Fiction
“Absurdistan”
In his hilarious follow-up to "The Russian Debutante's Handbook," Gary Shteyngart proves himself to be the post-Soviet era's own Joseph Heller.
Post-Soviet life may not need its own Joseph Heller — and chances are it couldn’t sit still long enough to read his books even if it did — but it has him all the same in Gary Shteyngart. Shteyngart’s first novel, “The Russian Debutante’s Handbook,” described the adventures of Vladimir Girshkin, a Russian Jew who was unhappily transplanted to the U.S. in his childhood, as he seeks his fortune (and hides out from mobsters) in the frantically Westernizing Eastern Europe of the 1990s. In Shteyngart’s latest, the hilarious, caustic “Absurdistan,” another homesick Russian Jew, an obese innocent named Misha Vainberg, pines for a lost paradise. In Misha’s case, Eden is the South Bronx, where he once gorged on junk food and canoodled on the stoop with his beloved Rouenna, a homegirl he hooked up with in a titty bar.
When we meet Misha, however, he’s stuck in St. Petersburg, penning this book, ostensibly his “love letter to the generals in charge of the Immigration and Naturalization Service.” He can’t get back into the States because his father, the 1,238th richest man in Russia, has shot and killed an Oklahoma businessman “over a 10 percent stake in a nutria farm” and unlike the freewheeling Russians, the American authorities don’t take kindly to the sons of murderers. Thanks to Beloved Papa’s wealth — acquired through assorted dubious enterprises, including VainBergAir, “an airline without any airplanes but with plenty of stewardesses” — Misha lives pretty high on the hog. But he longs for New York and Rouenna, especially when he learns that his girlfriend has taken up with the detestable imigri Jerry Shteynfarb, author of a crap novel called “The Russian Arriviste’s Hand Job.”
After Beloved Papa is assassinated by another kingpin, Misha’s quest to get back to New York leads him on a circuitous, Ativan- and whiskey-soaked journey to the obscure nation of Absurdistan, a former Soviet satellite on the Caspian Sea. There he gets caught up in the rising tensions between the Svani and Sevo, two Sneetchlike local groups whose primary difference seems to be which way they think “Christ’s footrest” should tilt on the Orthodox cross. Ensconced in the Hyatt, where prostitutes roam the hallways, shrieking “Golly Burton!” every time they think they’ve spotted an employee of a certain well-connected American service-contracting firm, Misha forlornly e-mails Rouenna. Eventually, after civil war breaks out in Absurdistan, he takes up the Sevo cause, praying that for once he’s on the side of right.
The plot of “Absurdistan,” however, is really just a pretext to bedazzle the reader with a series of rowdy and blisteringly satirical vignettes of life in contemporary Russia, the boondocks of Central Asia and, every so often, the Never-Neverland of America itself. Courtesy of Beloved Papa, Misha obtained a useless degree in multicultural studies at “Accidental College,” a private (very) liberal arts college in the Midwest, from which “a surprising number of graduates went on to raise organic asparagus along the Oregonian coast.” This education leaves our hero utterly unprepared for the new Russia, where he listens to a hired thug (Ruslan the Enforcer) complain that a rival (Ruslan the Punisher) has stolen the url for his nickname “Why can’t my website be called www.ruslan-the-enforcer.com? … I am the Enforcer. I know Ruslan the Punisher. He lives with his mother by the Avtovo metro station. He is a nothing man. Now people will think that I am him. They won’t hire me to do the bloody work. I will be humiliated.” Not that Misha doesn’t have a certain kind of expertise. He arouses an Absurdistani girlfriend, an NYU student on break and equally enamored of the Big Apple, by reciting Zagat Guide entries for Manhattan restaurants. To local leaders hoping that the West will intervene in their conflict, he explains the grim truth: “No one knows where your country is or who you are. You don’t have a familiar ethnic cuisine; your diaspora, from what I understand, is mostly in Southern California, three time zones removed from the national media in New York; and you don’t have a recognizable, long-simmering conflict like the one between the Israelis and the Palestinians, where people in the richer nations can take sides and argue over the dinner table. The best you can do is get the United Nations involved, as in East Timor. Maybe they’ll send troops.”
The Sevo appoint Misha to the post of Minister of Multicultural Affairs (even though they don’t know — or care — what “multicultural” means) and he begins writing grant proposals to set up a Holocaust museum in the capital (a bit of a stretch considering that the Nazis never got as far east as Absurdistan, but the Absurdis think Misha can help them win the favor of Israel and, thereby, the Americans). Somehow, everyone Misha meets seems to know everything about him — that he is a “melancholic and a sophisticate,” and that he slept with his stepmother a few weeks after his father’s funeral — and finally he will learn that everyone in Absurdistan knows something about the civil war that he doesn’t.
In Absurdistan, almost everyone is working some kind of angle or wearing some kind of disguise, mostly intended to manipulate the prejudices and ignorance of romantic, patronizing, uniformed Americans. The hotel manager, an Armenian-American born and raised in Glendale, Calif., sends out notes in semi-literate English to the guests, trying to pass himself off as “a wily local instead of some middle-class brat from the San Fernando Valley.” A Mossad agent posing as a Texan describes the extensive market research his agency has done on “how genocides are perceived by the American electorate … We give these American schmendricks a map of the world and say, ‘Point to the general area where you think Congo is located.’ Nineteen percent point to the continent of Africa. Another 23 percent point to either India, or South America. We count those as correct answers, because Africa, India, and South America all start out wide and then taper off at the bottom. So, for our purposes, 42 percent of respondents sort of know where Congo is.”
Savage, but pretty damn close to the truth. No doubt Shteyngart’s portrait of life in Russia and “the ‘stans” is equally acute, not matter how exaggerated it seems. Like Heller’s “Catch-22,” “Absurdistan” has the feel of a book whose outrageous caricatures will soon become shorthand for real-life situations. We’re all Absurdistanis, or will be soon, and can sympathize with the beleaguered manager of the Park Hyatt Svani City, when he asks, “Why did all this history have to happen to me?”
Laura Miller is a senior writer for Salon. She is the author of "The Magician's Book: A Skeptic's Adventures in Narnia" and has a Web site, magiciansbook.com. More Laura Miller.
50 shades of Shutterstock
Slide show: Everyone's favorite light-bondage bestseller illustrated by inexplicable stock photography SLIDE SHOW
This week, for roughly the millionth time, E.L. James’ romance-bondage trilogy “50 Shades” nabs the No. 1, 2 and 3 spots on the New York Times bestseller lists. We don’t get it either. Every page of that book, which famously began as “Twilight” fan fiction, elicits a sigh of confusion and weird secondary embarrassment. The question is: Who would read this? (The answer is: Apparently everyone.) It’s the same baffled, helpless feeling we get when we sort through stock photos on a daily basis. Stock photos – which have been the subject of recent outstanding Internet satire – are used by this site, and many others, to illustrate our flood of content. Many are plain and simple, but a good portion are flat-out mind-blowing. Why did anyone think that photo was a good idea? It only made sense to join these forces. And so, we present to you passages from the most head-scratching bestseller of our time, illustrated with the assistance of inexplicable stock photography.
Megaphone by Natalie Bakopoulos
Miracles happen, even in an Athens crippled by a garbage strike, to a young mother unsure of her ability to love
(Credit: iStockphoto/caracterdesign) It’s the third week of the garbage strike and Athens has begun to smell. Bright-colored trash bags fill the curbs and alleyways, and we have learned to step over the rubbish and avoid the blocks that had become unnavigable. We know which stretches are particularly foul — a stretch along Mavili Square, or the entire top end of Monastiraki. Odos Athinas is a sea of trash, and Omonia is ghastly but we don’t go there anyway. May has gone from unseasonably cool to raging hot, and the garbage seems to be melting. In front of the museum it’s like yet another installation project. When I arrive each morning I want to wretch.
Continue Reading CloseNatalie Bakopoulos's first novel, "The Green Shore," will be published by Simon & Schuster in June 2012. Her work has appeared in Tin House, Ninth Letter, Granta Online, and The O. Henry Prize Stories 2010, and she is a contributing editor for the online journal Fiction Writers Review. More Natalie Bakopoulos.
Almost by Chris Pavone
She never thought of herself as ambitious, until motherhood and career collided in one horrifying hospital ride
(Credit: iStockphoto/caracterdesign) It’s just before dawn when Isabel puts the final page down on the fat stack of paper that sits on the rumpled bedspread, next to an overflowing crystal ashtray and a crumpled soft-pack of cigarettes. She’d tried Wellbutrin and Xanax; she’d used patches and gum. In the end, the only thing that made her quit smoking was being pregnant.
But then, after everything, she couldn’t help but start up again. At first it was just a single cigarette per day, or two. Then it became a few, and within months she was back to full-throttle. Over the past couple of years, she’s tried to quit a few times, but not seriously. She anticipates — she accepts — failure. Because she doesn’t want to quit, not really. She wants instead to try, and fail.
Continue Reading CloseMemorial Day fiction: Are we there yet?
Salon exclusive: At the start of the summer fiction season, new stories from Chris Pavone and Natalie Bakopoulos
(Credit: iStockphoto/caracterdesign) “Are we there yet?”
It’s a dreaded sentence. When it’s spoken by an anxious child from the back seat, it’s enough to make stressed-out parents wish they’d never taken a family vacation in the first place. And even if it’s delivered as a sing-songy punch line, from an impatient partner or spouse on a long road trip, it’s an irritating eye-roller of a joke.
So this Memorial Day weekend — the unofficial start of the summer vacation season, and therefore the summer fiction season — we asked two novelists to reclaim the sentence in a new and adult context. For our latest fiction project, there was only one simple rule: Each story had to include the line “Are we there yet?” in a fresh and surprising way.
Continue Reading CloseDavid Daley is the senior culture editor of Salon. More David Daley.
“Frankenstein” remixed
This masterful new adaptation of Mary Shelley's classic novel may be the best interactive fiction yet
Whatever interactive fiction is (and we’re still figuring that out) it suffers from all the problems of traditional fiction and then some. The vast majority of novels and short stories aren’t much good, but when a branching fiction — along the lines of the old “Choose Your Own Adventure” children’s books — fails to engage, the first impulse is to blame the form rather than the content. Let “Frankenstein,” just released by Inkle Studios and Profile Books, serve as a reproach to that reflex. The app is a creative, subtle and sensitive adaptation of Mary Shelley’s classic novella, and it has singlehandedly renewed this critic’s hopes for interactive fiction.
Laura Miller is a senior writer for Salon. She is the author of "The Magician's Book: A Skeptic's Adventures in Narnia" and has a Web site, magiciansbook.com. More Laura Miller.
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