Rescue Me

So what exactly was the big deal about Crawford and Gatlin goofing around during the 100-meter semifinal heat? This is how NBC’s site described it: “Running in an adjoining lane in their semifinal heat, Crawford, Gatlin’s training partner, turned to him at 90 meters and held his mock stare to the tape. The two then played to the crowd with a chest bump.” A chest bump! Those ne’er-do-well black men did a chest bump in front of the entire world! NBC’s announcers tsk-tsked as if the two had mooned the crowd midrace, saying that they should take these Olympic games more seriously.

How seriously do you think someone who can run 100 meters in less than 9.9 seconds takes what they do? Gatlin and Crawford train together, and they’re two of the top four fastest men in the world. What do you suppose they do all day in Raleigh, N.C., sit on a stoop eating Wheaties and chest-bumping?

If I could run that fast, I’d feel entitled to dye my hair turquoise, scream obscenities and bark like a dog every time I won. Hell, I feel entitled to do that stuff right now.

Good girl!
Apparently I also feel entitled to avoid “Gilmore Girls” despite the fact that lots of people seem to love it. So why had I never seen a single episode until last week? Maybe it’s the way people whisper when they admit to enjoying a woman-centered drama on the WB, as if they’re discussing feminine protection or some other topic that’s so filthy with femaleness that it has to be dressed in flowing white silk, bathed in fresh, clean scents and coated in shiny, light-pink paint to hide its shameful womanliness.

You have to love the way quality and talent banish shame and self-consciousness from the picture. This show is fantastic and anyone who’s never seen it is missing out. Within the first 10 minutes, I was hooked. To think I wasted even a few hours of my time trying to get into soggy WB fare like “One Tree Hill,” when “Gilmore Girls” (Tuesdays at 8 p.m. on WB) not only has great story lines, but the characters are all distinct and interesting, and it’s funny. Isn’t that going way beyond the call of duty?

I know I’m late to the party, but this show takes all of the charms of “Ed” (without the cloying sweetness) and mixes it with a little “Northern Exposure,” a touch of “Thirtysomething” and a dash of “The O.C.” Sure, it’s a little cartoonish, a little fast-paced, a little goofy, but somehow it all works, and there’s never a dull moment, at least not in the episodes I’ve seen so far. Plus, there are so many throwaway lines that would warrant a full-throttle blast from the laugh track on most sitcoms. Check out this exchange that occurs as Emily (Kelly Bishop), Lorelai’s wealthy mother, is fussing over the furniture on the back patio before dinner guests arrive.

Emily: “Where’s that awful light coming from?”

Rory: “I think it’s the moon.”

Lorelai: “You’re not thinking of having the moon moved, are you Mom?”

That’s not just a good joke, it’s a good character-driven joke, which I don’t need to tell you aren’t exactly plentiful on TV these days. On so many shows, characters say slapsticky stuff to get a laugh, regardless of how out of character their comments might be. And it’s easy to tell how great a show is by how quickly you start to feel familiar with the characters. When writers base their character choices on real people and they’re willing to let real weaknesses show, you get rich, unpredictable characters who add depth to every scene. No matter how simple and cheery the situation might be, complex characters are suspicious, or judgmental, or distracted. They don’t just go along for the ride or take things at face value. They aren’t easily fooled.

That’s what I like immediately about Emily Gilmore. She’s got a lot going on. She’s bossy and controlling, sure, but she also has a warm side — it just disappears without any warning.

And then there’s Chris Eigeman, who plays Jason, Lorelai’s boyfriend. I always thought he was the best thing about those sometimes redeemable, always pretentious Whit Stillman movies like “Barcelona” (good) and “The Last Days of Disco” (unspeakably bad). He also appeared in one of my favorite twentysomething angst movies, “Kicking and Screaming,” which was written and directed by Noah Baumbach, who, just so you know, also co-wrote Wes Anderson’s new film (which I can’t wait to see), “The Life Aquatic,” which is about a Jacques Cousteau-type oceanographer played by Bill Murray.

See how you can trace a quality show to a great movie to another probably-going-to-be-great movie and so on? Doesn’t it sometimes seem like all the really talented people know each other? That’s because they do. They just try to keep that fact hidden from the unwashed masses because it might make us feel like we’re at a disadvantage (which we are) or that we’re out of the loop (also true) or that we’re not a part of their little club (we aren’t) or that our lives aren’t as fabulous as theirs are (that is correct).

I hate all of those discreet, chummy elitists! It makes me want to chest-bump the hell out of someone!

Bad, bad boy!
Sadly, all the chest-bumping in the world couldn’t get me to appreciate F/X’s “Rescue Me,” which is sort of like a “Gilmore Girls” for tough guys. Starring Denis Leary as a hard-drinking, lying thug of a New York City fireman named Tommy, “Rescue Me” borrows elements from some of the best dramas on TV, but throws them together in a messy heap, populated by poorly drawn characters navigating through unbelievable situations.

Let’s just focus on Tommy, who beats up his wife’s boyfriend, messes with the guy’s computer, then gets him arrested for retaliating. Tommy’s wife, who seems to have neither a brain nor a discernible personality, believes Tommy when he tells her that her boyfriend is no good, and shortly after cutting the boyfriend out of her life, she asks Tommy if he wants to get back together with her, only to discover Tommy’s even-dumber girlfriend emerging from the bedroom upstairs. Tommy’s wife is angry, Tommy can’t remember Even Dumber’s name, and Even Dumber sets Tom’s house on fire that night. Ha ha ha!

Then there’s Sean, who goes out with a transvestite right after his lover, who’s also his buddy Franco’s ex-girlfriend, drops dead in front of him. Or Chief Reilly, who asks his gay son to vouch for him in a gay-bashing case in court, but won’t introduce his son to his macho friends. Or Franco, who drops his daughter off at Family Services, then changes his mind and tracks down her foster family, only to pull up just as the foster father is screaming at her in the front yard. Good timing! When Franco confronts the guy, he says, “You gonna tell me what to do? I got three of these damn foster kids! The city doesn’t pay me enough to have to deal with this little bitch who doesn’t listen!” All about as subtle as your average episode of “Scooby-Doo.”

And, in contrast to the characters on “Gilmore Girls,” the tough guys of “Rescue Me” are decorated with faults and qualities like gaudy Christmas ornaments on a dead tree. None of their traits, good or bad, seem organic or make any sense or add up to a real human being. Not only that, but the characters do and say outrageous things that don’t feel motivated. And let’s not even get into the fact that Tommy sees and talks to dead people, or that he’s about to visit a shrink. When you’ve got a silly yet reasonably entertaining show on your hands, why in the world would you practically force viewers to compare it to two of the best shows on television? Unlike “The Sopranos” and “Six Feet Under,” “Rescue Me” isn’t a thoughtful, rich exploration of human relationships, it’s a knee-deep three-ring circus populated by snarky thugs. But hey, if you like that sort of thing, this is the show for you!

I’d like to be under the sea
The final pick from the suggestion bin this week is “Sealab 2021,” a cartoon that runs during Cartoon Network’s “Adult Swim” segment (Thursday through Saturday nights, 11 p.m. to 5 a.m.). After watching just one episode of “Sealab 2021″ I quickly recognized that it was totally foolish, nonlinear, pointless, absurd, repetitive, shrill, juvenile, and it had absolutely no plot.

Despite all of these fine qualities, I can’t say that I love this cartoon. Basically, the episodes are 15 minutes long, and the writers take one joke and beat it into the ground for the entire show. Watching “Sealab 2021″ reminds me of hanging out with someone who decides a joke is funny and then, when he doesn’t get the laugh he wants the first time, yells it at the top of his lungs again and again until somebody punches his teeth out.

Loud, repetitive stuff seems to happen in every episode. In one episode, a character repeats the word “Bizzarro!” in a very high, very irritating voice about 50 times in a row. In another, the power goes out, and we’re treated to a 14-minute-long shot of the exterior of the Sealab while the characters bug the living crap out of each other (and me).

That doesn’t mean that some of the episodes aren’t a lot of fun. One episode is a really long, funny TV ad for “Grizzlebee’s,” a bar and grill chain that serves massive plates of fatty foods. On another episode, Hollywood actor Beck Bristow comes down to Sealab to research a role. “This does not reflect on any of you as people, per se, but I’m not going to remember any of your names,” he tells the crew. “So if I wish to speak to anyone, I’ll probably address that person simply as ‘Hey.’”

I understand why lots of people like “Sealab 2021.” It’s extremely weird and clever, and characters mumble non sequiturs like “Hey, let’s make smoothies!” I like the random digressions. There’s a lot of intelligence there. Unfortunately, there’s also a lot of potty humor and screaming.

In short, the folks at “Sealab 2021″ should stop it with the self-indulgent chest-bumping. You’re not the center of the universe, dudes! I am. So stick to worthwhile parodies and skip the screaming and the repetition, and maybe your show will get on my nerves a little less.

The fraudience isn’t listening
Speaking of screaming and repetition, this year’s Video Music Awards offered the usual knee-deep three-ring circus you’ve come to expect from MTV, minus the spontaneity of years past.

I hate to blame it all on the matching promotional cell phones the fraudience kept waving around during the slow songs, but I do. Come to think of it, I also blame the venue, which featured one of those busy-looking multi-level, curved stages they set up in the middle of basketball stadiums. Performances are never as visually appealing or as easy to take in as a whole when the performers are scattered all over a tangled spaghetti-style stage. Nelly and Christina Aguilera offered one of the night’s few dynamic numbers, but it was impossible to watch Nelly, Aguilera and the dancers at the same time, since they were all moving in different directions across a huge area, so instead we just got lots of close-ups of Aguilera walking away from Nelly in that sassy style made popular by Olivia Newton-John in “Grease.” Very cutting edge.

And I have no idea why MTV feels it has to usher in another fraudience for every performer who appears, from the rocker kids squealing for Hoobastank (apparently drug use is up among this demographic) to the preteens waving their promotional phones to express their love for the ever-style-challenged Jessica Simpson, in pin-striped pants and a bustier, doing her best impression of Jewel. This relentless recirculation of fans resulted in a near-constant level of screaming through the entire three-hour awards show. All that screaming caused the announcers to scream, which made the fans scream louder — which would be OK, if there were ever anything remotely exciting to yell about.

Instead, most of the night featured predictable winners (Outkast, Usher, Beyoncé and No Doubt, anyone?), mediocre medley-style performances and rah-rah celebrities parading across the garish stage and barking upbeat lines, after which they sat a few feet away from the celebrity cam and pretended to be caught up in the groove of every single song.

But the worst moment of all came when some preteen named Jo Jo (don’t ask me) skip-hopped onstage and blurted, “I have some amazing people all the way from Greece, complete with Olympic bling!”

That’s right. Olympic bling. Scrub as long as you want, you’ll never come clean from hearing that one. Remember when MTV was actually cool?

Yeah, neither do I.

Next week: Trio’s “Brilliant, but Canceled” series highlights some of the shows that didn’t stink nearly enough for the networks to air them.

But Leary’s book and his views are a little more informed and evenhanded than they first appear. Although activist groups have taken issue with Leary for suggesting that autism is caused by bad parenting, in his book Leary very clearly takes on the parents of kids who aren’t autistic — autistic kids are smart and industrious, not lazy and stupid, he points out — but who seek out the diagnosis as a means of explaining away their kids’ flaws and their own ineptitude.

The funniest, most colorful passages concern his family, from a brother whose standard greeting when they were little was “Hey faggot!” to a mother who still enjoys pointing out the gruesome ways that each of the people in her old photographs died. In another chapter, Leary scratches the surface of the Oprah phenomenon, only to find himself overwhelmed by the wealth of information Oprah has to share, her enormous range as a host, and her sheer, unquestionable power.

Leary called from his home in New York City to talk with Salon about George Carlin’s legacy, the culture of permissive parenting and the controversy surrounding his book. Far from the violent frat boy he portrays on his show, Leary not only referred to himself as a “dyed-in-the-wool Democrat” but said that he considers himself a feminist. Still, he insisted that if no one is pissed off, that means he’s not doing his job.

When you’re used to writing stand-up or dialogue, is the process of writing a book difficult?

Well, I mean I hate to say this because I think real writers will be upset, because [with] comedians, it’s kind of a cheat. We’re thinking these things anyways. Yeah, it’s work to put it down on paper as opposed to just getting up onstage and saying it.

I was just down in Washington last night for the George Carlin tribute [Carlin was awarded the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor, announced four days before his death in June] and there’s a roomful of all these comedians, most of these guys have already written a book. Bill Maher was there and Lewis Black has written a couple of books now, and Jon Stewart. You know, they were all making fun of me because I was the last guy to come out with a book.

I interviewed Carlin last year, and he said that he didn’t become a real writer until about halfway through his career, and it really improved his stand-up routine.

It makes you sit down for four hours a day and formalize your thoughts. There’s a rhythm to it. The kind of comedy I do anyway is sort of an observational, satirical take on whatever — politics, society, behavior — but there’s a rhythm to comedy that’s kind of musically oriented. When I had to read these things out loud, it [made me want to] go back and rewrite it and find the right word. I liked it, I can’t wait to do another one.

Do you count Carlin as an influence?

Oh yeah. I didn’t know anything about Lenny Bruce until I discovered [Carlin's album] “Class Clown” in 1972 because the Catholic Church bulletin had a thing that said “Banned Books and Records” and they named “Class Clown,” and that’s what made me buy the record because that’s just the kind of guy I am. And as soon as I heard that record, I said, “I know guys like this. And I’m an Irish guy. Maybe I could do this.”

You’re sort of following in Carlin’s footsteps in terms of provoking a big reaction in the press. You’ve already caught some flack from autism activists about the chapter “Autism Shmautism.” But you’ve said that your words were taken out of context.

If you read the book, you know that they [reacted to] the exact opposite of what I was saying. I never said that autism didn’t exist. I never said that parents caused autism. I wasn’t defining autism, I was discussing it as a comedy doctor, not a real doctor. I was pointing to a real issue that exists, which a lot of people who deal with the issue and have children with autism have since e-mailed me to say they not only identify but agree with. Which is people who are, believe it or not, seeking out low-level diagnoses of [autism in] their kids to get a special needs recognition or to explain away the behavior. There’s no comedy point of view in saying there’s no such thing as autism, which is why I didn’t say it. The comedy point of view is to point out the ridiculousness of wishing away your child’s behavior by saying, “Oh, my kid’s special.” And that’s what I set out to say.

You wrote that the autistic kids who you know are smart, and if your kid is really lazy and stupid, that’s probably a sign that he’s not autistic.

The issue really is about lazy parenting and about the ridiculousness of seeking out or self-diagnosing yourself into that category. I did feel that when they pulled the words out, they did it without telling people what the chapter was about. I don’t blame people for being upset, because if I had read that, I would’ve been upset, too.

You weren’t exactly taking a cautious stance with this book, of course. You also wrote, “Please drug your children” and “You have to hit kids, you have a responsibility to do so.” Do you want to explain either of those?

You could also take something out of the “We’d Hate You Even If You Weren’t Black” chapter and make me look like a racist, I guess, if you wanted to approach it that way.

You seem to be taking a stab at the culture of permissive parenting.

Well, I think we all know that there are reasons that you tell kids yes and there are reasons that you tell kids no, and that’s part of good parenting. It’s become really an exercise for a lot of people in this country. They don’t have the time or the desire to pay attention to their kids, so they just yes their kids to death, and what you end up with are kids that are dying to have someone tell them no. And the reason that there’s a good smack on the ass is because it kind of works sometimes.

Have you had any backlash from your own kids when you were too harsh with them?

I think we’ve been pretty evenhanded with our kids. We ended up with two smart kids who would kind of tell us when we were being a little ridiculous with the punishment. But it’s like the whole issue of “We don’t want our kids watching this stuff on TV.” Well then, you’re going to have to actually watch your kids while they watch TV. At a certain age, they’ll find whatever they want. But if they’re in your house, you can pretty much control what they do and how they do it and when they do it, if you’re paying attention.

Are you in New York or L.A.?

I’m in New York.

I ask because I sometimes see parents giving in and taking the path of least resistance here, and I wonder if it’s a California thing or maybe an urban thing.

I think it actually happens all over the place. Because my kids were raised primarily in the country, and I certainly witnessed a lot of it out there, too … And then there’s the whole self-esteem thing, where everybody gets a trophy and we’re not gonna keep score. Well, you don’t really learn anything from that, except I should get a trophy every time I do something, whether it’s right or wrong, good or bad. That system doesn’t really work, and you end up with 30-year-olds who go, “What do you mean I have to have a job?”

Actually, quite frankly, I think you get people like George Bush [from that approach], you know? Where they’re so convinced they’re right and they can’t believe that anything’s going to go wrong, because God’s telling them [what to do].

You say at some point in your book that kids should stay home with their mothers. If Mom’s a Nobel Prize winner and Dad works at Taco Bell, should Mom quit her job to stay at home while Dad leaves to man the sour cream gun?

These are general rules, not hard and fast rules. I think the majority of [parents] realize that most of the time, kids want their parents to be a yin and a yang. And they almost always will expect more from their mom than they will from their dad in certain circumstances. Obviously if someone is the breadwinner and someone else is the stay-at-home person, the situation can be switched. But in general if a kid falls down, they want their mom.

It made me wonder if you think that daycare is bad for kids.

No, I think daycare is great for people who have to work two jobs. My problem is with people who are dropping kids off at daycare because they want to go out and spend the day golfing or getting their nails done. You know what I mean? That’s not why they invented daycare.

Have you heard from any of the people you mention in the book? Has Kathie Lee Gifford given you a call, for example?

Yeah, she did. She booked me for a show next Thursday.

That’s funny. And Matt Dillon, he’s a friend of yours, but how did he feel about his chapter (“Matt Dillon Is a Giant Fag”)?

I passed that chapter by him before I used it, because he’s a friend of mine. But that’s one of those things that actually makes Matt look great. It’s one of those ones that, if I changed it to another guy friend of mine, they would’ve been fighting over being the guy who got mentioned.

Have you been criticized for using the word “fag” at all?

No. I really didn’t expect to, because the word is used in the book the way it’s used in real life, at least among the guys I know. But I did an interview with The Advocate, and they loved the book. I don’t think anybody uses the word “fag” more than the gay guys that I know, quite frankly.

You say that you don’t believe the power of words. Can you explain what you mean by that?

I saw it explained last night by George Carlin because I introduced the clip where he did his original routine of the Seven Words [You Can't Say On Television]. Part of my introduction was about how it’s still being argued by the Supreme Court this week, 40 years later. As George described it, there’s a bunch of words that we all decided we can’t use because they mean certain things, which is good, because without those words, there’s no power in the use of those words in the occasions when you do want to use them. “Motherfucker” and “tits,” all seven of those words, they have great sound and they have great meaning, whether it’s good or bad. They’re great words. So if the Supreme Court said tomorrow, “Everybody can say them,” they lose their power, whether the power is good or bad, because they’d be on “Friends” at 8:30 at night on network television. So there wouldn’t be the fun and the edge that they have.

Your wife wrote a novel and Gawker wrote that one of the characters appeared to be modeled after Elizabeth Hurley. What’s your take on the media guessing about such things?

Well there’s not much you can do about it. It’s sort of the nature of the beast. There are times when it gets ugly and there are times it makes no sense and there are times when there’s a sliver of truth to it. There’s nothing you can do about it.

You don’t seem to censor yourself either way.

It obviously pisses me off and angers me when they get it wrong, but you know, I have enough public access. Because I’m a comedian I can get up onstage or on a talk show or into an interview and defend myself or say what I want in response, so it doesn’t really worry me.

And any skeletons that are in my closet, I talk about anyways, you know? I’d never run for public office, but, it’s kind of like when they were saying that thing about Cindy McCain, when they were talking about her prescription drug abuse during the campaign, and somebody said, “Well, why doesn’t somebody talk about Obama’s cocaine abuse?” Well, he wrote about it! It’s in his book! So I kind of feel like, what do you want me to do? Nobody can make more fun of me than I already make of myself. Whatever they wrote today, it’s like that great line in that Elvis Costello song about how the newspapers are wrapping up fish the next day anyway.

Is there anything you regret writing about in your book?

No, not at all. I write what I think is funny and I write from a sense of popping a balloon or a sense of injustice, whether it’s about yourself, or whether it’s about something else. It’s my worldview, it doesn’t mean that everybody has to agree with it. Last night there was a great quote from George Carlin — I know I’m stuck on him but that’s just because it’s so fresh in my mind — he said, “The comedian’s job is to find where the line in the sand is drawn and then cross over it.”

I’ve always felt like, if you were pissing people off and you were funny as a comedian, then you were doing your job, because there should be some people that are pissed off. If everybody was happy, that meant you were going down the middle of the road. There’s a great quote from Paul Newman when he died, which is, “If you have no enemies, you have no character.” I think that sort of describes what a good comedian is supposed to be doing.

When people meet you are they surprised that you’re different than they expected? What do they expect?

Some people expect me to be funny all the time, and I’m not necessarily funny all the time.

I was a little bit surprised by your chapter on Oprah. You wrote that you expected to find her annoying, and then, slowly, her immense power and reach in the world began to reveal itself.

Yeah, I gotta be honest, I just didn’t expect to see that much information on display, and I didn’t know about it.

Did you watch her show?

No, I didn’t. I thought I had enough information, and then when I sat down to write [that chapter], I had to get more [information], and then the more I got, the more surprised I was, and the more surprised I was, the more I kept going. Finally I was like, “Oh my God! This is crazy!” I said in the book, and I really believe it, they should have a show [like Oprah's, but] with Jon Stewart. If he did “The Daily Show,” and while he was ranking on the news of the day, he also gave you the sports scores and told you about things that could possibly break your penis? Then that would be the only show guys would ever watch.

Have you ever been on “Oprah”?

No, but I’m doing her radio show on part of the book tour, so that’ll be interesting.

You might have some trouble keeping your cool, being so close to such omnipotence. Every time I see her on TV, I’m amazed by her charisma and genius.

That’s how I got stuck in that chapter. I got overwhelmed!

That’s right. She’s like a shapeshifter.

She’s like a shaman.

I like the part where you say that there’s Mad Oprah, Sad Oprah, Holier Than Thou Oprah, Down and Dirty Oprah, etc.

I know, that was really unbelievable. I started watching episodes and snippets and pieces and I was like, “She tells you everything!”

And she’s appropriate to every moment. That chapter made me wonder, despite some other remarks you make in the book, if you consider yourself a feminist.

Yes, I do.

I thought so, but I wouldn’t have gathered that from the rest of your book.

Of course not, because I’m a man. But the truth is, if you’re really looking between all those lines, and I actually come close to saying it a couple of times … It’s actually serendipitous that we’re talking about Oprah, because when you come right down to it, whether it’s my wife or Oprah or my mom, women rule the world. And we’re [men are] just sort of in it. We’re in it and we’re using the towels, and we’re trying to remember the name of the color of the towels, and we’re hoping that we get the name right. We know that you might be pissed off — that’s why I say that Jon Stewart has to become the male Oprah, you guys have your Oprah. We need to have a guy who can tell us at 11 o’clock at night what the scores are, why our girlfriend or our wife might be pissed off, and how we can make her happy and keep our penises.

You seem to imply, in your book, that men are slightly inferior to women, although you don’t come out and say it.

I do think that that’s true. Ultimately, especially having raised children, if guys were left alone … I don’t know what would happen, but I think we have pretty good evidence: A lot of stuff would get blown up, there’d be a lot of really stupid fights over stupid stuff. And because there are these giant weapons, a lot of the time they’d be going, “Man, I wish we hadn’t blown each other up.” And also, I just don’t think it’s possible to be civilized and have children get all the information they need without a strong female hand. It’s great we’ve got a black president and it’s really kind of imperative that at some point we get a female president, too.

You know, “24″ is coming back with a two-hour special, and there’s a female president in it, but honestly, it was hard not to think, “Would the country really listen to a woman in her 50s?” Because no one listens to older women, they’re ignored. Ask my mom. Except for Oprah.

See, that’s the thing. Oprah would be a great president. If Oprah ran for president … which, by the way, maybe that’s the next thing! Obama does eight years, and then Oprah steps in. You know, in the book, I talk about how she can shame people into things? Because she’s sort of relentless. So not only is everybody going to be forced to do the right thing, but because she’s so open about weight and about clothing and about her greedy desires to own stuff and her private desires to change … She’s the ultimate leader, you know what I mean?

And there could never be any scandals, like you said, because everything is already out in the open.

Yeah, there are no scandals with Oprah, because if there’s a scandal she’s going to talk about it.

Now we’ve done it. We’ve taken the enjoyment of having a black man as the president of the United States, and we’ve already discarded that, and become unhappy, and now we want Oprah!