Greetings, new inductees, and welcome to the Splendid Campaign of America Re-Education (SCARE) program. We the superb commanders of the glorious excoriating devolution are pleased to inform you that you have suddenly decided to vote for the winnerable and wholly W, who is our most high Excellency in evasiveness. All swaggering be unto him and to his cabal of vituperative freedomizers.
O let us never forget, lest we stray into that most decadent of temptations, known to girlie men as democracy, that it is the threat of terrorism alone that determines our vote, and that only a vote for W will appease the evildoers. Hallelujah!
As you sign in for this re-education seminar, “Electoral Madness Made Easy,” please tell us what inspired you to spontaneously and independently choose this unwarranted course of action:
A) George W. Bush’s bold stand on behalf of lovesick OB-GYNs, as well as his brave support of “money for armor and body parts” — finally, a candidate who really understands the issues.
B) Sheer gratitude. By warning us that voting “wrong” would cause somebody, we’re not saying who, to sic the hounds of hell upon us, the compassionate vice president took everyone’s mind off the death toll in Iraq hitting 1,000. Dick, you lovable demagogue, you’re all heart!
C) Love of drama. John Kerry’s presidency would restore our nation’s standing, strengthen its national security, make health care affordable, increase funding to education, protect civil liberties, restore the environment, and provide real incentives to increase domestic job growth. Where’s the thrill in THAT?
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Great, be seated, sign the loyalty oath, and someone will be here to threaten you shortly.
Meanwhile, just like rational voters, you probably have lots of questions. For example:
How can I blunder with confidence?
If I give in to fear-mongering now, will the administration continue to promote renewable sources of fear?
When is the optimal time to have the last laugh at those Kerry supporters — before my Social Security is privatized, while I continue to pay double for healthcare, or after I lose my job?
Relax! All the answers you need are right here in this friendly, practical textbook, “Voting for Bush FOR DUMMIES.” Thanks to our integrated curriculum you will earn Mastered By Degrees in:
Language Arts: Use fun slogans the right way — and discover why you must never EVER say “We’re turning the corner” to those sensitive types in Ohio!
Economics: Find out how to invest all your unpaid overtime in a health savings account. Stake your claim to “the culture of ownership” — with no need to own anything whatsoever!
Sex Education: Can’t help lovin’ that RNC? Soon you too can have an orgasm once every four years — with your clothes on, and in full view of mean-spirited moralizers and homophobes. Oh, Zell, cheney me again!
Now before we go too far — and don’t worry, we will — let’s all stand and say the Pledge of Belligerence:
“I pledge my allegiance to the neo-Republicans and to the flag on which they stand, one nation under war, taking liberties with justice for all. God bless his good buddies, and may a horrible fate befall anyone who challenges George’s divine right.”
Lovely. Now for the school anthem. Ready? You all know the tune:
ISSUES! — HUH! (Good God) WHAT ARE THEY GOOD FOR? ABSOLUTELY NOTHIN’! (Say it again!)
Oh my, do I hear some budding Ashcrofts in the chorus? “Let the eagle soar, let the bloodhounds roar, there’ll be no secrets any more …” Ah, once we’ve tuned up the PATRIOT Act, we’ll have each of you singing like a canary on a land mine.
OK, get out your math homework.
If 1,055 wounded U.S. Reserves and Guards from Iraq wait several weeks to see doctors while billeted in unsanitary holding pens, and 230,000 regulars wait six months to see a Veterans’ Administration doctor for the first time, but Bush opposes a budget mandate for full V.A. care for veterans, Reserves and the National Guard, and supports dropping 640 claims processors while cutting nearly $1 billion of the V.A. budget for 2006, why would any veteran vote to elect this guy?
(Answer: What happened in Alabama stays in Alabama. All hail the heroic leadership bubble! A pox on Purple Hearts — bravery and honor are, like, sooo Sixties!)
On to history:
If the White House suppressed convincing evidence that Saudi Arabian government officials aided at least two of the hijackers in the 9/11 attacks (which might conceivably have a little something to do with the Bush family’s chumminess with the Saudi royal family and wealthy Saudis like the bin Ladens, who were among the 140 Saudis evacuated from the U.S. almost immediately after Sept. 11) why would anyone who values the truth vote for this guy?
(Answer: Hey, do I look like some intellectual fancy-pants to you? Let’s talk spitballs.)
And home economics:
Following the recipe, extend and expand reckless tax cuts from the first term into the second term, taking care not to stimulate the economy, and then gently fold the wealthiest Americans into the simplified tax code soufflé while easing all remaining Americans into a large Crock-Pot. Gradually turn up the heat as you season the stock with a thin wedge of flat tax. Discard the graduated tax system, using it to wrap up the bones of the government’s role in health care, retirement saving, jobs and affordable housing. Cook until done. Serves up millions on a silver platter.
Finally, that brings us to recess.
Today we have a special treat as we kick off The Festival of the Fourth Consecutive Year of Fiscal Deterioration. So please join us outside for games like “Guess Today’s Deficit Total,” and “Ring Around the Unemployment Office.” Now run along. With nearly one in eight Americans now living below the poverty line, it’s going to be a very crowded playground out there and the light is fading fast. All right then, 99 percent of class dismissed!