Joyce McGreevy

Well, it is now, Cutie! Ba-da-boom! Say, isn’t that the “Freedom Is On The March” Marching Band?

Sure is, Slab! They’re Baghdad bound amid new reports that the threat of nuclear proliferation by North Korea and Iran has increased over the past year and will probably get worse.

Freedom isn’t free, Cutie! And speaking of freedom — oh, sorry, what’s that? Breaking news from Oregon — three teachers have been arrested at a Cheney-Rove Reappointment Rally for showing up in T-shirts that displayed the words “Protect our civil liberties.”

Slab, that’s horrible. You shouldn’t say “civil liberties” on the air!

Oops, sorry, Cutie. I’m used to late night. Thank goodness, Sinclair will bleep it out. And now on to our Special Supreme Court Judges Award, sponsored by “Block the Vote 2000 — Now with 20 Percent more Voter Suppressant!”

And not to be left behind, Slab, the 2004 Florida “Veto the Vote” Fraud Committee has really outdone themselves this year. Just look at this beauty, a mixed-media panoply of intimidation, coercion, government intervention, criminal negligence, corruption, and improper election record purges. I haven’t seen anything so brazen since my cell phone company started offering free loofahs as part of their “Reach Out and Harass Someone” calling plan.

And now for the “I Ran and I Did Hide” Award, which goes to a float inspired by elusive terrorist Abu Musab Zarqawi. Zarqawi is now the center prop on a perpetually spinning float entitled “Carousel of Reasons to Attack Iraq.”

Groovy-tunes! So now we’re there to catch Zarqawi? Wait a sec, I thought the latest reason we were there is because Saddam Hussein abused the U.N. “oil for food” program.

That’s so last week, Cutie. Try to keep up! Of course, the Bush administration had three separate chances to catch Zarqawi before the war.

Well, that’s no fun. Anyway, so they ignored a real and growing lethal threat at a cost of thousands of lives while pursuing a personal agenda into unjustified, deficit-draining war with no end in sight. At least they didn’t acknowledge Cheney’s lesbian daughter.

Right, not even Cheney would do that. Remember when he invited her up onto the stage with the rest of his family after the Republican National Convention?

No, he didn’t.

Exactly. See, the guy has standards. Like he says, he is one angry father — just ask Sen. Leahy. This Kerry character — well, put it this way. Do you really want to go to sleep at night knowing that there is absolutely no hypocrisy agenda to put before the American people?

What, no hypocrisy agenda? Slab, stop! This is a family show. Don’t listen to him, children.

Relax, we’ve got all kinds of hypocrisy coming at the American public. Just look at this float.

Ooh, pretty!

Entitled “One Flu Over the Cuckoo’s Nest,” it features nearly 2,000 lawmakers and staffers receiving flu shots from the Capitol’s doctors, who urged them to be vaccinated — even those not in high-risk groups — because of their routine contact with — can I say this on the air? — people.

Ew, gross! I never have contact with people. I just report what I imagine they’re talking about. Like yesterday, my nanny takes my nine-year-old, uh, son, daughter, whatever, to a Britney Spears concert and Britney goes, “What Americans really care about is — ” hey, hold on. I just had a news-like thought and I don’t want to lose it. Didn’t George Bush tell Americans that if they were young and healthy they could ix-nay the u-flay ot-shay?

That is exactly what he said, Cutie. Now follow that to its logical conclusion. Not enough vaccine, 45 million people who’ve been without insurance so long that the only time they see a doctor is on “General Hospital” — which, by the way, is a great antidote to suicidal depression over your long term unemployment, folks …

To quote my favorite PSA, “The more you know!”

That’s right, Cutie, but keep that bouffant you call a brain on topic here for a second. See, it turns out nobody really needs health insurance — well, except rich people. You know, eating disorders, rhinoplasty, that sort of thing.

Phew! I feel so much better about America now. Oh, look at the “Burning Bush and Chatty God” float. That’s my favorite! But gee, I can’t hear a thing God’s saying.

No, only George can hear God. Pat Robertson was just lying his fundamentalist ass off the other day, right, Karen Hughes? Now as we bow our heads in prayer and cut to this commercial about erectile dysfunction, count your blessings that we’re not going to have a draft.

We’re not? Goodie! Gee, Slab, how do you know all this stuff?

Because George Bush said so, Cutie. Even God didn’t have the scoop on that one.

Well, Slab, no wonder we news gals ‘n’ guys haven’t looked into it. The word of George Bush is good enough for me! OK, everybody, coming up in our next segment, the sweetest October surprise of all — “Terms of Endorsements” a float that brings together Russian democracy defender Vladimir “Who needs elections?” Putin and the head of the security council for Iran, Hasan Rowhani!

Hey, thanks, Vlad! Thanks, Has! You wild and crazy freedom lovers really rule! Now say goodnight, Cutie.

Goodnight, Condi!

As the poet Walt Whitman might have blogged, “I hear America cringing.” Welcome to America Lite. Now with 3,700 percent more deficit!

In America Lite, cutbacks run free and contractors ride off into the sunset. And seldom is heard a discouraging word in the wide open spaces of your retiring TV news anchor. Good morning, America Lite! Join us as we gloss over the results of your Extreme Makeover. Lady Liberty has had the principles liposuctioned right out of her, Uncle Sam is on steroids, and the biggest enemy of the United Nations just got nominated as ambassador to the United Nations. What’s next? Lizzie Borden for secretary of health and human services? MC Hammer for secretary of the treasury? Donald Rumsfeld for secretary of defense? But enough about that. We now return you to our regularly scheduled Martha Marathon, already in progress.

Take a gander around America Lite. Check out the infrastructure. Quaint, isn’t it? You’ve got your roadways, your railroads, your power grids and whatnot. The American Society of Civil Engineers just gave it all a D, down from a D-plus in 2001 and 2003. Sure, we could fix it, but that would cost $1.3 trillion and we need that plus several billion more just to knock the stuffing out of Social Security. Oh, frayed new world!

In America Lite, folks who lose their Social Security benefits can still give their regards to Wall Street — because politicians of all stripes and every shade of yellow-belly are standing up for the rights of struggling Americans to give a big fat gift to banks and credit card companies. Yaaay! Fee at last, fee at last, thank God almighty we’re saddled with a 23.99 percent fee at last.

Hey buddy, lost your income while serving National Guard duty in Iraq? No problem. While you were dodging bullets without a Humvee shield, the Enron boys were hiding behind their asset shields. So now you too can feel like a big spender as you keep making house payments long after the bank forecloses.

The shiny new bankruptcy bill, also known as “Serenade of the Quid Pro Schmoes,” should make it much harder for families with debt to start over after suffering serious illness, unemployment and other calamities. Annual premium on your health insurance? $7,000. Cost of a dilapidated tract house in California? $700,000. Campaign donation for Beltway robber barons? Priceless.

Because in America Lite, we believe that fewer people working harder than ever can build a better life for every single man, woman and child who is a member of the investor class. And that’s why the America Lite team is on the job — everyone’s job. For example, Wal-Mart and other retailers are lobbying Congress to let truckers work 16-hour days. What good is a crumbling infrastructure without truckloads of sleep-deprived, pay-cut-pummeled, benefit-burgled, debt-ridden American drivers to make it more of a challenge? And what good are nurses if they can’t handle a drastic increase in patient levels? In these exciting times, any unsafe nurse-to-patient staffing ratios will soon be alleviated by spiraling morbidity rates.

In a world where excessive advances in knowledge could present a serious obstacle to the steady progress of humanity’s handbasket along its hellish trajectory, America Lite is greasing the wheels and paving the way. Indeed, the Bush budget cuts will help reduce bothersome research into food security, animal viruses, forestry sustainability and a lot of other stuff that has never preempted a Katie Couric exclusive on “Botox for Babies.” Simper Fi, Katie! Meanwhile, NASA is about to jettison 3,000 of its best and brightest researchers. Because in America Lite, the study of global climate change and breakthroughs in aviation safety need never take the place of good old creationism and confiscation of deadly toenail clippers by the Transportation Security Association.

So sleep well, little citizen. Because in America Lite, you can rest easy knowing that while your personal passwords are misappropriated, your sensitive information is being bought and sold, and your identity has been shipped by next-day air to key demographics in several states, you will never again be threatened by the terror of a split-second nipple flash on your countertop TV. And besides, the FBI is sort of wending its labyrinthine way toward getting on the case. It has spared no taxpayer expense, pouring $581 million into failed efforts to overhaul a computer system so antiquated that it was operational back when people in Ohio and Florida still had the vote.

But don’t neglect to say your prayers, because in America Lite, the economy may be faith-based, but the White House doubts the existence of people who need jobs.

So try to win that lottery, hire a team of lawyers and accountants, and if you still need something to do, run for office to deep-six medical malpractice lawsuits and high-five the pharmaceutical lobby. As the American poet once said, “Do I contradict myself? Very well then, I guess that makes me president.”

The president’s wish list was scribbled on the back of a postcard that also read, “Dear Federal Surplus, Enjoying D.C. Wish you were here.”

Many lawmakers have questioned the wisdom of issuing the White House a constant stream of blank checks. But as Secretary of Defensiveness Donald Rumsfeld made evident in remarks to the House Armed Services Committee, wisdom’s just another word for “Oh, what the hell.”

Challenged to come up with some straight answers, or else just use the word “calibrate” in a sentence, Rumsfeld ventured, “What lessons have we learned during the past three-plus years of warfare that can lead us to better calibrate and refine our strategies against enemies, who, lest we forget, have brains?”

Several awkward moments later, Rumsfeld still had not responded to his own questions, so White House spin doctors were called in.

But the champ of chicanery was doing just fine: “When you come back to reset the force,” he said, “you reset the force the way it ought to be … The question is, is that a replenishment and a reset that goes in a supplemental, or is it something else? Is it an improvement? Well, it’s both.”

Rumsfeld also defended White House plans to spend $8.8 billion on ballistic missile defense programs, arguing that the mere fact that the system hasn’t worked yet and would not therefore serve as a deterrent to aggression should hardly be considered a deterrent to keep funding the hell out of it.

Shortly afterward, Rumsfeld, along with Treasury Pez Dispenser John Snow and Secretary of Fate Condoleezza Rice, agreed to let Christo and Jeanne-Claude wrap them in sheets and install them along the Washington Mall, as part of an exhibition called “The Gatekeepers: A Look Back at the Beginning of the End.” The artists had used a steady flow of accountant’s red ink, as well as domestic and foreign blood, to give the sheets their distinctive color.

Supporters of the “Budget to End All Budgets” say critics are willfully ignoring the president’s offsets. According to a report issued by the newly formed Department of Endless Expense and its subsidiaries and shareholders, “Our well-funded unilateral analysis shows that overall, the federal budget makes judicious cuts in programs that only affect ordinary people out there in Otherland. Furthermore, we heard no objections from such types at our closed-door sessions.”

The report also praised the White House for its willingness to do without an exit strategy. “This alone demonstrates the president’s firm commitment to making sacrifices, something that has touched, and will continue to touch, countless numbers of Americans and Iraqis.”

The report concludes, “By adhering to a strict policy of chaos-based initiatives, there is no limit to the things we cannot do. These are the things that cost money and the reason they pay us the big bucks.”

But some lawmakers insist that mismanagement of resources and massive waste of taxpayer money may actually not be in the public’s best economic interest. Making a cameo appearance on the low-rated sitcom “Desperate Democrats” (since replaced by the edgier “Dean Patrol”), Sen. Joe Lieberman seemed poised to whisper that he was fully prepared to issue a few quibbles. But Lieberman tempered his remarks on hearing from his agent that his controversial kiss scene with the president, filmed live at the State of the Union address, had gone so well that the duo were being considered as presenters for the 2006 Grammy Awards.

Meanwhile the Senate Democratic Policy Committee — rumored actually to have formed a committee and to have a policy — has called on Republican leaders to investigate reports that more than 9 billion of taxpayer dollars intended for reconstruction in Iraq were either missing, unaccounted for, or stuffed into a coffee can at an undisclosed location. The leaders said they would get right on it.

But not all Republicans were as agreeable. “Oh, boohoo, they can’t find $9 billion,” said a defense contractor, who spoke anonymously because his name is privately owned and operated. “We’re busy trying to protect our patriotic investment and they’re nickel-and-diming us to death.”

“I owe the American people a great debt,” the president said. “So let us begin the work of giving that debt back to them.” The president proudly displayed a finger that had been dipped in red ink, and then handed the finger back to Alberto Gonzales, his nominee for Atrocity Central.

The personal deficit proposal instantly quashed fears that Bush’s Social Security reform was about as bad as things were likely to get. As one observer said, “It was suddenly so quiet in there you could have heard Tom DeLay’s indictment drop.”

“I — I guess that’s good news,” said a visibly elated average American who was being hustled away by Secret Service agents for walking within a mile of Washington. “Everything’s fine, right? You guys’ll have me home in time for ‘American Idol,’ right?”

Under the new Social Austerity reform, the majority of Americans will be given their own personal debt account. Each American’s account will become active at the time of birth, with an opening balance of minus $25,767. Upon a person’s death, whether from shock or exhaustion, his or her compounded debt will be passed on to succeeding generations with an added “interest incentive.”

Is privatized debt likely to match the obvious benefits of destroying a mass poverty-prevention program like Social Security? “The appeal of debt personalization is plain to see, at least from my office on Wall Street,” said financial services giant and Ways and Means to an End Committee member Chip Snaub. Snaub, who spoke on condition of free publicity, had a hand in shaping the proposal and is keeping the other hand ready. “Clearly, Americans want choice, and our job as faithful grifters of the common good is to sell them the only choice we want them to have — the power to decide how best to eliminate their share of the national total.”

Asked how he planned to manage his own debt account, Snaub explained that he is “among the few Americans who will be — how shall I put this? — ‘left out’ of the debt experience. To be honest, I don’t feel I’m entitled to any debt, as I was born heavily wealth-conditioned. This is why I’ve given so freely and billed so generously in my efforts to direct a fully loaded debt share to the average American. To do otherwise just wouldn’t feel good.”

Others ineligible for personal debt accounts include corporations — which find it more businesslike to use taxpayer-funded services than to pay for them “like some common customer” — and anyone whose net worth is deemed so high as to be obscene. “That’s where the moral values kick in,” Snaub explained.

The creation of a debt ownership society  “one that will allow the have-nots to fully have naught,” as Bush said in his address — would mark the fulfillment of a lifelong dream for the president, whose experience with debt harks back to his earliest business ventures in what is now the Sovereign Nation of Texas. Until now, the president’s time has been taken up by such everyday matters as restructuring Iraq, declaring sanctions on education, clear-cutting factories, outsourcing the environment, making the vote cuts permanent and reading “Torture for Dummies.”

Now he can really do something.

As a second-term president, Bush recognizes his 51 percent share of the vote as a powerful mandate, if only because it is several points higher than some of his test scores at Harvard Business School.

“And when you think about it, having the lowest approval rating of any second-term president since Richard Nixon just serves to underscore that he, too, is not a crook,” said Todd Toadly, the president’s undersecretary of yes-men. “That’s the kind of character you can take to the bank.”

Some critics fear, however, that the sudden inheritance of personal debt could prove too much for most Americans, who might give in to the wild temptation to pay off their entire share of the national deficit at once.

Not true, says Lyle Foolem, founder of Citizens for a Fear Economy. “We simply need to give people the tools — OK, sell them the tools — to maintain a balanced portfolio of job loss, pay cuts, benefit gouging and rising prices. Throw in the $800 billion that can’t be accounted for in Iraq and other miscellaneous expenses, and that should keep them too freaked out to do much of anything.”

One of the most exciting parts of the privatized-debt proposal is surely the distribution of up to 4.5 trillion negative dollars, the estimated cost of killing off Social Security over the next 20 years. As the president explained Wednesday night, “Look, whenever you destroy something that allows people to escape poverty there’s going to be some cost involved. But surely trillions of dollars will seem like a small price to pay once every man, woman and child starts counting up the debt they’ve accrued in their personal accounts.”

Once the transition from Social Security to personal debt accounts is complete, the president will move on to other proposals. These include simplifying the tax code by adding 10,000 pages to it, improving healthcare by making it a capital offense to call in sick and making college affordable by closing down every class but the one where that guy teaches oil painting on TV.

We took on education and won, passing the buck to a few good spokesmen and making it easier for a pretty swell bunch of mammon lovers for Jesus to get their hands on the rest. Because wherever two or more think tanks and charter schools is gathered in his name, so goes the agenda. Donor by donor, pawn by pawn, we’re forming a coalition of the shilling to lead this children’s crusade all the way to the front lines of graduation — to what I’d rather not say. The future is ours, and the rest will just have to figure something out when they get there.

We reached out to hundreds of Muslims detainerated in Guantáanamera, making the camp all permanent like, because they hate our freedom. We put an end to torture by calling it “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Torture.” Sometimes words have consequences, and that’s why God gave us revisionism.

To our bravest young men and women, especially the first to arrive in Baghdad, we bequeathified a place in our ownership society.. Own your own plan, we said — invasion, security, exit — see what you can come up with. Buy your own safety gear. Here, have a stop-loss order. Go on, take it.

Heck, own your own darn reason why we’re there in the first place. Then, in 16 words or less, write it on the back of a postcard, and mail it to “Justification of Invasion: Top Ten Reasons Contest, Attn: Scotty on the Spot, the White House, 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., Behind the Barricade, District of Condoleezza.” Winner will be chosen by random drawing. This offer not valid in Massachusetts.

If you make it back, why not buy years of therapy and start up a little business? When someone buys a machine part, someone else has to manufact it. Just not here. Nobody said fair trade was fair.

And it just keeps getting better. There’s ’bout to be an election at an undisclosed location so people in Iraq can experience the same rights as voters in Miami-Dade and Broward counties. You’re welcome. Wish we could loan you the DLC, which was such a big help to our campaign. Wonderful pack of sit-down guys. No, really, I mean it. You boys get any more agreeable, I’m going to offer you a place in my Cabinet. So keep up the nice work and don’t let 56 million people tell you different. Also wanna thank the press. You kids are cuter ‘n a box of Bill Frist lab kittens. Here, have some more yarn. You’ve earned it.

Which brings me to today. America has spoken, and I’ve made it a point of personal pride never to listen. That’s called a mandate. Anybody need some political capital? I got your capital right here. With a mandate comes the solemn duty to do what I want. And it starts with T and it ends with E, and that spells Social Security reform. Which is exactly what the 2004 campaign was all about, ‘cept back in that era I told the American people it was national security. Whatever.

There’s an old saying about Social Security. “If it ain’t broke, fix me once. Break it, won’t get paid again.” Well, if it ain’t broke, someone better get on with it. I got only 18 months to piratize this sucker. The sooner we get cracking, the sooner the big fix can begin.

Some folks say this is a cynical attempt to take down the most effective means of preventing poverty in the history of our nation. That only proves Social Security is too big for its britches. The little showoff is on stronger financial footing than the U.S. government itself, and that’s just uppity.

Far be it from me to play the fear card, but the British government has learned that Social Security recently sought significant quantities of uranium from Africa. Our intelligence sources tell us that Social Security has stockpiled a surplus even as we try to convince the American people it’s flat bust. Flat bust, I tell you. The government now has irrefutable proof that Social Security is in crisis. Because I said so, that’s why.

We cannot stand by and invest our solvency in low-income seniors, the disabled and survivors of a deceased parent. Who died and made them the unborn? For only $2 trillion we could accomplish a peaceful transfer of power and cashola to people who have the necessary experience.

Some say we’re cozying up to financial services companies and their executives ’cause they donated 4 million bucks — more than any other industry — to today’s ignorification. Some say Wall Street will reap a windfall once Congress makes nice with my plan for these pirate investment accounts. Some even say that high-finance types may have some interest in my mission to make tax cuts permanent for the right people. This is news to me, and as such I would never have been briefed on it.

But to single out money-grubbing speculators is a flat-out insult to the energy companies and their executives, who also ponied up more than $2.7 million for today’s celebration of freedom. Those energy folks has worked closely with me for years to make sure all Americans walk in the light of an industry-friendly energy bill. Freedom from regulation is on the march.

And that is my promise to the American people. To cast a wide net for freedom, from the ancient ruins of Enron to the future ruins of Iran, with lots of interesting alleys along the way. Freedom to stand in mute unity with the Republican House and Senate. Freedom from tyranny, be it the corporate tax or the frivolous lawsuit. Freedom to navigate your own way, whether through healthcare or unemployment. Freedom to make a difference in the lives of others, like gay couples and pro-choice women.

Now let’s get this party started. Heavily armed SWAT teams and trained attack dogs are standing by to help you celebrate your freedom and keep a safe distance from my limo. God bless America. And that’s an order.

But what if someone — like constituents all over the country — should attempt to reset “The Silent Senator,” such as by pointing out that protesting the vote isn’t about changing the outcome of the presidential election but about standing up for our basic right to choose who represents us? No worries! Just turn on the white-noise machine and “The Silent Senator” will blink “12:00, 12:00, 12:00,” appearing to function normally while not giving you the time of day!

Alert! Alert!
There appears to be a programming glitch in the “Boxer” model. Engineers of the right and center are already on hand to troubleshoot any damage caused when Sen. Barbara Boxer (D-Calif.) and Rep. Stephanie Tubbs Jones (D-Ohio) throw a spanner into the works of the machine. Fortunately, “The Silent Senators” are mostly running normally. Not one of them has voted with Boxer. Whew! Remember, guys, when it comes to representing us, “Just say no!” After all, if our votes don’t count, it’s not like we can kick you out of office.

Crisis in a Can
Ever found yourself short of a way to scare the American people? Then pour on a little “Crisis in a Can” and watch the faux fear fly. To use, simply stir it up, bring to a boil, give it a mouthwatering presentation on TV, and then ladle it down gullible gullets everywhere. Best of all, you can flavor “Crisis in a Can” with whatever you happen to have in stock, from Imminent Threat of Terrorism to Deadly Soda Pop. Best of all, “Crisis in a Can” is both a stimulant and a sedative, which means consumers will be on edge, off balance and under duress — yet perfectly OK with that!

The Sum Totaler
Why did Social Security cross the road? Because the Republicans staged a head-on collision. The “Sum Totaler” then arrives on the scene to convince the average American that Social Security is so badly in need of repair that the only way we can fix it is to siphon off the gas and see if that helps. Oops, maybe not. OK, tell you what. Try slashing the tires, removing the engine, and vandalizing the headlights. Anything? See, I told you that thing was a piece of junk. That’ll be $2 trillion. Make the check out to Wall Street.

The Pretty Darn Fast (PDF) “Dopey” Reader
How it works: Scans complicated bills and spits out a vote decision without causing any cumbersome build-up of understanding. Now reading bills will be so quick and easy it’s like you’re not reading at all!

Why Congress needs it: Rep. Brian Baird (D-Wash.) tried to persuade Congress to enforce the three-day rule, which puts undue pressure on our busy guys and gals to read a bill before voting on it. As if anyone needed more than a few minutes to evaluate the pros and cons of a bill that might comprise thousands of pages of small print and contain hidden provisions leading to unalterable consequences for millions of Americans. C’mon, this isn’t rocket science. Get on with it.

The Shill Game
Both game and game player fit snugly into any deep pocket! No battery or conscience needed, this baby runs entirely on major campaign donations. So simple even the president can play. Watch him rack up points for the insurance industry by pushing caps on jury awards to injured plaintiffs. Did we say caps? Make that kneecaps, as medically damaged kids and seniors on fixed incomes wonder what hit ‘em! More hilarious than “America’s Funniest Home Injuries,” it’s like two  two  two assaults in one! But wait, there’s more. Buy now and malpractice insurance costs and health insurance premiums will continue to soar. After all, if they don’t, the wrong terrorists will have won.

Coming up: “Tools for Fools” — The Home Game
Fun for the whole family, and makes a pleasant alternative to organizing for health care coverage, pay equity and civil rights. The rules couldn’t be easier and the only game pieces required … are you! Just follow the instructions, move the designated number of spaces, and you too could win the chance to say, “Politics doesn’t really affect me.”