee-wee and commodes and make beds and all that?

Do you ever feel like you can’t leave the house without makeup? Is it a burden, carrying your image around?

Well, I never have left the house without my makeup, but see, I do my makeup for me. I don’t do it for other people, so that’s no burden. The first thing I do in the morning is put my makeup on. It just takes me five or 10 minutes. I just put it on and go do my thing. So even if I don’t go out of the house I put my makeup on.

If you were stranded on a desert island and could only bring one makeup item with you, what would it be?

Eyeliner. You can do without the eyelashes, you can do without the mascara, but you can’t do without the eyeliner.

So what else do you have coming up?

I have a variety show for television that I think will be lots of fun. It’s going to be like “Tammy’s House Party” which I used to do at PTL. We’re gonna syndicate it if we can.

Is it Christian or secular?

It’s going to be both, a good mixture.

What kind of projects have you been approached with that you’ve turned down?

I won’t do anything with any pornography connected to it. I won’t do Comedy Central. I won’t do any shows where I have to pretend to be mean. I will only be real. I’ve turned down many, many shows. In fact, I’ve turned down almost a show a week.

When you say real, you mean be you?

No, I don’t mind acting, but I’m not going to act the part of somebody mean or I’m not going to go on a reality show that is rigged.

Honesty sounds like it’s really important to you.

Honesty to me is the most important thing in life because I think if you lose honesty you’ve lost everything.

So it’s ironic that one of the things that you and Jim Bakker were being accused of was dishonesty.

Yes, it is ironic. Neither one of us can believe it. And the people that know us can’t believe it.

So there was no truth to any of the allegations?

No, there was no truth. The newspapers absolutely made up things. There was no money misuse. There was no misuse of finances.

Do you think you just got too big for your britches and so the world just wanted to bring you down?

I think the world just likes to build people up and then bring them down. I think that’s human nature, which is really very sad. You build someone up and then you knock ‘em down. Then you love to see them fall down. I think that’s very sad.

Are you worried that if you get built up too much again the same thing can happen again?

I’ll probably die before that. [Laughs]

Finding joy in Down syndrome

The author of "Bloom" talks about accepting her daughter's condition and rethinking her idea of the "perfect child"

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Finding joy in Down syndrome
This article appears courtesy of The Barnes & Noble Review.

Kelle Hampton, the author of the eye-opening new memoir “Bloom: Finding Beauty in the Unexpected,” left for the hospital to give birth to her second child with “everything just — perfect,” packing not only the birth music, the blankets she’d made herself, the baby’s coming-home outfit, a special nightgown and a crown for the baby’s big sister, but also hand-designed, beribboned favors to pass out to visitors. Yet the moment her newborn daughter, Nella, was placed in her arms, Hampton’s concept of perfection altered in an instant: Though ultrasounds had signaled nothing unusual, Nella was born with Down syndrome.

Barnes & Noble ReviewHampton writes with bracing, brave honesty about her initial response to Nella’s condition — “I think I cried for seven hours straight. It was gut-wrenching pain” — and her struggle to find hope, joy and an expanse of possibilities in what first seemed to bring only sadness. As on her blog, Enjoying the Small Things, the journey Hampton records in “Bloom” becomes a call — and not only to parents — to rethink our concepts of perfection, discover our capacities for resilience, appreciate the family and friends on whom we depend and, yes, find beauty where we may not have noticed it.

We asked Hampton, via email, about “Bloom” and the experiences and impulses that inspired it. It may be typical of the author that she immediately turned the task of tackling our questions into an event worthy of celebration, writing, “I’ll put some good music on tonight, light a candle, grab a beer, and completely enjoy the process.”

The Barnes & Noble Review: One remarkable aspect of your writing is your knack for tapping into emotions, both your own and your readers’. Has motherhood — and particularly Nella’s birth — made you more connected to your emotions?

Kelle Hampton: I feel emotions very intensely. Expressing them is another story. I think we’re all conditioned to mask certain emotions because we think they won’t be accepted or they’re “too much.” Motherhood definitely compelled me to express emotions more freely. The depth of love, the fear of losing, the need to protect, the unearthly joy — it was too much for me to contain. That’s why I started writing more. And writing something I was thinking seemed more acceptable than saying it out loud. Then with Nella’s birth, there were these contrasting emotions that were so difficult to deal with — grief, fear, sadness, shame. But once I expressed them through writing and realized other women related to them, it gave me the freedom to express myself in a way I had never done before.

BNR: ”Bloom,” like your blog, uses photos and text to tell your story. Why did you choose to combine both elements?

KH: The book is a testament to my journey that first year, and writing and photography played equal parts in my healing and perspective shift. Because the book deals with Down syndrome, a condition that has many negative stereotypes, the photos are a powerful way to showcase the beauty of these children and the beauty Nella brought to our family.

BNR: Early in “Bloom” you mention a book you read shortly before Nella’s birth, Donald Miller’s “A Million Miles in a Thousand Years,” which spoke to you of “the power of challenges — how living a life of comfort does nothing to make us grow, and how hard times shape us.” But you also say you couldn’t fully grasp Miller’s message until you went through your own challenges. Can we learn life lessons from books or only from our own experiences?

KH: I’ve thought about this question a lot, especially from a parent’s perspective, because we make efforts to keep our children from pain and to give them happiness. No one wishes heartache for their child, and yet I know a lot of my happiness and contentment today comes from challenging experiences and sadness in my past. I think we can learn a lot from others’ experiences, and books give us an opportunity to do that. But life without any pain is unrealistic, and the great thing about reading books and learning from others is that when we do go through hard things, we’re more equipped to handle them and don’t feel quite so alone.

BNR: I initially assumed that, before Nella’s birth, you’d led a life without much difficulty. But then you discussed challenges you faced during childhood, in particular the breakup of your parents’ marriage when your father, a preacher, came out as gay. Did those childhood challenges help prepare you for those you’ve faced as a mother?

KH: My siblings and I talk about this a lot — the fact that we are so grateful for our past, even though it has a lot of pain, because it made us tough and definitely more compassionate. Once I started writing those chapters from my past, it really hit me how much those painful memories created a foundation for later challenges in my life. Does that mean someone who had a dreamy, heartache-free childhood is at a disadvantage for handling hard times as an adult? Not necessarily.

It’s important to me, as a mother, not to shield my children from life’s more disheartening realities but to bring awareness to them in a way that gives my children both a sense of gratitude for what they have and the motivation to bring positive change to their world. I want my girls to know that life isn’t going to be without pain, but I also want to equip them with love and confidence and a perspective that allows them to face these challenges when they come.

BNR: You learned fairly early in life to embrace difference. But still you struggled at first to embrace the ways Nella was different from the daughter you had envisioned. How has your sense of “perfection” changed since you had Nella?

KH: I’ve definitely shifted my views of perfection away from image and more to inner happiness, and that shift has taken away so much pressure and allowed me the freedom to really be myself. That, in itself, is happiness.

BNR: After Nella’s birth, your close circle of girlfriends — your “Net,” as you call them — stayed with you, giving you incredible support. What do you think is the secret to having such close female friends?

KH: I think women’s friendships get a bad rap in the media. They’re portrayed as catty, jealous and unsupportive. That saddens me because I know how amazing it is to be part of a group of women where you find love and support. I think women have high expectations for each other, and sometimes we are inclined to run or drop a friendship at the first sign of drama. I embrace my friendships with the understanding that because we are all women with fiery personalities, big dreams, and a hell of a lot of passion, some drama is inevitable.

You have to approach it with compassion and forgive mistakes, because we all make them. Of course, yes, you also need to make choices to surround yourself with people who bring out the best in you, who challenge you, who bring good energy. Those who don’t aren’t worth exhausting efforts.

Secondly, if you want close relationships with friends, you have to be vulnerable. I know how much it means to me when a friend admires me enough to call, crying, asking for help or trusting me with an intimate conversation. Likewise, I want to do the same and reach out to my friends, revealing my own vulnerabilities. My friends are great for shopping, laughing, or going out for drinks, but the best, most beautiful moments I’ve experienced with them are far more serious. And when you experience heartache with a friend at your side, it is bonding in a way that can’t be forgotten.

BNR: Do you think women can support each other in ways that men (even husbands) cannot in tough times, and particularly those involving parenting?

KH: As much I support equal rights for men and women, there are certain gifts women possess that men don’t naturally have and vice versa. Even though Nella is [Hampton's husband] Brett’s child and he, of course, was the only one who could sympathize with that personal parental loss of receiving her diagnosis, there was something so comforting that came from my friends — women who understood, in a way Brett couldn’t, the emotional aspect of the end of a pregnancy, a mother’s expectations, the ideal birth experience.

BNR: You write that you knew immediately, before anyone told you, that Nella had Down syndrome and worry that you didn’t show her enough love at that moment. We all sometimes feel a disconnect between the mother we want to be and the mother we fear we are in a particular moment. Should we even have a concept of what makes the “perfect” mother? Does that give us something to strive for, or give us only impossible standards we’ll never measure up to?

KH: I think we all have this imaginary version of the perfect mother we want to be. There is a quote I love about the fact that there is no way to be a perfect mother, but there are a million ways to be a good one. I try to focus on that, to know that when I try my best, acknowledge mistakes, follow my instincts, and remind myself of what’s most important, that is perfect parenting.

BNR: I wonder, too, about the dangers of our expectations for our kids. If we have a preconceived notion of who they should be, we may fail to appreciate them as they are. That’s a lesson you say you’ve learned. Is it something you feel is important for all mothers to learn?

KH: Yes! I’m learning it with Lainey [Hampton's elder daughter] just as much as with Nella. I’ve been challenging myself not to push Lainey to be a leader all the time. I have a preconceived notion that kids need to be leaders, not followers, and my husband recently reminded me that we do not need to tell our children to be leaders; we need to tell them to be themselves. It makes us all happier — to sit back, to lead by example, to accept what we are given, and to love our children no matter what path they choose to take in life.

BNR: Motherhood can be a touchy topic. Some of the emotions and responses you talk about in the book are bound to incite strong responses — mostly positive, but perhaps also negative. Were you afraid, writing about such personal topics, that you might be misunderstood and attacked?

KH: When I first published Nella’s birth story [on her blog], I discovered right away that being honest about touchy things is not always well received. It was good for me to read responses, even those “Oh my God, what kind of mother would say they want to run away!?” remarks. It initiated a personal process for me of challenging myself to write what’s true — in a respectful way, of course — and not to change my writing to cater to other people.

BNR: Did you ever find yourself pulling back? Or did you just write through those concerns?

KH: There were parts that I went to write and stopped to ponder the effects first. And, most always, I proceeded, hoping that people will understand this is my journey. Memoirs are personal, and not everyone is going to shake their head “yes” to every line, and that’s OK. The other side is that it has been incredibly fulfilling to read e-mails from women who have said, “Thank you for saying that. I felt it too, but didn’t want to say it, and you make me feel normal for admitting it.”

BNR: Do you worry about how your kids will respond to what you write when they’re old enough to read and understand it?

KH: What I wouldn’t do to have my own mother’s thoughts and photos and words and things that inspired her preserved from when we were little. I hope my children, through reading everything I’ve written — the good, the bad, the beautiful — will always read between the lines and be inspired by the constant truth of “Wow, she loved us. She celebrated life.”

BNR: One of the things you consider is how much you let your sense of how society perceives you shape how you feel about yourself. Was writing this book a way of shaping your own identity — and taking charge of your own narrative?

KH: I can’t begin to explain what writing this book has personally done for me. I owned every word I wrote, and as I typed it, I believed it even more. Empowerment — that’s what it is. I realize how much stronger I am, how much more effective I am in living purposefully, when I take control of how I feel about myself, my family and raising my kids, write it down, and put it out there for the world to see.

BNR: It sounds like writing is deeply therapeutic for you.

KH: There’s something mysterious and enlightening about the space I give myself when I write. It’s when I take all those loose philosophical/emotional thoughts I’ve had throughout the week and weave them together. I learn a lot about myself. I face my pain and struggles head-on, and I overcome them through the process of expressing myself. And, for me, when I write I’m going to do something? It’s even more powerful than saying it. When I write, “I’m going to rock this out,” it’s almost as if I hear the band in the background with each letter I type. I feel motivated, eager, excited. I’m inspired in a way I can’t explain. Writing is powerful — and it doesn’t cost near as much as therapy does.

BNR: Is it the same with photography?

KH: After taking pictures for a while, you begin to look at life a little differently, continually scanning landscapes, people, situations for that “framable” shot. In those first days, taking photos of Nella brought light to her beauty and made me recognize how perfect she was — the new, wrinkled skin on her fingers, those sparse rows of tiny eyelashes, her soft cowlick of silky hair. And it went beyond Nella as well. When I thought my world was this depressing reality, I’d pick up my camera and see the opposite — oh look, a sunset. Vivid blue skies. My child holding an ice cream cone with rainbow sprinkles. A dimpled smile. My husband rocking his new girl to sleep. I never stopped taking pictures of these things, and it sinks in after a while: Look for the good, and you will find it.

BNR: What are you most hoping readers will take away from “Bloom”?

KH: Life is full of challenges. But life is also as beautiful as you create it to be.

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“Busy Monsters”: A wacky debut novel

The wacky, wonderful "Busy Monsters" follows a writer through a series of hilarious encounters

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If Charles Homar, the narrator and antihero of William Giraldi’s debut novel, “Busy Monsters,” somehow showed up on your doorstep — on his way, perhaps, to murder a romantic rival, to capture the mythical beast Bigfoot, or to reclaim the giant squid-obsessed object of his affection, Gillian — you might want to shut the door politely yet firmly. Not only is Charlie seriously solipsistic, thoroughly trouble prone, given to talking as if he’s devoured a thesaurus, and occasionally weapon toting; you’d also assuredly find your foibles and failings flamboyantly recounted for the 600,000 readers of New Nation Weekly, where Homar’s memoirs regularly appear.

Barnes & Noble ReviewBut as unpalatable as the fictional Homar would be as a real live person, he’s an absolutely delicious character, making a series of hilariously nearsighted (and outright bad) decisions to propel himself through this far-fetched (and downright funny) narrative.

Each wacky, action-packed chapter of “Busy Monsters” is an installment in the serialized memoirs Charles publishes in his weekly magazine column; he periodically pauses in the midst of his adventures to hammer out another segment on deadline “for my slave-driving editor.” Amusingly, the people Charles meets in each chapter have all read his preceding serialized installments — and have opinions on Charles’ story and style that may echo the reader’s own thoughts and responses. “I have a nagging suspicion that only about forty percent of what you write is true,” one character tells Charles upon meeting him. “I also think your people all speak alike.”

It’s a clever device, and less gimmicky than you might think, in part because Giraldi, who teaches writing at Boston University and is a fiction editor at the literary magazine AGNI, seems completely in control. The voice he has given Charles is singular and arresting; it’s flowery but a bit thorny, too — occasionally overwhelming like a heavy perfume — and filled with quirky turns of phrase, unexpected literary and cultural allusions, self-aware asides, and highfalutin word choices that would make Roget swell with pride.

The plot, too, is an exciting yet masterfully managed hodgepodge. “Stunned by love and some would say stupid from too much sex, I decided I had to drive down South to kill a man,” the book begins. A different author might try to stretch the suspense stirred by that opening setup into an entire novel; Giraldi settles that plot point in the first chapter and then takes us all sorts of other surprising places.

One moment Charlie is drunk with love and breaking into a Virginia state trooper’s home with blood on his mind and “a killer’s knife tucked into my boot,” the next he’s mad with heartbreak, firing a borrowed rifle at the hull of a squid hunter’s ship. The latter escapade lands him in a pleasant Maine jail, where he enjoys gourmet prison food and shares a cell with a computer geek interested in the Loch Ness monster. And then he’s off to Washington state on a misguided mission to impress his far-flung former fiancée by bagging Bigfoot, accompanying a man whose business card reads “ROMP: I BRING IT BACK DEAD.”

Let us pause here for a description of Romp, courtesy of Charles’ friend Groot: “Hunter. Scholar. Priest. Negro. Prophet. Man of jazz and all items sacrosanct. Shaves with obsidian. Has razzle and the necessary dazzle to mix it with. Also copulated with Florence Ballard [of the singing group the Supremes] in 1974.”

Giraldi’s characters are all similarly kooky and compelling. We meet people like Sandy McDougal, Charles’s wall-eyed ex-girlfriend, who has traded academia for alien abduction and taken up with a pint-size Filipino flim-flam man; Morris Hammerstein, an enlightened Jewish astronomer and family man who ends up boxing an angry lesbian (stereotypes are self-consciously abundant in Charles’ narratives) in his backyard; and Richie Lombardo, a famous body builder with a couple of Ivy League-educated Asian call girls named Mimi from Madam Chung’s House of Superior Entertainment going at it near the basement barbells in his luxe New Jersey manse.

After all his randy and reckless romps hither and thither, by the time Charles finally, in the story’s finale, makes a decent decision — “People? This is how I develop here, people: by taking charge of this situation in a sensible fashion, by choosing order over chaos, by pushing instead of being pulled. I am asserting my will,” he tells a passel of characters urging a more dramatic and dangerous choice — readers may be ready to see him go. The same cannot be said of this entertaining debut’s author. Having invited him in, we’ll want to see Giraldi stick around awhile.

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“Does the Noise in My Head Bother You?”: A rock star revealed

The Aerosmith frontman has done many drugs and slept with lots of women -- and he'd like to tell you about it

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During a recent episode of “American Idol,” the popular TV talent show in which the famously foul-mouthed and flamboyant Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler has reinvented himself as a family-friendly judge, host Ryan Seacrest good-naturedly stopped by the judging table to rib Tyler about his new book, “Does the Noise in My Head Bother You?”

Barnes & Noble Review“This book is not for the faint of heart,” Seacrest noted, adding, “You’ve really exposed yourself here. Is there any area you haven’t touched?”

Tyler dodged the question, but the answer may well be “no.” In his wildly galloping memoir (not to be confused with Aerosmith’s 2003 exercise in group autobiography, “Walk This Way”), the man who has long fired up the blue-jean-wearing masses with songs including “Dream On,” “Sweet Emotion,” “Walk This Way” and “Dude (Looks Like a Lady),” singing and strutting his way into rock ‘n’ roll history, seems to have left no story untold, no score unsettled, no secret unrevealed.

He rips into venal ex-managers and jealous ex-wives. (No fan of lawyers or monogamy he.) He goes into detail about the drugs he’s done (he seems to have done them all, fondly describing where and how he did them and with whom and how they affected him) and the women he’s done (ditto). He describes long-standing grievances with fellow band members (he and guitarist Joe Perry weren’t called the “Toxic Twins” for nothing: “JOE’S A CREEP — I’M AN ASSHOLE,” he writes emphatically) and even goes so far as to reveal their relative endowments.

While the book is unapologetically profane, inarguably self-serving and at times ragingly uncontrolled (like a memoir amped up on speed), it’s also bracingly honest, frequently funny (as “Idol” watchers and Aerosmith fans know, Tyler has a way with a clever turn of phrase) and admirably human. Tyler’s now 63 and a grandpa. He’s gotten clean (several times), had children by three different women (two of whom he’d married), broken up and gotten back together with his band (who knows how many times?), and has finally made peace with many of his demons: the drug addictions, the romantic betrayals, the parenting failures, the ego-driven battles with band mates.

“I may be a monster,” he writes, in apparent hope that the reader might see “the more spiritual side of me” beneath the bad boy stereotype, “but I’m a sensitive monster.”

Ultimately, Tyler seems torn between the urge to preserve his carefully cultivated rock star pose and the desire to drop the mask. “It’s hard to tell who I am by the trail left by my musical career,” he writes. “I am the Demon of Screamin’, the dude that looks like a lady, the rag doll that married Lucy in the Sky. But I’m also something more than the rock ‘n’ roll junky whore who got his foot inside the door.”

Beneath Tyler’s sex-and-drugs-and-rock-’n'-roll tough talk and raging narcissism — Tyler calls it LSD: Lead Singer Disorder — there’s a surprising self-awareness, a capacity for empathy, an ability to connect. That’s a big part of what has attracted all those fans and all those women — and now, one imagines, all those readers.

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Your sons’ summer vacation reading list

From amphibian tales to sinister sci-fi, your guide to keeping your boys reading throughout the holiday months

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Your sons' summer vacation reading list

Last week, we hoped to spark conversation — and further suggestions — with a list of five amazing books to hand daughters this summer. We’re not leaving the boys behind. Here is our list of five great books for boys of all ages (books that will also, of course, appeal to girls, too). If your (or your kid’s) favorite book has been left off this list — John D. Fitzgerald’s “The Great Brain”? Norton Juster’s “The Phantom Tollbooth”? The Lemony Snicket books? Or, for the sports-minded child, Dan Gutman’s Baseball Card Adventure Series, or Kadir Nelson’s remarkable “We Are the Ship”? — blog about it on Open Salon: Just make sure to tag your post “Building a bookworm,” and we’ll cross-post the best ones onto Salon itself.

And now for our list:

“Frog and Toad Are Friends” by Arnold Lobel (Ages 4-8)

The thing about Lobel’s Frog and Toad — see also the equally wonderful “Days With Frog and Toad,” “Frog and Toad All Year” and “Frog and Toad Together” — is that, despite the whole amphibian thing, they’re so damn human. Toad is crabby, self-doubting and, let’s face it, somewhat prone to depression. Frog has a sunny, can-do disposition. And they may be an odd couple, of the Oscar and Felix variety, but they are also kind, supportive, considerate, loving friends. And though these stories are, of course, beloved by children of both sexes, the way these two very different fellows take care of each other — and delight in each other’s company — seems like a particularly valuable example for young boys.

“Diary of a Wimpy Kid” by Jeff Kinney (Ages 9-12)

Kinney’s “Wimpy Kid” series may not be writing at its finest, but it has struck a major chord with boys, capturing the attention of even the most reluctant readers. Described as “a novel in cartoons” — with lots of drawn illustrations, a lined-paper format and a font that looks like handwriting — it has an undeniable charm, evoking the misery that is middle school in spare, deft strokes. Its beleaguered narrator, Greg Heffley, isn’t the most sympathetic character, selling out his best friend Rowley when the occasion suits him, but he has a keen eye for demoralizing details. Like the cheese that lies rotting and repulsive on his school blacktop, spawning the terrors of “Cheese Touch.” “It’s basically like the Cooties,” Greg explains. “If you get the Cheese Touch, you’re stuck with it until you pass it on to someone else. The only way to protect yourself from the Cheese Touch is to cross your fingers.” If that doesn’t take you right back to middle school, well, you’re luckier than some of us.

“Danny the Champion of the World” by Roald Dahl (Ages 9-12)

If there is a more moving depiction of the relationship between a son and his father in all of literature than the one in this rollicking adventure tale, we’d sure like to know about it. “It is impossible to tell you how much I loved my father,” Dahl’s narrator, Danny, tells us. “When he was sitting close to me on my bunk I would reach out and slide my hand into his, and then he would fold his long fingers around my fist, holding it tight.” But Danny’s love for his dad — a filling station owner and widower who is raising his only child in a gypsy caravan — is apparent in every line, every moment of this story. Danny’s dad, he tells us, is an “eye-smiler,” whose eyes flash and twinkle when he is amused, but who never much moves his mouth. “I was glad my father was an eye-smiler,” Danny writes, “because it is impossible to make your eyes twinkle if you aren’t feeling twinkly yourself.” This gentle, funny, genuinely wonderful book will leave boys (and their parents) eye-smiling and deliciously amused.

“The Lightning Thief” by Rick Riordan (Ages 9-12)

Start your son on this first book in Riordan’s Percy Jackson and the Olympians series and watch him read away his summer. When we first meet Percy, he just seems like a troubled kid on the verge of getting kicked out of yet another school. In fact, he’s gone through six schools in six years: Bad things just seem to keep happening to him. It isn’t long before Percy (short for Perseus), and we, learn that those strange things he thinks he’s been hallucinating are actually real. Mythological monsters and gods — satyrs, minotaurs, centaurs — really are populating his life and he himself is a half-blood: His father, whom he never knew and had been told had been “lost at sea,” is, in fact, Poseidon. This popular series is a great read for any myth-minded kid who cut his teeth on “D’Aulaires’ Book of Greek Myths.” Come to think of it, it’s a great read for any kid. Come to think of it again, it’s just a great read.

“The Giver” by Lois Lowry (Young Adult)

This book about a futuristic world that initially seems utopian (no crime, no poverty, no illness, abundantly good manners), but, as it turns out, is less than ideal (no color, no music, no sunshine), is creepy yet altogether compelling. As it begins, 11-year-old Jonas is apprehensively anticipating his Ceremony of Twelve, when he will receive his adult Assignment from the Committee of Elders. Will he be a Nurturer or a judge, like the parents who are raising him? Will be a Caretaker of the Old, like his friend Fiona? But Jonas does not receive a conventional assignment: He is selected to become the community’s next Receiver of Memory, tasked absorbing the collective recollection of pain and pleasure, which the community has long since eschewed in pursuit of comfort, stability and Sameness. Jonas meets daily with the previous Receiver, now the Giver, and learns to appreciate a world with choice and compassion — and love.

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Your daughters’ summer vacation reading list

Looking for smart books to entertain your girls when they're home from school? Here's your guide

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Your daughters' summer vacation reading list

Memorial Day is just around the corner, and school is nearly out. Even if you’ve planned a full summer of activities for your kids — camps, trips, days at the beach — there may come a moment when they look at you, bored and beseeching, wondering how to fill those long, hot days. What then?

Hand them a book. A really good book. To help you out, we’ve put together two lists of great books for kids, one tailored especially for girls, one curated with boys in mind, though of course all the books on these lists may be enjoyed by kids of either gender. This week we’ll start off with especially engaging reads for girls of all ages (the boys list will appear next Thursday):

“Lilly’s Purple Plastic Purse” by Kevin Henkes (Ages 4-8)

Plenty of people have other favorites by Henkes — “Chrysanthemum,” “Owen,” “Sheila Rae, the Brave,” “Chester’s Way.” But “Lilly’s Purple Plastic Purse” stands out for its emotional nuance. Lilly, a young mouse who wears fabulous red cowboy boots, adores her teacher, Mr. Slinger. One day, Lilly brings her new purse to school, and is seriously excited to show it to the class. Asked to wait, she can’t quite manage to restrain herself, repeatedly interrupting the class to show off her new treasure. When Mr. Slinger takes the purse away until the end of the school day, Lilly, infuriated, gets revenge by drawing a mean picture of him and slipping it into his bag. Then, on the way home, she finds that Mr. Slinger has written her a sweet note, “Today was a difficult day. Tomorrow will be better.” Lilly is filled with sickening regret. But she apologizes and is forgiven and, best of all, manages to forgive herself. Mr. Slinger’s words, and Lilly’s acceptance of herself — on good days and bad — are lessons that any fabulous little girl (or grown woman) who occasionally struggles to control her impulses can take to heart.

“Eloise” by Kay Thompson, Drawings by Hilary Knight (Ages 7 and up)

There’s a reason this book about a 6-year-old girl making all manner of mischief in New York’s Plaza Hotel, originally published in 1955, is beloved by girls and women everywhere. Actually, there are myriad reasons, Knight’s breathtakingly elegant, deliciously expressive illustrations significantly among them. But mostly, it’s Eloise herself — that never-bored, perpetually inventive little girl, who orders everything from room service with a definitive “and charge it please, Thank you very much,” torments her tutor, adores her nanny, misses her absent mom (though she’d never say so), braids her pet turtle Skipperdee’s ears first thing each morning (“Otherwise he gets cross and develops a rash”), and generally spends her days, well, pretty much as she pleases. She’s a far cry from the overscheduled, helicopter-parented children of today.

“Ramona the Pest” by Beverly Cleary (Ages 7-12)

There are those who would make a strong case that Barbara Park’s more recent Junie B. Jones series is the better girl-starring series for this age group. Then there are those who remember devouring Cleary’s books by the pile when they themselves were around 7. Those people will point to the books’ enduring popularity, and the fact that the adventures (er … misadventures) of the irrepressible Romana can still deeply absorb girls — and yes, boys, too — just transitioning to chapter books, and make them laugh and laugh. If Ramona is a pest, she’s a pest many children can truly relate to.

“Little Women,” by Louisa May Alcott (Ages 9-12)

Ah, the March sisters — coltish tomboy Jo; frail, sweet Beth; beautiful, practical Meg; pampered, artistic Amy — living in genteel poverty with their mother, Marmee, in their New England home and struggling to make the best of things while their father is away, fighting in the Civil War. As wonderfully warm and endearingly romantic as you may remember them to be, the stories that make up the novel are surprisingly insightful, fresh and modern. It’s a book worth returning to, if you haven’t picked it up since childhood, and a lovely book for girls in the midst of their own.

“Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret” by Judy Blume (Ages 9-12)

For many girls and young women, this book pretty much wraps up their preteen years: the angst over their changing bodies (or bodies that aren’t changing fast enough), the confusion over fitting in socially and staking a claim to their own beliefs, the deep desire to know right now what life will bring them at its own pace. Blume’s protagonist, 11-year-old Margaret, whose family moves to the New Jersey suburbs from New York City when she’s on the brink of sixth grade — that universally difficult year — contends with all of this, chatting with God in her bed at night though she has been raised in a non-religious home. Grown-ups who read this book years or even decades ago (it was initially released in 1970) can probably conjure images of first bras and first periods. And while they may recall how personal and real the book felt, they may have forgotten how funny it is, too.

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Is your favorite book sorely lacking from this list? Let’s face it, any list of five great books for girls is, by definition, woefully inadequate. Where, you might ask, looking over this handful of literary selections, is Frances Hodgson Burnett’s “The Secret Garden”? Or Roald Dahl’s “Matilda”? Or L.M. Mongtomery’s “Anne of Green Gables”? Or Astrid Lindren’s “Pippi Longstocking”? Or Madeline L’Engle’s “A Wrinkle in Time”? Or Alice, or Madeline, or Coraline? Or, frankly, a host of other long-loved favorites?

If your most treasured read hasn’t been included here, don’t shake your fist in the air and curse the gods at the injustice of it all: Blog about your own summer reading suggestions for kids on Open Salon (make sure to explain what makes them so great). Don’t forget to tag your post “Building a bookworm.” We’ll be cross-posting your submissions on Salon in the coming weeks.

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