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Wednesday, Sep 13, 2006 11:00 AM UTC2006-09-13T11:00:00Zl, M j, Y g:i A T

Guns on a plane

The way to stop terrorists on planes is to encourage passengers to bring loaded firearms aboard. Where's the NRA when you need 'em?

Guns on a plane
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And now you can’t bring your cup of coffee on board the airplane. It’s the latest new rule laid down by the nation’s security wizards. Everyone knows it’s ridiculous — the notion that you can toss together a few liquids and make an explosive is a fiction from late-night movies. You might as well prohibit bald men on the grounds that the evil Lex Luthor was bald and so was Blofeld, the head of SPECTRE.

But we ditch our venti latte in the trash barrel (goodbye, four bucks) and board the flight, and there we read in the paper that aggressive CIA questioning of an al-Qaida bigwig — stripping him, turning the air conditioner to 40 degrees, blasting him with Red Hot Chili Peppers music — broke him, so he ratted on Jose Padilla, a terrorist who set out to make a dirty bomb and who believed that by swinging a bucket of uranium in a circle over his head he could separate plutonium. It’s like a cartoon.

The way to stop terrorists on planes is to encourage passengers to bring loaded firearms aboard: guys in orange vests sitting in exit rows with deer rifles on their laps, ladies with Mr. Colt in their purses, kids with peashooters. Somebody wake up the NRA. Does the Second Amendment say “The right of the People to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed except on commercial airliners”? Where is the right wing when you really need them?

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Garrison Keillor is the author of the Lake Wobegon novel "Liberty" (Viking) and the creator and host of the nationally syndicated radio show "A Prairie Home Companion," broadcast on more than 500 public radio stations nationwide. For more columns by Keillor, visit his column archive.  More Garrison Keillor

Wednesday, Feb 15, 2012 1:15 AM UTC2012-02-15T01:15:00Zl, M j, Y g:i A T

The things I carry

All those gadgets, chargers, adapters and cords are supposed to make my life easier. I'm not so sure

atp_gadgets

 (Credit: Patrick Smith)

The scourges of modern-day air travel.

I can think of a few: TSA, delayed flights, garbage in your seat pocket. Screaming kids and misdirected luggage. “CNN Airport News.”

Or, how about the blizzard of cardboard placards that hotel chains insist on littering their rooms with? I spend a quarter of my life in hotel rooms, and I resent having to spend the first five minutes of every stay gathering up an armful of this diabolical detritus and heaving it into a corner where it belongs. Attention, innkeepers: This is fundamentally bad business. One’s first moments in a hotel room should be relaxing. The room itself should impart a sense of welcome. It shouldn’t put you to work.

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Patrick Smith

Patrick Smith is an airline pilot.   More Patrick Smith

Wednesday, Feb 8, 2012 6:00 PM UTC2012-02-08T18:00:00Zl, M j, Y g:i A T

Curious fliers want to know

What happens when air conditioning fails, engines won't start, planes get too heavy, and more

atp

 (Credit: Salon)

An old-timey, classic Q&A:

I routinely fly from Los Angeles to Beijing on United. It’s an all-daylight flight over Alaska and Russia. How can I find the approximate route the Air China flight takes on the same route? I’m flying that airline later in the month and would like to know what I’ll be seeing below.

Routings aren’t commonly airline-specific. The determining factors tend to be air traffic control constraints and weather (winds, storms, etc.). Routings tend to be somewhat consistent, but it can vary day to day, even for flights between the same two cities.

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Patrick Smith

Patrick Smith is an airline pilot.   More Patrick Smith

Friday, Feb 3, 2012 5:00 PM UTC2012-02-03T17:00:00Zl, M j, Y g:i A T

Defeated by TSA

Sometimes you just can't win. Plus: OK, not all the airport bookstores are bad

A passenger holds her boarding pass and a transparent bag containing small plastic containers at a security checkpoint at Washington Reagan National Airport

 (Credit: Jason Reed / Reuters)

Thoughts running through my head at the TSA checkpoint …

All of these measures in place today — the liquids and gels rules, the pointy object confiscations, the multiple ID checks, the body-scanners and the pat-downs — would they have stopped the Sept. 11 attacks?

Of course not. The success of the 2001 attacks had nothing to do with box cutters. The hijackers’ critical tool was an intangible one: the element of surprise. That is, taking advantage of our understanding and expectations of a hijacking. What weapons they had in their bags was irrelevant. They could have used anything.

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Patrick Smith

Patrick Smith is an airline pilot.   More Patrick Smith

Tuesday, Jan 31, 2012 7:30 PM UTC2012-01-31T19:30:00Zl, M j, Y g:i A T

Where are the books?

There's nothing like a good read to pass the time when flying. So let's get some proper bookstores at our airports

hudson_news_atp

 (Credit: DannyMcL / CC BY 3.0)

Reading on planes is a natural, am I right? The trick to getting through a long flight is distraction, distraction, distraction, and what better way to distract yourself than with a good book.

Why, then, is it so bloody hard to find a proper bookstore at an airport? Not all of us pre-load our reading material on a Kindle.

I was in Detroit the other day. The terminal at DTW is one of America’s best, and the mile-long concourse is jammed with retail shops. But do you think I could find a book in there? If I wanted a diamond bracelet, a $300 Tumi briefcase or a cup of gourmet coffee, on the other hand, no problem.  But a book?

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Patrick Smith

Patrick Smith is an airline pilot.   More Patrick Smith

Tuesday, Jan 24, 2012 9:25 PM UTC2012-01-24T21:25:00Zl, M j, Y g:i A T

Escape to “hidden airport”

Find unexpected pleasures at a terminal near you. Plus, the best and worst airports

A tree-shaded hideaway at LaGuardia's Marine Air Terminal.

A tree-shaded hideaway at LaGuardia's Marine Air Terminal.  (Credit: Patrick Smith)

Frommer’s, the travel guide people, recently released its list of the world’s best and worst airport terminals.

JFK’s Terminal 3 (scheduled for replacement in 2013) was voted the worst, while the Hajj Terminal in Jeddah, Saudi Arabia, was ranked best.

These things are subjective, and we all have our own criteria, but both lists leave me scratching my head.

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Patrick Smith

Patrick Smith is an airline pilot.   More Patrick Smith

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