Gay Marriage

We’re here, we’re queer, we’re married. Yawn.

While my friends lined up in the rain to get married in San Francisco, I wondered: If this is what we've been fighting for, why do I feel so ambivalent?

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In early February I left home in Oakland, Calif., for a one-month writing fellowship in upstate New York. A few days later I got a frantic call from Katrine, my girlfriend of seven years. “Honey! Come home quick!” she said. “They’re doing gay weddings in San Francisco! Let’s get married!”

“Again?” I asked. Katrine and I were already the most-married couple we knew. We’d exchanged vows and rings for the first time two years ago in February, alone in bed a la John and Yoko (but without the press coverage); again the next year at a celebration our friends and family threw for us, officiated by my Baptist minister son; and once more when we registered as California domestic partners a few months later. We registered for our fourth — and, we thought, final — marriage when we visited Katrine’s family in France last summer, where we applied without fanfare for le Pacte Civil de Solidariti, which offers more legal rights than concubinage (domestic partnership) but fewer than mariage.

“For real this time!” Katrine said. “This might be our only chance!”

There was no TV where I was, and the nearest newspaper was a 10-minute walk away, but I hardly needed the news feed to be aware of this turn of events. Every time I plugged the phone cord into my laptop I found new wedding announcements bouncing around my in-box. I hadn’t seen that much excitement — or that many exclamation points — on my computer screen since Ellen came out on national TV.

“It’s official!!” wrote the gay dads across the street, whose unofficial commitment ceremony I’d attended many years ago.

“We did it!!” wrote a friend in her 20s, enclosing a photo of herself and her blushing, butch bride toasting each other with donated champagne on the bouquet-strewn steps of San Francisco City Hall.

“All day long I hand people their rings and cry, cry and hand people their rings. So much joy … it’s restoring my faith in the human race,” wrote a straight, normally self-contained friend who’d served as a volunteer witness at 24 ceremonies and counting.

“Great news! Louise and I got married!” bubbled my agent, who’d waited in the rain for six hours to marry her girlfriend of 17 years, with whom she was now co-editing a photo book chronicling the wedding blitz. Amy had delivered plenty of “great news” to me over the years, but no book deal had ever made her sound this happy. “It felt so right — so much bigger than the two of us. You should come home, Mer, even if it’s just for one day,” she urged me. “This could be the best thing you ever get a chance to do.”

I cited the price of last-minute plane tickets. I maintained that the fellowship was the chance of a lifetime, too. I reminded Katrine and everyone else that she and I were already as married as two people could be. When the mayor of New Paltz, N.Y., started performing same-sex weddings I extended a perfunctory tit-for-tat invitation of my own (“Honey! Come here quick! They’re marrying gay people in New York!”) and was uncharacteristically acquiescent when Katrine proved no more willing than I to cross the continent for a quickie queer wedding. Marriage is all about compromise, I proclaimed loftily, when San Francisco started offering same-sex marriage appointments and Katrine got us one for the next available date, seven weeks later.

“It’s not like you to be so unromantic,” wrote a friend who knows that “uncompromising” is my not-so-secret middle name. “Or so un-activist,” she added. “What’s up?”

My friend had a point. Why wasn’t I hopping aboard the lesbo love train?

As the happy virus spread from state to state, I went on reading the daily front-page gay wedding stories, gazing at the daily front-page gay wedding photos, waiting for a stab of sorrow, a ripple of regret, a frisson of romantic or activist fervor to kick in. It never happened. Instead, I felt a growing and disturbing sense of, well, disorientation.

I’d had that feeling before: seeing the once-militant gay-pride march morph into the faggots-are-fun gay parade, watching “ER’s” Dr. Weaver having a baby with her girlfriend on one major network and Ellen DeGeneres hosting her own talk show on another, hearing the pundits remark that supporting same-sex civil unions had become a mainstream position. Being warmly greeted on Sunday mornings by my son’s Christian church-mates, who know that I’m his lesbian mother.

I felt I should be relishing these fruits, so to speak, of the gay movement’s labors. Instead, as one city after another started issuing same-sex marriage licenses, as the progress of the gay rights movement became nightly dinnertime conversation, as the straight people around me started casually conversing about their same-sex flings and fantasies - as the gender-inclusive dream I’d spent much of my life fighting for seemed to be coming true — I had a strange, nostalgic longing for what I’d known to be the natural order of things: hets on the inside with the door locked behind them, homos on the outside, banging to get in. Even if we weren’t really sure we wanted all those trappings of boring-ass straight life; even if we secretly liked the compulsory creativity of our “commitment ceremonies” and fabulous family configurations; even if we wouldn’t have dreamed of asking the state to sanctify our love (unless, of course, it refused to), this was the world as we knew it — the us-vs.-them rules of the one game we’d been invited to play.

The goal of every social-change movement — or (gag me with a chakra) personal-growth process — is its own obsolescence. So why wasn’t I celebrating all the gains, both personal and political? Maybe because I felt I had too much to lose. For better and for worse, living as an “out” mom, an “out” neighbor, an “out” writer had given me an identity and an address to go with it; a sometimes scary but stable spot on the outskirts of town, on the margins of the mainstream. There’s a steep price to be paid for being gay in America, and the compensation package — at least for those coastal big-city dwellers who can take advantage of it — is what those hard-earned dues buy us. Being gay got me the secret password to the in (out) places only queer people go, the in (out) jokes only queer people know. Why would I want to share those membership benefits with hets who haven’t paid to join the club?

And as I settle into middle age, being gay has become more than a built-in, nearly effortless expression of my activism — it’s become one of the few cool things about me. But how cool can it be to be gay when macho straight guys swoon and preen, allowing themselves to be fluffed and petted by screaming “Queer Eye” queens on national TV, and giggling gay-day marchers chant, “We’re here! We’re queer! We’ve got our own TV shows, Mary!”? How cool can it be to be gay when the love that dared not speak its name makes lead news headlines and campaign hay? If the world is as ready as it seems to open up and let us in, will we — will I — lose the edge we got from being out?

My greatest hopes and worst fears were realized when I came home to a changed world — well, a changed Bay Area, anyway. Suddenly it was retro to be hetero. Straight friends I ran into asked if I’d gotten married, eager to horn in on the joy; gay friends displayed marriage certificates and wedding photos where “Hate Is Not a Family Value” posters and rainbow flags had once hung on their walls.

A week after I came home from the retreat I went to open a joint savings account at our local Bank of America. “My wife and I are saving for a vacation,” I told the young, meticulously manicured, straight-appearing teller. I sneaked a peek to gauge her response, and witnessed … absolutely none. “Oh, did you get married in San Francisco?” she asked nonchalantly, bringing to a screeching halt a lifetime of uncomfortable silences, defensive conversational maneuvers and elaborate explanations. “Even though Katrine’s not here to sign, I’ll put both of your names on the account,” she offered before I answered. “After all, you guys are married.”

Since our first wannabe wedding I’d made a point of publicly referring to Katrine as my wife, gulping down my fears to face the dry cleaner’s confusion, the haircutter’s horror, the mortgage broker’s veiled hostility in the interest of a bit of political provocation. Now the four-letter word I’d winced to use when I was legally married to a man but tossed around like confetti when I was illegally married to a woman — the word that only a few weeks ago had sparked nervous laughter at best, animosity at worst — triggered friendly smiles, congratulations or no reaction at all. Now I had something even stickier to swallow than my fear: my ambivalence about the kinder, gentler, less homophobic world I’d been so sure I wanted. Who will I be, I found myself wondering, if it’s normal to be who I am?

I didn’t have long to wonder before reality kicked in. My first clue was the sound of my sweetheart calling me to her desk, her voice choked with tears. Together we read the e-mail that had just appeared on her screen. The sender was the San Francisco city clerk. The subject line was “Supreme Court Decision.” The date was March 12, four weeks before our wedding date. The message was brusque.

“By order of the California Supreme Court, the San Francisco County Clerk has been ordered to discontinue issuance of same-sex marriage licenses. Therefore all previously scheduled same-sex appointments are now cancelled.”

“I knew it wouldn’t last,” said Katrine. “I wanted to really marry you,” she cried.

“I wanted to really marry you too,” I answered, surprised by the clutch in my throat that told me it was true. It struck me then that my ambivalence might have been more self-protective than I knew. Maybe I didn’t want to join the party in case the neighbors complained and the cops shut it down. Maybe I found it easier to live with the world as it was — homophobia and all — than to risk living with the perilous hope that it might actually get better.

As the love fests were aborted in one city after another and the front-page profiles of ecstatic newlyweds were replaced by stories of honeymoons harpooned by homophobia, Katrine and I decided to console ourselves with a weekend honeymoon. Checking in at a bed-and-breakfast in a tourist town three hours from home, we instinctively assumed the position: standing an ambiguous distance apart, looking at each other with ambiguous eyes, speaking to each other in ambiguous tones. For the next two days — hesitant to hold hands as we strolled through the picturesque streets, scoping out the vibe in each restaurant before we fed each other bits of food, kissing only in the privacy of our overpriced, Laura-Ashley-on-steroids room — we were painfully reminded of how many risks we still take, how many prejudices we still challenge, just by being ourselves outside the Bay Area post-wedding-boom bubble.

Even inside it, where life is about as same-sex-safe as it gets; even now, when the Bay Area’s still in the blush of mass-wedding afterglow, I don’t kiss Katrine goodbye on the front porch if the neighbor’s watching. I write an acknowledgment to her in every book I publish, but the bio on the more visible jacket flap always says, “Meredith Maran lives in Oakland,” as if I live there alone. When I quote or mention Katrine in the talks I give, I sometimes tell the classic “queer lie for the straight guys,” referring to her as my wife only when I’m confident that being gay won’t keep my message from being heard, or me from being invited back.

Same-sex sitcoms, homo home decorating shows, gala gay days and other sure signs of progress notwithstanding, being gay is still far too exciting for most people — including me — in most places most of the time. Until that changes, we’ll have being bored to look forward to.

Meredith Maran is a stringer and book reviewer for People magazine and the author of nine nonfiction books including "My Lie" and "What It’s Like to Live Now." Her first novel, "A Theory Of Small Earthquakes," will be published by Counterpoint in 2012. She’s the mother of two sons, 31 and 32, and she’ll be a grandmother in five months and 12 days, but who’s counting?

Democrats’ gay marriage excuse

Are Democratic politicians, like Andrew Cuomo, using social issues to distract from the economic status quo?

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Democrats' gay marriage excuseAndrew Cuomo (Credit: Reuters/Hans Pennink)

Headlines transmit information in its rawest form — and the best of headlines crystallize indelible truths. Such was the case this week when the New York Daily News blared this simple but iconic headline: “Cuomo: Minimum Wage Harder to Get Than Gay Marriage.”

The story quoted New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D) claiming that the effort to raise wages for the poorest of his constituents represents a “broader and deeper” divide than the recent successful fight to legalize same-sex matrimony in the Empire State. Though the piece quickly dissolved into the ether, it should have received more attention because it is an important Rosetta Stone — one that translates this era’s inscrutable political rhetoric into a clear admission that money trumps everything else.

Decoding this Rosetta Stone requires just a bit of contextual information from Siena College. According to the school’s surveys, only 58 percent of New Yorkers support legalizing gay marriage, while a whopping 78 percent support raising the minimum wage from $7.25 to $8.50.

Put Cuomo’s declaration next to those numbers, and the revelation emerges: in a political arena dominated by corporate money, the governor is acknowledging that politicians will champion initiatives that don’t challenge corporate power, but will avoid promoting those that do. Not only that, Cuomo is admitting this is the case regardless of public opinion.

Events in New York illustrate the larger dynamic at work. As the New York Times reported, despite lukewarm public support, Cuomo was able to get the state legislature to legalize gay marriage after Wall Street financiers dumped cash into the campaign for equal rights. Knowing that marriage doesn’t threaten their profits, these moneyed interests opted to help their ally Cuomo notch a strategic win — one that allows the governor to preen as a great liberal champion to the state’s left-leaning voters, all while he simultaneously presses an anti-union, economically conservative agenda that moneyed interests support.

Now, of course, the situation is reversed. With New York’s recession-battered voters supporting a minimum wage hike, the greed-is-good crowd is firmly aligned against the initiative. Why? Because unlike gay marriage, which requires no corporate sacrifice, the modest minimum wage boost may slightly reduce corporate profits — and that’s something the fat cats in the executive suites never permit without a fight.

Knowing this, a hack like Cuomo — a guy who asks “how high?” when his campaign contributors say “jump” — is using his power to undermine the popular minimum wage initiative. In this case, he is cooking up a self-fulfilling prophecy about the measure being a political non-starter.

Not surprisingly, this sleight of hand is not limited to one locale. In Colorado, Democratic activists have cast Gov. John Hickenlooper as a great liberal for supporting same-sex civil unions, all while he loyally shills for oil and gas corporations. At the federal level, the Obama reelection campaign is doing the same, trumpeting the president as a progressive hero for endorsing gay marriage, all while he slow-walks tougher bank regulations.

Even on Wall Street itself, Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein has lately portrayed himself as a great humanitarian. As proof, he doesn’t cite any willingness to acknowledge financial-sector crimes. Instead, he cites his decision to become the Human Rights Campaign’s national spokesman for gay marriage.

Noting all this isn’t to disparage the push for same sex marriage (I’m a strong supporter!) — it is merely to spotlight a bait and switch whereby social issues are increasingly used to perpetuate the economic status quo.

Obviously, it’s possible to simultaneously guarantee equal rights and fix the economy. But as New York most recently proves, it’s much harder to do both when money dictates political outcomes, and when bought-off politicians employ social issues as an excuse to ignore economic justice.

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David Sirota

David Sirota is a best-selling author of the new book "Back to Our Future: How the 1980s Explain the World We Live In Now." He hosts the morning show on AM760 in Colorado. E-mail him at ds@davidsirota.com, follow him on Twitter @davidsirota or visit his website at www.davidsirota.com.

When leaders actually lead

Some Obama backers insisted the president could do nothing on his own to advance gay marriage. Boy, were they wrong

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When leaders actually leadU.S. President Barack Obama speaks at a campaign fund raising event in Denver, Colorado May 23, 2012. (Credit: Reuters/Kevin Lamarque)

I count myself as a supporter of President Obama who reserves the right to criticize him when I disagree. And I disagreed with his reluctance to come out in support of gay marriage for a long time. I’m also on record wishing he’d taken a stronger public stance behind several big progressive priorities — a larger stimulus, tougher Wall Street reform, a public option for health insurance, a big jobs bill – whether or not he had the congressional support to make it happen.

Throughout the president’s first term, his most ardent supporters have reacted to those of us pushing him to do – and say – more on such issues with frustration and anger, some of it nasty and personal, some of it thoughtful and well-argued. They rightly blame Congress for blocking action on key progressive priorities, but strangely downplay the power of presidential leadership. Late last year, New York magazine’s Jonathan Chait twice attacked liberal Obama critics for being “unreasonable” about what the president alone could accomplish, because “liberals, on the whole, are incapable of feeling satisfied with a Democratic president.”

Chait took particular aim at lefty image guru Drew Westen, a one-time Obama admirer who criticized the president in the New York Times not merely for what he hadn’t accomplished, but for failing to tell a compelling story. Chait accused Westen and other progressives of embracing:

…a model of American politics in which the president in not only the most important figure, but his most powerful weapon is rhetoric. The argument appears calculated to infuriate anybody with a passing familiarity with the basics of political science. In Westen’s telling, every known impediment to legislative progress — special interest lobbying, the filibuster, macroeconomic conditions, not to mention certain settled beliefs of public opinion — are but tiny stick huts trembling in the face of the atomic bomb of the presidential speech. The impediment to an era of total an uncompromising liberal success is Obama’s failure to properly deploy this awesome weapon.

Chait caricatured Westen’s argument (and the beliefs of those who agreed with it), but he got lots of love for both pieces in the pro-Obama blogosphere, where folks finally felt they had a real diagnosis for the illness of those they dismissed as “emoprogs.” But now that we see the changes wrought by Obama’s politically risky embrace of gay marriage, maybe it will be easier for folks to understand that it’s the job of political advocates not merely to praise, but to push their leaders forward.

Steve Kornacki runs down the astonishing political changes we’ve seen in the mere two weeks since the president carefully announced his supposed change of heart on gay marriage. The nation’s largest African-American organization, the NAACP, has come out behind it – and maybe most important, recognized it as an important civil rights issue. Maybe most dramatic, in Maryland, African-American voters have now flipped to support the state’s gay marriage ballot measure 55 to 36 percent –almost the exact percentage by which they opposed it in previous polling on the state issue. And in the latest ABC News/Washington Post poll, African-Americans’ support for gay marriage jumped to 59 percent from 41 percent in the wake of the president’s historic announcement.

Now, I’m not going to argue that Obama’s turnaround alone caused this sea change. The arc of the moral universe has been bending toward justice on gay rights for a long time, and as I wrote last week, the president gave it an additional tug. There have been advocates within the NAACP working to make this happen for a long time, and they deserve a lot of credit. African-American voter opinion had already been trending in this direction, even if black voters had been less receptive to gay marriage than other demographic groups. There is also an emotional and personal component to the president’s stance that makes his moral suasion hard to replicate on behalf of, say, the jobs bill or the public option. (And let’s also remember it’s white voters who are most hostile on some of those economic issues, thanks to the divide and conquer politics of the GOP over the last 40 years.)

Still, it’s hard not to conclude that Obama’s words made a significant difference in the political course of this debate. Ironically, it was once critics of Obama who mocked the power of words, and specifically the candidate’s own oratorical gifts. Obama shot back at them many times.

“Don’t tell me words don’t matter,” he told Wisconsin Democrats in February 2008. “‘I have a dream’ — just words. ‘We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal’ — just words. ‘We have nothing to fear but fear itself’ – just words. Just speeches.” At many times over the last three years, I’ve been amazed at how Obama’s critics and supporters seemed to change sides on the question of the power of his words.

I give the folks who call themselves “prag progs” – pragmatic progressives, as opposed to “unreasonable” emoprogs – a lot of credit for fixing attention on what the president has accomplished, and reminding others not merely to fixate on what he hasn’t. But I think it’s time that all of us acknowledge that there’s a role for constructive pressure, too. Progressive change has always required impatient agitators – and it will continue to.

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Joan Walsh

Joan Walsh is Salon's editor at large.

Marvel Comics plans wedding for gay hero Northstar

Out since 1992, the openly gay superhero will walk down the aisle in late June

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Marvel Comics plans wedding for gay hero NorthstarThis comic book cover image released by Marvel shows "Astonishing X-Men," No 51. Marvel Comics said Tuesday, May 22, 2012 that the Canadian character named Jean-Paul Beaubier, right, will marry his beau, Kyle Jinadu, in this edition due out June 20. (AP Photo/Marvel Comics)(Credit: AP)

PHILADELPHIA (AP) — Wedding bells will ring this summer for Marvel Comics’ first openly gay hero, super speedster Northstar.

The New York-based publisher said Tuesday that Canadian character Jean-Paul Beaubier will marry his beau, Kyle Jinadu, in the pages of “Astonishing X-Men” No. 51. That’s due out June 20.

Northstar revealed he was gay in the pages of “Alpha Flight” No. 106 in 1992. He was one of Marvel’s first characters to do so.

Since then, numerous comic book heroes and villains have been identified as gay, lesbian or transgender.

Marjorie Liu is writing the series. She says the decision to have the pair marry was fitting, noting that the relationship between Kyle and Northstar has grown in recent years.

___

Marvel Entertainment LLC is owned by The Walt Disney Co.

Manny Pacquiao loses his crown

The boxer's anti-gay remarks lead us to take an unprecedented step: We're revoking his Salon Sexiest Man title

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Manny Pacquiao loses his crownSteve Carell and Manny Pacquiao (Credit: AP)

We’re all relieved around here that Manny Pacquiao is not really some Leviticus-quoting loon who says that gays “must be put to death” – even if that may have something to do with the fact that he admits “I haven’t read the Book of Leviticus yet.”

But it’s nonetheless disappointing that a man we at Salon bestowed our highest honor to just six months ago has proven himself so terribly unenlightened. In an interview for Examiner.com last week, one of our 2011 Sexiest Men declared of marriage, “It should not be of the same sex so as to adulterate the altar of matrimony, like in the days of Sodom and Gomorrah of Old.” Oh dear. Winning lots of fights? Sexy. Getting elected to the Filipino Congress? Sexy. “Donating millions to improve living conditions in his poverty-stricken nation”? Super hot. Not being down with civil rights? Bzzzzzzt!

That is why we have decided to take an unprecedented step here at Sexiest Men World Headquarters. We have in the past fought epic, bloody internal battles over men like Zach Galifianakis, Al Franken and Louis C.K. But we have never, in our sexy, sexy history, revoked a man’s title. Until now.

We understand that the Roman Catholic boxer has to be true to his beliefs, and we would never insist that falling in lock step with Salon’s own socialist, American fabric-destroying agenda is the only criterion for making the list. It’s just that we suddenly don’t feel like going a few sweaty rounds with a dude who thinks civil rights “adulterate the altar of matrimony.”

So instead we’re passing on the crown to one of last year’s runner-ups. Like Pacquiao — and also like our beloved first Sexiest Man, Carell’s former “Daily Show” colleague Stephen Colbert – he’s a happily married, self-described “born and bred” Catholic. But this one says, “I stay clear of declaring my political choices,” insisting humbly, “I feel like my voice is no more valuable, no less valuable than anyone else’s.”

What really makes us go weak in the knees is how he turned a bumbling, inept bag-of-wind character and made us care when he said goodbye to “The Office.” And, last summer, he took a broken, pathetic, recently divorced dad and made him so tenderly romantic (and so darn good-looking in a tailored suit) he nearly made us forget Ryan Gosling in “Crazy, Stupid Love.” We’ve had a thing for him since before he became a 40-year-old virgin. We’d choose him as our friend for the end of the world. How could we ever have been so blinded by that pugilistic piece of beefcake? That’s why today, we’re asking newest Salon Sexy Man Steve Carell, will you gay marry us?

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Mary Elizabeth Williams

Mary Elizabeth Williams is a staff writer for Salon and the author of "Gimme Shelter: My Three Years Searching for the American Dream." Follow her on Twitter: @embeedub.

Jonathan Rauch: “We are a sideshow no longer”

At his first same-sex marriage since Obama's big announcement, a longtime advocate reflects on a decades-long fight

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Jonathan Rauch: (Credit: Chris Howey via Shutterstock)

It’s a beautiful spring day in Washington, D.C., around 5 p.m. I am arriving at the august Peterson Institute for International Economics. Today, however, the place is not a think tank but a chapel, and the important words to be uttered are not “trade-weighted exchange rates” but “I do.”

My old friend Joe Gagnon is getting married today to Paul Adamczak, his longtime partner. How I hate that word “partner”! As if Joe and Paul were members of the same law firm. Within the hour, I am pleased to realize, they will be partners no longer. Under District of Columbia law, they will be husbands.

Today’s ceremony is freighted with extra excitement. Only three days ago, President Obama announced his support for same-sex marriage. The subject is much discussed here at the wedding. Of course, as an invitee mentions, Obama’s endorsement alters not a jot of law, not a tittle of policy. Yet a cultural barrier has been crossed, a taboo forever retired. The highest officer in the land and, by extension, his political party and half the country have embraced today’s ceremony as their own. We are a sideshow, an outlier, no longer.

The think tank’s auditorium is transformed by draperies, flowers, gentle lighting, rows of plush chairs. Lovely. It occurs to me, as I reflect on the week’s events, that only one decoration is missing. An American flag would be very much in order.

Chamber musicians play as I take a seat. A few rows ahead of me sits a restless boy, perhaps 8 or 9 years old. My mind pitches back to an earlier time, more than four decades ago, and another boy, about the same age. He is sitting on the piano bench in his house in suburban Phoenix. I remember exactly the spot, exactly the moment, though I could not tell you the date exactly. Suddenly, out of the blue, the boy realizes that he will never be married. He does not know why marriage and family are out of his reach. He will in fact not understand why for almost 20 years, when he comes to understand he is homosexual. But children understand marriage long before they understand sex, and this boy knows, intuitively, that he is different in some way that rules out the kind of life that other people take for granted. He will always be an outsider to family life.

I look again at the boy in front of me and try to imagine what it is like to be him. He will never experience the desolate realization that I had long ago in Phoenix. He will never even be able to comprehend it. The wedding he now witnesses seems ordinary to him. For the whole span of his life, whether he is straight or gay, there will be a destination for his love within the folds of marriage. I find I envy him.

The grooms are walking down the aisle, Joe accompanied by his father, Paul by his mother. In front, two candles are lit for the parents who are not here. I wonder how Joe’s father feels, giving away his son to a man in a legally recognized ceremony. I think back on a conversation with my own father. This is in 1995, not so very long ago, but an eon as it seems today. He is urging me not to write about gay marriage, a subject I will soon take up for the Economist and the New Republic. He knows and accepts that I am gay; that is not the problem. It is my career he is worried about. The idea of a man marrying a man or a woman marrying a woman, he tells me, is such an outlandish idea that if I associate myself with it I will no longer be taken seriously as a writer. People will think I’m a nut. At the time, his prediction seemed plausible.

My gaze alights on one of the absent parents’ candles. My father lived to know and love Michael, who became like another son to him. He lived to see same-sex marriage legalized in Massachusetts and then in several other states. Alas, he died only a few months before Michael and I could legally marry in Washington, D.C. Had he been at our wedding, he would have blessed us, happy to see his prediction proved so blessedly wrong.

The officiant begins the ceremony and the grooms join hands. There are readings from Robert Frost and Plato’s Symposium. Later, Joe will admit to worrying that the readings might seem hackneyed. But the words have their intended effect as my eyes well up. They have an unintended effect, also, as I realize the improbability of what I am witnessing: a thoroughly conventional same-sex wedding.

Earlier that very day, as it happens, I had received an email that was like a bad LSD flashback. Objecting to a recent pro-gay-marriage article of mine, the writer identified himself as a member of the Stonewall generation. “I myself  was active in the Gay Liberation Movement way back in the beginning in the early ’70s and am now horrified by the whole cloying Gay Marriage issue,” he wrote. “It seems deranged that we should now want to ape straights; surely we should continue to do what we’ve always done best: standing aside from, and viewing sardonically, the straight world.”

When I began advocating gay marriage in the mid-1990s, and then well into the new century, I used to hear this kind of objection all the time. A gay couple first attempted to marry in 1970, just a few months after the famous riots outside the Stonewall Bar in New York City; but marriage was not then taken up by the gay-rights movement. Matrimony seemed not only out of reach but out of touch with the liberationist, libertine ethos of the time. We were supposed to be breaking the fetters of conventionality, reinventing sexuality and ourselves.

But then came the plague, and the discovery, too often, that we had only each other for family, yet we had none of the tools to care for one another that families need. We could not enter the hospital room; sometimes, we could not even enter the country. We would use our bodies to warm our shuddering “lover” (such was the term in those days — even worse than “partner”). We would hand-feed him as he wasted. Then, when he passed, we would be sent packing by the relatives who had never known or cared we existed.

Never again, we said. That was when we understood that real liberation lies in family’s embrace, not its rejection. Triple-drug HIV therapy and the gay-marriage movement arrived almost simultaneously. No coincidence, that.

Conservatives worry that gay participation will change marriage for the worse. Gay-liberationists (the few that remain) worry it will change gays for the worse. I wish they could all be here, as the grooms take their vows, to see how marriage has changed gays for the better. The ancient words wash over me. To have and to hold … for better for worse … until death do us part. These are words with the power not only to turn unrelated individuals into next of kin, to bond their extended families, to shelter their children, and to build communities; they are words that have reformed, and indeed re-formed, an entire culture.

As I sit here, I cannot help feeling vindicated by the rage of that aging gay objector. He has lost. It is over. Gays have not claimed marriage; it has claimed us.

The couple, now husbands, are returning down the aisle amid a commotion of hugs and smiles. Now there will be a cocktail reception, then a dinner, then a honeymoon — in Disney World, no less. It occurs to me that I have never seen so traditional and comfortingly familiar an occasion. It occurs to me that to be alive just now, seeing what I am seeing, is a miracle. The air around us is thick with the spirits of long-passed homosexual men and women, so many of them tormented and persecuted, who could never have dreamt of this future.

As I pass a multi-tiered wedding cake, I suddenly wish I could rectify a blunder. A couple of days earlier, in a radio interview, an interviewer asked me how I felt, as a gay man, about Obama’s announcement. I had been expecting to talk about politics and polls, not myself. Caught off guard, I rambled about being pleased and surprised and whatnot. Only now do I realize that the right answer was a single word. “Grateful,” I should have said. “I feel grateful.”

I kick myself. Why does one always think of the right answer when it’s too late? But the reproach barely registers before I am lost in the happy glow of sunshine and champagne.

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Jonathan Rauch is a guest scholar at the Brookings Institution and author of "Gay Marriage: Why It Is Good for Gays, Good for Straights, and Good for America."

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