On Feb. 14, Bloomsbury published an anthology of essays titled “Committed: Men Tell Stories of Love, Commitment, and Marriage,” in which 17 men share their perspectives on settling down. The prospect of reading the male take on matters of the heart is always alluring thanks to the widely held cultural assumption that men cannot speak in complete sentences when talking about feelings. (The ancillary assumption being that women never stop gabbing about them.)
Indeed, Jay McInerney, in his introduction to “Committed,” promises that many of the essays in the book “deconstruct [the] stereotype of male commitment aversion (not to mention the stereotype about men being emotionally inarticulate).” But in some respects, “Committed” does little to dispel the notion that persuading a man to marry is like stuffing a tomcat into a pet-carrier: a lot of scratching and hissing leads to grudging submission and admission of defeat. Many of the writers, even while extolling the virtues of their chosen partners, take a moment to fill readers in on their very, very successful sexual histories.
What’s interesting, and sweet, about the “Committed” essayists is their explorations of the aspects of partnership not simply pertaining to monogamy. Many of the pieces touch on more nuanced examples of the compromises and sacrifices we make for love. David Sedaris allows his boyfriend to lance a boil on his ass; Chip Brown rousts himself from sleep to smear self-tanner on his wife’s back; Rick Moody learns to love his girlfriend’s cats; Tad Friend gets rid of a well-used mattress.
The majority of the “Committed” contributors are media machers, as are many of their partners. And as one reviewer put it, so many of the essayists are New Yorkers, Brooklynites even, that “they might as well have called it Committed in Cobble Hill.’” Salon sought out some of the local women of “Committed” — the partners of McInerney, Colin Harrison, Jonathan Mahler and Rich Cohen — to get the female perspective on relationships. For a change.
In “Conversion,” New York Times Magazine writer and Jew Jonathan Mahler writes about falling in love with his shiksa wife, New York Times editor Danielle Mattoon. (Both are friends of this reporter.) Mahler describes the tricky religious negotiations of their engagement: Mattoon’s enrollment in “Jew school,” his horror at the Christmas-tree ornament with his name on it at her New England family home, their discussion of conversion and wrangling over whether she’ll violate Jewish tradition by accepting gifts at a baby shower.
Salon: So what was your reaction when you read your husband’s essay?
Danielle Mattoon: Well, I knew about the idea and he kept me in the loop about how it was going. So it wasn’t a surprise.
What is your take on the religious issues you’ve had to come to grips with in your marriage?
I think it’s portrayed pretty accurately in this piece. Subsequently we’ve had a baby and the religious issues that surrounded the marriage have raised their head again concerning Gus. I’m glad I took classes and glad we had a Jewish wedding. The conversion issue is still unresolved, but the more dogmatic he becomes, the less interested I am in capitulating because I don’t want it to be — and think it shouldn’t be — a capitulation. It should be something I want to do because I want to do it.
Was religion the major stumbling block in the decision to commit to each other?
I’m not sure it was a stumbling block at all. I think that by the time we became serious I’d given up the notion of ever having a Christmas tree in the house and he’d given up on the notion of marrying a Jewish woman. I mean, I mentally got rid of the Christmas tree on the second date. And then the more subtle parts of the negotiations evolved from there.
Why were the negotiations always about your conversion and not his?
Because I didn’t have a very strong religious upbringing and I don’t have a relationship that I care about with the Episcopal Church and I didn’t really feel like I’d be leaving anything behind. It’s much more of a cultural identification than it is a spiritual one for me. So I was actually interested in adding a spiritual element to my life. I’d be really happy if Judaism turns out to be that spiritual element. However, it turns out that Jonathan’s relationship with Judaism isn’t a spiritual one; it’s much more a cultural and political one, so I need to find my own path. I’m not going to be turned on to Judaism by Zionist editorials. Whether I agree or disagree, it’s just not going to be my route. It’s going to be a more searching, spiritual thing.
A lot of the “Committed” guys write about giving in to notions of commitment. Did you feel like you sacrificed by getting married?
It hasn’t been a sacrifice. Something that’s become more clear to me since I had a baby is that I think for women — at least for me, and I find myself a more clichéd example of my gender every day — as they find commitment and gain a family they feel more contented. Women find a sort of solace in a certain amount of solidity; they eagerly move toward these things that bind them to the world, like a husband and family. And men see it as a taking away of their freedoms; for them, each step is a reduction of their liberties, whereas women find certain amount of liberation in knowing where they stand.
Did you like being single?
I felt much more at loose ends, more anxious. I didn’t feel like there was this world of opportunities and “Oh, I can just go sleep with anyone in a bar!” That didn’t do it for me. But men have fantasies that they can just take off, and those become less of a possibility with certain passages of life like marriage and having a child. Not that Jonathan is ever going to jump on a plane and go to Rome on a whim, but I think he always thinks it would be nice if he could.
We were once watching television at some bar and there was a college basketball game on TV and Jonathan was looking at the game and said, “Wouldn’t it be great to be back in college?” And I thought that was ridiculous. When I was in college I was so lost and depressed and in such a psychic panic about “whither me.” But he regards that time as just full of liberty; he could go to bars with strangers, he didn’t have to be home at night. It’s a romantic fantasy about that kind of freedom that I just don’t get. One thing I have never ever wished is that I were younger. I think things get easier and I get happier as I get older.
Do you think that’s about a female willingness to take on responsibility and a male eagerness to evade it?
I wouldn’t say that’s true of Jonathan. Both of us revel in all the little responsibilities in taking care of Gus. Not to get sappy, but they don’t really feel like responsibilities. I think it’s more of an abstract kind of “I’ll never be that person again” thing.
So what changed about your relationship after you decided to commit for good?
I pretty much hate the way anyone chews their food. And with Jonathan I just decided: Everyone chews and I’ve got to live with it.
Had this chewing thing been a deal-breaker in earlier relationships?
I just hate eating noises, and it’s always a problem with the person you’re dating because you have to eat with them. But if you’re in a relationship you want to get out of and you hate the way your partner chews, that’s as good a reason as any to get out of it. But not anymore.
Colin Harrison’s essay “Incision” closes “Committed.” Harrison’s piece is not so much an exploration of his own marriage as it is a look at the end of another. He writes about the slow and painful death of his father, his recognition of the impact it has on his mother, and the way he and his wife, author Kathryn Harrison, expand their own relationship to absorb the grief and responsibility of mourning. Central to his tale is his wife’s choice to look at an unhealing gash down the middle of his father’s belly, and her warning to him that he should not do the same.
Salon: Did you learn anything about your husband from reading his “Committed” essay?
Kathryn Harrison: No, I knew him in that way already. I knew he was thinking a lot about his parents’ marriage when his father was dying. For better and for worse, both of us are terribly earnest people who are not at all ironic about marriage. I think we took our marriage vows very seriously and believed we were and are together till death do us part. I never went through any process of struggle or decision-making before we got married. I knew this was my husband on the first date. And at that point I wasn’t somebody who was looking to get married.
How did you meet?
We met in grad school at the Writers’ Workshop at Iowa. We were at a reading together briefly. Then one day we were standing in the graduate lounge at the mailboxes and he came up to me and said, “So why don’t we have lunch? How about next Tuesday?” And I said, “OK, sure.” And he said, “Well aren’t you going to write it down?” I was a little taken aback both because it seemed weirdly bossy and also sort of sweet. As if I’d forget. So we had lunch and agreed we’d have a real date the following Friday, which we did, and on Monday he handed me his house key and I moved in and that was it. I had just turned 24. He was the same. He was a year ahead of me, so he entered a doctoral program he had no intention of completing [in Iowa] to hang around me. Then we moved to New York and got married. I was pregnant a year later with my first child.
Did it ever bother you to live here in New York in the land of single women as a married woman?
No, I’ve often thought I must be really lucky. Certainly having that huge question of one’s life settled early allows you more time and energy to work on other things. I’ve never looked at it as a question of how many people I won’t be involved with. But I never was somebody who dated. I had one serious relationship and then another. I guess I’m somebody who’s commitment-inclined.
Why do you think that is?
I don’t know. My mom and dad were divorced when I was an infant so the only role model I had was my grandparents’ marriage, which was not conventional. My grandmother had my mother when she was 43. And both of my grandparents were so eccentric I don’t know what ideas I had from them about what marriage was. I know so many friends who when they got married, it was the culmination of so many fantasies. I was never that person. I didn’t think that much about it until it happened. In my case, it was totally intuitive.
Given that you went into this calmly, did you find any surprises in commitment?
I don’t think anybody can really anticipate what it’s going to be like to be a parent. I don’t think anybody is really prepared for the amount of time and energy and focus kids demand. Or for the amount of joy either. We’ve been married for 17 years and we’ve gone over a few bumps in which I thought — I’m sure this is true of Colin as well — “OK, so this is the person I’m going to be living with for the rest of my life; this is something I’m going to have to learn to cope with.” Never moments where I thought, “OK, I’m outta here.” Both of us were not only committed to each other in a pretty unqualified way from the beginning, but we’ve both been mystified by people entering into it with less commitment than that. We’ve known people who’ve gotten married with a “Let’s see how it goes” attitude and I couldn’t identify with that.
You’re someone who’s written very openly about your personal life. How does it feel to have your husband doing it?
I am much more comfortable writing about stuff like this than my husband is. Somehow when I’m writing personal essay or memoir I really intend to vivisect myself. It’s not that I’m not a private person. But I think that there’s some sort of disjuncture. I’m a very private person who uses means of self-exposure for expression.
The issues are different for Colin. He’s more self-conscious and more protective of his privacy and our family’s privacy. But because we’re both writers we’ve understood from the beginning that we each have autonomy as writers: that I can’t censor him and he can’t censor me. That doesn’t mean we’re not sensitive to each other. But I am trying to think of what he could say that would bother me, and I just don’t know. But then again, I sort of have put us through a trial by fire, so I have a different relationship to this than many people would and I know that.
You seem so calm about all of this.
I think we are pretty calm about marriage. I guess we’re just very certain. I know a number of people for whom certain fights lead to thinking or saying the “D” word: “divorce.” I know that that’s never popped into my head. I’ve never seen our marriage as something that might be over. When I think about the end of it, every once in a while, I think: Which one of us will go first? And then I think: How can that be? Who’s left behind? And that seems an impossible thought.
So you think of your relationship in terms of death?
I think I’m somebody who thinks about death probably a lot. I’m not obsessed with it but I do think about it routinely.
Do you think that’s one of the reasons you were able to look at Colin’s father’s wound?
I think his father asked me to look at it because he wanted my witness to what had happened. I don’t think you could bear it by yourself, the consciousness of that kind of wound. I don’t think he would have asked Colin because I think to ask that of his child was a different thing, it would have a different impact. Because of the impact it had on me I remember telling Colin there was no reason for him to look at it. I just didn’t see purpose in that kind of pain.
Do you think that your awareness of death goes hand in hand with your appreciation for your relationship with your husband?
I don’t know if I’ve ever felt that keen love for anybody without the twin feeling of “Oh my god what would it be like to lose you?” I don’t know that I experience one without the other. Having children also changes your relationship to the idea of your death. I remember getting mugged about eight years ago and only having $40 on me and thinking, “Please let it be enough.” And saying, “I have kids,” and he had what turned out to be a toy gun.
You’re hostage to the feelings that you have for people. I don’t think there’s any way around that. I think that’s why some people are afraid of commitment. I guess it’s the impulse to not put yourself in a position in which you could lose them.
And opening “Committed” is an introduction by the thrice-married “Bright Lights, Big City” author Jay McInerney, who tells of how he was foiled on the way to his fourth trip down the aisle. His live-in partner and fiancée, Jeanine Pepler, decided partway through the wedding planning that she didn’t want to get married, but wanted to stay together. McInerney writes of the way this decision turned social assumptions on their heads; friends didn’t know whom to console, and he didn’t know how to feel. Had he escaped? Or has he been unceremoniously set free?
Salon: What was your reaction to Jay’s piece?
Jeanine Pepler: I was quite amused. You know, Jay was supposed to be a contributor. And when I called off the wedding, he said, “I don’t know what to write anymore.” And I told him, why don’t you write about what happened? Why does the fact that we’re not getting married mean our relationship is over? Or damaged? Isn’t there a way to write that you don’t necessarily have to get married to prove something to society or to yourselves? So why don’t you write about the truth, which is we didn’t get married but I love you and you love me.
So what happened exactly?
Well, I sort of pushed him a little bit and wanted to see if he loved me enough to marry me. And he did. And once we had plans, we had the church, the priest, once everything was in place it was just a matter of doing it. And suddenly I said to myself: But why? It’s so great the way it is! Also, he’d been married three times and it didn’t work, why would the fourth time be any different? And if we do it, what’s next? Not children — he has two gorgeous children who I’m so lucky to have in my life — so maybe divorce is next.
Have you been married before?
Yes, I was married at 24 and divorced at 27. My marriage taught me that marriage doesn’t solve any problems; it just creates new ones. And it creates this great sense of what’s next. And I’ve never been that keen on kids so when Jay and I met, and I realized he’d been married three times, I was quite happy about that because I wasn’t looking for kids.
But you said you pushed him to marriage.
Well, it’s important to know that a man wants to marry you, that he would marry you. Especially since you look at Hollywood endings, even “Sex and the City” — the TV show not the book, Candace [Bushnell] is a friend — but even the TV show succumbed to convention. It seems like it’s always about the appropriate social ending which is somehow always marriage. In the first couple of years with us it never came up. But at one point — and I think it happens with girls at some point — I began to think, “Would he marry me? You know, he married three other women! So what’s wrong with me?” But then it turned out he did want to marry me. But then when I called it off people would look at me and say, “Oh, I’m so sorry.” And I would say, “No, no way. I called it off.” But they felt bad for me and that made me feel bad. And Jay said, “But you did it!” And I’d explain, “No, it’s this social thing.” And Jay said, “Screw ‘em” and I said, “Yeah, I know, screw ‘em.”
So exactly how long before the wedding did you nix it?
Well, we had the date and the church. We were getting married on May 29 in 2004 in St. Barts and we called it off just before Christmas.
Was he surprised?
Yes, he nearly choked. We were having lunch over a bottle of wine and I didn’t know how to say it because it wasn’t supposed to be a downer. So I just said, “Would you mind if we didn’t get married?” He looked at me like I’d grown another head and he said, “Are you sure?” And I said, “I love you but I have grown in my own thoughts about this.” It’s the “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it” theory.
Did you feel like you were reversing gender roles?
I did. That was actually quite fun in a way. There’s something fun and playful about turning the tables. He enjoyed it too. I think it strengthened our relationship hugely.
Is there any possibility you might want to get married later?
Sure. Absolutely nothing is out of the question. It’s not like it’s off the table but right now it’s not an imperative. Right now things are good and I’m very happy and I love him and I’m so lucky. We’ve been together for five and a half years and we live together and have a French bulldog named Zelda who is our child.
So do you view this as like being married?
Yes. But I’ve been legally tied to someone, and I know that the mind-set is different. I have a fight with Jay and I think, “I can leave.” There’s nothing binding me; I’m not shackled. So every day is a decision to stay. It makes my choice to be with him, to love him, proactive. And I’m excited about it.
Rich Cohen, journalist and author of “Tough Jews,” wrote “How My Son Got His Name” a piece about choosing a name for the hours-old child he has with his wife, New York Assistant District Attorney Jessica Medoff.
Salon: Rich’s story was more about the birth of your son than about committing to marriage. So can you fill us in on your story?
Jessica Medoff: We met in 1997 through a mutual friend and were married in 2000. I was 27; he’s two years older. I had had a very serious boyfriend for many years and we had broken up, so I was at a fun point in my life where I was free and excited about that. I wasn’t necessarily looking for a boyfriend.
Was it hard for you to give up your single freedom?
Soon after we met my father got sick and ended up being sick for about a year. We were at a point in our relationship when the discussion of marriage comes up. I wasn’t reluctant about getting married, but with my father getting sick and because of other family stuff, I didn’t want everything to happen so close in time. I just wanted to make sure everything was OK in my personal life. I didn’t want things to get confused. I wasn’t reluctant or commitment phobic.
Do you think it’s harder for guys to settle down than for women?
Rich had dated a lot and I don’t think he planned on getting married at 31 or 32. He was very excited about it and about our relationship. But getting married wasn’t his plan. I think he envisioned himself getting married at an older age.
How has marriage and a baby changed your relationship??
It’s gotten better and better. And I’m pregnant again, six months. With Aaron it’s been amazing and there haven’t been those rough patches people talk about. The birth has made the marriage even stronger. It hasn’t changed our lives in any way; it’s just enhanced it and maybe we’re happier.
What’s surprised you about the nature of commitment?
We were in a long-term relationship before marriage and we lived together, so I just assumed marriage would be the same. But there was significance to taking those vows and saying those words and going through the birth of our son that wasn’t present in our lives together before we were married. Our relationship has gotten stronger and that’s a surprise because our relationship was so good beforehand. I’m not saying it’s not hard work, but it’s made our lives better.
Sorry there’s no juicy part.
What do you think you’ve done right?
I think people have expectations about marriage and that’s where people run into trouble. I’ve heard friends say things like, “Oh, I want to marry this person because I want to grow old with them.” And I want to ask: Who wants to grow old? Are you happy now? Are you enjoying yourself today? This week?
A young woman sleeps in her bed, in the embrace of someone who has a leg draped over her thigh and an arm comfortingly around her middle. When the alarm clock buzzes, jolting this spooning pair to consciousness, we realize that they’re not a romantic couple; they are best friends and roommates, Hannah and Marnie.
It’s an early, lovely moment in “Girls,” the new HBO series created, directed, written, produced and, really, detonated onto the pop landscape by 25-year-old Lena Dunham. Dunham stars as Hannah, who is joined in bed by Marnie because Marnie is avoiding having to be touched by her over-kind swain, and because both girls like to stay up late watching reruns of “The Mary Tyler Moore Show.”
These details, along with the image of two friends snoozing happily entwined, make the moment emblematic of a dynamic central to “Girls’” appeal and its importance. Despite Dunham’s protestations about not wanting to be some symbolic emissary from the land of young ladies (Sorry, kid, you’re it!), this is what she’s telling us about Women Right Now: that the lives of contemporary Mary Richardses and Rhoda Morgensterns are not based on pursuit or enjoyment of hetero congress; rather, they are often most firmly and warmly wrapped around each other.
You have likely already read something about the sex on “Girls,” which in early episodes, at least, all takes place between straight, sort-of-realistically-bodied young people. What you’ve read is true: the show’s abundant sex – as experienced by its four female leads – is either boring and unsatisfying, porn-fantasy-driven and unsatisfying, nonexistent and unsatisfying, or performed as conquest (Jessa says after bagging an ex, “That was me showing that I cannot be smoted. I am unsmoteable”) and yet … unsatisfying. Sex for these young women is an awkward element in their lives, and whether you think that this characterization is hilariously awful, worryingly awful, or whether it prompts you to reflect, once again, on how everyone else but you is a prude, there is no question that “Girls” features some awful, awful sex.
But part of the point of “Girls” is that the sex, and the guys with whom the sex happens, are not the point. Instead, as titularly advertised, “Girls” is about girls, and the fact that they do make connections – emotional, intimate, irritating, satisfying, pleasurable, lasting. Just not, so far anyway, with men. The show, among many other things, is crucial and corrective testament to the ways in which women’s friendships with each other have flourished and changed during the same period in which their liberties and status have increased.
Minutes into the first episode, Hannah sits naked in a bathtub eating a cupcake, laughing pityingly with a betoweled Marnie about Marnie’s emasculated boyfriend. When the boyfriend accidentally comes into the room, it’s clear he has no place in this room of unclothed communion. A similarly awkward entrance occurs later, during one of several scenes in which one of the four lead characters sits on the toilet, making serious confessions (of pregnancy, for instance) to a girlfriend while peeing. The bodily closeness depicted on “Girls” makes flesh the role these women play in each other’s lives: They are the non-sexual lovers of each other.
It’s the girlfriends who provide the physical affirmations usually associated with boyfriends. “You are beautiful, shut up,” Marnie tells self-deprecating Hannah. “Your skin is, like, hauntingly beautiful,” Long Island girl Shoshanna says to her worldly cousin Jessa. “When I look at both of you, a Coldplay song plays in my heart,” Hannah tells Marnie and Jessa, kidding but serious. In one scene, having been meanly rejected by a boy because of her virginity, Shoshanna desperately asks her friends if they would have sex with a virgin, meaning her. “Oh Shosh,” Jessa says kindly, “if I had a cock, it’s all I’d do.” You get the feeling that she means it; if they could provide that kind of fulfillment for each other, they would.
This same-sex affinity feels extremely contemporary, part of what has prompted critics to write about the show as revolutionary. But noting female friendship as a (or the) primary source of emotional sustenance only feels strange in the context of relatively recent history; in fact it’s a dynamic that is very old.
For the many centuries during which marriage was regarded as an economic and a socially ratifying necessity, rather than as an institution from which women could reasonably hope to derive emotional or sexual pleasure, intense social and physical bonds between women were an accepted part of life. From Celia and Rosalind in “As You Like It” to Hermia and Helena in “A Midsummer Night’s Dream,” whom we’re told were as close as “two lovely berries, moulded on one stem,” Shakespeare regularly used the assumed closeness (and sometimes the bed-fellowship) of women as a plot device. Much of what we learn of the fate of Samuel Richardson’s Clarissa Harlowe is from letters to her best friend, Anna Howe. Then there’s Lucy Montgomery’s Anne Shirley, who meets her “bosom friend” and “kindred spirit” in Diana Barry.
The term “Boston marriage” was used during the late 19thcentury to describe unmarried women who lived together in long-term partnerships. In “Bachelor Girl,” a history of single female life in the United States, Betsy Israel writes that around the same period, near-romantic female bonds were encouraged by parents. Two girls, meeting perhaps in school, would be “‘smashed’ – think of best friends going steady – and once smashed, they’d learn trust, loyalty, tolerance, patience.” Of course, all that social growth was supposed to be in service of marriage. “Once they’d mastered these skills,” Israel writes, “they would be able … to transfer them onto a marital relationship. Even if those who wed never felt quite the same about their husbands.” For a long time, there was no questioning the sexuality of women who held hands, slept side-by-side, confided in each other or wrote long love letters to one another.
It wasn’t until the early 20th century, as marriage came to be treated as a union based on love and sex, that same-sex friendships began to be seen as competitive to the closeness a woman was supposed to feel to her husband, and thus as sexually suspect. Marriage historian Stephanie Coontz has described how, by the end of the 1920s, American psychoanalyists “were warning that one of the most common ‘perversions of the libido’ was the tendency of teenage girls to fix their ‘affections on members of the same sex.’ Such perversions, they claimed, were a serious threat to normal development and to marriage.” The fix, Coontz writes, was to discourage social unions between women and encourage more early sexual experimentation between the sexes. Networks based on female camaraderie, trust and dependence began to break down.
These mid-20th-century decades are the ones on which most of us have drawn, until recently, our understanding of how a woman’s life is supposed to proceed. They were years in which women made stupendous social, economic and professional strides, yet during which they were still told to pursue, and mark their graduation to adulthood with a “traditional” marriage, in which a man is lover, confidant, provider, partner and companion. These were also years in which messages about women’s behavior toward women were nasty; girls were hair-pullers, back-stabbers and bitches, always after each other’s jobs, wardrobes and men.
Now, it seems, we are coming out on the other side of the looking glass. The median age of first marriage for women has been rising steadily since the late 1980s. Marriage – while still widely fetishized as some kind of goal – is no longer the only acceptable marker of maturity. The idea of young adult women living, working, earning, spending and having sex on their own, outside of marriage, is, in many parts of this nation, not aberrant, but an expected phase of life, a norm.
These are Dunham’s “Girls,” and while the privileged Oberlin grads depicted on the show are members of the demographic statistically most likely to eventually marry – and to enjoy successful companionate marriages – their walks down aisles might well not take place for a decade or more. During that period, the people with whom they are likely to form their most intense emotional partnerships are, like the smashes of old, other young women. Except now, the smashes are happening not in anticipation of unfulfilling marital futures, but in advance of potentially happy marriages; they’re not a reflection of the powerless quandary of women compelled to marry practical strangers for money and social acceptance, but rather of a generation of women who, even if they don’t yet have real power, experience historically unprecedented autonomy and freedom.
Yes, we’ve seen friends on television before. From Mary and Rhoda to Laverne and Shirley to, yes, the show that must not be named but to which “Girls” is always compared. But Carrie and her brightly colored cadre made history in almost cartoonish fashion, in which material consumption was supposed to be symbolic of social liberty (until it just became material consumption), in which friendship was a public performance enacted in expansive shiny clubs over jewel-colored cocktails. Those flamboyantly drawn expressions have given way to Hannah and Marnie, who breakfast in their grim apartment kitchen, Marnie listening with irritation as Hannah slurps her cereal milk and talks with her mouth full, like regular best friends, not fabulously implausible best friends.
Their life is not one of aspirational adornment, but of the quotidian realities of (even privileged) young adult life, in which the people you trust and argue with and talk to at the end of the day about your job, whom you share beers and breakfasts with, are your girlfriends.
It’s hard to talk about the role of female friendships without making them sound like placeholders for marriage. But it sells female friendship very short to regard it as some kind of training ground for later, committed heterosexual (or homosexual) partnership. These relationships take place not in some liminal state, as women are waiting for “real” life to begin; marital partnership no longer defines “real” life. Young women, older women, unmarried women – they are simply living their actual lives, not dress rehearsals for them, and the bonds they form with each other are as real, as varied, as complex and often as long-lasting as the ones they may or may not form with romantic and sexual partners, and as fraught and as true as the love they may or may not feel for their kids.
These women are, make no mistake, partners, spouses, family to each other. They get mad at each other for being late for dinner, for sleeping with the wrong people. They are jealous, possessive, dismissive of and bored by each other, sometimes in the emotionally manipulative style associated with lovers. Fighting over that too-adoring boyfriend, Marnie tells Hannah that she can’t understand because “you’ve never been loved this much.” She pauses. “Except by me. I love you that much.” While Jessa at one point turns to Hannah and issues a line that could have been taken from either romantic comedy or drama: “I am not a character for one of your novels. Stop staring at my face so hard.”
The bad stuff – the fighting – is as much a part of adult connection as the good stuff, and the good stuff – the love – is there in abundance in “Girls.”
At the end of an early episode, Hannah, recovering from a series of life’s traumas, dances by herself in her bedroom to Robyn’s “Dancing on My Own.” Marnie arrives home; they laugh at the day’s indignities, and then, before you know it, they’re dancing – happily, freely, satisfyingly – together.
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The startling intensity that we saw this week in response to Susan G. Komen for the Cure’s decision to pull its grants from Planned Parenthood — an intensity that prompted the Komen foundation to reverse its decision today — may be the best thing that’s happened to the conversation about reproductive rights in this country for decades. It certainly should be.
Practically since Roe v. Wade was decided in 1973, reproductive rights activists have been left to play stilted defense against ideological opponents who grabbed the language of morality, life, love and family as their own, always deploying it with reference to the fetus. The rhetoric around reproductive rights, which has more recently begun to creep into arguments over contraception, has become suffocating in its emotional self-righteousness, but too muscular, too ubiquitous to effectively combat.
But the overreach by the Komen foundation, while surely intended to strike yet another blow on the side of antiabortion activism, succeeded instead in waking a powerful constituency — armed with precisely the language and emotional heft they’ve been lacking for too long.
That this week’s blow against Planned Parenthood came not directly from John Boehner’s House of Representatives – which, ever since taking power a year ago promising to focus on jobs, has manfully focused on the single task of attacking women’s reproductive rights – but instead from a popular, officially nonpartisan organization dedicated wholly to women’s healthcare somehow brought this argument into the open.
The response to Komen was surely so tinderbox explosive because it had been building with every politically theatrical investigation launched by Cliff Stearns and every grisly abortion scene enacted on the House floor by U.S. Rep. Chris Smith. But it was not just Washington wonkery, and was not ginned up or amplified by professional political cranks. It was the reflexive kick of a shin hit just below the knee, and the visceral anger spilled everywhere, from a Planned Parenthood Saved Me tumblr and onto Facebook, where people posted images of Komen’s pink ribbon cut in half. It poured from bank accounts, including that of New York Mayor and former Republican Michael Bloomberg.
It came from often dispassionate media figures like Andrea Mitchell, was tweeted by novelists like Judy Blume, Terry McMillan and William Gibson, actors Ellen Barkin and Martha Plimpton, politicos like Donna Brazile, Reps. Gwen Moore and Jackie Speiers, former Speaker Nancy Pelosi and from 22 senators including Frank Lautenberg, Al Franken and Kirsten Gillibrand, who signed a letter urging Komen to reverse its decision. It came from callers to radio programs, announcing their intentions to drop out of Komen races, and from the American Association of University Women, which canceled a scheduled service event with Komen. In the three days after Komen’s announcement of its Planned Parenthood break, Planned Parenthood received more than $3 million in donations, said PPFA president Cecile Richards in a press call on Friday.
More than that, though: The starkly observable attack against something as crucial and basic as breast exams for poor women, as well as the fact that so many divergent voices were pulled into it, meant that the conversation was not about partisan politics; it was about women. For the first time in what feels like forever, passion and fury were being loudly, proudly given in a full-throated voice, on behalf of women – women as moral actors; women as citizens with rights, health, bodies, freedoms; women as people with families and economic concerns.
Taken together, these factors mark this as a watershed moment in the contemporary conversation about reproductive rights. This is a story in which we see the possibility of a turned tide, a new way to gauge how the public actually feels about women’s rights and health, and a new way to talk about it, as well. Because what we saw this week was big. It was mass. It was emotional. This was so different from the various polls activists on both sides of the abortion question are always throwing around, polls that depend so much on how a question is asked; polls that offer far less clarity than head-banging confusion about where America stands on the issue of reproductive heath. This was not a poll. This was America announcing that it cared about women’s health, and more specifically, that it cared about Planned Parenthood.
In many ways, the activism that forced Komen to backtrack was ignited by Boehner’s House Republicans a year ago, when they voted to cut off all funding to Planned Parenthood because it provides abortion services. This despite the fact that since 1976’s Hyde Amendment, no federal money has been able to be used to provide abortion services. The organization Republicans want to squash provides more than 800,000 women a year with breast exams, more than 4 million Americans with testing and treatment for sexually transmitted diseases, and 2.5 million people with contraception, which prevents unintended pregnancy and thus abortion. But playing to what they must imagine is overriding public sentiment, Republicans have worked tirelessly to lodge the image of Planned Parenthood as an abortion factory deep in the American imagination.
A year ago, some of the anger at this strategy began to bubble over. In response to Smith’s description of a second trimester abortion, read on the House floor, Democratic U.S. Rep. Jackie Speier went to the House well and described her own painful second trimester abortion. “For you to stand on this floor and suggest that somehow this is a procedure that is either welcomed or done cavalierly or done without any thought, is preposterous,” Speier said, directing her comments at Smith. “Planned Parenthood has a right to operate. Planned Parenthood has a right to provide services for family planning. Planned Parenthood has a right to offer abortions. The last time I checked, abortions were legal in this country … I would suggest to you that it would serve us all very well if we moved on with this process and started focusing on creating jobs for the Americans who desperately want them.”
It was around this time that a viral “Thank You Planned Parenthood” meme cropped up online. With participants noting the instances in which they had relied on PPFA for birth control, breast exams, gynelogical care, and yes, abortions. Twitter, Facebook and blogs began to be dotted with “I stand with Planned Parenthood” emblems. Comedian Lizz Winstead kicked off a tour called “Planned Parenthood, I am here for you.”
But this recent wave of defense of Planned Parenthood has remained broad, ambient. The politics of the congressional witch hunt have been so labyrinthine, so convoluted, that it has been difficult to know how to effectively harness an angry response. When, last fall, Rep. Cliff Stearns launched an investigation into PPFA’s bookkeeping, the move was so needless, such a trumped-up piece of political stagecraft (since PPFA does receive federal funds, it must scrupulously account for every dime it spends, no special investigation required) that it was hard to even know how to make sense of it, let alone respond. This week, a caller to WNYC’s “Brian Lehrer Show” professed her belief that the Stearns investigation centered on whether Planned Parenthood was performing late-term abortions.
The demonization of Planned Parenthood should have awakened the country to the radicalism of the right, and how far it has pushed the political conversation. It’s been hard to measure the degree of the radicalism, so slowly and unceasingly has it crept across our consciousness and the political discourse. But it’s important to remember how mainstream Planned Parenthood used to be. It was the respectable, even Republican, advocate for women’s health, including reproductive services; the leaders of the National Abortion Rights Action League were the activist agitators. Sen. Prescott Bush, the father of President George H.W. Bush, served as treasurer of Planned Parenthood’s first national fundraising campaign. Richard Nixon signed the family planning legislation in 1970 that authorized its federal funding.
As a congressman, George Bush and his wife, Barbara, were reliable friends of the organization. Barry Goldwater’s wife, Betty, was a founding member of Arizona Planned Parenthood; President Gerald Ford’s wife, Betty, was a high-profile supporter of the group. More recently, Ann Romney, wife of the 2012 GOP presidential front-runner, donated $150 to Planned Parenthood in 1994. And when a Romney relative died of a botched abortion in 1963, the family asked that memorial donations go to Planned Parenthood.
But what happened this week was a clarifying moment. Right-wing extremism, coming this time not from the partisan mill but from a mainstream women’s organization, was put in a direct and unflattering spotlight. Suddenly, so much was clear, and finally, the response was unified and thunderous. Right-wing overreach — and the backlash it inspired — feels a lot like the way other radical GOP power grabs in the last year have galvanized the public to fight back. Attacks on collective bargaining, public workers and unions by Republican governors in Wisconsin, Ohio and Indiana have produced mass mobilization in those states, the likes of which we haven’t seen in decades. Public workers – cops, firefighters, nurses, teachers, paramedics, sanitation workers – once were the proud backbone of the middle class. Now they find themselves derided by the GOP as the new welfare queens who are taking more than their fair share. Ohio voters repealed a law that abolished collective bargaining in November, and pro-union organizers in Wisconsin have forced a recall election for Gov. Scott Walker.
Efforts to restrict voting rights are likewise waking up the citizenry; Maine repealed a law that banned same-day voting and registration in November, and Ohio blocked a voter photo ID bill. Even on the issue of reproductive rights, a draconian “personhood” amendment to the state constitution failed to pass in Mississippi, one of the reddest of the red states. Overreach by the right has re-inspired movements – unions, voting rights, women’s rights — that have too long been dormant and too easily dismissed by their ideological opponents as outside the mainstream of American values, when in fact, they used to represent the most American of values.
For defenders of Planned Parenthood, and more broadly for reproductive rights activists, this moment of repositioning is a valuable one. Until now, it has proven very difficult for advocates to resuscitate their side with language anywhere near as powerful as that used by antiabortion forces. Instead they have relied too heavily on the fungible, limp, endlessly open-ended language of “choice.” (Even among “pro-choice” advocates, the “I choose my choice!” joke from “Sex and the City” has become a ubiquitous critique.)
But what happened this week was powerful. It was mass. It was direct. It was emotional. And it restores women as the moral center of this conversation — which is where they belong.
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When will Barack Obama learn how to talk thoughtfully about women, women’s health and women’s rights?
Apparently, not today.
On Wednesday, Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius unexpectedly overruled the Food and Drug Administration’s recommendation that emergency contraception be sold on drugstore shelves and made available without a prescription to women under the age of 17. The move came as a surprise blow to healthcare and women’s rights activists, the kinds of people regularly counted as supporters of the Obama administration.
Today, Obama doubled down on his disregard for the concerns of these groups, claiming that while Sebelius made her decision without his counsel, he agreed with it. Obama pooh-poohed the findings of the FDA, which had concluded that Plan B pills posed no medical hazard and supported Sebelius’ official argument, citing a lack of confidence that “a 10-year-old or 11-year-old going to a drugstore would be able to, alongside bubble gum or batteries, be able to buy a medication that potentially if not used properly can have an adverse effect.” The logic expressed today by the president, and yesterday by Sebelius, is ludicrous: Medicines like Tylenol – which have been proven to have adverse effects in high doses – are available by the truckload on drugstore shelves, at prices far cheaper than the $30 to $50 it would cost a preteen to purchase just one dose of Plan B, let alone go wild with it.
But part of what was most disturbing about Obama’s statement was his reliance on language that reveals his paternalistic approach to women and their health.
“As the father of two daughters,” Obama told reporters, “I think it is important for us to make sure that we apply some common sense to various rules when it comes to over-the-counter medicine.”
First of all, the president was not talking about “various rules.” He was supporting a very specific rule, one that prevents young women from easily obtaining a drug that can help them control their reproductive lives, at an age when their economic, educational, familial and professional futures are perhaps most at risk of being derailed by an unplanned pregnancy. “As the father of two daughters,” Obama might want to reconsider his position on preventing young women from being able to exercise this form of responsibility over their own bodies and lives.
But as an American, I think it is important for my president not to turn to paternalistic claptrap and enfeebling references to the imagined ineptitude and irresponsibility of his daughters – and young women around the country – to justify a curtailment of access to medically safe contraceptives. The notion that in aggressively conscribing women’s abilities to protect themselves against unplanned pregnancy Obama is just laying down some Olde Fashioned Dad Sense diminishes an issue of gender equality, sexual health and medical access. Recasting this debate as an episode of “Father Knows Best” reaffirms hoary attitudes about young women and sex that had their repressive heyday in the era whence that program sprang.
A question of who should be allowed access to a safe form of contraception is at its root a question of how badly we want to, or believe that we can, police young women’s sexuality. When Obama is talking about his daughters, we know he’s not really basing his opinion on an anxiety that they might suffer the adverse effects of drinking a whole jug of Pepto-Bismol or swallowing 50 Advil, things that any 11-year-old who walks into a CVS with a wad of cash could theoretically do. When he says that he wants to “apply common sense” to questions of young women’s access to emergency contraception, he is telegraphing his discomfort with the idea of young women’s sexual agency, or more simply, with the idea of them having sex lives at all. This discomfort might be comprehensible from an emotional, parental point of view. But these are not familial discussions; this is a public-health policy debate, and at a time when “16 and Pregnant” airs on MTV, the fact that a daddy feels funny about his little girls becoming grown-ups has no place in a discussion of healthcare options for America’s young women. It is also nearly impossible to imagine a similar use of language or logic to justify a ban of condom sales.
Moreover, Obama’s invocation of his role as a father is an insult to the commitments and priorities of those on the other side of this issue. Are we to believe that those who support the increased availability of emergency contraception do not have daughters? That if they do, they care less about those daughters than Barack Obama does about his? And that if they do not, they cannot possibly know better than a father of daughters what is best for young women? Why should we be asked to believe that Obama’s paternity imbues him with more moral authority on the subject of women’s health and reproductive lives than the investments of doctors, researchers and advocates who – regardless of their parental status – have dedicated their lives to working on behalf of increased reproductive health options. This line of argument is no better than the Mama Grizzly argument developed by Sarah Palin during 2010′s midterm elections, in which she asserted that her band of super-conservative mothers were qualified for office because “moms just know when there’s something wrong.”
Barack Obama has long had a tin ear for language that has anything to do with women and even more specifically with women’s rights. While on the campaign trail for president in 2008, he waved off a female reporter who asked a question about the future of the auto industry, referring to her diminutively as “sweetie.” The same year, attempting to play both sides on the issue of reproductive freedom, he gave an interview with a religious magazine in which he asserted his support for states’ restrictions on late-term abortions as long as there was an exception for the health of the mother, but added that he didn’t “think that ‘mental distress’ qualifies as the health of the mother.” Attempting to recover from that line and reassert his pro-choice bona fides, Obama later clarified that of course he believed in a medical exemption for “serious clinical mental health diseases,” just not when seeking a late-term abortion is “a matter of feeling blue,” perpetuating a wildly irresponsible vision of the rare and difficult late-term abortion as a moody impulse-buy.
Today also isn’t the first time he’s used references to members of his family to make a larger offensive point about women. Back in 2009, when charges that his officially female-friendly administration included some boys’ club tendencies hit the front of the New York Times, Obama dismissed the claims as “bunk.” Reporter Mark Leibovich noted at the time that the president “often points out that he is surrounded by strong females at home,” an argument that not only mimics an old saw about how being henpecked by women is equivalent to respecting them, but reflects a dynamic as old as patriarchal power itself and sidesteps the question of how strong females are treated at work. In 2010, while appearing on “The View,” Obama made a creaky Take-My-Wife-Please joke about how he wanted to appear on “a show that Michelle actually watched” as opposed to the news shows she usually flips past. The joke being that his missus, the one he met when she mentored him at a high-powered law firm, just doesn’t have a head for news delivered by anyone other than Elisabeth Hasselbeck.
It should no longer come as a surprise that the president of the United States is, on perhaps an unconscious level, an old-school patriarch. What’s startling is the degree to which Obama seems not to have learned from any of his past gaffes, how no one seems to have told him – or told him in a way that he’s absorbed – that the best way to address a question of women’s health and rights is probably not by making it about his role as a father.
This might be an especially valuable chat to have with the president as he moves into 2012 and toward an election in which he is going to be relying on the support of people he has just managed to anger, offend and speak down to — women. The least he could do is learn to address them with respect.
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Last week, the summer’s surprise blockbuster, “Bridesmaids,” was released on DVD, after a spectacular run both in the United States and abroad. The fortunes of the film, which starred a brace of funny women and dealt equally in fart jokes and friendship, were regarded as crucial to the future of women in entertainment.
Hollywood, perpetually on the verge of never making another movie for anyone but teenage boys, was in need of a slap in the face, reminding it that women buy tickets, fill theaters, tell friends they loved it — and know men who are occasionally eager to see the opposite sex portrayed compellingly on celluloid. “Bridesmaids” delivered a wallop, bringing in more than $280 million worldwide, and drawing an audience reported to be a third male, and largely over 30.
But has it actually whetted the film business’s appetite for more female-driven projects? Salon called Lynda Obst, producer of movies like “Sleepless in Seattle,” “Contact” and “How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days,” the television show “Hot in Cleveland,” the author of “Hello, He Lied” and all-around movie sage, to see what, if anything, has changed in her town this summer.
Did the success of “Bridesmaids” make a difference to your business?
Yes. It had the biggest impact of any women’s movie that I can remember in my career.
In your whole career, which began with “Flashdance” in 1983?
Yeah. It came at a moment when any movies for women, women’s comedies — forget dramas, there are no dramas for anybody — but women’s comedies, women’s thrillers were going to get put by the wayside forever. Women’s projects were dying everywhere. That’s why the opening of “Bridesmaids” was so critical for every woman in features, why its success was attended with such profound interest by every woman writer, producer and director in town.
The second important factor was that there were no stars in the movie and it wasn’t tracking in advance.
And that matters because it means that it was the material, not a movie star, that drew people to theaters?
Yes. Its success wasn’t automatic. A star opens a movie. Sandra Bullock opens a movie. But there was nobody in this movie who had ever been in a movie before, so it’s the hardest kind of movie to open.
It means that its success was due to the fact that people enjoyed it, and gave it good word of mouth once the movie started screening. Which leads us to the gigantic thing, which was the revelation that women can open a movie, and also, that this [women's movie] crossed over. Men came. It drew women of all ages and it drew guys and was a major hit. And not just domestically, which is part two of this gigantic thing, because the movie business right now is being driven by international box office.
Comedy doesn’t usually travel well. Movies that travel are movies with very little dialogue, usually dependent on action or family content or big international stars. But “Bridesmaids” did very well internationally. The concept was easy to understand in all languages. It gave us a clue as to what movies will work internationally with women in them. So what we learned is: Broad comedies will sell abroad, even with broads.
What are the immediate effects of this?
There are suddenly projects for women! I’m pitching one right now that is a female-based comedy and people are really responsive to it. And then my directing debut, which was dead in the water at New Line, went from having no momentum to having momentum, the weekend right after “Bridesmaids” opened. “Bridesmaids” meant that the idea of being able to make a movie about women was resuscitated.
Well, for now. What if the next female comedy flops?
If the next one flops, who knows? Two action movies flop and it means nothing; one women’s movie flops and it’s the end. But “Bridesmaids” was followed immediately by the success of “The Help,” which was terrific because that was driven by women too.
So what we’re finding in the American market is that younger male eyeballs are disappearing in large numbers, going to video games, going to the Internet. But women are going to the movies, if you make movies for them.
Now, does this mean we will stop making movies for the younger male quadrant? No, because the young male quadrant likes the same movies as international audiences — action movies, man movies.
Man movies?
“Ironman,” “Spider-Man,” “Batman.” Man movies.
Are studios pursuing women’s projects or are people just feeling like they can pitch them again?
I think the latter. But I think studios were suddenly receptive to them.
This is not the first time in recent memory that a woman’s movie has done well and studios have failed to notice in any permanent way. “The Devil Wears Prada,” your movie “How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days,” “Sex and the City” have all been big women-driven hits, and yet women’s movies were on the brink of extinction.
Studios have institutionally short memories when it comes to women’s movies. “Sex and the City II” did better internationally than it did domestically, which would have made you think that they would have noticed it. I mean, that’s what inclines Fox to make “Ice Ages”; sequels do so well internationally. But studios don’t seem to generalize by the same rules in women’s movies as they do for other movies.
Every time a woman’s movie does well, it’s a brand-new fact. Every time we rediscover the female audience, it’s astonishing.
So it’s possible that despite “Bridesmaids’” success, four years from now you and I will be having the same conversation about the death of women’s comedy?
Yes.
That’s depressing. But back to the success of “Bridesmaids.” There was a certain amount of social awareness around going to the movie. Because of the press it got, women seemed to be aware that going to see the movie was not just about enjoying it, but about sending a message to Hollywood. Do you think that had an impact on its box office?
Well, I know there was tremendous awareness in Los Angeles that we had to open this movie. I believe it happened in New York too, but I don’t know that that happened nationally.
What happened nationally was that there was a hunger for something for women to relate to, because there’s usually nothing out there for them. It’s what happens with an urban audience with Tyler Perry.
I had a sense from friends in other cities that they were going with their girlfriends and that they knew it was made for them. It’s so rare that there’s a movie made for them. It generated such excitement.
You would think that that excitement alone would send a message that there is an eager audience out there for material about women.
Well, I think you can see a lot of that reaction on television. It is the year of women on television. Television is much more female-friendly than Hollywood. There are a tremendous number of female executives, and when they see something like “Bridesmaids,” it’s much easier to react fast to it, and there’s less institutional resistance. They love the zeitgeist.
But timing-wise, this season of television was already a done deal before “Bridesmaids” opened, so it can’t have been a reaction, can it?
Well, the [final] decisions about this current fall season were made at the upfronts, which roughly coincided [Editor's note: actually, directly coincided in mid-May] with the opening of “Bridesmaids,” so there actually could have been a connection.
But also, I have just been through the next season of creative development and let me tell you it’s just as female-friendly as the one that’s on air now. There are shows about women and girlfriends and not just couples. There is television about women, for women. Real women.
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