Guys & Prejudice

The New York Post treats Jane Austen like Chuck Palahniuk.

Topics: Broadsheet, Jane Austen, Love and Sex,

Sometimes reading the New York Post’s movie critic Kyle Smith is painful. It hurts because every word drips with Smith’s deeply male, and sometimes horrifyingly sexist, sensibility. But it hurts more because the guy can be pretty hilarious. It was the same combination that made his 2004 novel “Love Monkey” addictive and disturbing.

But I snarfed my coffee this morning while reading his excellent — three stars! — review of the new adaptation of “Pride & Prejudice” that was headlined “The Ultimate Guy Movie. No, Really.”

“Listen up, guys, have I got a flick for you,” begins Smith. “It’s all about money, sex and slammin’ babes in saucy-wench get-ups, and it goes down in the same country that gave us Led Zeppelin and the Clash. This weekend … If you’re lucky, you can con your girlfriend into seeing ‘Pride & Prejudice.’”

Smith’s plot synopsis introduces readers to the Bennet family of “four raging hotties … looking for action in the randy years of the Regency.” The two sisters “most worthy of knocking boots with,” he alleges, are Jane and Elizabeth, played respectively by Rosamund Pike and Keira Knightley, who, Smith reminds guys, was “No. 53 on Maxim’s Hot 100 List this year, down from No. 18 last year — she’s 20 years old, guys, catch her before she wrinkles up.” Ack!

Smith describes costar Donald Sutherland as “the stoned college prof from ‘Animal House’” and Judi Dench as “M herself,” a reference to her role in James Bond movies. “And does she ever go yard in the few minutes she gets to swing the bat,” Smith writes admiringly of the 70-year-old British thespian’s cameo Austen performance.

Delicately explaining that the Bennet sisters are “looking to get hooked up in the meat markets of the country-party scene,” Smith soon describes their love interests: “goofy redhead Bingley” and “hard guy Darcy,” two guys whose “game is gold, baby. They’re like Wedding Crashers who don’t have to do the hora.”

The sexual chemistry between the leads is so intense, writes Smith, that “you and all the other dudes crammed into the theater will be screaming, ‘Get a room!’”

Smith does concede that there are some characters with questionable testosterone levels, like “a ponytailed metrosexual named Wickham who says things like, ‘I have very good taste in ribbons.’ But the director jukes and spins his way through it all as righteously as LaDainian Tomlinson vs. the Jets’ linebackers.”

Whatever, dude!

Rebecca Traister

Rebecca Traister writes for Salon. She is the author of "Big Girls Don't Cry: The Election that Changed Everything for American Women" (Free Press). Follow @rtraister on Twitter.

Featured Slide Shows

  • Share on Twitter
  • Share on Facebook
  • 1 of 11
  • Close
  • Fullscreen
  • Thumbnails
    Burger King Japan

    2014's fast food atrocities

    Burger King's black cheeseburger: Made with squid ink and bamboo charcoal, arguably a symbol of meat's destructive effect on the planet. Only available in Japan.

    Elite Daily/Twitter

    2014's fast food atrocities

    McDonald's Black Burger: Because the laws of competition say that once Burger King introduces a black cheeseburger, it's only a matter of time before McDonald's follows suit. You still don't have to eat it.


    2014's fast food atrocities

    Domino's Specialty Chicken: It's like regular pizza, except instead of a crust, there's fried chicken. The company's marketing officer calls it "one of the most creative, innovative menu items we have ever had” -- brain power put to good use.


    2014's fast food atrocities

    Arby's Meat Mountain: The viral off-menu product containing eight different types of meat that, on second read, was probably engineered by Arby's all along. Horrific, regardless.


    2014's fast food atrocities

    KFC'S ZINGER DOUBLE DOWN KING: A sandwich made by adding a burger patty to the infamous chicken-instead-of-buns creation can only be described using all caps. NO BUN ALL MEAT. Only available in South Korea.

    Taco Bell

    2014's fast food atrocities

    Taco Bell's Waffle Taco: It took two years for Taco Bell to develop this waffle folded in the shape of a taco, the stand-out star of its new breakfast menu.

    Michele Parente/Twitter

    2014's fast food atrocities

    Krispy Kreme Triple Cheeseburger: Only attendees at the San Diego County Fair were given the opportunity to taste the official version of this donut-hamburger-heart attack combo. The rest of America has reasonable odds of not dropping dead tomorrow.

    Taco Bell

    2014's fast food atrocities

    Taco Bell's Quesarito: A burrito wrapped in a quesadilla inside an enigma. Quarantined to one store in Oklahoma City.

    2014's fast food atrocities

    Boston Pizza's Pizza Cake: The people's choice winner of a Canadian pizza chain's contest whose real aim, we'd imagine, is to prove that there's no such thing as "too far." Currently in development.


    2014's fast food atrocities

    7-Eleven's Doritos Loaded: "For something decadent and artificial by design," wrote one impassioned reviewer, "it only tasted of the latter."

  • Recent Slide Shows



Comment Preview

Your name will appear as username ( settings | log out )

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href=""> <b> <em> <strong> <i> <blockquote>