SALON

Sunday, Nov 5, 2006 11:30 PM UTC

The Democrats’ best slogan: “Bush lost the war”

He also lowered Paris Hilton's taxes and botched the job of finding Osama. A few last talking points to help the party win back Congress.

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Topics: 2006 Elections, George W. Bush, John F. Kerry, D-Mass., Iraq, Middle East

New Rule: Controlling Congress is for closers. Listen up, Democrats, it’s as simple as ABC: Always Be Closing. First prize? Controlling congressional committees, with subpoena power. Second prize: set of steak knives. Third prize? You’re fired.

The election is four days away, and I’m through dicking around with you. Here are your talking points:

1) When they say, “Democrats will raise taxes,” you say, “We have to, because some asshole spent all the money in the world cutting Paris Hilton’s taxes and not killing Osama bin Laden.” In just six years the national debt has doubled. You can’t keep spending money you don’t take in, that’s not even elementary economics, that’s just called “Don’t be Michael Jackson.”

2) When they say, “The terrorists want the Democrats to win,” you say, “Are you insane? George Bush has been a terrorist’s wet dream, and nonpartisan commissions have confirmed that he’s a recruiter’s dream: theirs, not ours. And, he has exhausted our military without coming away with a win, the worst of both worlds.” Bush inflames radical hatred against America and then runs on offering to protect us from it. It’s like a guy throwing shit on you and then selling you relief from the flies.

3) When they say, “Cut and Run” or “Defeatocrat,” you say, “Bush lost the war — period.” All this nonsense about “the violence is getting worse because they’re trying to influence our election.” No, it’s getting worse because you drew up the postwar plans on the back of a cocktail napkin at Applebee’s. And of course Democrats want to win, but that’s impossible now that you’ve ethnically cleansed the place by making it unlivable, just like you did with New Orleans.

4) When they say that actual combat veterans like John Kerry are “denigrating” the troops, you say, “You’re completely full of shit.” Remember when Al Gore caught all that flak for sighing and moaning during that debate? Yeah, don’t do that. Just say, “You’re full of shit.”

If I was a troop, the support I would want back home would mainly come in the form of people pressuring Washington to get me out of this pointless nightmare. That’s how I would feel supported.

So when they say, “Democrats are obstructionists,” you say, “You’re welcome.” Because with a bad administration that has bad ideas, obstruction is a good thing, just as it’s a good thing to obstruct a drunk from getting his car keys. I would be happy to frame the debate as a fight between the Obstructionists and the Enablers. There’s your talking point: “Vote Republican, and you vote to enable George Bush to keep ruling as an emperor.” A retarded, child emperor, but an emperor.

Democrats, you’ve got two days to get out there and close. It’s not about slogans this time. Although when it comes to slogans, accept no other from your opponent except this one: “The Republican Party: We’re Sorry.”

Bill Maher is the host of HBO's "Real Time with Bill Maher." More Bill Maher.

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