2008 Elections

Michelle Obama gets real

She may be too authentic for Maureen Dowd, but the bold and plain-spoken candidate's wife has made doubting Iowans into believers.

Michelle Obama is sitting in an alcove of the Monticello Public Library, a gaggle of children at her feet. The 43-year-old mother of two daughters is finishing up a rousing reading of “Olivia and the Missing Toy,” a book she appears to be familiar with. “Do you guys know Olivia?” she asks her rapt audience. “She’s a pig; she’s quite the personality; she’s a drama queen. Do you guys know what a drama queen is? Always into something.” When Obama finishes the story, she asks, “Any thoughts on Olivia? Comments? Queries? Statements?” The kids shake their heads no and look imploringly at their new friend for more.

There’s time for one more story before Obama has to address the adults gathering in an adjacent room, and someone has set aside two books from which Obama can choose. There’s one unfamiliar book called “Skippyjon Jones,” and a hardback edition of “Our National Anthem,” the sort of red, white and blue book Lynne Cheney would write, and that an aspiring first lady would be expected to read. “Not that one,” says Obama, quickly discarding the patriotic volume. She opens “Skippyjon Jones” and begins the story of a Siamese kitten who, for reasons too murky to convey here, soon starts using “his very best Spanish accent,” to say things like, “My ears are too beeg for my head. My head ees too beeg for my body. I am not a Siamese cat … I AM A CHIHUAHUA!”

The tale of Skippyjon Jones’ trippy, nearly incomprehensible quest for beans (or something) requires Obama to utter lots of awkwardly accented Spanglish things like, “Yip Yippee Yippito! It’s the end of Alfredo Buzzito! Skippito is here, we have nothing to fear. Adios to the bad Bumblebeeto!” As she perseveres, the kids go loco, rolling off their beanbags with belly-busting laughter. The wife of presidential contender Barack Obama is laughing pretty hard herself, making significant “Help me!” eye contact with her chief of staff. But she forges on, hollering “Holy Frijoles!” with great gusto. “This is a crazy book!” she says several times, eyebrows raised meaningfully at the adults in the room.

The next day, while Michelle is giving an interview elsewhere in Iowa, one of her staffers, who had missed the reading, overhears me and a photographer laughingly recall “Skippyjon Jones”-gate. When she hears about the rejection of the national anthem and the politically incorrect Mexican accent, the staffer half-jokingly, half-pleadingly says to me, “That was off the record.”

The children’s book is a minor, insignificant choice, one that brought down the 6-year-old house. But on the presidential campaign trail, the teensiest of signifiers can carry weight. In September, Obama’s husband landed in hot water when he failed to put his hand to his heart during the national anthem at Sen. Tom Harkin’s steak fry. In light of that absurd kerfuffle — you’re not even supposed to put your hand to your heart during the national anthem — the safe choice would really have been to read the kids “Our National Anthem.” But Michelle, a daughter of Chicago’s working-class South Side, a Princeton and Harvard Law graduate, who has made no secret of her reticence about jumping into the presidential fray, could not help choosing the book that was untested over the book that was boring.

Obama is by no means the only presidential partner shaking things up out there. We’re living in the Wild West of educated, professional, outspoken political spouses; in a post-Hillary, post-feminist nation, the ladies and gentlemen hitting the trail are not armed with recipes and decorating ideas, but with Ph.D.s and presidencies on their résumés. The Family Circle cookie contest — in which the wives of the two major-party presidential nominees are asked to submit their favorite confections — may not be completely extinct. But when, four years ago, a bescarfed Teresa Heinz Kerry blithely admitted that her purported recipe for pumpkin spice cookies had been sent in by someone in her office, and that she herself didn’t even like pumpkin spice cookies, it was clear that the façade of the happy first hausfrau was crumbling.

This election‘s crop of spouses includes Judith Giuliani, whose husband suggested she might one day sit in on Cabinet meetings, the tongue-pierced Elizabeth Kucinich, and Elizabeth Edwards, who while living with cancer has become her husband’s brassiest and most potent (and most unassailable) weapon against his opponents.

But Obama’s particular impulse — to reject meaningless political pablum or helpmate hokum in favor of unexpected candor and a good laugh — has already distinguished her yearlong tenure on the presidential campaign circuit.

“You’ve never seen anyone like us before, and that’s a little freaky, isn’t it?” she asks the crowd of grown-ups who’ve assembled at the Monticello library after the bangito conclusion of “Skippyjon Jones.” “It’s like, ‘They’re real!’ Well, guess what? Real people can be politicians too. We as a country have grown suspicious of real. We take the fake.”

In different versions of the speech she gives in Monticello and other towns during a 48-hour, mid-November blitz of Iowa, Michelle promises her audiences that “you will not see another politician like [Barack] in your lifetime. Because they don’t come along very often. There are other people like him out there, but they don’t choose to go into politics because they have sense. My husband is a little crazy.”

Video: Rebecca Traister on Michelle Obama

From the start, Obama, who works as the vice president of community and external affairs at the University of Chicago Hospitals, has appeared determined to temper the near-Messianic expectations that greeted her charismatic husband’s campaign. In this she is, worryingly for some, reminiscent of Heinz Kerry, who was equally determined to keep the country’s perspective on her mate in check, and who was labeled problematic because of it. (“I don’t want to give [John] more due than he deserves,” she once informed “Hardball’s” Chris Matthews.)

Obama has told various audiences and media outlets about Barack’s shortcomings when it comes to putting the butter away and making the bed; that he’s “snore-y and stinky” when he wakes up in the morning; that she agreed to his presidential run only if he promised to kick his smoking habit; most memorably, she has said, “He’s a gifted man, but in the end, he’s just a man.” It’s not like she’s kneecapping the guy, whom she met when he was hired as her intern at the Chicago law firm Sidley Austin in 1989, but so accustomed are we to hearing political helpmates in reverential mode that her remarks have earned her something of a reputation. Like maybe she’s a little too real. Too real for Maureen Dowd, who boarded the crazy train (from which she has yet to disembark) in April with a column accusing Michelle of infantilizing and emasculating her husband of 15 years with remarks about his feeble domestic skills.

But judging by the reception she receives in northern and eastern Iowa, her approach is working. It shouldn’t be natural that Obama, with her advanced degrees, her height (she’s 5-foot-11), her grace, her killer Jimmy Choo boots and impeccably tailored bell-sleeved tunics, would connect to the comparatively pale, squat groups of people who crowd restaurants and theater lobbies to hear her speak. But she does. As Mary Blake, an 81-year-old from Dorchester, tells me, “I think she’s one of our own. Our different heritage probably doesn’t matter so much if her experience leads her to understand us.” Forty-two-year-old ultrasound technician Laura Hubka, who cries after embracing Michelle in Cresco, has never voted before, but is a precinct captain because of her belief in the Obamas. When I ask what she loves about Michelle, she says, “The strength that she has as a black woman married to a black man, running for president. The trust in the American people, that we can look past that, is such a courageous act. I would vote for her for president.”

Perhaps some of what Dowd was kvetching about was the fact that Obama is a funny lady, whose humor, contoured by tone and inflection, doesn’t always translate to print. When it’s announced at the first of her speeches, in a senior center nestled between car dealerships in Davenport, that this is her 13th trip to Iowa, Obama raises her fists and gives a quiet little “Yay!” It’s not exactly earnest, and not exactly sarcastic, either. She’s tipping her cap to the fact that 13 trips to Iowa when you live, work and mother in Chicago is a lot of work.

“Good morning,” she begins, surveying the audience of seniors. “It is morning, isn’t it? When I do these trips I get confused.”

This latest tour is an anomaly for Obama. She typically confines her campaign travel to day trips so that she can pack her daughters off to school and be home in time to put them to bed. This time, she’ll make five appearances on a Wednesday, spend the night in Dubuque, and make three appearances the next day. It’s as good a week as any for pulling a double shift; Barack has just come off his barn-burning performance at the Nov. 10 Jefferson Jackson dinner, and his polling numbers are perking up for the first time since August.

Still, his wife says, getting out of the house that morning had been a trial, what with Sasha arguing about what to wear. “Come on, kid, put the pants on” is how Michelle remembers pleading with her youngest in order to get to Davenport on time. Obama’s running deadpan monologue about the tribulations of ordinary domestic life under extraordinary national circumstances — imagine Roseanne married to Tony Soprano — is a huge part of her appeal, but also the stuff that can sound off-key when you’re not in the room.

Over a cheeseburger between events, Michelle and her four staffers reminisce about the big fun the family had this summer at the Iowa State Fair — a de rigueur stop for all the candidates. As they recall Barack and elder daughter Malia riding everything on the fairway, I ask Michelle why she wasn’t on the amusements herself — was she scared? “Oh no, I love the rides,” she says, explaining that she had to stay on the ground with 6-year-old Sasha, having scared the bejesus out of her a year ago by taking her on the Tower of Terror at Disneyland. One of Obama’s aides, a mother, looks at Michelle reproachfully. “I know, bad mommy,” concedes Obama. “Now I can’t persuade her to go on any rides. She’s like, ‘You don’t have good judgment.’”

At the same lunch, in a conversation about husbands and their habits, Obama drops a wiseass comment about Barack that is sweet and funny, but precisely the kind of quip that would look bad plastered on tabloid covers. As soon as the words have left her mouth, she remembers there is a reporter at the table, and shoots me an imploring glance and a firm shake of the head: That, she’s saying, is off the record.

It’s too bad, because from the familiar, critical, affectionate way she talks, there is little doubt that she adores her husband, whom she likes to refer to as a biracial, idealistic lawyer with a funny name, and whom she realized she could really fall for when she watched him, post-Sidley Austin internship, pass up big-money jobs to do community organizing on her native South Side. She is also aware that he is a lucky guy to have her out there stumping for him; he seems to realize that too. He tells Salon by e-mail, “Michelle is a brilliant woman and an incredible partner in this campaign.”

She is also very funny, in a way that cannot be practiced or faked. I hear her give seven versions of the same speech in two days. For most speakers, especially those who are not pros, it would seem easier to modify the straight parts and recycle the punch lines. Not Michelle. In every speech, I hear her tinker with her jokes.

In her first address, she flatly notes that one of her husband’s proudest achievements was passing ethics reform. A beat. “In Illinois.” Ba-dum-bum. The line gets a good laugh, because Iowans know Chicago’s history of corruption, and that Ilinois’ most recent ex-governor is in federal prison. But apparently, Obama is not satisfied. In later versions, she more thoroughly explains herself, noting that “Illinois doesn’t do ethics really well.”

Obama’s staff tells me about a couple of lines that have been dropped from the speech — one about how when she met her husband, she thought, “No one lives in Hawaii!” and one about how she first realized that she could go to Princeton after her brother got in, because “I’m smarter than him!” But as with many gifted comedians, most of the mirth is in the take-my-husband-please borscht belt delivery. Obama has laid off a lot of the domestic complaints since her run-in with Dowd, but comes closest to the kind of “emasculating” riffs that made MoDo sniff when she tells one crowd, “I didn’t marry [Barack] for all his degrees. Certainly he’s made less money over the years, as my mother has pointed out.”

Then there is the steady drumbeat of discontent about the process she’s living through. “I’m not doing this because I’m married to him,” she tells listeners again and again. “Because truly, this process is painful. If you have a choice, America, don’t do this! Teach! Do something else. I tried to [tell] Barack — there are so many ways to change the world. Let’s do them!” In another version, she says, “I [didn't] want to run for president! Life was comfortable! It was safe! Nobody was takin’ pictures of us!” This sing-it-sister refrain goes over well, in part because it’s something with which everyone in her audience can relate. Who the hell would want to live this way? To give up their privacy, security, routine, all in a bid to watch their mate get attacked for a living and take on the most high-pressure, all-consuming job on the planet? It doesn’t matter if Obama is black, if she is a Harvard Law grad, if she is wearing Jimmy Choos. She is communicating to her audience a reluctance that makes good common sense to them.

These moments of relatability give ballast to her big sell, that when push came to shove, she shelved her trepidation. “I took off the Michelle Obama hat,” she says, “the selfish hat, the one that says ‘no,’ and put on my citizen hat, my hopeful hat, and realized that I want Barack Obama to lead me … Even if it’s inconvenient. We have to be bold.”

Fifteen years after Bill Clinton rattled the country by announcing that thanks to his marriage to a policy wonk, it would be getting “two for the price of one,” Michelle hits a similar note on her own behalf. If the nation elects Barack, she says, “I can guarantee you that you won’t be disappointed. Not only will you get to hang out with me — ’cause I’ll be there; I’ll go to the White House with him — but we have a chance to fundamentally change this country.”

At the senior center in Davenport, they’re thrilled to hear about hanging out with her. She receives a chorus of affirmative “Uh-huhs” after nearly every statement, and when she’s finished, the crowd of geriatric fans swarm her, putting her on the phone with their loved ones, having her pose with toddlers, the arm of a stuffed monkey draped around her neck. Sixty-two-year-old Mary Anderson, retired from Ford Motor Credit, tells me, “She reminds me of Jackie Onassis. She’s a dignified, high-class lady.”

And the truth is, for all her bitching and moaning, there are parts of this that she seems to enjoy — for real. At the second stop on the tour, in an old opera house in De Witt, her husband’s Iowa press aide Peter Weeks, who’s along for this trip, watches her cheerily embrace nearly every woman who approaches her. “She’s a hugger,” he says, with weary appreciation.

During a break between speeches, what she refers to as “our quality time,” Obama talks by phone to her sister-in-law, who is also campaigning in Iowa; she discusses a pair of boots available at Neiman Marcus with one of her staffers; she debates the pros and cons of BlackBerry use. Then someone rousts her from her brief repose to get her to go to the next event. She sighs. “This is another example of the hat thing,” she tells me. “You just settle into something and then you have to get up and go somewhere and put on a different hat. It’s the same with events. You settle into one crowd, and just when you’re like, ‘I’m so into this,’ it’s like, ‘Oh, you gotta go to a different event!’”

At the midpoint of Obama’s trip, at an hour when she is ordinarily home with her girls, she is on fire in Dubuque. She has visited with UAW members who the next day will vote to support her husband, before addressing a fundraiser for local politician Pam Jochum.

Ron Hughes, a small-business owner in Dubuque, tells me that he’s a Joe Biden man through and through, and his wife, next to him, is totally apathetic about the political process. “She just comes for the socializing,” Hughes assures me. But as Obama begins the most rollicking rendition of the stump speech that I will see on this visit, Hughes leans in to me and acknowledges, “I do like her sense of humor.”

By the time Obama gets into the part about how fear is used to bully and divide us, Hughes’ purportedly apathetic wife is nodding in assent, and leans in to her husband to say, “She’s right on.”

Tonight, Obama lingers on the cowardice of her husband’s opponents in their votes for the Iraq war, arguing that Barack, though he was not yet in the Senate to cast a vote of his own, acted courageously by coming out against the invasion during his tight Illinois primary race. “That race looked a lot like this race,” she says. “He wasn’t supposed to win. He had a funny name, he was too young. We’ve heard it! Been there! Done that! But even in the middle of all that, he said no, the war was a bad idea.”

She remains insistent — despite the flak she’s received for minimizing her husband’s deity-like status — on being realistic. “It’s not that we’re going to elect a president who will deliver us from evil,” she tells the Jochum fundraiser. “We are our own evil. We have to be engaged and passionate.” Without courage, she says, we will never get anywhere.

“I think I found my candidate,” says Hughes’ wife, 59-year-old Suzette, a retired physical therapist, as Obama receives a standing ovation. “I hadn’t felt the need to make a decision until tonight. I hadn’t been moved until tonight.”

The next morning, Michelle is about an hour north of Dubuque, in a restaurant that overlooks a broad, sinuous Mississippi River. She’s taking a fresh dig at George Bush as she discusses her husband’s respect and passion for the Constitution, “something that would be nice in a president these days.” The crowd is nodding enthusiastically at her.

While Michelle is hugging after the speech, I overhear a group of four women gossiping about the Clintons, speculating rather ungenerously about why Hillary might be running for president. One of the women, who is wearing a precinct captain button, boils down the differences between the former first family and the Obamas: “Michelle and Barack are like us,” she says.

Before the next event, we stop at a Hardee’s in Allamakee County. As Obama is filling her medium soda cup, she is approached excitedly by an elderly couple, the woman wearing an American flag hoodie. They are on their way to see her speak down the road and are beside themselves to catch her here first. “We just love you,” they tell her.

When I tell Michelle over lunch about my surprise that so many people who apparently have nothing in common with her manage to see themselves reflected in her, she looks utterly unsurprised. She nods, and swallows her bite of cheeseburger before saying, “That’s what I’ve been saying. They see beyond the surface to the core. They know we’re real. We are so close to each other.” Here she makes a small gesture with her forefinger and thumb, a gesture that reminds me — in tone and content — of Bill Clinton, who has taken in recent years to holding forth on how genetic research has shown us how much biology all human beings have in common, regardless of their outward diversity.

Talk turns to the quality of the Hardee’s. This is a McDonald’s-loyal group, but everyone is impressed. They like the curly fries; they like the table service; they like the Hawaiian chicken sandwich. Michelle surveys the table and hoists her eyebrows to dry perfection, appraising her charges-slash-baby sitters with unhidden amusement, and says, “In summary, I think we can safely say that we are all very pleased with our Hardee’s experience.”

Then she puts her cheeseburger down. “I shouldn’t get too stuffed,” she says, prompting some staff fantasies about belching during a stump speech. “Talk about real,” she says. “That’s a little too real.”

Rebecca Traister

Rebecca Traister writes for Salon. She is the author of "Big Girls Don't Cry: The Election that Changed Everything for American Women" (Free Press). Follow @rtraister on Twitter.

Nicolle Wallace’s Palin lesson: Make better stunt Veep picks

A running mate should be prepared, and maybe not about to be indicted (according to rumors)

Nicolle Wallace (Credit: ABC)

“Game Change” is a movie about how longtime Republican Party communications hack Nicolle Wallace and longtime Republican Party campaign hack Steve Schmidt actually have souls, and brains, and hence feel quite bad for accidentally being responsible for the creation of Sarah Palin, national monster. (Neither felt any qualms about working to get the most irresponsible warmonger currently serving in the Senate elected president, but Sarah Palin was nuts!)

So Wallace, following a 92nd Street Y panel last night, said this:

“There will be pressure to elevate a woman but there will be an equal amount of pressure to pick someone who is prepared,” Wallace said.

And then she said this:

Wallace flagged one female official in particular who she thinks would be a good choice this year.

“Nikki Haley — she’s great,” she said. “She’s the most effective surrogate Romney has.”

If the Sarah Palin problem was a problem of preparation and vetting, Haley … might present some issues? Specifically an odd and mostly unsubstantiated sex scandal and also these rumors that she might at any moment be indicted on tax charges. The tax thing might be bullshit and the affair story was the product of a self-promoting creep but they’re “out there,” as they say.

More important, Haley has been governor of South Carolina since January of 2011. As in very slightly longer than one year. And slightly less time being a governor than Sarah Palin had in 2008. It’s almost as if Wallace is making a pick not based on the principle of Who Would Be Best For the Nation but on demographics and optics?

Wallace also apparently suggested Carly Fiorina, which, lol. Romney/Ex-CEO who famously received a giant golden parachute when she was forced out of her company 2012, everyone! Just the ticket for the new economy.

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Alex Pareene

Alex Pareene writes about politics for Salon and is the author of "The Rude Guide to Mitt." Email him at apareene@salon.com and follow him on Twitter @pareene

Sarah Palin’s Hollywood ending

HBO's "Game Change" presents Palin as simply a bumbling Tina Fey -- and misses the real story of the 2008 campaign

Julianne Moore as Sarah Palin in HBO's "Game Change" (Credit: HBO Films)

HBO’s “Game Change,” airing this Saturday, is not actually an adaption of the book “Game Change,” by Mark Halperin and John Heilemann. It is “Sarah Palin Goes Rogue,” the movie, with a couple of anecdotes borrowed from the notoriously gossipy account of the 2008 election as a whole. (Or, arguably, it’s an adaptation of Scott Conroy and Shushannah Walshe’s “Sarah From Alaska.”)

That is sort of a shame. The Palin thing is the most heavily over-covered story line of the entire 2008 campaign, so focusing on it might be totally logical from a marketing perspective, but it’s unfortunate from an artistic one. The film re-creates various moments of YouTube campaign ephemera very well — remember when that old white lady called Obama an Arab and McCain looked uncomfortable? When it takes us behind closed doors, it’s to witness scenes any moderately close observer of the election and its aftermath could’ve dreamed up him- or herself. It might have been fun to see a TV movie about the Democratic primary fight; the personality clashes of the disastrous Clinton campaign would have made for entertaining television, and Mark Penn is surely a creature crying out for a grotesque Emmy-winning portrayal by, say, Paul Giamatti.

Instead, McCain has won the nomination three-and-a-half minutes into the film. Soon we’re watching Julianne Moore watch Tina Fey on TV. You remember the “SNL” sketches making fun of Palin, right? In case you don’t, “Game Change” airs lengthy chunks from most of them. It also has tons of actual footage from CNN and MSNBC and Fox News, and it re-creates debates and speeches and the Couric interview and the Charlie Gibson interview and a bunch of other things you saw either live or on YouTube when they happened.

Moore’s performance is not just fair but maybe even flattering. (For one thing, she doesn’t hit those flat upper Midwest vowels as gratingly as the real Palin.) Woody Harrelson plays strategist Steve Schmidt — the film’s protagonist — as a grizzled, “too old for this shit” campaign veteran called back to the trail against his better judgment. Jamey Sheridan is given barely anything to do as Mark Salter, McCain’s “conscience.” Salter, the primary author of his “Maverick” mythos, is limited, after the Palin selection, to making a hilariously over-telegraphed face of concern as everyone else in the war room applauds her first speech.

But the film is about Schmidt and Nicolle Wallace because they were pretty clearly Halperin and Heilemann’s primary sources, and we watch them become horrified by the depths of Sarah Palin’s ignorance at exactly the same time as everyone else in America became horrified by her ignorance.

Because it’s Hollywood, there’s very little politics in the film’s depiction of politics. Policies are simply things for Sarah Palin to write on note cards and not memorize. Operatives confidently declare, in faux Sorkin-ese patter, that if this or that meaningless decision is made, it means “we’ll lose by five.”

There is a sheen of faux cynicism (McCain swears like a sailor!) but it masks complete naiveté: Everyone is basically honorable and decent. Nicolle Wallace — a member of the Bush administration communications team — is sincerely alarmed at the prospect of someone as dangerously ignorant as Sarah Palin in the White House. On election night, she breaks down in tears as she admits to Schmidt that … she didn’t vote. They embrace.

The film subscribes to the simplest theory of Sarah Palin: That she is childlike, vain and incredibly ignorant but also an essentially decent person and wonderful mother. The moments that come closest to “unfair” — Sarah Palin doesn’t know that the head of Great Britain’s government is the prime minister, not the queen — are basically plausible. This isn’t Andrew Sullivan’s conniving, dangerous pathological liar. It’s an overwhelmed working mother whose most unhinged moments are explained by a crash diet. Her convention speech is largely stripped of its snarling attack lines, imagining a world in which it appealed to “the base” because of Palin’s heartfelt commitment to special-needs children and not because she was very good at saying mean things about Obama. (The film actually repeats the bullshit story that her teleprompter broke midway through, and she kept going.) Even when the film has her take a major heel turn — “if I am single-handedly carrying this campaign, I am gonna do what I want!” — after “winning” her debate with Joe Biden (played by video footage of Joe Biden), she is still basically an innocent seduced by the adoration of riled-up crowds and national attention. (Todd Palin barely does anything.)

The constant use of actual news footage adds a bit of verisimilitude but also constantly raises the question of why this lightly fictionalized version of the election actually needs to exist. “Game Change” is not really for serious political junkies, who remember all the stuff that did happen and will scoff at the stuff that didn’t. (At one point, John McCain answers his ringing iPhone in the middle of the night. He used a BlackBerry, HBO.) But if casually politically involved people want to see their assumptions about Sarah Palin reinforced, well, there are still those “SNL” sketches.

In the end, the Republican operatives who foisted Sarah Palin on an unprepared nation are rightly horrified that they created a monster, but at no point does anyone act concerned that their actual candidate was himself an angry, warmongering old crank with extremely fungible principles. Sure, Sarah Palin didn’t know what the Fed did. Do we have any proof John McCain knew what it should’ve done? Maybe everyone actually was totally unfair to poor Sarah Palin.

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Alex Pareene

Alex Pareene writes about politics for Salon and is the author of "The Rude Guide to Mitt." Email him at apareene@salon.com and follow him on Twitter @pareene

Baseless Condi Rice speculation making a comeback

Updated: To celebrate its return, a brief history of this variety of pundit fantasy writing

Condoleezza Rice (Credit: Reuters)

[UPDATED BELOW] Joseph Curl, former White House correspondent for the Washington Times, is bringing me back to the good old days of 2006 in his latest opinion column for the conservative paper. It’s a breathless report that Condoleezza Rice will seek the vice presidency, and it’s a classic of the genre.

Any amateur can speculate that Chris Christie will enter the presidential race, or posit a Mike Bloomberg third-party run, or imagine Hillary Clinton launching a primary challenge against Barack Obama. After all, those three have actually won elections and expressed political ambitions. It takes a real pro to decide to build buzz around someone who not only hasn’t ever run for anything, but who’s never expressed a desire to run for anything.

Rice, the national security advisor in George W. Bush’s first presidential term and secretary of state in his second, is currently a professor at Stanford with the requisite right-wing think tank fellowship. She has not said or done anything “political” in years. But Curl has been hearing things!

America’s first black female secretary of state is quietly positioning herself to be the top choice of the eventual Republican presidential nominee, ready to deliver bona fide foreign-policy credentials lacking among the candidates. The 56-year-old has recently raised her profile, releasing her memoir in November and embarking on a monthlong book tour.

After 2 1/2 years as a professor at Stanford, Miss Rice is reportedly getting “antsy” to get back into the political game. “She’s ready to go,” said one top source.

Oh, a month-long tour in support of her book about her time in the Bush administration! She must be running for vice president, along with Donald Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney and Scott McClellan and George W. Bush.

There’s more. (And not just the part where Curl calls Rice “a spicy Rice dish” and waxes fetishistic about “her guns” being “a match for those of our first lady Michelle Obama.”)

Plus, her selection would be a giant chess move to counter the expected replacement of Vice President Joseph R. Biden with Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton. Sure, the White House denies and denies, but that should really make any political watcher more suspicious. One White House insider even told me that the position swap was the only reason Mrs. Clinton joined the administration in the first place.

Curl has so many inside scoops packed into this column! I had no idea that our first presidential running mate swap since Ford’s 1976 campaign was basically a foregone conclusion and not just a weird Beltway journalist fantasy! But yes, I can see why the still  un-chosen GOP candidate would definitely be looking pretty closely at Rice — who’s been strongly making the case for her selection by not explicitly denying interest in the position — in case Obama replaces Biden with Clinton, which he will surely do.

The column gets worse (“Funny thing is, she is, unlike Barack Obama, an ‘American black’”) but that’s not really important. What’s important is exploring how someone like Condoleezza Rice ends up a perennial name on the fantasy ticket list.

Rice has been a subject of these columns since 2005, when she became Bush’s second secretary of state, and the White House tasked communications operative Jim Wilkinson — previously known best for inventing the false story of Jessica Lynch* — with getting Rice (and her boss) some much-needed positive press. Wilkinson did his job beautifully (remember when Rice’s knee-high boots were a topic of actual serious news coverage for weeks?) and Rice began receiving the “rock star” treatment.

In the Washington Post, Glenn Kessler, author of the 2007 Rice bio “The Confidante,” summarized the exact moment of the birth of the presidential speculation:

In March 2005, before Rice sat for an interview with the Washington Times, Wilkinson slipped a note to the editorial page editor, Tony Blankley, suggesting that she be asked whether she would consider running for president. It was an audacious proposal — she had been secretary for only six weeks — but such speculation would bolster Rice’s image as a leader. (Wilkinson and Blankley said they do not recall the incident, but others present said they saw Wilkinson’s note.)

Oh, the Washington Times.

Shortly thereafter, Dick Morris wrote a book claiming — nay, insisting — that 2008 would be “Condi vs. Hillary.”

As Iraq descended into a violent civil war in 2006, Rice-for-president buzz bizarrely grew. There was enough of a false grass-roots movement for a paint-by-numbers AP trend piece with a silly nickname and everything. Tim Russert asked her point blank. As always, she said no in no uncertain terms.

Then, of course, everyone began to speculate that she’d be McCain’s running mate. Robert Novak claimed as much on Fox. Dan Senor said she was pushing for the pick on some Sunday show. Hendrik Hertzberg wrote a Talk of the Town piece on the subject! McCain and Rice both finally denied “reports” that she was angling for the spot on the ticket.

Now, I guess, it’s time to start up the rumor mill anew.

But before you put pen to paper on that column about how a Gingrich-Rice ticket would surely win moderate women in Ohio, consider this: In addition to the fact that she’s always denied wanting the job, and in addition to the fact that she was an unmitigated failure in the Bush administration, downplaying terrorism as a priority prior to 9/11 and selling the public on the Iraq invasion with untruths, Condi Rice is pro-choice.

*Update: Jon Krakauer recently rescinded his claim that Wilkinson, then a communications aide to General Tommy Franks, was responsible for the initial false Washington Post report on Lynch’s apparent heroics before her capture. Though Wilkinson was obviously involved in the PR campaign surrounding Lynch’s rescue and return to the U.S., he apparently isn’t responsible for falsifying her actions or leaking that false story to the press.

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Alex Pareene

Alex Pareene writes about politics for Salon and is the author of "The Rude Guide to Mitt." Email him at apareene@salon.com and follow him on Twitter @pareene

Breitbart shock: Obama was in same place at same time as New Black Panthers

Right-wingers once again try to connect the president to a fringe group of laughable conservative boogeymen

Members of the New Black Panther Party, including, Divine Allah, left, arrive for funeral services for 13-year-old shooting victim, Tamrah Leonard, at the Friendship Baptist Church in Trenton, N.J., Saturday, June 13, 2009. (Credit: AP/Mike Derer)

Andrew Breitbart’s loud, dumb BigGovernment site has a loud, dumb story about how Barack Obama “appeared and marched with the New Black Panther Party in 2007.” The occasion was the 42nd anniversary of the march from Selma, Alabama, and in addition to Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton and Al Sharpton were also there, along with dozens of civil rights era luminaries and thousands of other people because it was a massive annual celebration and not actually an Obama campaign event.

The New Black Panther Party is a cartoonish fringe group of a couple guys who play “’60s radical” dress-up and say mean things about whitey for Fox cameras in order to scare old white people. They have been explicitly rejected by the old Black Panther Party. For some reason, various conservatives have dedicated themselves to proving that this weird, marginal group of Nation of Islam cast-offs is somehow supported by or deeply connected to the Democratic Party and the Obama administration in particular, because, you know, Eric Holder and Barack Obama, those are two guys who very obviously share the values of extremist anti-white proponents of racial separation.

So Breitbart “proves” something or other about the essential anti-white racistness of the Obama campaign by noting that members of the inane New Black Panther Party were spotted by cameras near Obama, at various times, and also NBPP head Malik Zulu Shabazz spoke at the event.

(Brietbart goes on to publish two pictures of the event despite the photographer withholding permission, because “The First Amendment allows photographs of such enormous public importance to see the light of day.” Good luck with that argument in court?)

Andrew C. McCarthy gleefully endorses Breitbart’s story in a breathless post at the National Review’s The Corner:

This is a shocking story, and a breathtaking indictment of the mainstream media which went out of its way to avoid vetting Obama as a candidate — and to make sure anyone who tried to do due diligence got no sunshine. A candidate who chose to appeared in the company of, say, the KKK, would have provoked relentlessly hostile media coverage and, in short order, have been marginalized as disqualified to hold responsible elective office.

If only the media had reported that some fringe weirdos also participated in this event that both Democratic candidates and thousands of other people participated in, and then the fringe weirdos sort of followed Obama around for a while. That would’ve opened America’s eyes! (I mean the media besides NPR, which did report that the NBPP was there.)

Here’s the bit of this sad, desperate reach that is the saddest and most desperate: “Andrew further reminds us that, in March 2008, the Obama campaign website posted an endorsement of Obama by the New Black Panther Party.” Whoa, did they really? Shocking if true! It is, of course, not true. It was a user-generated blog post on the Obama campaign site that the campaign removed as soon as they became aware of its existence. Because websites do not “post” things to themselves, generally, McCarthy’s statement can’t even be charitably described as technically accurate. It’s just a lie.

A random stupid incorrect Breitbart smear is worth paying attention to only to the extent that the smear threatens to bubble up to the more reputable conservative press, or Fox, or Republican elected officials. The McCarthy endorsement means keep an eye on this one!

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Alex Pareene

Alex Pareene writes about politics for Salon and is the author of "The Rude Guide to Mitt." Email him at apareene@salon.com and follow him on Twitter @pareene

Palins give free publicity to book bashing Palins

Joe McGinniss' "The Rogue" gets a big marketing boost from its subject's classic (and predictable) overreaction

Sarah Palin

Here, according to the National Enquirer, are the shocking revelations in Joe McGinniss’ new book about Sarah Palin, “The Rogue”:

  • She has done drugs.
  • She had sex with a basketball player before she married Todd.
  • She is mean and petty.
  • She is a bad mother.
  • She had an affair after she married Todd.

There is also, obviously, some stuff about Trig’s birth, but I have not yet read the book, so I couldn’t tell you how far down the rabbit hole that goes.

Here’s my reaction to those revelations: Sarah Palin is a person! She’s done drugs and pissed people off and slept with people, like 90 percent of American humans. If Sarah Palin was smart she’d dismiss the book with a chuckle, say nobody’s perfect, laugh off the “gossip,” and move on.

Sarah Palin might not be smart.

The Palins always prefer grand self-pitying martyrdom to quiet dignity, of course, which is why picking on them can be so profitable: They will always respond, and always help you drum up more publicity for your Palin-attacking venture. Instead of depriving the book of oxygen, they launched a multimedia attack on Joe McGinniss before he’d finished the first draft, and what they accomplished was … giving him more material and ensuring that even more breathless anticipation awaited the book’s release.

Now that the book’s rollout is underway, the Palins might as well get paid for their marketing efforts. Todd Palin angrily denounced it, again accusing McGinniss of having a “creepy obsession” with Sarah Palin. Oooh, it’s so creeeepy to write an unauthorized biography of a prominent public figure, right?

How bad did the Palins allowed themselves to be trolled? Sarah Palin’s people released a statement on behalf of Brad Hanson, Todd Palin’s former business partner, with whom Sarah Palin is alleged to have carried on an extramarital affair, some years back. The statement is a blanket denial, but what does having the supposed beau directly address the press accomplish, exactly? It just drives more interest in the book’s salacious, shocking revelations about the secret life of Sarah Palin. This guy, of all guys, should be kept out of it.

I am sure that Todd and everyone else is very personally pissed off that McGinniss went to Wasilla, talked to a bunch of people who hate them, and published a book full of stories about how bad and awful they are, but blowing up publicly just sends the message that there’s stuff in the book worth getting worked up about.

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Alex Pareene

Alex Pareene writes about politics for Salon and is the author of "The Rude Guide to Mitt." Email him at apareene@salon.com and follow him on Twitter @pareene

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