Anne Lamott

Diamond heart

In an exclusive excerpt from her new book, "Plan B," Anne Lamott writes about the difficulty and beauty of mothering a teenager.

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Diamond heart

If I could only write one more story in my whole life, it would be this one:

Sam’s wrestling practice got canceled one recent afternoon, and he was driving me crazy with his pent-up energy. I was puttering and picking up the house, which is my main spiritual practice, and he kept ambushing me with demands for food, or attention, and demonstrations of wrestling menace — grabbing at me as if to put me in a hammer hold, or coming at me as if to pile-drive me into the kitchen floor like Hulk Hogan: “I’m not going to hurt you,” he kept reassuring me, like a serial killer, flinging his leg around the backs of my knees so that I was afraid they would buckle. I’m 50, but already I’m turning into an old dog, with poor vision, dysplasia, achy knees, a weak back and flatulence, while he’s raw, robust animal health. Something in him wants to flip me, pile-drive me into the ground, Samoan-drop me into the carpet. I put up puny Rose Kennedy dukes, and asked him if he wanted to go for a hike on the mountain. He said yes.

He’s 2 inches taller than me now. The other day he gave me a goodnight hug, and noticed that he was looking down into my eyes.

“Wow,” he said, stepping back to look down at me. “When did this happen? You’re like a little gnome to me now.”

I am shrinking and he is shooting up, but we both feel no different than children, and we both get a lot of exercise. I am positive of only a few things in life, but one is that if you want to have a decent middle and old age, you have to get exercise almost every day. All the older people who are thriving have stayed physically active — there are exceptions, and everyone knows someone who smoked two packs a day and had a few social beers with breakfast every morning, who lived to be 85, but you have to assume this won’t be you. You have to assume that without exercise, you’ll be the dead one, or if you’re lucky, the one in diapers, with a cannula up your nose.

We headed out for a hike to Deer Park, which is the northern face of Mt. Tamalpais, in Marin County, Calif., about half a mile from our house. I hiked on the southern side of the mountain with my father my whole life until he died. As young children, my brothers and I straggled along just behind him, but when I got older, he and I would stride up steep hills together, sometimes in silence, other times talking about books, politics, culture, family. I’d mention books or poems that I knew would please him — Kazantzakis, Prufrock — and sometimes before a hike, I would read criticisms or introductions so I could keep up in conversation. I lived for his admiration. I didn’t want to instill this pressure to impress me in Sam, and, luckily, “impress” might be a bit strong to describe how Sam acts around me. He loves me, most of the time, and thinks I’m hilarious, but he doesn’t perform in the way I used to: He doesn’t study up for our conversations, he doesn’t chat up my friends, he doesn’t read books so that we can discuss them. In fact, he reads very few books. He reads what he wants, magazines about things I have no opinions of or particular interest in: motherboards for his computer, bike frames. I’d always imagined Sam and me strolling along together, talking like my dad and I used to talk, about intellectual things. We don’t, but if you get what you hope and pray for, you’re shortchanging yourself: I get something better. I get this: “Darling,” I asked at the trailhead, kicking off a bookish discussion, “did you finish ‘Romeo and Juliet’? And did you like it?”

“Yep. I loved it.”

“Tell me what you loved.”

“Great writing. Clever story.” That was it.

I wrote this down as we set out along the fire road that leads to a steep trail, with Lily, our 1-year-old Rottweiler-Shar-Pei mix, racing ahead. “Did you ever notice how much Lily looks like Benicio Del Toro?” Sam asked. I wrote this down, too. It is true.

He and Lily dropped behind me, and I walked along lost in my thoughts and the beauty of the woods. After a while, I reached the meandering high trail that weaves through bay and laurel groves. You get all the climates here on the mountain; first the English dappled shade, where it’s cool and smells like spring and mulch, and then a few minutes later you come out from under the trees and you’re in Sicily, in bright blue heat.

Hearing commotion, I turned to find Sam. He was smashing and bashing the ground with a branch, whacking at the low-hanging branches as if they were piñatas. Rather than a short talk on honoring the ecosystem that he and his fellow students have studied extensively, I continued along. I rest in silence and music and long strides, while he rests in noise and motion.

After a moment, he stopped, and the silence was broken only by birdsong, our footsteps, and invisible animals moving around in the fallen leaves and twigs. Then Sam started whistling. His grandfather taught him to whistle when he was 4 — his adopted grandfather Rex, my father’s best friend of 30 years. My father died 10 years before Sam was born, and I was still struggling with an achy emptiness, a feeling that my life had been diminished by half at his death. How would my books and Sam even matter if my father wasn’t around to be proud? Now he’s been dead for 25 years, as long as I knew him alive, and sometimes when I’ve done something fabulous, I feel like a gymnast who has performed a flawless routine in an empty auditorium.

Sam looks a lot like my father did as a boy. Sam also looks like his own father, whom we found when Sam was 7, three years after Rex taught Sam to whistle. The first time Sam and I took a walk with Sam’s father, John led the way through the woods behind his own father’s house, where he grew up, 10 miles in one direction from my childhood home, 10 miles in the other from the house where I live now. Sam walked shyly 10 or 15 feet behind his dad, and I took up the rear, feeling terror and grief that I was finally having to share Sam. But it cheered me to hear Sam whistling away. It wasn’t that he didn’t feel shy and nervous; it was just that Rex had taught him how to whistle.

Rex was one of the three men who helped raise him during his first five years, the others being my brother Steve, who taught Sam how to wrestle and goof off, and his unofficial big brother Brian, who was bathing and diapering him at 2 weeks old, and taking him on adventures ever since — canoeing, train rides, farmer’s markets. Rex’s specialties were camping and workshop. They spent hours together in Rex’s workstation when Sam was young, hammering, nailing, talking, silent. He discovered that Sam connects with his own spirit most when he is working with his hands. He would study a nail, or a washer, as if he was holding a butterfly in his hand.

Sam dropped back from me on the trail, then caught up, an edgy psycho-scamper. He stabbed the air with his sword; so joyous, so masculine. He’s always picked up anything that can be used to smash other things with, or to make bombs with, or to destroy piles of leaves or sand or stones. He’s a closed current of energy, like those flashlights you squeeze to make the wires connect inside, and they pour forth their light. He catches up to me for a few minutes and we walk along in silence. He’s so transparent at these times, like a baby, without any of the barriers or labyrinths we set up later because we get so afraid.

People told me how utterly transparent with beauty babies can be, but I don’t think anyone mentioned what beasts they are. So it was dicey going for a while. I have a photo on my wall of a baby in Sudan, breast-feeding, and she looks like chocolate, wrapped in a blue and lavender napkin, pressed into what little we can see of her mother’s brown-black breast. This is a very universal baby, a safe baby. I had thought Sam would be more like this one, more of the time. I saw the same flatness in Sam’s nose when he nursed, like the Sudanese baby trying to get as close as possible to what nourished her, and the same deliciousness of baby arms. But the clutch of her fingers should have tipped me off — that grasping and clutching might come with the territory, grasping and clutching at you, and then pushing you away; and the openness of the baby’s ear — these babies are listening, can hear, and will use what they hear against you one day.

Smash, bash, whack. He swung at branches above him like forehand volleys. Sometimes I get so worried that he takes such joy in wrecking things. When he was 2, being awful and destructive on every level of his pitiful loathsome poopy existence, I said to my friend Pammy, calmly, “He’s a bad person. He’s already ruined.”

Pammy said something that I have clung to like the last heel of bread, “Sam has a deep core of sweetness within him.” She was right. He’s deeply compassionate, and fair, but he also loves knives, and air-soft guns, and paintball guns, and Ninja blades, and violence. Maybe it was inconsistent for us to watch “Touched by an Angel” together, right before we watched “South Park.” Maybe it confused him that we go to church on Sundays, and then we watch “The Sopranos.”

He has always said the funniest things, but until he was 5, he couldn’t say “L’s.” He pronounced them “Y.” “Yeaf,” “yunch,” “yove,” the “Yord,” and “Sam Yamott.” One day he came home from school and said slowly that he had llloved his lllunch. His teacher had finally taught him “L’s.” He ran to the house next door to show off for the teenagers he adored. It was such a bittersweet moment: Your kid can’t get a job on CNN if he can’t say his “L’s,” but it meant he was growing up; he would be dating soon, and mouthing off and sneering at me when he’s furious. And that has all come true, though now he’s the teenager all the little kids love.

He still says things that I scribble down on index cards. Just this morning on the way to school, we were talking about politics, and he said, “Mom, you know — you have a very rich vocabulary.” And he can make words all his own. “Random” is the latest favorite. I’ll blurt out something I’ve been meaning to tell him all day, and he’ll look at me askance, and say, “Wow, that’s a little random.” Or, driving along with his close friend the other day, I suddenly said to Nick, “You know, I’ll always be one of the adults who is on your side, if you need me.” Nick said, “Oh, thanks, Annie,” and then there was silence in the car until Sam said, “God, that was random.”

He walked along pushing the tip of his branch into the pebbly ground like a divining rod, splitting the road in two, making a great noise unto the Yord. He exerts a tremendous energy, and it builds up and he sends it forth with his tools, his swords. It’s art, it’s an installation; it’s the American way: “We’re big and strong and male, and this thing is about to get seriously small, and be in shreds, because I am about to heavily fuck with it.” He finds where something has a weak spot, picks up a branch, and jabs it. It’s like a physical yell.

He can say such terrible, mean things to me, and then, later that day, be so kind and sensitive that it brings tears to my eyes. He was always this way, accepting and fair, but capable of casual meanness; but he’s mostly quite accepting of people. When he was 7 and we first started looking for his father, I asked him what he would do if it turned out that his father was strange, or standoffish, and Sam said genuinely, “Oh, I wouldn’t care. I wouldn’t care if he was a crook. I wouldn’t care if he had a gun. I wouldn’t care if he cut down trees and didn’t replant.” You can see that we live in an ecologically correct area.

I pulled over by the side of the road to write this down, pretending I was making a shopping list. I always write down his exact quotes. He is an exact person, like we all are, even though I mostly sense that there is only one of us; that we are mosaic chips of that One. He’s very stylish, oddly enough, as I’m not stylish at all. His hair always looks good. And I was always a great student, whereas he isn’t, in the classic sense, if by “a great student” you mean someone who studies hard, likes to read, and hands in his homework. He’s a great student in the reform sense: He’s fascinated by life, he’s funny and he participates eagerly in discussions. I’ve never yelled at anyone in my whole life, except for him, and he yells at me, too. We fight about homework and his mouthiness and the laundry. I no longer wash his dirty clothes for him, because he will not put them away, so he does his own, and keeps it unfolded in a basket, with an empty basket beside it so he can transfer the clothes rapidly from one to another while finding something to wear, like a fabric Slinky. There’s a third basket, for dirty clothes, which is usually empty, as the clothes are strewn all over his bedroom floor.

He began chucking rocks into the creek and Lily barked at them loyally, as if shaking her fist — “and stay away!” I listened to the splashes of the rocks he was pitching, aiming at other rocks, or at unseen enemies, creation and destruction in the same breath. I heard the knock of one stone hitting another, and fingered the diamond heart he gave me that I wear on a thin gold chain around my neck. He bought it for me last Christmas, at the Mervyn’s Holiday Sale. A few days before Christmas, he thrust the box at me. I turned away from it, because I wanted to wait till Christmas, but he ripped the wrapping paper off, and then opened the box for me. There was a small gold heart studded with diamonds, the exact piece of jewelry I had always wanted. He watched me with enormous pride and pleasure. “One hundred fifty-nine dollars at Mervyn’s, Mom,” he said, proudly, and added, “Retail.”

I asked a friend of mine who practices a spiritual path called Diamond Heart to explain the name recently, because I instinctively know that Sam and I both have, or are, diamond hearts. My friend said our hearts are like diamonds because they have the capacity to express divine light, which is love; we are not only portals for this love, but are actually made of it. She says we are made of light, our hearts faceted and shining, and I absolutely believe this, to a point: Where I disagree is when she says we are beings of light wrapped in bodies that only seem dense and ponderous, but are actually made of atoms and molecules, with infinite space and light in between them. It must be easy for her to believe this, as she is thin, and does not have children. But I can meet her halfway: I think we are diamond hearts, wrapped in meatballs.

I would call my path Diamond Meatball: We would comfort and uplift one another by saying, “There’s a diamond in there somewhere.”

Still, on better days, I see us as light in containers, like those pierced tin lanterns that always rust, that let the candlelight shine out in beautiful snowflake patterns.

Sam raced ahead of me, and then slowed down, looking back to gloat at the distance he’d put behind me. He’s very competitive, like me. Then he waved nicely, and went on. Oh, Sam: I worry that I was either too strict, or not strict enough. I’m not quite sure which. I’ve given him a lot of freedom — he can take public transportation all over the county — but I was also strict about manners, and church. You have to contain children, or you ruin them, and no one will ever want you to come visit again. But they go ballistic when their unfettered spirit feels constricted and picked on by horrible you. They like you less, but if you don’t do it, it wounds them. “You shouldn’t have even had children,” they’ll say with contempt. They’ll comment on your clothes or butt, in public, and your hair, or your grooming. One day while standing in line at the movies, when Sam was 12 or so, I found him staring at me, judgmentally.

“What?” I asked.

He said, “When you got dreadlocks, you made a commitment to keep them groomed. But you’ve let them get all fuzzy.”

It’s such a mixed grill of sweet and nourishing and intolerable, sort of like life. You and your bright bonnie child walk hand in hand to the park, and then while sitting on a bench, you see his delight in hurting another kid. They go right for the vulnerability in other kids, ganging up on the weakest one, ditching or snatching things away. The very thing that makes them spontaneous and immediate also makes them monstrous. Life is not what one had in mind; it’s not the TV sitcoms or the commercials, or the photo of the Sudan baby. It’s punishing. It make you want to punish back.

There are times when Sam is so mouthy that all I can do is pray for a sense of humor and absurdity, even the size of a mustard seed. Otherwise, I look at C’s on progress reports, and see him at 30 taking orders at Taco Bell. If, with his handwriting, he could even get that job. Or he gets sent home from school for participating in a mud fight, and I think, Tim McVeigh. Or I realize, I don’t like this child, I shouldn’t have had kids, and it’s all hopeless. All I can do is pray: HELP!

The three of us walked together under the trees for a while in the shade. I looked over a few times and smiled at him. Left to my own devices, I find myself hurrying along with my head down, shoulders hunched, my hands grasped behind my back like Groucho Marx. But Sam beside me and the songs of unseen birds make me look up and around, make me notice the patches of blue sky between the dense branches. Maybe this is what grace is, the unseen sounds that make you look up. I think it’s why we are here, to see as many tile chips of blue sky as we can bear. To find the diamond hearts within each other’s meatballs. To notice flickers of the divine, like dust motes glimmering on sunbeams in your dusty kitchen. Without all the shade and shadows, you’d miss the beauty of the shadings, the interplay, the veil. Because the shadow is always there, and if you don’t remember it, when it falls on you and your life again, you’re plunged into darkness. Shadows make the light show. Without shadows, we’d only see what a friend of mine refers to as, “all that goddamn light.”

He ran ahead of me again, picking up rocks as he went. Lily chased after him. It’s like he creates a force field around him that nothing can breach, that comes out of the very center of him. Everything is concentrated on that torque. I watched him go. I’ve been watching him go since he learned how to crawl. Sometimes I didn’t watch closely enough, and he got hurt — he burned his hand badly once, and he split his eyebrow open on a coffee table, and he and his friends got drunk a few times last summer. I’m always afraid he’ll end up like I did, stoned and drunk for many years, sick in the mornings. “Don’t worry, Mom,” he says, but that’s what I used to say to my parents. I tell him what Chef in South Park said. “Children? There’s a time and a place for doing drugs, and it’s called college.” He smiles, and like a hawk I watch him go, and I watch him go, watch him go.

Heartbreaking things have befallen some of the children we know, even when their parents kept their eyes open: cystic fibrosis, truancy, homelessness, alcohol and drugs. But mostly they have come through, scarred and still shaking their heads. Sometimes things were so awful for friends that I thought it was all over for them. And rocks came tumbling down on them, on their lives, but with a lot of help, they endured. In some cases, the rocks continue to fall, but even so, when it looked to the outside world like they were doomed, it turned out that something inside was slowly being fused back together. They found an underground, wiggly strength.

He stomped ahead of me to the top of the hill like a mountain goat, and waited for me. When I caught up with him, he stuck his branch out and I thought he was going to pull me up, but he pantomimed a sword fight, and poked me. “God,” I said involuntarily, knowing it was an accident. “Can you cut me a little slack?”

“I’m sorry. My bad,” he always says, like a baby Rastafarian. “My bad.” He reached out and pulled me the last few steps to the top of the mountain. I walked until I came upon the view of a million fleecy trees, the foothills of Mt. Tam. I sat down.

“What if there is another 9/11?” he said.

“What made you think about that?” I asked.

He shrugged. “Is there any situation where you would kill Lily?”

“Of course not, unless she was very ill.”

“What if there was another 9/11,” he asked, “and we didn’t have any food. You wouldn’t kill Lily to feed me?”

“Sam,” I said, laughing, but he was serious.

“OK, honey,” I said, “I’ll kill Lily.”

“If there was nothing left, would you let me kill you and eat you?”

“Sure, honey.”

“I wouldn’t want you to die, necessarily. I might just cut off your arm to survive.”

“Well. Help yourself.”

“What if there is another attack, here?”

“Then we’ll all band together and share what we have.”

“Will we have to share with Uncle Steve and Jamie?” He gave me his trademark look, a long, slow sideways glance. He was suppressing a smile.

“Of course, he’s my brother!”

“Yeah, but Steve and Jamie eat so much. And now with the baby? Too many mouths to feed!” He can always make me laugh. I know where he got his gallows humor. I can see myself so clearly in him, many of my worst traits, some of my goodness. I can also still see many of Sam’s ages in him: New parents always grieve as their babies get bigger, because they cannot imagine the child will ever be so heartbreakingly cute and needy again. But Sam is a swirl of every age he’s ever been, and all the new ones, like cotton candy, like the Milky Way. I can still see the stoned wonder of the toddler, the watchfulness of the young child, sopping stuff up, the busy purpose and workmanship of the 9-year-old. I see him and his oldest friend Jack outside working on an electric fence, taping 6-volt batteries to our fence, using endless duct tape and wires and switches. I see him making robots at the kitchen table with bits of junk, a glue gun, and a 9-volt battery. I see him at my desk, making a small electric fan that works. He can get most of his inventions to light up, or walk: He invents the same way I write — Virginia Woolf said, “Arrange what pieces come your way.” He creates things out of stuff that grabs his attention, bits of plastic, toys, cloth, balloon, fool’s gold, mirrors, batteries.

Finally he came and stood beside me, silent. “What do you think about when you come here?”

“This is where I most feel the presence of God. Except for church.”

He looked out at the mountainside, at a hawk, at turkey vultures circling, birds singing in the brush. “Can I sit in your yap?” he asked.

I was sitting cross-legged in the dirt, and he plopped down into my lap. He weighed a ton. I couldn’t have gotten up if I’d wanted to. I held him loosely and smelled his neck. Sometimes when I dream about him, he’s in danger, he’s doing things that are too risky, but mostly he’s either stomping around, or we’re just hanging out together. Sometimes I dream about him when he was still young and I remember it with such sweetness that it wakes me.

This excerpt from “Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith,” to be published March 3, is reprinted by permission of Riverhead Books.

My son, the father

When my 19-year-old announced he was having a baby, I was worried -- and happy. Then came a terrifying birth ...

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My son, the fatherAnne Lamott with her son, Sam.
Anne Lamott has written extensively about parenting for Salon, and her memoir about the birth of her son, "Operating Instructions," is a parenting classic. In a new book, "Some Assembly Required," from which this article is excerpted, Lamott and her son tell the story of a new twist in their lives -- when Sam became a father at the age of 19.

My very young son became a father in mid-July 2009, when his girlfriend, Amy Tobias, gave birth to their son. They named him Jax Jesse Lamott, Jesse after Amy’s beloved grandmother Jessie, and Jax because they liked the way it sounded. Amy was twenty when she delivered, and Sam was nineteen. They’re both a little young, but who asked me?

Sam’s birth, on August 29, 1989, was by far the most important day of my life, and Jax’s was the second. Sam and I are quite close, and I’d always looked forward with enthusiasm to becoming a grandmother someday, in, say, ten years from now, perhaps after he had graduated from the art academy he attends in San Francisco and settled down into a career, and when I was old enough to be a grandmother. I was a young fifty-five. Maybe a medium fifty-five. Let’s say a ripe fifty-five, with a child just one year past his majority.

The day before Thanksgiving 2008, I had heard that Amy was expecting, when I got a call from Sam, in despair.

“Mom, I’m going to be a father,” he said.

I was silent for a time. “Oh, Sam,” I said finally.

He and Amy had been together, tumultuously, since his birthday a year earlier, but they had split up a couple of months before—although not, I can see now, in the biblical sense. Amy is beautiful, tiny and Hispanic, with her roots in Chicago and her parents now living in North Carolina. She had arrived in our lives on the morning of Sam’s eighteenth birthday, to attend cosmetology school in San Francisco: they had become friends at a camp on the East Coast, stayed in touch by phone and text, and begun a long-term relationship, which I hadn’t heard about. One day Sam told me he’d offered her his living room couch until she found an apartment. “Right,” I said when he told me this plan: I was not born yesterday.

“God, Mom,” he had said. Like, get your head out of the gutter.

She had moved off the couch by lunch that first day. They arrived for Sam’s family party at my house at four that afternoon, very much in love. My brother Stevo, his sunny six-year-old daughter, Clara, adopted at birth, and his fiancée, Annette, were there, as was our beloved uncle Millard, our aunt Eleanor, our best family friends, including Gertrud, a ninety-year-old German who’d always served as Sam’s paternal grandmother, and a scattering of cousins. We were all transfixed by this beautiful girl who bounced into the house, in tiny shorts that would fit my cat—she is around four-foot-nine, and weighed ninety pounds at the time—with long black hair, huge brown eyes, and a perfect smile; and my first thought was, “Who did I invite who has a teenage Hispanic daughter?” I thought she might be related to Annette, who is also Latina. Then Sam stepped inside, smiling sheepishly, and introduced Amy to me.

A little over a year later, Amy had terrible morning sickness that lasted a few months, and she spent a lot of time taking naps on my couch, and nibbling bird-sized snacks. I was happy all the time at the thought of Sam’s being a father, and my getting to be a grandmother, except when I was sick with fears about their future, enraged that they had gotten themselves pregnant so young, or in a swivet of trying to control their every move, not to mention every aspect of their futures. She and Sam had moved back in together, into his tiny studio apartment on Geary, two blocks from his art school, and I was paying all of his bills while he was in college. Although Amy’s parents were also contributing generously to her expenses, I was paying their rent, and much of their monthly nut. Amy frequently escaped to my house in Marin, mostly for companionship, as Sam was in school full-time, but also for the sun and relative peace, as their apartment was dark and loud. By the time the morning sickness passed, her belly was huge, especially because she is—or rather was—so tiny. She had an elaborate space-age ultrasound at four months, which indicated that the fetus was a boy: the technician printed out Jax’s picture for us. He looked like a bright, advanced baby. Even gifted.

Sam was woozy with pride and scared to death. Amy was clear, calm, and fiercely into becoming a mother. She did things the way she wanted to, even when it made me unhappy. For instance, two weeks before her due date, she skipped a routine doctor’s appointment for some youthful, willful reason, and I spent several days pacing around my house, trying to make peace with the idea that now the baby would almost certainly be born with some degree of disability. I cried. Sam tried to protect Amy from my neediness and anxieties—i.e., they purposely didn’t call or text me for days. And they fought routinely. Amy would threaten to move back to Chicago, which made me crazier than anything, but I would not interfere, and Sam would call in despair, and I would stay neutral, with undertones of suppressed rage, and they’d come through their conflict, and I would get to be the beloved tribal elder for having stayed impartial.

We went to our little church, St. Andrew, many Sundays, unless Sam had too much homework. The month before Jax’s birth, Sam was both in summer school and working for a contractor, trying to sock some money away. I would still be paying the bills, as I had promised Sam a four-year education: room, board, books, transportation. It was extremely expensive, and I had a nagging hunch that things were not going to become cheaper after Jax was born.

I had loved being pregnant with Sam, mostly: all the parental blessings of feeling bigger, envied, completed, astounded, proud, grateful. And I loved Amy’s being pregnant with Sam’s baby, mostly. I was excited that Sam was going to have all these feelings for someone, too. It would be better for him in some ways than it had been for me; I had not had any money our first few years, and that had been hard. And it could be only good for a baby to have two parents around. Yet having a child ends any feelings of complacency one might ever have, and I knew what Sam was in for. It was like having a terminal illness, but in a good way.

I frequently got to put my hands on Amy’s belly and feel Jax roll and kick around in his chambers. She and I would take afternoon naps together on the two couches in my living room. She gained sixty pounds; I gained five. Her mother, Trudy, and I would get to be there at the hospital for his birth, which Amy passionately hoped to accomplish without drugs. Her mother would fly in from North Carolina near the due date, and she and I spoke or texted from time to time, making plans for Amy’s hospital stay, and for just after. Amy, Sam, and the baby would come to my house from the hospital, along with Trudy, and then at some point Amy’s father, Ray, would come from North Carolina to stay for a few days. We would all be one big happy family, as Ray liked to say.

I prayed every day for a healthy baby, for an easy delivery, for Sam and Amy to be good parents, and for me to let God be in charge of our lives. I prayed to be a beneficent grandmother, and not to bog down in how old that made me sound. I had two slogans to guide me. One was: “Figure it out” is not a good slogan. And the other was: Ask and allow: ask God, and allow grace in.

July 21

Amy delivered late last night by C-section after eighteen hours of hard and heroic natural labor, at the University of California San Francisco Medical Center, one of the nation’s great teaching hospitals, in the upper Haight-Ashbury, just beyond the southeast corner of Golden Gate Park.

Sam had called me at two yesterday morning and told me to meet him, Amy, and Trudy at the hospital. Trudy is five-foot-six, an inch shorter than I am, brunette, and very sweet, and a few years older than I. Her grandma nomenclature will be “Grammy,” and mine will be “Nana,” which is what Sam called my mother. Amy was given a private room, and was plugged into various monitors. Sam coached her for the first few hours, and then Trudy and I coached her, and then Sam again. After many hours, Amy was dilated to six centimeters, but she wasn’t getting any further.

She refused any drugs for hours, even Pitocin to intensify the contractions, and watching her I felt crazy with powerlessness and thwarted Good Ideas: Let’s everyone settle down and take a lot of drugs! Get this show on the road! Of course, I pretended to be supportive of whatever she decided. Sam, Trudy, and I took turns going to the cafeteria for snacks, while Amy was brought hospital meals which no one ate, because the meals looked like upscale pet food, with a side of boiled vegetables. When all was said and done, we ate mostly Cheetos and M&M’s. And when I say “we,” I mean me.

Amy’s contractions were wracking her body, but they weren’t quite productive enough. She was in maternal warrior mode, and I was humbled by how hard she was working, how much pain she was able to bear, and how stoic she was. By this point in my own labor, almost twenty years before, I’d already had the Pitocin, an epidural, and a few refreshing shots of morphine to take the edge off. I felt stunned and teary about what a good birth coach Sam was—it wasn’t so long ago that we were bickering about wet towels on the bathroom floor or why the hell he can’t manage to keep his cell phone charged.

Hours later, Amy finally let the nurses put some Pitocin in her IV, and the three of us took turns breathing with her. But the baby, who had been estimated to weigh nine pounds, was just too big for her small body, and she was exhausted. At seven at night, a number of doctors came by on rounds, with third-year medical students in tow, and said, Tut-tut, like Pooh in the Hundred Acre Wood, and then that everything looked fine — and finally, at around eight or so, a doctor who looked a lot like a young Ethel Kennedy, scrappy and beautiful, bounded in, as if we were all on a tennis court. She was about my age and she exuded intelligence, and we all instantly knew she was perfect—although her eyes squinted like a mole would in sudden bright sun. My first thought was, “Oh my God, she’s a blind gynecologist. Affirmative action has gone too far this time.” There were so many nurses in the room, with a few scattered leftover med students thrown in, and a new batch of med students. Within a minute, Dr. Ethel had most of her arm inside Amy.

All of us held our collective breath when she said, “Oh, jeez, is that the umbilical cord?” and some of the medical students and the labor nurse made the quiet face of studious concern that nurses are taught in their first semester. And then the doctor said cheerfully, “Oh, it’s just an ear.” Like, Silly me! Sighs of relief all around. Then her arm disappeared again, up to her elbow, as if she could wiggle her fingers and tickle Amy’s heart. She squinted off to one side, way in the distance, as if to the hills whence help comes, like Mr. Magoo in Pharaoh’s Egypt, and I realized she was not seeing with her eyes, but with her hand and her mind.

As I watched her bend in, with her head and shoulders sideways, I was reminded of all those times as children when we stretched sideways over a storm drain, an ear pressed against the grille, reached our arms through, and blindly tried to grab a coin from below with our fingertips, before resorting to sticking a wad of bubble gum on the end of a stick.

Finally the doctor’s arm reappeared, and she explained to Amy that there was way too much amniotic fluid, which posed a dangerous hurdle, and she needed to break Amy’s water. We all nodded knowingly, even the medical students. The labor nurse gave the doctor a needle, and the doctor’s arm disappeared again, and after a minute she announced that she had pierced the sac and would let the water out slowly.

But the water gushed out of Amy, about ten gallons of a green soup from “The Exorcist,” and I thought with my ever-present Christian faith: Amy’s dying now for sure; I just hope they can save the baby. But the doctor squinted at the hills again and repositioned the baby’s arm and hand; she was, we learned later, trying to keep the rivers of soup from pouring over the sides of the banks all at once: she was siphoning it off.

Amy lay in a widening pool of green soupy fluid; nurses tried to shove towels under her butt without bumping the now one-armed doctor. The doctor’s head tilted, in full squint; she worked on until she seemed to listen for a minute, but not with her visible ears. Then she withdrew her arm and took off the glove.

She told Amy that she would give her one more hour, but she didn’t think there was a big chance of success, even with more Pitocin. Amy should have a C-section, while there was still a choice. I was silently begging, Please have it. Amy looked to Sam, and he told her that it was her body, that he supported her in whatever she decided. I wanted to scream into his face, “Stop saying that! You’re encouraging her,” but somehow I didn’t say anything. Amy asked for more Pitocin, yet an hour later when the nurse checked her cervix, she said it was just the same. She left the room, and the four of us prayed together as a family. After a few minutes, Dr. Ethel came back, and her arm disappeared up Amy again. In full Mole Squint, the doctor said, “I recommend we do a cesarean,” and Amy said, quietly, “Okay.”

Trudy and I went off to the waiting room, where we writhed around and read the sacred texts of crisis — People and the National Enquirer — and ate the temple foods — Cheetos and M&M’s — for about an hour, until a huge male nurse came to tell us that Jax had been born. Amy was fine, but she desperately needed to sleep for a few hours, before she could begin nursing. He said we could go meet the baby. Trudy and I hugged and jumped and pumped our grandmotherly fists.

We found Sam in the nursery, dressed in scrubs, holding his swaddled new son, peering into his peaceful face, crying and saying over and over, “Hi Jax, I’m your dad. I’m your dad, Jax.”

Jax was the loveliest baby boy I’ve ever seen, a dead ringer for Sam as a newborn, but Latino, gorgeous as God or a crescent moon, with huge black eyes, black hair, lightly tan. I felt as though I was seeing a river gorge, from way up high on a bridge, silenced by the vastness of his tiny face, the depth of his brown-black eyes.

Excerpted with permission from “Some Assembly Required” by Anne Lamott, now available from Penguin.

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Why I’m inspired by the midterm election

Christine O'Donnell is gone, and Harry Reid isn't. Now, let's buckle up for the bumpy ride that faces us in 2012

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Why I'm inspired by the midterm electionDelaware Republican U.S. Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell waves from inside a vehicle after voting, Tuesday, Nov. 2, 2010, in Wilmington, Del. O'Donnell is facing Democrat Chris Coons. (AP Photo/Rob Carr)(Credit: Rob Carr)

I am awash in the afterglow of the midterms.

Perhaps “afterglow” is not exactly right. Or “awash.”

Maybe I mean “profound relief.” Barbara Boxer and Jerry Brown, and Michael Bennet (amazingly) in Colorado, Patty Murray hanging on, and most of all, Harry Reid, HAR-RY, HAR-RY, HAR-RY. My man. Dawg! For me, holding the Senate and Harry Reid is almost up there with the Giants winning.

So maybe they have the Aqua Buddha, but we have two months to go with this House, this Senate, this president. People say that 10 days or two weeks is an eternity in politics, so two months is four or five eternities. Two months is eternity-plus-plus.

And that Obama is nothing if not brilliant. This guy has had some liberal victories legislatively, and when word of these victories — the realities of healthcare, financial reform, student loan reform, etc. — trickles out, we will have pride and stamina again. We will experience grace again, the grace of generosity to the underdog; the grace of second winds, and psychic WD-40. The grace of unseen water wings.

I say, buckle up, buckeroos and buckerinas. Fingers crossed and heads high. Once more into the breach. Also, figure out how you, in your area, can help mobilize the Latino vote. We owe Harry Reid to Hispanic outrage and get-out-the-vote efforts — send someone money today. (I love Mi Familia Vota, but there are organizations in every state.) Or go somewhere nearby and register Latino voters, and the youth, who accidentally forgot to show up on Tuesday — the “yout,” to quote the great Joe Pesci in “My Cousin Vinnie.” Help whip up the Youts for 2012. Lots to do! Kids to mentor, wars to protest, homeless people to help through the coming winter night. Time to rest and get ready.

So goodnight, moon. Goodnight, long national nightmare of the last two months, when it looked like we might lose John Dingell, and Barney Frank, and HAR-RY. Good night, Carl Paladino, with your cute red bat! Goodnight, Christine O’Donnell, with your election night list of demands — fabulous! I don’t know a living writer who could have thought that up, or the “I Am not a Witch” campaign. Maybe the late, great Terry Southern? But anyway, excellent — and goodnight. Goodnight, Dino Rossi, but can we keep the name? And goodnight, icky Meg Whitman, thank you from the bottom of my heart for not being my new governor. Money and power and ego can’t buy ya love, huh? Does that suck, or WHAT? And we all know what it’s like to spend money unwisely — who among us does not have some crazy purchase in our closet or drawer and garage right now? The stories I could tell — the blisters, the eyeglass frames that look so adorable on Justin Timberlake. Oh well, good night, Meg; and thank you for your courage, Meg Whitman’s housekeeper. And good night, Joe Sestak — but DON’T go very far away. You’re the real thing. Good night, Joe Miller, even with all those rascally votes still to count. But goodnight, and thank you for sharing.

Let’s all go have some well-earned rest. A new day dawns.

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Why I believe in a Democratic comeback

I learned from years of competitive sports that the best time to beat the other side is when they're gloating

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Why I believe in a Democratic comeback

There is nothing as sweet as a comeback, when you are down and out, about to lose, and out of time. The almost certain victors are already in full gloat mode, and that’s why the rest of us feel lower than a gopher hole, as Molly Ivins said to me after Bush v. Gore. Nothing you try seems to work. But as I experienced dozens of times in tennis matches as a youth, if you don’t give up, sometimes there’s a shift under your feet, and you win one unexpected point, and then another, and somehow, miraculously, you pull ahead.

I’m not thinking of the San Francisco Giants here, although I have been following them with love and a sick stomach for most of my 56 years. This year they are almost certainly going to the Series, a great and unique team. Yet some of my earliest memories are of coming into the kitchen of the small coffee-colored house we rented in the late ’50s, to find my parents and older brother seated around the radio, with their arms folded across their stomachs. They’d be doubled over with worry as the Giants seemed poised once again to throw away victory, blowing a comeback at the last possible minute.

I’m not thinking about how much being a lifelong Giants fan is like having been a lifelong Democrat — they are both such beautiful teams, from the Willies May and McCovey in that coffee-colored house, to Tim Lincecum and Pablo Sandoval; from Adlai Stevenson to Lynn Woolsey and Russ Feingold. They have taught me that when it comes to playoff games and midterm elections, you can’t let your hopes get too high — but of course you do, and once again, the Giants or the Democrats break your heart — or totally, hilariously kick butt.

The Giants are usually described as rag tag, kind of a great garage sale team, and the Democrats are described as the Mommies to the Republican Daddies; and everyone hates the mommies, but wait, wait — I didn’t intend to get into the pathos and thrill of being a Democratic Giants fan. There is a certain delusional nobility in the wild ride.

And I’m not even thinking of a recent discussion I had with my Sunday School kids, about how when we as individuals or nations get so terribly lost, we have prophets to call us back. The prophets aren’t like the guys on Christian radio, predicting the end of the world for sometime next Thursday, right after lunch. They are truth tellers, lights, Dr. King or Nelson Mandela, calling us back to decency, sanity, to each person being treated exactly the same.

All I started out to say was that I remember so many matches I played as a junior tennis star, when I got off to a bad start, and was losing big time to someone I either should have been able to beat, or needed to beat to keep up my ranking. My opponent was frequently an awful arrogant, stupid person, which I say without judgment. It was simple reality — most competitive tennis players in my day were privileged, spoiled, entitled and white. Also, many of them were beautiful, fit, tan and of good stock — great big hair and white teeth and long legs. Then there were the rest of us.

Future Democrats, and Giants fans.

Anyway, you’d be losing by a set and a service break, say 6-3, 4-1, to an athlete whose practice partner has come to watch her, and whose father was hiding behind a bush nearby, giving her hand signals (whereas your pathetic Giants-and-Adlai-Stevenson-fan father has such bad nerves that he couldn’t even watch you play, even when you were in the finals). Your stomach ached, but you held serve, 4-2. Then, about to serve for 5-2, your opponent got a little cocky, began wondering who was winning the match over on court 12, which would be her next opponent on the march to the finals. And so your opponent double-faulted. Love-15. And because you had nothing to lose, and the game was surely over, and you did not have much of a chance, let alone great hair, long legs and braces on your future perfect white choppers, you secretly got back in the game. You secretly dared to hope.

When your nonplussed opponent crossed over to ace you from the backhand side, you’d nick one of your stealth serial killer moves with your eyes looking away quickly. Then she caught your eye as she aimed at a spot on your service court. You flicked your eyes over to the left, and it threw her. She served long, and her second serve is weak, and you suddenly have the advantage, because you have nothing to lose. And you rallied hard for, and eventually won the point.

Now it’s love-30, and your opponent starts to fall apart. Her nerves fail her, and her left arm on the next toss is as herky-jerky as a tennis ball machine, and she actually has to change down the toss to hit it, or do it over. She’s reduced to pushing in her serve, and you make winners. And she begins to come apart like a two-dollar watch. She’s grinding down those teeth, and her father is losing his mind in the hydrangeas, signaling for her either to serve as hard as she can, or smash in your head at the net. You can’t tell, but he’s furious. Oh, well. Ha ha, as we Christians like to say.

I won a lot of matches when there was almost no hope, and even less time, and it always started with winning one point here, and one point there. It always depended on not giving up, on getting my focus and courage back. It was the greatest feeling on earth, and, I imagine, it would still be so today, to take such a risk, and God only knows, maybe prevail.

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Why I hate Mother’s Day

It celebrates the great lie about women: That those with children are more important than those without

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Why I hate Mother's Day

I did not raise my son, Sam, to celebrate Mother’s Day. I didn’t want him to feel some obligation to buy me pricey lunches or flowers, some annual display of gratitude that you have to grit your teeth and endure. Perhaps Mother’s Day will come to mean something to me as I grow even dottier in my dotage, and I will find myself bitter and distressed when Sam dutifully ignores the holiday. Then he will feel ambushed by my expectations, and he will retaliate by putting me away even sooner than he was planning to — which, come to think of it, would be even more reason to hate Mother’s Day.

But Mother’s Day celebrates a huge lie about the value of women: that mothers are superior beings, that they have done more with their lives and chosen a more difficult path. Ha! Every woman’s path is difficult, and many mothers were as equipped to raise children as wire monkey mothers. I say that without judgment: It is, sadly, true. An unhealthy mother’s love is withering.

The illusion is that mothers are automatically happier, more fulfilled and complete. But the craziest, grimmest people this Sunday will be the mothers themselves, stuck herding their own mothers and weeping children and husbands’ mothers into seats at restaurants. These mothers do not want a box of chocolate. These mothers are on a diet.

I hate the way the holiday makes all non-mothers, and the daughters of dead mothers, and the mothers of dead or severely damaged children, feel the deepest kind of grief and failure. The non-mothers must sit in their churches, temples, mosques, recovery rooms and pretend to feel good about the day while they are excluded from a holiday that benefits no one but Hallmark and See’s. There is no refuge — not at the horse races, movies, malls, museums. Even the turn-off-your-cellphone announcer is going to open by saying, “Happy Mother’s Day!” You could always hide in a nice seedy bar, I suppose. Or an ER.

It should go without saying that I also hate Valentine’s Day.

Mothering has been the richest experience of my life, but I am still opposed to Mother’s Day. It perpetuates the dangerous idea that all parents are somehow superior to non-parents. (Meanwhile, we know the worst, skeeviest, most evil people in the world are CEOs and politicians who are proud parents.)

Don’t get me wrong: There were times I could have literally died of love for my son, and I’ve felt stoned on his rich, desperate love for me. But I bristle at the whispered lie that you can know this level of love and self-sacrifice only if you are a parent. We talk about “loving one’s child” as if a child were a mystical unicorn. Ninety-eight percent of American parents secretly feel that if you have not had and raised a child, your capacity for love is somehow diminished. Ninety-eight percent of American parents secretly believe that non-parents cannot possibly know what it is to love unconditionally, to be selfless, to put yourself at risk for the gravest loss. But in my experience, it’s parents who are prone to exhibit terrible self-satisfaction and selfishness, who can raise children as adjuncts, like rooms added on in a remodel. Their children’s value and achievements in the world are reflected glory, necessary for these parents’ self-esteem, and sometimes, for the family’s survival. This is how children’s souls are destroyed.

But my main gripe about Mother’s Day is that it feels incomplete and imprecise. The main thing that ever helped mothers was other people mothering them; a chain of mothering that keeps the whole shebang afloat. I am the woman I grew to be partly in spite of my mother, and partly because of the extraordinary love of her best friends, and my own best friends’ mothers, and from surrogates, many of whom were not women at all but gay men. I have loved them my entire life, even after their passing.

No one is more sentimentalized in America than mothers on Mother’s Day, but no one is more often blamed for the culture’s bad people and behavior. You want to give me chocolate and flowers? That would be great. I love them both. I just don’t want them out of guilt, and I don’t want them if you’re not going to give them to all the people who helped mother our children. But if you are going to include everyone, then make mine something like M&M’s, and maybe flowers you picked yourself, even from my own garden, the cut stems wrapped in wet paper towels, then tin foil and a waxed-paper bag from my kitchen drawers. I don’t want something special. I want something beautifully plain. Like everything else, it can fill me only if it is ordinary and available to all.

Anne Lamott’s latest novel is “Imperfect Birds.”

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Dear Mr. President: What are you thinking?

Stop dawdling on healthcare, forget about Snowe and Lieberman, and become the leader we voted for already

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Dear Mr. President: What are you thinking?

Dear Mr. Obama,

I hate to complain, and I certainly do not want to sound cranky. But time is awasting, so here goes: Nearly 70 million people voted for you because we supported your commitment to ending the war in Iraq, closing Gitmo and creating universal healthcare. Only a couple thousand of them were passionate about the whole bipartisanship thing, and based on my scientific research, exactly 38 believed that Olympia Snowe’s vote on the healthcare reform bill would even make it bipartisan. Thirty-eight people! (And you should see them.) So now the other approximately 66,999,962 of us are left wondering, Why did you lose so much time courting her vote?

I mean no offense, but the belief that Snowe’s vote made the bill bipartisan was delusional from the start. It was exactly the sort of thing my mother would have come up with — and she was from Liverpool. I rest my case: Those of us with English parents faithfully attend special 12-step meetings to break through the uniquely English forms of denial. The vote of one extremely withholding woman — and I say that without judgment — never changed the nature of the bill, no matter how much you and your staff convinced yourselves it did. It is a Democratic bill — a quintessentially Democratic bill, in that it’s about trying to help those in need. It is about fairness, decency and the common good, the values most Americans were raised on. But you can’t even mention those words and ideals these days without getting laughed at by the Republican leadership — or, worse, tea-bagged.

A great pastor in New York City once said that if you wanted to get into heaven, you needed a letter of recommendation from the poor. Teddy Kennedy got his. So did Lincoln, FDR, Shirley Chisholm. And now it’s up to you.

To get Ms. Snowe’s mingy vote, you would have needed to include her little pet rock, the trigger option. But the trigger option was the emperor’s new clothes. Perhaps a more precise way of saying this is that the trigger option was a figment, a dodge from greatness. My mother would have called it a “crock.” My 20-year-old son, “Totally bogus.”

I am not saying that continuing to waste our time — while people die every day from lack of healthcare — will keep you out of heaven, although you may get an inferior seat, possibly in the room serving only nursery snacks. How will you face Teddy if you muff this historic moment? Do you think he will share his eclairs with you? His brie?

It’s OK that you wanted Ms. Snowe’s vote so desperately, but the truth is that she was getting high on not giving it to you. She was getting a hit, like a junkie, from withholding. Believe me, I have dated men like her. She had a chance to participate in greatness, which does not happen all that often anymore in American politics, but the possibility is there now — for you, for us, for our country.

A huge majority of people in America and specifically in Maine want the public option. For a few months there, she had the power to kill it. Dude, what was that about? Was it some form of Kabuki theater, wherein you knew she would never give you her vote, but you needed to pretend she might for another week? Was it a multilevel chess game that all the people who voted for you were too dumb to figure out? She didn’t want decent medical care for the poor and middle class: She wanted power. She, like so many of us, is hungry for what she is not giving — for generosity of spirit, the only thing that can fill us up. And yet, she chooses to withhold, this woman who happens to have great government healthcare. I bet she and her extended family never worry when they get sick, or even when they need psychiatric care. Not to mention dental, which just kills me to think about — me and my family, with our terrible English teeth.

So we’ve lost two or three months to that business. And now we have Lieberman. In some ways, he’s even worse, because of — well, you know — the voice.

We do not personally blame you for the fact that we have to listen to him. It’s political life, on political life’s terms. And maybe his therapist or rabbi will help staunch his latest episode of swerving sickness. But recently on “The Rachel Maddow Show,” the great Jane Hamsher compared the healthcare debate to a beauty contest in which the contestants who feel ignored start stripping and said that, at some point, one of the directors will convince Lieberman to put his shirt back on. So I am wondering, why can’t that be you? Why can’t you do what Leon on “Curb Your Enthusiasm” keeps urging Larry to do? Take him the ruckus.

Use your most reliable parenting skills: Joe Lieberman is acting like a petulant, icky little kid — I say that with love. Use those classic parental standbys, bribes and threats. Back-channel him. Try reverse psychiatry — “Thank God you stepped in, Joe. Otherwise, we would have been responsible for all those slacker poor people. All those feverish babies and children. All those English expats, with their bad teeth.” If that doesn’t work, maybe you could just remind him of the famous story from 15 years ago, that family with a 5-year-old girl with leukemia who needed blood in massive quantities to stay alive. You remember: Everyone in her family except her older brother was tested and found to be incompatible. But the boy was afraid of having blood drawn in order to test it, and his parents respected him enough to let him come to the decision by himself.

One day he came to them and told them he was ready. They took him to the doctor, his blood was tested, and it was an almost exact match with his little sister. So the two of them were put on beds side by side in a hospital room, and the nurses withdrew blood from his arm, and let it flow into his sister’s. He lay with his eyes closed, in silence for the entire procedure, until the doctor gripped his shoulder and asked how he was doing. The boy opened his eyes.

“How soon ’til I start to die?” he asked.

This kind of profound and innocent moral courage is the most attractive characteristic a person can display, especially a politician. It is time for you to come out vigorously and loudly for Harry Reid by getting your people in line. Reid has managed, with a lot of help from liberals and progressives and too much time lost, to whip most of the Senate Democrats behind what you campaigned for. Now it is time for you to roar. Ms. Snowe and Joe can still choose greatness, too: They have free will, and they may surprise us all. Or, hey, while we are at it, why not hit up George Voinovich? He is not running for reelection and is — or should be — rooting around for a legacy. Otherwise, people will scratch their heads while trying to remember who he was. “Oh, Voinovich? Wasn’t he the guy up on Laurel who had to tent his house for termites?” He could go out a hero, by simply doing what public servants are supposed to do — stand up for the people, for greatness, for compassion, fairness and the common good.

So again I ask you, do the right thing, and do it now. Shoot the moon, Boss: right between the eyes. 

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