Movies
“The Cat in the Hat”
It's not worth your money. Not even one look. Mike Myers has butchered a great children's book.
Any filmmaker who feels the need to explain a talking fish has no business making a movie of “The Cat in the Hat.” In the world of Dr. Seuss, there’s no more need to explain a talking goldfish who warns his people against the shenanigans of a 6-foot-tall talking, juggling cat than there is to explain … a 6-foot-tall talking, juggling cat.
In the dreadful new big-screen version of “The Cat in the Hat,” as soon as the fish opens his fishy mouth to burble out a fishy warning, there’s a cut to the little boy and girl he lives with (Spencer Breslin and Dakota Fanning) with the requisite amazed look on their faces, followed by the inevitable equivalent of “Hey! The fish can talk!” (Of course he can talk, you wretched little nits — you’re in a Dr. Seuss story.)
It’s a small moment, but it sums up exactly what’s wrong with this film: It was made by people who can’t give themselves over to the logic of Dr. Seuss’ skewed storybook world. Instead of simply allowing strange and wonderful things to happen, they have to tell us strange and wonderful things are happening. And then, because, of course, we all know that today’s kids are media-savvy little meta-boogers, they have to provide fourth-wall-breaking asides and wiseass jokes, which puts everything in quotation marks and trashes what little fantasy has made it to the screen.
“The Cat in the Hat,” which was directed by Bo Welch and adapted by Alec Berg, David Mandel and Jeff Schaffer, is like a perverse new variation of Manny Farber’s famous definition of “termite art,” meaning art that eats through the barriers other art defines itself by. This movie eats itself. You see the millions of dollars spent on the Candy Land production design (by Alex McDowell) and the special effects and the makeup that transforms star Mike Myers into the cat, and you’re not for a second meant to believe any of it. The movie is crass and vulgar almost beyond belief.
I enjoy raunchy humor, and I don’t necessarily believe kids need to be protected from it. But the raunchy humor here is antithetical to the spirit of Dr. Seuss, and it’s likely to sail right over the heads of the kids in the audience. So who is it meant for? The adults who are going to take their kids over the upcoming holiday vacation? Maybe, though it might make them uncomfortable to hear some of this stuff with their kids around. The jokes seem more like the filmmakers’ way of saying, Hey, we may be making a kids’ movie, but we’re not goody-goodies.
Is there any other reason for a framed picture of the kids’ mother (Kelly Preston) to open up like a centerfold, causing the Cat’s crumpled, striped top hat to shoot straight up in the air? Is there any reason for Mike Myers to stop in the middle of one scene to plug the Universal Studios theme park (Universal, along with DreamWorks, is releasing the movie) other than to A) get in a product placement and B) claim that he’s satirizing product placement? What’s the point of a club scene except to provide an excuse for a cameo from Paris Hilton? (And, really, who cares?) I laughed at some of the jokes here — a few politically incorrect moments with a sleepy Asian baby sitter, and some of the stuff Alec Baldwin does as the creep next door who’s dating the kids’ mother — but I felt cheap for laughing.
Welch and his team don’t get anything right. The cinematography, by the gifted Emmanuel Lubezki (best known for his work with Alfonso Cuarón), is intended as a powdery pastel travesty of the storybooks and ’50s advertising illustrations of suburbia. The colors pop out at you, and they’re entirely wrong for the muted palette of Seuss’ children’s classic. Lubezki throws all the screaming pinks and lime greens and bright purples he can onto the screen, and they’re no match for what Seuss got with black and gray and red and blue. To include the strange curves and angles of Seuss’ world, the movie resorts to a subplot about the entire house being sucked into an alternate dimension — another example of the moviemakers trying to explain things that simply happen in the book.
Expanding a storybook of a few hundred words into a 73-minute movie necessarily means expanding the story. But was the little object lesson the filmmakers have come up with the only way to do it? The two children here are Conrad (Breslin), a budding sociopath, and Sally (Fanning), a good-doobee little creep who plans out her day on a PalmPilot. (All I have to say about this preternaturally seasoned child performer is: I do not like this girl Dakota. I do not like her one iota.) They’ve been warned to keep the house neat because their mom’s persnickety boss (Sean Hayes) is coming over that night. As in the Seuss original, the Cat wreaks havoc in the house with the aid of two strange little mnookins, Thing One and Thing Two. (Their movie incarnations are really creepy — as if some movie-mad makeup artist had melded the masks from “Planet of the Apes” and “Eyes Without a Face.”)
But unlike the book, the movie has a little lesson to impart. Conrad has to learn that fun has its limits, and Sally has to learn to be spontaneous. What’s more, they have to learn to — gulp — like each other. Movies that set out to teach a lesson are a drag to begin with. When that goody-goody lesson comes after an hour and a quarter of lamebrained gags, it’s like being in the presence of one of those ancient Catskills-Vegas blue comedians who ends his act with a brotherhood speech.
What’s especially depressing about “The Cat in the Hat” is that here, that old Vegas hambone is Mike Myers. At first, Myers seems to be taking an approach to the character, even if it’s all wrong. Speaking in an accent that sounds as if he’s still doing Linda Richman from “Saturday Night Live’s” “Coffee Talk,” Myers uses the Cat to spout a Borscht Belt-style showbiz shpritz. He’s so fast, veering between leg pulling and faux sincerity, that the very inappropriateness of the performance for a kids movie makes you giddy. It gets wearying fast, though, and Myers winds up doing something he’s never done before — begging the audience to find him adorable. Myers cheapens his talent in “The Cat in the Hat.” He’s done far raunchier material in the “Austin Powers” movies, but the jokes here lack the sweet-spirited silliness of those movies. This performance is self-aware in a way that’s fatal to comedy.
During his lifetime, Dr. Seuss was notoriously picky about allowing adaptations of his books. That worked in everybody’s favor, giving us Chuck Jones’ great version of “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” and the Camden recording of what for me is Seuss’ masterpiece, “Dr. Seuss’s Sleep Book,” narrated by Marvin Miller with music by Marty Gold. Seuss’ widow, Audrey Geisel, has not shown anything approaching her late husband’s taste. She OK’d the stinkburger Ron Howard and Jim Carrey remake of “The Grinch,” as well as this movie. Others will presumably follow. “The Cat in the Hat” is the best argument yet made for extending artists’ rights beyond the grave.
Charles Taylor is a columnist for the Newark Star-Ledger. More Charles Taylor.
Pick of the week: Haunting, gorgeous “Oslo, August 31st”
Pick of the week: "Oslo, August 31st" is a wrenching voyage of discovery in Norway's suddenly trendy capital
“Oslo, August 31st” is, as the title suggests, an evocation of one day in the Norwegian capital, as experienced by a troubled young man who’s facing the end of summer and the end of his youth. It’s a marvelously constructed personal journey, both wrenching and bittersweet, whose emotional ripple effects stay with you for days and weeks afterward. While much of international art cinema can seem overly talky or conceptually alien to American viewers, this second feature film from Norwegian director Joachim Trier is a dynamic, even breathtaking visual experience without much dialogue or any philosophical heavy lifting, following the bony, handsome, exceedingly vulnerable Anders (Anders Danielsen Lie) through coffee shops, nightclubs and bodies of water, en route to an ambiguous final destination.
Continue Reading Close“Moonrise Kingdom”: Wes Anderson’s mid-’60s love story
Bruce Willis and Ed Norton are at their best in the rapturous summer fantasy "Moonrise Kingdom"
Tilda Swinton, Bruce Willis and Edward Norton in "Moonrise Kingdom" All the details of Wes Anderson’s rapturous and hilarious mid-1960s New England summer romance “Moonrise Kingdom,” taken one at a time, are plausible. Indeed they are more than plausible; they’re perfect, from the fitted uniforms and yellow canvas tents of the troop of “Khaki Scouts” headed by cigarette-smoking Edward Norton to the achingly picturesque island home where the brood of children belonging to Bill Murray and Frances McDormand sit around listening to the Leonard Bernstein recording of “A Young Person’s Guide to the Orchestra.” (I’m not going to bother questioning whether that record existed in 1965; some production intern probably spent half a day tracking down its history.)
Continue Reading CloseMovie assailant punches a kid, becomes a folk hero
A 10-year-old gets punched in the face for being too noisy at "Titanic" -- and the Internet applauds the beating
(Credit: iStockphoto/IBushuev) It’s a general rule of thumb that a grown man doesn’t get a lot of support for knocking out a 10-year-old child’s teeth. But Yong Hyun Kim has won himself a few fans lately for doing just that.
Back on April 11, the 21-year-old Washington state man settled in with his girlfriend to enjoy “Titanic” in 3D — right in front of a boy known only in police documents as KJJ. What ensued led to a night in jail and a charge of second-degree assault.
Continue Reading Close
Mary Elizabeth Williams is a staff writer for Salon and the author of "Gimme Shelter: My Three Years Searching for the American Dream." Follow her on Twitter: @embeedub. More Mary Elizabeth Williams.
“The Intouchables”: Racial comedy, French style
"The Intouchables" is the biggest foreign-language film of all time. Some critics say it's also racist
A still from "The Intouchables" Here’s a startling news item: “The Intouchables,” a lively if largely predictable Parisian comedy about a wealthy quadriplegic and his ne’er-do-well immigrant caretaker, has become the biggest international success in the history of French cinema. Indeed, according to some sources — and these things are notoriously difficult to measure on a global and historical scale — “The Intouchables” is now the biggest non-Anglophone film of all time, with a worldwide gross approaching $300 million.
Continue Reading CloseMale grooming: The movie
From beard contests to ball cream, Morgan Spurlock's "Mansome" goofs through modern-day male narcissism
Jack Passion in "Mansome" American men are bewildered about their place in the cosmos, or so we have been told repeatedly over the last 20 years. They don’t know whether to thread their eyebrows or wield a welding torch, and end up trying to do both at once (which is inadvisable). As comedian Adam Carolla laments in a scene from Morgan Spurlock’s documentary “Mansome,” the old-time certainties of gender identity have melted away: Women are flying fighter jets and men work at the hair salon; there are no longer “chick jobs and guy jobs.”
Continue Reading ClosePage 1 of 708 in Movies